Leave The World Behind: A movie review

Leave The World Behind is one of those movies that ended abruptly, which is a distinct characteristic of an indie film, specially in the Philippines. 

Though some audience are happy with that, praising how smart it is of movie makers to leave the ending open so that viewers will participate in the story's plot, and so that the intellectuals are free to form a thousand plot possibilities... I am not one of these viewers. 

Yes, I am the type of customer who orders at a fast food hungry and expects to eat a whole cheeseburger, with fries and drink (if I ordered that exact list)... nothing less! I don't expect to be served a half-eaten burger or be served a burger missing its lettuce, onion and tomato just because the crew doesn't feel like going to the pantry and slicing pieces of the hamburger components and then be expected to understand the staff just because "matalino naman ako" and I can adjust.

In the same way, I don't expect to watch a movie and invest my attention and feelings on it, only for it to end abruptly just because. It feels like being asked to play a game with someone, and in the middle of the game, my opponent would suddenly quit out of the game and suddenly shout "Ayawan na! Ayawan na!" just because. 

I feel it lacks manners... like I am deprived of something that's rightfully mine. (At this case, of a proper ending to a movie.)

So yes, this is a note to movie and story makers that when you create a movie or a story, please deliver and finish it with no excuses. Thank you.

Ghost Ache: When Will It Leave Me?

 There's a ghost ache that lives within me. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever heal from previous loves and past hurts. Because although I fall too easily over and over again for someone new, when I re-examine my heart and look for old wounds, I find it wincing and trying to avoid inspection, afraid I will look at past rejections cause it still hurts. It seems I haven't stopped crying even in the midst of falling in love with different souls. 

The Center Cannot Hold: A Book Review

 

The Center Cannot Hold, a memoir written by schizophrenic author Elyn R. Saks, is an account of an adult woman who has a mental illness and how she went through things a normal girl would --like going to college, going to law school, finding a job, making friends, handling relationships, and dating. 

After reading just the first few pages, I was immediately endeared to Elyn, much like how I was endeared to Ramona, the eight-year-old character Beverly Cleary created in her children's book series years ago. Even if Elyn is an actual person, Ramona is a fictional character, and they were decades apart in ages, both have similarities. Ramona throws tantrums while Elyn has episodes. In both cases, both girls strive to be understood by the world around them and they feel frustrated and alone when they are not and when their needs aren't met. My heart goes out to both of them when they are feeling helpless and can't do anything about their situations due to unfortunate circumstances in their thought or emotional processes. I was always rooting for both Elyn and Ramona as they struggle through their unique disorder that no one else around them has and even as the world sees them as someone spoiled, selfish and constantly blames them for something they can not control. 

"Have you ever killed anyone?' This is what Elyn usually asks anyone she is with when she is about to have an episode. She then proceeds to tell whoever is listening that she has killed thousands with her thoughts. Sometimes she also thinks and says out loud that she is God or that she used to be God. 

According to Elyn, the difference between schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is that schizophrenia is a thought disorder while bipolar disorder is a mood disorder. 

I liked how the author is honest with how she wrote her memoir, not filtering out even the most violent or absurd thoughts she had when she was having episodes, and it was a good thing that the editors did not cut these out as well. I think that for people to understand mental illness, it is essential to be absolutely honest about it so that people going through similar situations may find hope and be encouraged to get the help they need so that they may be able to lead --if not a normal life-- at least a life where they can be happy. The book gives hope to mentally ill people by making them think that like Elyn, they can also find the career, the love, the acceptance and the support that they needed. 

Why Epilogue by Justin Hurwitz is my go-to song when I am sad

If there's only one track I can listen to when I am feeling heartbroken and sad, it has got to be this song. Even 5 years later, I feel every note and melody of this track with undeniable melancholy... A mild wave of sadness that feels its way around you tentatively, and yet wrings your heart with wistful memories of past loves and a pain that never really seem to go away.

When this movie was shown, I watched it with someone I loved whom I did not end up with, much like what happened with the protagonists of the movie. 

It was also a time in my life when I did not feel sure about anything at all: It was the 1st time I moved out and lived on my own and no one helped me move to my new place. My supervisor at work was giving me a hard time. Finally, I was dating a guy I adore who was also dating another girl and I do not know where I stand. 

Shortly after me and the guy I dated separated ways, I remember imagining the two of us dancing to the sad notes of Epilogue slowly, and he would give me one final spin before handing me over to my next dance partner, the next guy I will love. 

Even though I stopped having feelings for him years ago, I started associating the whole Lalaland soundtrack --especially Epilogue-- to feelings of sadness and longing for someone. So should you ever catch me playing this song or any other Lalaland track on Spotify, it means I am feeling quite sad. 

