Lazy people doomed to bachelorhood/spinsterhood
Why being dynamic can even be more important than being faithful in a relationship

It has juz dawn'd on me that tha passive, lazy, people of tis earth has no chance of winning in love as compared to their more go-getting, dynamic rivals. Just take a look at scenarios of couples that've been together for years and years. One of em will usually git bored of tha other and think that tha other has lost his lovin' feelin' and has begun to take her for granted. Along will come Mr. Third Party who's fresh, lovin', and brimming wit new ideas on how to express his desire for Unattainable Ms. Long Relationship. If Ms. Long Relationship ain't strong enuf, taken in by tha fresh energy & courtship, she'll most likely be fool'd into thinking that Mr. Third Party is really whom she deserves more, regardless of her cluelessness on Mr. Third Party's track record of broken hearts or unfaithfulness or infidelity. Next thing we know, Mr. Passive Long Relationship is left hangin' in tha cold as Mr. Third Party takes his girl away, clueless of wut had juz happen'd, and still continuing in his pure, sincere, faithful love for his already taken away gurl, albeit passively.

You have dug something deep within me and it's getting deeper and deeper, making the space for others smaller as it grows... even if you're not really mine and not really here wit me. I'm helpless as I watch this space you're creating grow, making it hollower by tha second, and could only pray that God give me the strength I need when tha time comes that you'll leave me wit all tha empty hollow space which you haven't really cared enought to fill.

I used to pride myself for waking up right on alarm and never ever snoozing my cellphone to spend a few more minutes in bed, like most people do. When my ex and I broke up, I started acting like everyone else and had begun acquiring tha habit of snoozing my alarm even up to 4 times, thus waking up juz around lunch time and being late for work. Two weeks ago, for tha first time in my life since we broke up, I started waking right on tha dot again… up and about at 6:20 AM and even having time to do a few sit-ups. Now, it seems I’m back to snoozing, sleeping in, and walking wit my soul trailing behind…
***
When someone gives you anything like a gift, his heart, or tha like, don’t immediately latch on to it and own it. Try to feel first if he’s not kidding and if he really meant for you to have it. Relax your grip and don’t cling on like a barnacle to the object you were given because you’ll never know when he’ll take it back. And when he does, nothing can be more frustrating and hurting than when you’ve already treated tha gift as a permanent treasure that’s your own.

time for a re-post!

Wut is a PETER PAN SYNDROME? PPS or Peter Pans, according to Dan Diley are men who have NEVER GROWN UP or REFUSE TO GROW UP. Dan said that those wit PPS are men who: -> are more keen on bein’ friendly to mere acquaintances than in showin’ love & concern fo’ tha family -> use “I don’t know” and “I don’t care” as their defense mechanisms. -> have social incapacity & emotional paralysis. -> sadness manifested as forc’d gaiety, childish pranks, or nervous laughter. -> impotent to deal wit an assertive female on equal footing & so dates women who are younger or whose actions suggest immaturity. -> say they love ya but can’t seem to remember how to express love. -> narcissism locks em inside themselves. -> get hostile when ya reflect on his defensiveness. -> successful in resistin’ help. -> rarely finish college in tha usual allotted time/believes they’re employ’d in tha wrong capacity but fails to do anything bout it but complain. -> often stingy ‘cept when it comes to their own indulgences. -> appear to have unexplain’d fears& lack self-confidence but refuse to talk bout it. -> accuses ya of getting too emotional while they appear to be above it all, sittin’ like a stone when you are angry. -> easily offended by jobs they see as beneath em. get into employment difficulty ‘coz of severe procrastination or become workaholics in an attempt to prove their worth. -> work hard to have fun @ parties & tend to push themselves beyond reasonable limits in participative sports. -> find it impossible to say they’re sorry & find it extremely difficult to express their feelings. -> operate wit prejudicial premises you’ll never understand thus you cannot successfully argue a point wit em. -> expresses concern ‘bout yer probs only after you’ve complain’d bout his indiff’rence. -> have lost touch wit their emotions & simply dunno wut they feel.

Sorry we did not reach our dreams

Twin boys Dylan & Ulrich. A baby girl called Mischka. A copper-themed wedding. The mac&cheese meals I'll cook for him. Tha hundreds of mango pana cotta desserts I could create for him. Eternity wit him. I'm sorry we could no longer make it possible. Bad circumstances got in tha way...

What will you do if you see your ex in public?

I'll hug him because he used to be a big, if not the biggest part of my life. He will always be someone important and shall my friends or family try to trash him or badmuth him, i'll simply say: "He's a man I used to love. In place of that love, I'd like to give him the respect that is due to him so please please respect him not for wut he is today or wut he has done to me but see him singularly for the man he used to be when he was at the peak of his love for me. Just tha way I hope he and his friends and family will treat me today.

For tha pangs of pain, for tha difficult transition from getting so used to being half a couple back to living everyday life alone, for getting drunk on sleeping, for walking slowly wit ma soul trailing behind, for helpless things and places that remind, for all these things and more… it is with difficulty that I obstruct myself from running into your arms. But I know there’s no relaxation of the rules nor special consideration. So I pray for that moment when I’ll be able to finally let go.

Symptoms of an Ex:

Congratulations! You are now officially an Ex! Expect these symptoms anytime soon:

1. Asking friends to search through their circle of friends and refer you to the single, "good" ones.
2. Regularly checking your ex's ym status, friendster shoutout, profile, etc. to see if there's something about you.
3. Getting urges to inform your Ex that you're sick hoping to draw out some sympathy/guilt/last traces of love from him/her.
4. Listening to sad mp3s.
5. Cleaning out. Putting away pictures and stuff your ex gave, deleting him/her from all address books you have… cellphone, e-mail, ym, friendster, etc.
6. Getting sudden attacks of crying.
7. Getting sudden attacks of catatonicness.
8. Mourning. Especially on weekend nights.
9. Waking up later than usual/Finding it hard to wake up early.
10. Slacking off/getting lazy to do simple things you had no trouble doing before.

Not fair

My gay Literature professor Ralph Galan once said that it is not fair to be a woman for we just get to choose our partners from the men who will choose us. Meanwhile, men can choose their partners from all the women in the world. Moving on from a break-up is similar. If you’re a guy and you can pick girls easily, then it will be just as easy to enter another relationship with a girl and move on with life, because for me –no matter how many people say that time is the greatest healer- Another Relationship is still the greatest healer. I know he will soon find his girl sooner than I find my boy. He might even get married earlier. I know this and I know… That being gurl sucks!

How can 1 year and 6 months not hurt?

As a child, whenever I scraped my knees, or everytime I have to take down yucky tasting cough syrup, or endure injections whenever sick, my parents would always egg me on and boost my faltering spirit by telling me “Tapang yan eh! Dali, mas matapang ka pa nga sa kuya mo eh! Antapang o! Pakita mo na na matapang ka!” Then glowing with pride for my supposed bravery and feeling that I have to live up to my image as their “braver child”, I would take deep breaths, hide any traces of fear I might still have from my parents, then take the damned medicine/endure the injection/swallow back tears that are about to come.
Now that I am all grown-up, I still try to put up my “braver child” façade. And because they’ve stopped telling me those encouraging words the time I stopped being “bulol”, this time I do the cheering for myself. Every time I am reminded of a happy memory of something that is no longer a part of me, and when moments come that I yearn for this old friend, I just stop to console myself and internally whisper “Sssshhh… Tama na. Tahan na. Tapang yan eh!”

Gentleman [not tha opening doors for you type]

A big turn-on for me, probably next to being sexily courageous and aggressive, is being a gentleman. And when I say gentleman, it’s not tha opening doors for you carrying things for you type although that constitutes extra points for me only if he’s also tha gentleman I’m talking about. Tha gentleman I’m talking about is tha one not ruled by wutz between his legs. Tis gentleman will not try to get into my pants tha first time he gets tha opportunity. Tis gentleman will not try to paw me, or bring any part of his body close to me, or in any way try to get close to me without ma permission. Tis gentleman won’t try to take advantage that we are close or we are friends nor try to take advantage becoz I don’t get mad easily and I trust him not to act libidinous towards me. Tis gentleman will take tha front seat next to tha driver and allow me my space at tha backseat and will know better than to physically try to be close to me unless I have stated clearly to him that I like him, too. Tis gentleman CAN KEEP HIS DISTANCE. And so if you’re a man, and you’re reading tis and you’re hoping that one day I might respect you or even like you. I have tis to say for you. BE A GENTLEMAN FIRST.

How to spot a cheater:

1. He/she has a weak character. Weak characters are usually quitters who –instead of trying to work things out fairly and logically- will instead immediately lash out and plot revenge when their ego has been wounded. They’ll usually resort to tactics like going out with someone else just to get even.
2. He/she finds it hard to swallow pride. As mentioned, these people just won’t admit defeat. So wearing their proud hats with egos high up in tha air, they try to do things that will hurt their partners so that they won’t feel “agrabyado” coz they have upped and” evened tha score”.
3. He/she is insecure. When you’re insecure, you often feel that your spouse will cheat on you or does not really love you so you continue going out with other people in tha hopes of filling up that irreplaceable insecurity you’re feeling that only you alone can solve.
4. He/she is devious and sly and has tried one or two of the following: altered their time card log-in when no one else is looking, did not return extra change, bought a P150 worth exchange gift for a P250 worth. When you have a sly mind, you’re also likely to use it to cheat on your partner same as you’ve been doing with everything else.
5. He/she changes mind quicky. If your spouse haven’t had a stable job that lasts long, is impulsive, easily gets tired with stuff, doesn’t have a cause he/she strongly believes in, and is quick to change mind and opinion, then it is more probable that he/she is also constantly deliberating between liking/loving two or more persons at tha same time. And it’s just so easy to go back and forth, back and forth…

Signs you’re getting fat

Used to be that all tha junkfood… tha potato chips, Mr. Chips, Tortillos, cake slices, chocolate and strawberry cookies I ram into ma mouth don’t turn into anything ‘cept be burn’d down for some unfathomable reason [coz Lord knows exercise I do not]. That my flat 24-inch waistline would not betray tha restless mouth I have that’s prone to bouts of midnight snackin’. That I’d even make fun of ma high school pals’ seriousness at dieting by defiantly eating 2-3 Mars chocolate almond bars during lunch and leave ‘em wondering why I don’t get fat and my skin doesn’t break out. I thought all was fine and I could continue like this till old age & not be fat. Then I reach’d 23.
Because of a not-so-adequate earnings, a workplace that’s waay faraway from home, and a job that entails late night events, I tried to save by not eating much outside tha home and then stuffin’ ma pretty face full once I step’d inside tha comforts of my home -which would usually be around 10pm becoz of tha heavy traffic and tha natural farness of tha workplace or even later when there’s an event- and then proceeding to lie down & sleep even before I have completely digested my last bite. After a year of this kinda lifestyle, workmates begin to notice tha weight I was putting on, every pair of loose jeans I own suddenly begin to fit snugly, and t’was a constant struggle to put on jeans that used to be easy to get into. Suddenly I’m fat. And here are tha telltale signs:

1. During a bath, you try to look down straight at yer crotch and find that your stomach is obstructing tha view.
2. When you slip on a pair of panties, all open sides –tha waistband, and both leg bands seem to be digging a bit into your flesh and tha waistband seem to get semi-lost UNDER tha bulge that is your tummy where it USED TO just lie FLAT on your tummy and tha skin abuv tha waistband is level with tha waistband as if both are just of one flat, even surface.[not anymore!]
3. You wear a tight fitting shirt and notice that tha part covering tha stomach has creases and folds.
4. You find lines [if not full on cellulites]on your tummy.
5. You pinch your puson and find that you have something [a whole lot of something] to pinch.
6. You put a ruler from your navel straight down and find that there’s a space between tha ruler and your skin just three inches below your navel.
7. When you wear old slacks, you find that your crotch has gotten quite bulky and tha outline of your crotch is visible, not to mention tha hot, crowded, closed-in feeling your crotch is having.
8. At tha end of tha day, you’ll have red marks around your waist and tummy from wearing jeans that has gotten super snug.
9. You frequently get gas, “kabag”, ulcer and an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that you get from insisting on wearing jeans that don’t really fit anymore.

Strange Fantasies, Engagement, Virginity, & Marriage
One of my strange fantasies has always been to be approached by a total stranger, be given flowers [doesn’t matter if it’s a single rose or a whole bouquet of flowers] without any prepared note, and then quick as he had arrived, the man will walk away from me without looking back. It shows three traits I want in a man: courage, impulsive extravagance, and the ability for doing a thoughtful gesture without expecting anything in return. The closest I’ve encountered is getting an anonymous note stuck in my Math book with my name and the words “Love your smile” penned in red in 1st yr. college.
***
Since everyone is gettin’ engaged nowadays, might as well share my own engagement fantasy. I have always dreamt of being engaged at an early puppy-love age. Ideally, I would have luv’d gettin’marriage proposals in kindergarten. Since that isn’t exactly feasible anymore, let’s move on to my idea of engagement and marriage. If I were to get engaged and be married, I wouldn’t want it any other way than to be in secret. Secret engagement and marriage as in no one knows it ‘cept for me & him. Other peepz alwez ruin relationships that should only involve 2 persons and so why put up & be bogg’d down by bothering to tell other people?
***
No man marries for virginity anymore. And honestly, wut virgin woman would want to get hitch’d to superficial thinking men who’ll only marry for intact hymen? This doesn’t mean that women should sleep around as they please. The following traits are traits I think that men should have to be able to qualify in sleeping wit decent women:

1. Should at least be paying for his own life presently [his rent, laundry, daily food, bills] if not owning a solo condo unit
2. Independent decision maker [one who doesn’t need to consult his parents or elderly anymore for mundane activities like driving cars or making decisions.
3. Should be able to book his own medical appointment etc. and buy his own personal toiletries/underwear.

Otherwise, boys, juz be content wit kissing us for tha moment. Or you could marry us first… Remember boys, kindergarten actions deserve just-as-juvenile intimate moments. Sex means you are getting ready to provide for a life being or two.

It started with doubts.

I knew he didn’t love me on our 1^st day together as a couple. [We became an item tha previous day but decided not to see each other juz for tha zaniness & tha heck of it] I say this because when we were on tha bus ride home, I tried out tha magic words to him, curiously waiting how he will react [yes this is my 1^st relationship]. He did so by staring blankly at a spot beneath my head and blinking a few times, seemingly lost in thought over something.

Few, if none relationships ever start with pure love. There are a hundred and one reasons for choosing to enter into a relationship with someone without ever having to love him or her. I totally believe that love only comes after such a period of time had passed that both individuals truly know each other, depending on tha frequency of tha couple’s time together. But in this day and age, no one in his right mind would go through old-fashioned courtship for a couple of years before entering a relationship. The average acquaintance, getting to know, and courtship period nowadays is 1 – 6 months, and that’s not even everyday communication but on an inconsistent weekly tryst.s Here are a few reasons people enter a relationship in such a short amount of time:

1. Physical appearance More specific: To score -->Most specific: Sex. Most people in this country just don’t do casual sex. So how to score on a yummy crush? Enter into a relationship with him/her and earn unlimited, not to mention exclusive nookie rights. To be equally exclusive to him/her is up to you based upon your greed & eagerness to catch herpes.
2. To get back on an ex for dumping him/her or leaving him/her for another, to try to ignite jealousy, and therefore inspire a Much Hoped For Reconciliation from tha Still Loved [but no1 has catch’d on u still love him/her, u swear!] Ex.
3. Tha inability to live without a boyfriend/girlfriend a.k.a. Dependence on Romantic Relationships. Surely beats boredom, it’s convenient & it’s companionship with benefits, you say. Wut more can you ask for?
4. Generosity or tha ability to share/spend huge amounts of one’s Money and other material belongings on Another. Which is juz an oozingly attractive trait in an individual.
5. Tha inability to reject another. Most people just can’t hurt another’s feelings and can’t say no no matter what.
6. A sexual act. [Kiss, hug, touching, sex, etc.] One of you might have seduced tha other to trick him/her into getting into a relationship or in tha case of tha seduction having been done just as a hormonal knee-jerk reaction by tha initiator, tha other might feel that they both owe it to thamselves to ‘legalize’ tha act and thus enter into a relationship so that tha other won’t feel ‘dehado’ by continually doing it without tha blessing of an exclusive commitment.
7. Insufferable Persistence. Know those e-mail alerts you get in tha mail asking you to join a certain community site which you get repetitively from everyone in your yahoo contacts? They juz keep pouring and pouring in and you’ve been doing fine ignoring them for tha first few months. But than tha 10001th invite came. So just to stop them from coming in, you just click and join already. Same thing goes for a beau that just won’t go away. Instead of draining your energies tryin' to keep him/her away, sometimes it's juz easier to give in & accept him/her in your life.
8. To try to forget a forbidden love e.g. a friend's bf/gf/ex, a friend's ex, someone's wife/husband, a cousin, someone's bf/gf. Some people don't have the courage to go for the ones they really love 'coz the situation ain't easy. Or sometimes, when there comes a much awaited opening like the Forbidden Desired One got dumped or breaks it off with his/her lover, it’s too late already because by then, the Carefully Crushing individual who's got it bad for Forbidden Desired One would have already been dating another to pass time. So wut happens is tha Forbidden Desired One & Carefully Crushing forever throws longing ‘wut-might-have-been' looks & share stolen moments at each other while heading for tha other direction & creating relationships wit their respective Uncomplicated & Unsuspecting Partners.

So wut you ask is my non-pure reason for entering into a relationship? It’s number 6 & 7. Admittedly, it was me who insisted on tha relationship. He might have just wanted for us to juz date around a while but my last non-relationship was horrific & I don’t wanna go through frustrations, anger, & feelings of inadequateness again. I entered a relationship b’coz we held hands & I don’t wanna be no holding hands without commitment coz I know it would lead to kissing. And kissing for me –without a boyfriend- is tha milder version of getting pregnant without a husband. And yea, he also won’t leave me alone. For him, considering am not really overwhelmingly rich & generous, I suspect its number 1. Also number 8. And love came only on tha 6^th month.

I hate interviews.

Interview Facilitator: Aside from writing, what else can you do?
Master: I can do basic Photoshop, basic HTML & S.E.O.
Interview Facilitator: What else?
Master: What do you mean what else? I’m a writer, I write. Programmers get paid just to program, why shouldn’t I be paid just to write? Anyway, forget it—if you insist, I can enumerate my other skills but each additional skill I mention will increase my salary expectation by Php 1,800 if you actually expect me to do it. Let’s see, I can curl my tongue into three loops [Php 1,800.00], I can bend my pinky finger without bending the rest [Php 1,800.00], I can rap [Php 1,800.00], I can perfectly sing ala Rhianna [Umbuh-ruhla-uhla-uhlaah-ei!] [Php 1,800.00], I can dance like a boy [Php 1,800.00], or a gurl [Php 1,800.00], I can piss others till they tear at their hair and they’ve used up all cuss words they can at me inside their heads [They won’t actually be cussin’ me at my face ‘coz it’s typical Filipino behavior to show dislike through backstabbing & parinigs & not through confrontations] [Php 1,800.00], I can find best grocery shop that has the cheapest price for any grocery product you want [Php 1,800.00 per product], I can convince security guards into letting me in without ID [Php 1,800.00], or convince them into letting me in just to exit their back entrance [Php 1,800.00], I can do a blow-by-blow report on what I do every day in your office [Php 1,800.00], I can work during lunch [Php 1,800.00 for every 5 minutes]…

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

-->Evanescence

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

--Sia

Word verification alt note from Yahoo:
"Attention blind or visually impaired users. To complete this form you
must enter a word that is part of an image. If you can't read the image,
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-And like how are blind people supposed to read that? Lolz!

A friendster bulletin post from a former officemate:

Saturday, 24 June, 2006 11:36 PM
Subject: Soon to lost my "FREEDOM for LOVE sake"
Message: This is to announce to everyone out there who are
my friends that I will soon deprive my self to "right
of freedom" for love sake. I'll be married this
coming August I would like to invite you all to
witness that day!!!

LOLZ! Goodluck friend!!! ;-)

If you played for Brazil what would your name be? Mine is Sunshininhosa! Go figure! ;-p

I give you the gift of loving you exclusively. I tie you to this stern, sweet discipline to let you feel the demands of my love. For I live only as a shadow-woman if my heart can know no outpouring, my selfishness no substandard for your needs, if my countless good impulses and scattered affections have no single gathering-point center where they realize themselves and have meaning. I give you this –the manly task of earning my love again daily, the delight of your eyes when you look at me and see me heeding you. I give you all these things no matter how much -or less- of you you give to me.

Are you ready maybe
Are you willing to run
Are you ready to let yourself drown
Are you holding your breath
Are you ready or not

Are you ready maybe
Do you long to confess
Do you feel that you're already numb
Are you sure of yourself
Would you lie if you're not

You tire me out
Don't wanna let that happen
A secret scream so loud
Why did you let that happen

Ooh ooh so put your arms around me
You let me believe that you are someone else
Ooh ooh cause only time can take you
So let me believe
That I am someone else

Maybe, are you ready to break
Do you think that I push you too far
Would you open yourself
Are you reckless or not

You tire me out
Don't wanna let that happen
A secret scream so loud
Why did you let that happen


--Put your arms around me, Texas

It’s unethical to be jobless

When you’ve finish’d school. Having nuthin’ to do wit tha time [& lack of funds] you’re faced wit. Realizin’ tis –spesh after havin’ lunch’d [yer first meal of tha day] & havin’ bathed [yer attempt @ groomin’ yer very ungroom’d indoor self to prepare fo’ a day of productive possibilities], ya automatically scan tha house fo’ sumthin to nibble on to simulate activity & preoccupation [never mind that your jaws are tha only part of ya that’s busy] and then ya mull in shame if you’re even allow’d to chew wut u’re chewin’, & to consume huge chunks of it too! As much as you’d like to be a bratinella & ask & ask for thangs like in tha golden days, ya kno’ ya cuden simply coz there’s nuthin’ fo’ em to give. And then ya juz go on chillaxin’ like everything’s fine as it really is fo’ now but knowin’ @ tha back of yer mind that it ain’t gonna be.

There’s this lazy cloud hangin’ over me. Preventing me from getting’ thangs dun like they shud be, makin’ me tha queen of procrastination, keeping me in bed for long periods of time. I used to have a productivity bone. Tha first time I was jobless, I tried contributing to a magazine. Second bumhood got me writing an article publish’d for ma uncle’s company newsletter while I was on vacation in San Pablo. Third lack of employment, I contributed three works for ma previous work mate’s newspaper. Now am lying day in and day out in bed unwilling to move, all cynical ‘bout hopes in tha employment future & dishearten’d @ why I seem to be in repelling forces wit all jobs that are regular & unparallel’d in terms of benefits.

So to tha HR department of companies holding Regular, Benefit-Showering Jobs, come get me!!!

I mourn’d you today. Idunno if it’s paranoia, premonition, or tha drugs I took fo’ ma pesky allergies but I do git right premonitions. Like in high school when I suddenly bawl’d witout rhyme or reason during class, to tha utter surprise of ma seatmates. By lunchtime, ma friend told me to meet her in tha CR for some news –tha news being that Scratched Away Vandal [I’ve scratch’d away @ tha numerous & loving vandals I’ve created elaborately on ma desk of his name after lunch] ask’d her to tell me he ain’t pursuin’ me anymore. I forgot tha excuse –sumthin about tha scary parental units or sumthin. I was all calm by then so I told ma friend [who wasn’t in my morning class] no biggie. She diden know I’ve had ma release. I hope its tha drugs tis time, tho’. :c

Why d'ya ask ba?