I have an artist ex who never drew me for the most part of our time together. It was weird and when he finally did after stressful nagging and pressure from me, the portraits he came up with never looked anything like me at all, unlike portraits of other girls he did which were all impressive and accurate.

One looked like a local actress and another portrait just did not look like me. I pondered this for a time and thought that maybe he doesn't really know me or appreciate me for who I am.

Towards the end of our relationship, finally, he came up with one that looked like me.

Although it was unfinished, it was something he did where finally, I can recognize myself. I can see my sadness in this. Surprisingly, I also recognized myself in another portrait he did shortly after he did my portrait of a well-known celebrity.

I guess it's his way of honoring my contribution to his life and expressing that even though he is now with someone new, he somehow missed me.

I'm 37 years old and I still get puppy love

I will always treasure having met you, "Lito".

Yes, I do. The kind that makes you burst in endless, uncontrollable tears till your eyes get swollen almost shut the next morning the moment he tells you he has a girlfriend on your second date --a date you took careful time to prepare for and dressed your best 'coz he teased you that you looked like "namalengke" on your first date. The kind that fills your tummy with butterflies when you look at his photos or control the urge to hug and kiss him in public 'coz to your infatuated mind, no one else looks quite as breath-takingly, heart-stoppingly, adorably cute as your "baby" --actual babies included.

The same puppy love that makes you send a heartfelt poem about missing someone to him, and telling him to send it to his girlfriend so that they'll patch things up 'coz you just want him to be happy even if it makes your heart wince. The kind that makes you pray for him in church instead of praying for yourself, asking God fervently to always keep him safe, that he gets a good life, good health and everything he's ever hoped for, sending him meditative rays of healing white light in the process because oddly, it just makes more sense for you to ask God to bless him before he blesses you --a first for a fairly selfish person who rarely prays for her self, let alone for others.

It is the puppy love that eradicates all your preconceived notions that men who dates you should pick you up to and from your doorstep at home should they ever want to go out with you, or that you would only agree to go out with them if the place is convenient, say walking distance away from work or home, or at specific public commute stops you pass by on your way home from work and that they should pay for everything always. This type of love makes you illogically book exorbitantly expensive Grab fares to and from your new suburban home to where he wants to chill so you can be with him faster, when you never book a cab anywhere 'coz you'd rather spend money on food. The type that makes you meekly say "OK" when he wants a late night drinking companion when you don't even drink and just the idea of staying up late makes you cranky for reducing precious hours of sleep.

This type of love is when you are just happy being his friend, and you don't ever ask him for anything more. Coz you are at your happiest just to be with him, being near him even as he completely ignores you despite traveling all the distance to see him and chats with someone else on his phone --giving attention to everyone else trying to contact him in his online world but alienating the one right in front of him.

Like any puppy love, the smallest, most inconsequential things fill you up with foolish joy and hope in your heart... You look forward to him asking "San ka?", as it meant you will see him again, to which you will readily reply,"San mo gusto?", signifying your willingness to drop everything to be with him.

It puts a silly grin on your face to watch a Youtube video that declare twin flames are at least 10 years apart (your age gap is 12 years). You also happily recall the time when you are channeling your psychic powers, and you came up with a fair-skinned guy with slanted eyes years before you meet him, same as how you came up with names of two other exes before you met them. 


But despite living in this dream world when you are apart, you know that this is the type of love where you will never pressure him for anything when the two of you are actually together. It's the puppy love that gives you contentment just to kiss him on the cheek whenever you part because you respect him and you never want him to feel awkward or imposed-upon... or that you and he should have a boy-girl intimacy just because one of you likes the other.

It hasn't occurred to you to ever make him wait --your replies, your approval to come with him whenever and wherever.... everything is automatic when it comes to granting wishes for your puppy love because as quoted in your favorite sappy chick flick My Sassy Girl: "Fate is building a bridge of chance for someone you love." So this means no mind games, no wait for 3 hours to reply, no nothing. Just your plain, raw, pure love for him and you ain't afraid to let it be known 'coz you just don't feel like masking it or showing him any other thing apart from what you truly feel for him. 

Your feelings for him are similar to that of a child's when they don't try to hide their delight upon seeing you or they don't hide that they want to play with you nor do they attempt to stop it when their faces light up with bright smiles to show how much they missed you when they haven't seen you for a while.


But maybe puppy loves aren't meant for 37-year-olds. Nor is it meant to be dedicated to 49-year-olds. Maybe it's time that I grow up and fall in love the way proper adults do.

Make Gift Giving Hassle-Free with GC Regalo!

Although buying something for ourselves and shopping for new clothes, gadgets or goodies can always be a source of happiness for us, there is no greater joy than the joy we get from giving gifts to other people. And with Christmas just around the corner, everyone is already busy scouting the malls for the perfect gifts to give their loved ones. For those who are stumped on what to get the special people who made a difference in their lives for the past year, below are fool-proof gift-giving ideas for all occasions:

•  Make it all about them and not you.