I so so so don’t wana be embarrass’d, ma pride can’t take it. I avoid it @ all costs. Talk fo’ me is cheap so I be quiet all tha time unless you be close to me [then I won’t shut up even when ya pointedly sleep on me ryt , pic? ;-p]. I git ma punchlines/ideas stolen all tha time coz I don’t blurt em out all over tha place but juz tell em to an unjudgmental lot fo’ fear of it bein’ diss’d and be made fun of. And then it turns out great & someone else takes credit fo’ it -but am ok wit that rather than take responsibility fo’ it when it turns out to be a flop later. Better be Unrecognized for Greatness than be Famous for Shockingly Lamebrained Theories. I love tha same way. Insteada handin’ out compliments, or doin’ thangs then braggin’ bout it or expectin’ pats on tha back fo’ it, I juz do thangs fo’ people. I humour, I give way, and then I don’t nag that tha person I’ve dun good fo’ to be givin’ tha love back or praise me fo’ it. I can be so nonchalant sometimes in doing thangs that actually kill me fo’ tha person/s I love. And then that person juz be makin’ or askin’ comments afterwards that’s really insulting and push fo’ a last thoughtful phrase like, “It’s a good thing you’re so nice”, & then leave & expect me to follow & wag my tail good-naturedly afterwards.

Ma dear earth boi, currently, there are 5 miniscule things that confuse me bout cha. I like ya so much that I constantly look fo’ any excuse to like ya [some ya can’t even help & aren’t even directly connected to ya] & add it to ma ‘why I like ya’ list. Juz tha same, these 5 thangs are there. I usually keep tabs like this on someone I like & then I watch if the list lessens over time. I don’t point these thangs out, juz let em figure it out themselves. If tha list elongates & tha old queschns/confusions ‘bout him remain unanswered, he strikes out and is eliminated from tha game that is our life together. But juz like ma open attitch in addin’ to yer positive list, I am hoping to understand & sort out these confusions soon. ;-)

I once told someone I don’t wanna be courted. He took it to mean I wanna be trash’d. I don’t. I juz meant I want tha same level of honesty in friendships from him.

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.


To let go is not to cut myself off....
It is the realization that I can't control another.....


To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.


To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.


To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
it is to make the most of myself.


To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcome,
but to allow others to affect their own destiny.


To let go is not to be protective,
It is to let another face reality.


To let go is not to deny, but to accept.


To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings then to correct them.


To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.


To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.


To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for today.


To let go is to fear less and love more.


-->Kay Lafle

dawaitumaihartistrudalandlain

As I don’t really go out ‘cept to buy thangs @ tha mall, I spend most of ma time yakking on tha phone. I can go at it 6 hours @ a time and still go even if I’ve gone Inday Garutay-hoarse from it. When am not writing, I talk for hours on tha phone. It keeps my sanity intact and is my calmer form of release when I don’t throw ma things [unbreakables like lotion containers, pens, & brushes] around or scream like a lunatic @ tha top of ma lungs. I specially like DMC’s [deep meaningful conversations] and prefer phone-line burning to actual meetings/going out. I think phone conversations are much better cuz tha talks are more focused as oppos’d to going out where ya multi-task wit eating/movie-watching/etc. & ya worry bout how ya look & one of ya has to hurry home or elsewhere & even when both of ya aren’t off to some place, ya hafta scram when tha store hits closing time. In fact I used to have a phone pal back in high school who said it amazes him how I’m closer to him than some of his real friends. Or mebbe I’m juz a Home Freak geek. Haha!

I’ve always told myself I’ll only enter into a relationship wit a guy if he be naiz as ma best GURL friend is to me. [which goes to show how lame tha men around me are.] She serves me food first [even @ my own home], combs my hair fo’ me when am too lazy to be bother’d wit it, takes me home when it’s late in tha night, etc. –all part of tha niceness that is her. I remember I’ve mention’d tis to a guy I haven’t met once. Then when we dated, it’s as if he has tis mental checklist –He order’d for us [I’ve told him I’d rather have other people tell tha waiters wut I want coz I’m shy], he served me our pizza, and he even tried to comb my hair wit his hand. It really amused me coz he did tha exact same things I told him about ma friend, and he tried to cram it in a day when tha ‘general niceness’ and ‘unassholeness’ of ma friend was actually wut I appreciated. And so it came out all ‘scripted’ looking and unnatural. Like he doesn’t really do those things but is pressured to make a good impression on me. He diden even complete his mental list of literal things dun by ma friend –he forgot to take me home. [or mebbe I diden tell him she does that.] After that, I don’t tell men they shud be nicer than my girl friends anymore. I mean if they are born nice, they will be nice and if they are assholes, then nuthin will stop em no matter how many discussions we be havin’ ‘bout gurl friends being nice.

Pwede bang sabihin mo
Na itatago mo ang mga sulat ko
Kasi medyo maiinis ako
Kung itatapon mo..

'wag kang mag-alala..
Di ako luluha
Kung may kapiling kang iba
Di na pipilitin pa..
Itong damdamin ko sa'yo
Medyo maninibago
Pero ayos lang sakin 'to

At pwede bang sabihin mong..
"maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo

Pwede bang isipin mo
Nahihirapan din naman ako
Sa paghintay lang ng kung anu-ano
Magmumula sa'yo

At 'wag kang magtataka
Kung ako'y biglang makita
Na nag-iisa..nakahiga lang sa kama
Iniisip ko ito,

"ba't nga ba biglang nagbago?.."

Makayanan ko sana 'to..

At pwede bang sabihin mong..
"maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo

'wag kang mag-alala..
Di ako luluha
Kung may kapiling kang iba
Di na pipilitin pa..
Itong damdamin ko sa'yo
Medyo maninibago
Makayanan ko sana 'to..

Pwede bang sabihin mong..
"maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo..

At pwede ba..pwede ba..pwede ba?..
At pwede ba..pwede ba..pwede ba?..

I've nuthin' better to do so I created a y!m profile & used it to pm & tease ma good friend, Toyz whose y!m status @ tha time was "busy-busyhan"

I hate peepz hu make miss'd calls. It juz conveys they have enough load to call but are too cheap to actually do it. Bothersome miss callin' freaks, i have no time or load to spare for y'all!

Its another story to hear
Its another laugh for two
Its another take a look on the clock
And the magic shared by you

A cup in hand
You know its worth a while
A cup in hand
Let's sit and stay a while
When we deserve the moment
Let's sit
Let's talk
One moment
With nescafe

Let's sit
Let's talk
One moment
With nescafe...

Should a pain only be limited as something caused by only a singular person? I hurt all kinds of pain @ tha same time caused by diff'rent people. Others shouldn't hurt if i hurt more from another person's infliction than i hurt from theirs or when another person's infliction causes more reaction from me than theirs. Did i succeed in confusing ya? ;-)

When you try to get away wit scrimping and penny pinching on some thangs, sumthin' else most likely suffers.

A classic example would be the money i thought i'd be saving from refusin' to ride pedicabs and trykes and choosin' to walk 7 minute, 10 minute, 30 minute distances to public transport stops, churches, malls, etc. On this 'wisened' course of action, ma skin, ma lovely shoes, & ma lungs [pharyngitis]all of suffered.

Moral lesson: Life just can't, won't be had easy. So if you've been meticulous @ work lately, or religiously devoted to some routinary thang, or juz plain cutting off some 'insignificant' thang in yer struggle fo' glorious triumph & success @ another thang.... remember that everythang has a price.