• One way to ensure that the gift you will give will be appreciated? Go out of your way to really know the person -and most specifically- find out their likes, their hobbies, favorite characters, etc. Just spend a week observing what they do in their free time, or look at their social media accounts for clues on what they like based on the photos they have posted in the past. Once you have an idea about what they like, then you will find it easier to shop for what they want. Remember that although you may be tempted to give them a gift that YOU yourself want for yourself, they may not appreciate it as much, and they will be much happier in getting a gift that truly reflects their interests and likes. 

•  Personalize your gift. 

•  Another way to make your Christmas gift or birthday gift extra special is by personalizing it. Personalizing a gift is really very sweet and thoughtful as it means you have put ample time and consideration in preparing it as opposed to just getting a last-minute gift from the mall. In deciding on which gift to personalize, you can either base it on your own talent. Are you artistically inclined and is skilled at drawing, painting or calligraphy? Do you like baking cupcakes in your free time? Perhaps you can make a short poem for them? How about serenading them with your epic guitar skills? Or if you don't have any specific skill or talent, you could just have a shirt or pen customized with their names, school, club affiliations, or anything they're currently interested in at the moment. 

•  Give them their favorite food. 

•  What could be better than their favorite food? Everybody loves food and it's guaranteed not to go to waste as their is always someone they can share the food with. So multiply the joy by giving them their favorite food... whether it be their favorite dessert (cookies, brownies, cakes and ice cream), favorite chips, nuts or snacks or their favorite food from a restaurant (pizza, fries, donuts, chicken).

•  Simply give them a Gift Certificate. 

• When all else fails, just give them a Sodexo Premium Pass Gift Certificate or GC Regalo. By getting them a Gift Certificate, you are relieved from the burden of having to gift wrap a present, and you are also saved from having to carry a bulky and heavy gift package which you have to hail a taxi cab to be able to deliver as you just need to hand the certificates enclosed in an envelope. Best of all, you give your loved ones the freedom to just be able to choose their gift however they want it as the Sodexo Premium Pass Gift Certificates may be used in around 100 restaurants and food establishments, major department stores and supermarkets nationwide, skin clinics, salons and spas, electronic and appliance stores, pharmacies, clothing and shoe stores as well as leisure parks, theater and bowling alleys. By purchasing the Sodexo Premium Pass Gift Certificate or GC Regalos, shopping for a gift this Christmas is truly hassle-free and convenient to do! 

Light In the Dark: Musings While Travelling

When I was travelling in Iloilo, I glimpsed this through our window while riding the ferry... 

It was a magnificent sunset. a glorious bright and wild fiery lava-like sliver of color that seeped through an otherwise darkening, almost black sky. 

As with anything by nature, I was mesmerized. I looked at it in awe, dazed by its beauty... the audacity of it to be so loud and colorful amidst the dark skies. As a child, I've often wondered if blazing sunset such as this one signifies the hot coals of hell and that maybe all of us can see hell from our windows at home or maybe it's the opposite.. maybe it's actually paradise peeping and saying hi to us. 

Well, that day on the ferry, I chose the latter. I imagined the feisty pink-orange light to be a beacon of inspiration, and it filled me with hope to be able to see it waving high and proud at me, telling me that my dreams are not impossible at all but are indeed attainable and that although I may not be there right now, I know that one day, I will reach it. One day my skies will be filled with bright glorious light and it will be amazing. 

Watercolor

 I give you back your heart. I give you permission. She is the sum of yourself and your dreams. Approach her like a monument, step after step. She is solid. She is your have to have. As for me, I am watercolor. I wash off. --Anne Sexton

Pagitan

Habang ako ay nagpapahinga
Doon kita natagpuan, aking Pagitan
Sa kalagitnaan ng aking pag-aalinlangan sa aking naging simula at dulo, ako ay iyong nilapitan
Ginusto kong maglibang at huwag ng malungkot
Sa sandaling kasama ka ako'y nakalimot.
Alam kong ang mga tulad mo ang siyang dapat iniiwasan ko ngunit andiyan ka na
At andito naman ako
Sa una ay maayos ang lahat, pakiramdam ko pareho tayo ng gusto.
Wala ito, sandali lang ito, ang sabi ko.
Kunsabagay, pagitan ka lang naman, mayroon pang tiyak na dulo.
Ngunit sa pagtagal-tagal, lagi ko ng natatagpuan ang sarili ko
Na nasa Pagitan.
Hanggang sa kinalimutan ko na ang aking simula, at ni ayaw ko na makita kung san man ang aking dulo
Basta dito ka lang lagi,
Aking Pagitan.