Ever wondered how Mark Logan sounds like singing? Listen to Join The Club. Tha tune is catchy but tha voice is quite strange. So strange ma officemate can't distinguish if he's singing in English or Tagalog. So here are the deciphered lyrics of their hit maker,nobela...

ngumiti kahit na napipilitan
kahit pa sinasadya
mo akong masaktan paminsan-minsan
kahit sandali na lang
tulad mo ba akong nahihirapan
dahil naiisip ka
di ko na kaya pang kalimutan
bawat sandali na lang

at aalis magbabalik
at uulitin sa muli
mamahalin ka’t sambitin
kahit muli masaktan
sa pag-alis
ako'y magbabalik
sana naman

sa isang marikit na alaala
pangitahing kay ganda
sana ngay pagbigyan
na ng tadhana
bawat sandali na lang
sumabay sa biglang pagkabahala
lumabis sa pananadya
tunay na pagsilan alintana
bawat sandali na lang

at aalis magbabalik
at uulitin sa muli
mamahalin kasambitib
kahit muli masaktan
sa pag-alis
ako'y magbabalik
sana naman

ngumiti kahit na napipilitan
kahit pa sinasadya
mo akong masaktan paminsan-minsan
bawat sandali

at aalis magbabalik
at uulitin sa muli
mamahalin kasambitib
kahit muli masaktan
sa pag-alis
ako'y magbabalik
sana naman

Hey there dear brother, I know you’re not yet home but wud ya happen to kno wer ma fifty eight fuckin’ downloaded mp3s went? Ya kno’, those under tha ‘slow’ folder? Tha ones I listen to when I need to chill? Vonda Shepherd, Shanice, Hall&Oates, Melanie, Patti Austin, Laura Branigan? Tha ones I had a hard time tryin to find & stays up for dl-in’ in our ancient computer? And I’ve juz checkd tha computer mem’ry & suddenly it has 1.63GB free space when it used to barely reach 800MB… wonder where all those free space came from? Hmn.. really mysterious! But you kno wut? Never mind! Forget it! I’ll juz… Wait,wut are these mp3 icons on tha desktop? Prolly yours, brotha deah? Oh. *Oops!* I’ve deleted it! And look! Tha mouse click’d ‘Recycle Bin’.. and.. emptied it. How clumsy of me! And let’s see wut’z this folder doin here? Prolly beenhere fo’ more than a year unused? I highly recommend we remove it. Of course am shoore you have backup of these files which look like sample flash works or sumthin.. pretty nonsense actually! And when you deleted ma sample writings last year.. diden you save a back-up of it for me? F’kors you did! You’re juz plannin’ to surprise me sometime one of these days by presenting me a copy of all that writings suddenly, you little joker, you! Heheh! Am all smiles now. So, see? I never git angry unlike some quarreling sibs. We’re so lucky… ain’t we? Wait, lemme juz empty tis one more folder for you.. See? I even do yer chores for you! See, 3.46 space of free GB! Me, angry? Hell, no! I never git mad! Wutz this VCD doin.. Nice looking cov… Why, it juz flew and threw itself across tha room! Must be some pretty strong wind today, anotha one juz followd. Oh, bro’s here. Lez ask him if he has seen wer ma mp3s in tha pc has gone to. Apparently he’s asleep already. He tells me he diden kno& to find ma’self someone else to talk to. Very well, big bro! Mebbe more computer cleanin’ for ya…

Ryan, I need you to download 58 mp3’s fo’ me…

No, you do not want a relationship because you are afraid/do not want to hurt another person. You do not want a relationship because you wanna be able to hurt others freely and ‘guiltlessly’.

I like tha feeling of someone humouring me... giving in, giving way -no questions asked. Trusting me no matter how silly a request I have. For all ma friends who had given in to me @ one silly point or anotha, thank y'all. Really means a lot to me. Luv ya!

When it's your año dia, y'all shud be naiz to Tha Goddess Self even if others fail to bow before ya so last Wed, i've gone & search'd fo' ma birthday meaning on tha net. Here's wut I came up wit...

Born today, on the 25th of January:
Like all Aquarians, this golden bird is more pursued than pursuing. Too clever to let vanity go to her sparkling head, her only problem is heedlessness. Half the world seems to want to capture her, maybe with the intention of shutting the door of the gilded cage. Captured she may even stay for a while, laughing and entertaining, bewitching with her cleverness, beguiling with her foresight. But then the resonance of the night recedes. And around this bright creature the starlit or moonlit dome sparkles, suddenly seeming to disdain her capturer. Suddenly January 25 takes fright and is gone, leaving a lot of sadness in her wake. Both sexes are the same. To would-be lovers they seem a fantastic discovery. It's astonishing that somebody so come hither isn't tucked up in a long term relationship. But there's a reason for everything and with this winter child it's boredom and an easily sparked interest in something or somebody new. This is one of the few unutterably glamorous creatures of the night sky who makes truly platonic friendship work. Although they may be ignoring the secret lusts of a 'friend', the relationship is usually worth the desirer's self-discipline, because then at least they know that January 25 will always be available. At work, find them in the media or tourism, where their charm takes them to high places and smooths the path for original thinking and deals. Bosses love them because their charisma is such that others want to throw money at them, ideal for January 25's employers. Some stay with a partner for life, but most are serial mankillers (or ladykillers). Only children can command their total commitment. Often this individual finds himself as a single parent, but January 25s make terrific fathers and mothers and their offspring grow up as balanced as the scales of justice. While this person may be an earthquake in romantic love, a child's needs keep them steady.

January 25 is slightly psychic, but naughty with it and likes to wander about the British Isles frightening himself and companions by ghost spotting, at which both sexes are remarkably good. Favourite spots include Elton Hall, Cambridgeshire, haunted by a gambler's ghost who would kidnap and kill guests for the money in their wallet. Or the dark and dangerous grounds of Belvoir Castle, Leicestershire, supposedly haunted by three witches, executed for murdering the sixth Earl of Rutland's two infant sons, also rumoured to appear. January 25 is more likely than most to find a ghost so only the stout-hearted should go with them.

A birthday on the twenty-fifth day of the month indicates a naturally prophetic and intuitive person with a strong leaning toward the occult. You tend to conceal your true feelings and as a result are not always understood. Artistically gifted, you can commercialize almost any area of art to which you are inclined. Success can also be enjoyed in the professions, business or the constructive side of politics. You tend to be vacillating and inconsistent, and until you overcome this tendency your affairs will suffer. It's imperative that you learn to concentrate, force your mind into stability and away from a sense of inferiority, self-pity and depression. Your affections are your greatest weakness, and you must always stay on the straight and narrow, for there's a strong tendency to wander from the path that inclines you to preach morals but practice excess. Idealistic and hopeful, you need to work against laziness.

The January 25th person lives their life suffering in some way or another. This is accredited to the planet Neptune. Illusions that seen to offer some form of transcendence is another trait of this planet. The person born on this day has excellent skills and are usually great thinkers in the work place, but can spend some time warding off objectors. As a mate, the January 25th person is unique and captivating. The ideal mate of this person would offer a atmosphere of stability.

Generosity comes naturally to you -- it makes you feel good to make others feel good. There will, however, be occasions when it is necessary to say or do things that might make others feel bad, not because you want to but because honesty demands it. Truth is the foundation on which everything else must be built. Feelings are of secondary importance.

You work well with groups, especially this year. Together, you can make amazing breakthroughs. You're the brains behind the operation.

Hiling

nahihirapan na ang aking isip
nauubusan na ng sasabihin sa iyo..
nanlalamig na ba ang pag-ibig mo sa 'kin..
giliw..

nalilito ako, nais kong sagipin ang ating
nalulunod na pag-ibig
nguni't handa akong palayain ka
kung ito ang 'yong hiling
gaano man kasakit sa akin
ibibgay sa yo
ang tanging pakiusap lang
wag mo akong kalimutan..

kay rami nang nagdaan
na pagsubok sa ting pag-ibig
kakayanin pa kayang mabawi pa
ang mga nasabi nang masasakit na salita..

kung ito ang yong hiling
gaano man kasakit sa akin..
ibibigay sa yo..

nanlalamig na bang pag-ibig mo?

-paramita

little sheep. :c

You said you gon’ take me home. You said you gon’ lend me that book. You promis’d. :c Next time, juz don’t make promises no more aite?

Haha! Sabi na nga ba u're up to sumthin takin' all that gazillion pics of me. I like tha celestial fonts. Wut happen'd to tha others tho'? Like our fab Cafeteria & Gonuts pics and ma spaghetti commercial pic? Dapat pinost mo all gazillion trillion pics! Lolz.

A TRUE TEST TO DISCOVER WHO IS MOST COMPATIBLE WITH YOU REGARDLESS IF YOU'RE MARRIED, SINGLE, TAKEN, OR HOMO!

I juz hafta share this great new test i've found on tha net. It gives a more in-depth analysis/report than any astrological books i have! Works regardless if you're married, single, taken or wutevr! Really spooked me out how perfectly it described tha person who has my most coveted heart! ;-)

http://www.crushcalculator.com/content/love/972655177

I am your tiny vessel.

Only security can tame me.

So I keep on takin’
And no I ain’t taken
We can keep on datin’
I keep on demonstrating
-Fergie, B.E.P.

rly rly hate it when am tryin to access some site and tha internet optimizer appears. grr!

HaPpY bIrThDaY tO mA Gr3y5h33p!

for Em Thoebe

It ain’t no joke wut I go through every day juz to see Em. Here are some facts in those two hours.

1. It takes 3 rides: 2 rock-a-bye jeep and 1 backslap bus -“rock-a-bye” coz I’ve never ridden a jeep witout bein’ shook @least a few thousand times and jeepney rides alwez make me sleepy [prolly tha very reason why babies are rock’d to sleep]; and “backslap” coz tha short ride I take from Boni to Guadalupe on wooden-seated buses causes passengers’ backs to collide wit them hard wooden back’d seats when tha bus suddenly lurches forward [now, who’d fall asleep wit that?]
2. Tha Boni Kaliwa jeep takes longer than tha Boni Derecho jeep.
3. On tha left side of tha Kalentong street, a cerebral palsic boy about 8 years of age can be found simultaneously smoothin’ out his hair and makin’ faces while facin’ tha streets as if in front of an imaginary mirror.
4. Tha more I walk, tha more I wanna sleep. I walk from ma place to where tha Boni jeeps pass, from where it parks out to where buses pass, up tha double-staired overpass and down & then half a block, and finally from tha tent, git off, say hello to a string of resto’s, check ma reflection @ tha last mirror-walled one, cross a li’l puddle of mud that never disappears regardless of tha weather, before finally meeting Em. [Once in tha middle of stairclimbing, I stopp’d and tried to teleport self to Em. Dden work.:c]

*Shoe fatalities & casualties: ma sneaks whose back strap had snapp’d, ma pointy black mule who divorc’d its heel, and mum’s sandals whose strap came unglued twice, plus cuts & scratches on tha othr survivors.

Kno wen I us’d to work In tha government workplace & everyone’s hellish &horrible? Well I’ve made tis one great pal Jelai who works as a clerk @ tha Vice Mayor’s Office & whos prolly tha most selfless generous creature on earth. She alwez splits everythin wit me even when has very little to give & makes me laugh wit her way of dealin wit peepz & her English. Simply put, she rox! Here she is chattin wit me on Y!M wen I jokingly told her I’m selling self to earn moolah.

gelai_0106: take out your clothes
gelai_0106: hahaha
gelai_0106: ur price is kinda cheap
gelai_0106: u belong to 1 million onlt
gelai_0106: i love you best
gelai_0106: ako nalang bibili sau
gelai_0106: para hindi ka mapunta sa bad
gelai_0106: in me ill take care of you always like what I do to myself
gelai_0106: i will put u on a pedestal so that’s y nothing can harm you
gelai_0106: k naba yun
gelai_0106: ano papabili kapa ba?
gelai_0106: wer do u put tha money?
gelai_0106: after buying you
gelai_0106: in a piggy bank?
gelai_0106: =)
gelai_0106: u make me smile
gelai_0106: ur so funy ha
gelai_0106: daaaaaaaah
gelai_0106:
BUZZ!!!!
gelai_0106: heler
gelai_0106: harlem nalang kaya
gelai_0106: harlem
gelai_0106: its time for me to say bye
gelai_0106: i love you best ur such a one of a kind
gelai_0106: always pray ha trust god
gelai_0106: don’t feel angry if somebody wants u down
gelai_0106: believe in ur self and faith
gelai_0106: love family ur friends
gelai_0106: keep on chatting
gelai_0106: ill miss you always
gelai_0106: always remember that im here for you
gelai_0106: hope you wont change
gelai_0106: cause I like the way you are
gelai_0106: till here
gelai_0106: jelay is signing out
gelai_0106: bye:-h
gelai_0106: miss u bestfrend
gelai_0106: thanks for always there for me
gelai_0106: pagpalain ka sana ng diyos
gelai_0106: wish you all the best
gelai_0106: there is no better way to tellyou
gelai_0106: i
gelai_0106: love
gelai_0106: you
gelai_0106: best
gelai_0106: frend
gelai_0106: you
gelai_0106: mean
gelai_0106: the
gelai_0106: world
gelai_0106: to
gelai_0106: me
gelai_0106: may
gelai_0106: all
gelai_0106: your
gelai_0106: dreams
gelai_0106: come
gelai_0106: true
gelai_0106: gudluck
gelai_0106: take care
gelai_0106: ur
gelai_0106: frend
gelai_0106: jelay
gelai_0106: here
gelai_0106: bye:-h

Y'all, some church in Illinois juz profess'd a weird following for yours truly...

NO THANKS EH? Tha unexpress’d need fo’ sumthin in fear of misconceptions by other people [e.g., weakling, somebody who cares, human, etc.] eventually ripens into an ugly state of desperateness sooner or later. And when ya hafta shout jz to be heard and yer pride has estranged ye from all… it ain’t too pretty, is it?

Been keepin’ things private lately… ;-)

I just had lunch brought over to me in tha O. I feel like a craving pregnant woman whose every whim must be followed! And that's exactly how a bratinella like me want it to be! ;-)

Take me as you are,
Push me off the road.
The sadness,
I need this time to be with you.

I'm freezing in the sun,
I'm burning in the rain.
The silence, i'm screaming,
Calling out your name.

*And i do reside in the heat.
Put out the fire with me and find.
Yeah you'll lose the side of your circles.
That's what i'll do if we say goodbye.

**To be is all i gotta be
And all that i see,
And all that i need this time.
To me the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight.

The calmness in your face,
That i see through the night.
The warmth of your light is pressing unto us.
You didn't ask me why,
I never would have known oblivion is falling down.

If you could only know me like your prayers at night
Then everything between you and me will be all
Right.

She's already taken,
She's already taken,
She's already taken me.
She's already taken,
She's already taken,
She's already taken me.
The day you said goodnight.

-->Hale

Usually the first time I go to a place, face to face with people I barely know, I feel an immense loneliness. I see myself reflected in the glass of the window while black gloom spread over me. I am tied by blood to no creature in this world. I could go anywhere, do anything. It's dizzying. Suddenly, to see that the world so large, the cosmos so black, the unbounded fascination of it, the unbounded loneliness… these days, I'm feeling it with these hands, these eyes. I’ve been looking at the world half-blind. –Banana Yoshimoto

Simple Plan gets Complicated!

Who sat [or shall I say, stood] on the three thousand peso seating slot last Thursday courtesy of last minute free miracle passes acquired through tha right attitude, the right charm, and the right friends! ;-)
***
Since S.P. sound and lewk juz like otha bands in tha same genre [Hoobastank, Sum41, Blink 182, Greenday], some S.P. songs naturally sound juz like some otha bands' songs. Juz like...

1. S.P.’s ‘I’m Just A Kid’ and Sum41’s ‘In Too Deep’
I’m just a kid …and am tryin’ to keep up above my head instead of goin’ under…
2. S.P.’s ‘I’d Do Anything’ and Blink 182’s ‘All The Small Things’
I’ d do anything… truth care, truth brings...

Tha best & worst local overpasses
By Expert Commuter 5h1n3!

Best: Tha Raon one in Quiapo.
-very small staircase steps [anti-fatigue], minimal to zero beggar encounters, and shady too!

Worst: Guadalupe bridge in EDSA Guadalupe
-illogical double staircases [both fatigue-provoker & heights-phobia aggravator], tha most litter-infested, filthiest, most ancient staircases eroded by time [stepping on an uneven half-gone footing is not unusual]
Runner-up: Boni MRT bridge [specifically tha stairs]
-same eroded down problem, like somethin’has been gnawin’ down & snackin’ on tha steps [definitely not stiletto-friendly]

The author is a resident pedestrian as well as a slippers-to-work believer who has started commuting about a year and a half ago to this day.

Belated happy birthday to ma ex-boyfriend. You’ve survived me afterall. Haha.
***
You’ve got first dibs on me, you lucky thang, you. You have dispersed all focus I had on tha other tha mo’ I knew I had a chance wit you. I did not care having blown tha other off along wit security, stability, etc. I guess I juz don’t settle fo’ anythang that duzen have ma heart in it.
***
Tha one who loves you or tha one you love?
‘Can I git back to you again? I hafta ask both of em first …that way I can choose tha one who’ll choose me.’ ;-)
***
A friend whom anotha friend & me agreed on as skilled in his capacity to ‘say tha right things @ tha right time’ ask’d wut ma biggest turn-on is. Thinking physically, I had a hard time coming up wit an answer –I had liked both narrow & round-eyed, thin & chubby, tall & short, and fair & dark males tho’ I veer towards fair lads in younger years [Ricky Martin bein ma first crush]. Mentally, I have tis theory that every’un juz want someone to equalize their weaknesses –someone who will fill up their inadequacies and somehow be answers to tha problems they have about themselves. Prolly, a loser will want someone who’ll make him feel like a winner, a bossy person someone who’ll boss him around fo’ a change, etc. If it sez anything bout me, I want someone appreciative and persistent. Who won’t feel too secure in ma love, he’ll neglect/cheat on me. I used to think thoughtful is enuf. Now I kno that to carry out thoughtful deeds, a person has got to have tha drive. Laziness duzen cut it fo’ me pala. Lazy = too lazy to apologize, too lazy to fight fo’ me, too lazy to make tha relationship work, too lazy to git to kno me & start all over again [if he’s sore from anotha relationship], etc.

When I’m in a chatty mood, I talk wit every’un & any’un… guards, babies, jeepney drivers, peepz stuck in long lines wit me, package counter men [Ma friend here’s name is Shoplifter, does that make her punishable by law?], close friends’ brothers, etc. If people aren’t so lucky, tha journalist in me will even push me to interrogate these strangers to tha utter embarrassment of friends nearby… finding out if salesladies hide last pairs of shoes on sale if they really like em [like Sophia in tha Shoppaholic series] and wut punishment awaits a certain guard should he decide to switch tha channel of tha lobby TV in a TV Network company. Sometimes boys don’t git I’m born inquisitive & prone to cheerful babbling regardless of anyone. Prolly think I take special interest in em. Like a close friend’s brother whom I got to talkin on tha fon instead when ma pal ain’t home. And he got to callin’ w/c was fine wit me. On his third call he’s askin for a date –a friendly date, he stress’d, tryin’ to convince me to come as reference has already been made of tha magic word ‘boyfriend’ in our first conversation [a habit I’ve acquired since findin’ out that sayin it shrivels away unwanted prospects]. And then wanting to be a male concubine, not caring bout tha ‘boyfriend’. And then pesterin’ fo’ a date, so much so that tha times he call’d are spent solely on gettin’me to go that, ma patience havin’ been stretch’d to its limit, I say sumthin to him sort of like someone telling a child there’s no Santa Claus. So in a moment of guilt, I agreed to a date tha following month. Only I did not feel like talkin to him or seein him or bein’ nice to him anymore which thankfully he must’ve sensed since he stopp’d callin. And then he call’d again first day of tha next month juz to collect his ‘date’ which I really had no patience for. Morale of tha story: I have no patience for impatient peepz most spesh selfish peepz who base their every act on its corresponding gains. [Somehow I got to thinking he is that kinda person]

“Your eyeshadow’s darker on tha left.”
That’s because I’ve no eyeshadow on tha right.
“Huh?”
Crazymetalpipesonthabackofatruckdriversfault reallystoppinlikeitdidwhilstIwaslukintothari ghtwhereoncomingvehiclesarethereshudbesomela wforcartingvehiclescarryinstuffthatoverlapst
heircontainers

Everytime sum1 asks me wut ma ideal mate is, I alwez say tha same thing -that he would be sum1 constantly miss’d by me that, even at tha age of ninety when we wud’ve been tired of each otha, I’ll fret & totally be upset when for 5 minutes he disappears from ma sight even as he juz goes for nganga from a corner store.

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present, you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
->Rainer Maria Rilke

A friend flyin’ in from tha States 6AM tomorrow morn fo’ ma birthday... We gon' pahty like it’s ma boithday! ;-)

Boyfriend schmoyfriend
Except for really close friends, every’un always git tha crazy notion that I have a boyfriend. People would go “Swerte naman ng boyfriend mo!”, “Buti di nagagalit boyfriend mo!” [when I’d do sumthin bad], or: “Nasaan boyfriend mo?” witout askin first if a boyfriend really does exist. And when wit a straight face I’ll tell em that no, I do not have one, they’ll go, “Huu, ikaw pa!” as if I was born in tis world for tha purpose of havin’ boyfriends. Even church ministers would take one skeptical look at me then proceed to lecture me on the evils of having a boyfriend outside tha religion at our first meeting. So since no one believes me anyway, I’ve learn’d to give answers to their queschns depending on ma mood. Ma boyfriend lives in tha neighborhood. Or he lives far away. Boyfriend and me are to meet for a secret tryst when I’m seen goin home early. Seein each otha is bad for tha relationship. [on why they never see tha elusive boyfriend] I am actually getting’ hitch’d wit tha boyfriend y’all have created for me. [why I was leavin ma last place of employment before current bumhood.] And am havin his child. When I tire of a boyfriend, sometimes I have a girlfriend.
***
Earliest birthday memory
I was standing fo’ tha longest time in front of our house’s window wit maver right behind me, her arms round ma shoulders. ‘Twas ma third b-day and about 4PM already and we were getting cold from tha wind. When it became clear that no one was comin’, she pull’d me close and kiss’d me, apologetic that her li’l gurl wasn’t having guests @ her party. I was fine until she did tis. Then I thought of all ma fave food [espasol among otha things], tha fancy utensils, and tha colorful party napkins she prepared and felt sorry for her, for feelin guilty @ failin’ to give me guests and how she wanted so much to make me happy but there she was behind me unhappy. A guest did came later… scrawny puny Igi-boy who was barely two and lives just across from us -ma only guest brought over by his mother
***

I pray that tha next job will have tha weekends off juz like ma 2 previous jobs so I may still have fo’ ma’self 2 days of shopping, reminding ma friends I’m still part of their lives, breakin ma’self away from monotonous work-related hoopla, and otha stuff to accomplish which shuden be look’d back upon wistfully by tha end of tha year fo’ not bein’ dun. I pray that tha next job will have tha last one’s gewd pay so I can once again have sumthin to wipe out. I pray that tha next job will have tha first one’s DSL Internet connection witout firewalls on any site [mp3’s, any1?]. I pray that tha next job will be one ride away like tha last one. I pray that tha next job will gimme ma own direct line juz like tha first one. I pray that tha next job comes quick.

L.S.S. [Last Song Syndrome] of tha week:

If your status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for him
Betta be street if he lookin' at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Known to carry big things
If you know what I mean
If your status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for him
Betta be street if he looking at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Gotta know to get dough
And he betta be street

I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
They wanna take care of me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind takin one for me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
They wanna spend that on me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind puttin that on me (Where they at)
-->Soldier by Destiny's Child

A government employee
After waitin for maver to finish changin’ from her deaconess uniform one Thursday noon, I ask’d if we could use tha side door insteada main door to exit juz fo’ tha change in routine.
“No, I wanna see how many of my sakops went”, maver went and steer'd me to tha direction of tha tarhetas.
“You are such a government employee…”, I told her.
“What?!”
“Never mind.”
“Have you lost your mind again?”
*A government employee, by ma defn’tn, through 3 months of puttin’ up wit em, is a person who veers towards tha routinary way of living. They have tha urgent need to do thangs tha normal customary way and others can’t tell em othawise fo’ it will be a mortal error fo’ em equivalent to getting’ jail’d or sumthin worse, heaven forbid. Tis applies fo’ goin to werk [8-5 @ tha O. no matter if ya hafta do werk outside tha office & ye are better able to werk bcuz tha O. lack’d O. supplies], not bendin’ tha rules even a bit fo’ a special case [no, we can’t have a photo caption releas’d to tha media becuz it is not yet approved no matter if it’s juz two sentences and we are tryin’ to beat newspapah deadlines and tha mayor ain’t nowhere to approve], and bein’ ridiculously afraid of their amos, they won’t a] speak a word of mockery pertainin to em not even in a jokey way b] grant interviews or answer harmless questions needed to give meat fo’ press releases c] give copies of harmless statistical documents fo’ fear of losin’ their jobs.

In search for piec’d together used packs of juices

I do not know where I git ma energy to wander to for hours @ faraway places. Mebbe it’s true wut they say bout peepz who have moles on feet? Tha last day of werk before Christmas break and I was up by 4am after only 4hours of sleep. After gon to church and to work, I realized I still do not have gifts fo’ tha maternal clan which am seein tha next day. Not keen on havin to give away cash when tha kin come wishin’ me a happy holiday, I decided to go to tha place where sewn together tetra packs of juices are bein sold as bags. Only prob is I had no idea exactly where it is tho’ I know tha name of tha town [which is extensive and big.] So I hail’d a jeep and ask’d tha driver to take me there. So he took me to tha factory but they were clos’d fo’ tha day and not sellin’ anymore as tha bags I saw there were pre-order’d by some people from France. So I ask’d around fo’ otha possible Zesto bag-sellin’ places and walk’d and walk’d [no trykes or jeeps in sight] till I arrive @ a row of rundown houses wit tetrapacks hangin’ out on tha windows to dry. And I approach’d one & ask’d tha ales livin there whereelse I can buy a sewn-up Zesto bag. And they invited me in while ale1 chang’d clothes to escort me to tha seamstress of Zesto bags she knows. And while I was waitin, soiled little kids scatter’d ‘round and inspected me, starin’ @ tha grey&black-skirted stranger wit stood-on-ends hair sittin in their living room. Tho there was lotsa space in tha bench, they did not sit next to me but stood facin me and they’d giggle, hit each other and hide behind each other’s backs everytime I talk to one of em. I ask’d em wut grade level they are in and in typical kid fashion, one not only answer’d ma queschn, but volunteer’d other facts about herself as well, never mind that I did not ask her. Kid said she was in grade one -that all of them are- and that they were in section three, sounding as if being in section three makes all tha difference. Meanwhile it felt as if tha ale had forgotten bout me and gone to sleep and while I was deciding between staying and leaving, I took out tha remaining box of butterscotch bars I had baked tha previous night which was s’pos’d to be for a friend I did not see that day and handed it to tha kids. And then tha ale materialized & we all went to tha Zesto-bag maker which turn’d out to be another 50 or so miles away. Fascinating is tha fact that I was carryin’ wit me three-months’ worth of office junk while walkin. And then after buying bags, I wana buy a gift for someone not related to me. So wit tha added bulk of bags, ma personal bag, and tha big bag of office goop, I waited for hours for a MegaMall FX but no such vehicle pass’d ma way and I chatted wit tha ale in boredom of waitin & tha ale turn’d out to be waitin for a “Crossing jeepney” but no such luck either till twas getting dark already and she told me shed juz ride a “Kanto jeepney” first -which was practically tha only vehicle passin our way anyway. So she’ll git off where chances of a “Crossing jeepney” is more likely. Since I am impatient I went wit her. But after getting off @ tha kanto, she disappeard & there aint still a MegaMall FX so I rode “her” Crossing jeepney instead. And walked for miles till I reached tha Mall. And then I did not find anything interesting. So I walk’d all tha way back to tha Shangri-La mall. And that’s where I spent tha rest of ma cents on gifts. All in tha spirit of Christmas.
***

Lookin back at that day when ma bossy immediate superior wasn’t so bossy

She usually barks orders all day long. That day she hasn’t given me any, nor has she shouted at me or scolded me. She was at peace, serenely reading a pocketbook that was not work-related and playin games on our pc. Her fire had gone out and it’s as if she’d gone to heaven and tha person I’m wit was reduc’d to a body task’d to do normal functions like reading pocketbooks and talkin to me occasionally. She had given herself a pat on tha back that is tha assurance that from then on she will have it good by her final decision to git out of that place. I know becuz aside from “behaving”, she also pack’d her thangs into a big plastic bag @ tha end of tha day. She was also initiating conversations on our way home -askin me if I liked a certain food, etc.- like she was squeezing in topics that may connect us wit wut was left of our last moments wit each other. Her actions were clear statements that she was leaving. She had a place to go to. I diden. I was not ready to give ma’self peace tha way she did two months ago. Now I am. Tho I still have nowhere to go. So long terrible government workplace! I have struggled wit ya long enuf! I had fun fighting off yer inhabitants! It’s time to piss off other peepz!

i love to see the ocean’s beauty
and the moon that shines above
alone in the sand looking at the stars
wishing someday i would find true love
would it be nice to see the morning
with the one you love the most
would it be nice to say goodnight
to the one you hold so close to your heart
to your heart.

the wind that blows the dove
is the wind that blows my love
hope it’ll find its way to you wherever you are.

i love to sit in fields of green
looking deeply through the sky
watching birds as they fly by
hoping someday fate will bring me true love.
would it be nice to hold someone
so dear, near yo ur heart
would it be nice to hear those words
i love you from the one that you love,
that you love.

i’d love to see myself one day
in the arms of someone
who will share her life with me
selflessly…someday…
you will find your way to me…

-south border

Ma next-door-neighbors @ tha O are startin to speculate about ma sanity, I know.

Ma only officemate up & left me. Our office is currently bein’ demolish’d. Aside from still not havin phone, basic supplies like stapler & glue, it’s now diminish’d into 1/4 of its original dimension. Tha aircon & tha white light are on tha side bein repair’d on leavin’ me in a dusty, wood-smellin, claustrophobic, dark small space wit no ventilation wutsoever…
“Did you ask for an electric fan at least?”, a concerned neighbor ask’d.
“They wouldn’t give me.” [whilst typing mechanically @ a pc connected to an electrical outlet someone had unscrew’d]
“Won’t you at least take the computer out so you’ll be cooler then just take it in when you’re done?”
“I don’t mind really.” Tha pc stand do not have wheels and someone stole tha plank where tha fusebox fo’ switchin tha pc on&off used to be so tha fusebox now sat on tha floor –All makin it hard to lug tha pc in & out spesh in an office where there’s no officemate [‘cept for tha black lady, fkors].

I bask’d in ma seclusion stubborn as a mule –friendless, supply-less, & officemate-less- determin’d to stick it out till ma salary saves me.
***
Them nosy government employees start to git catty & petty.

Typical Queschns Aim’d @ Yours Truly:
1] How much is your salary?
2] Wut does your father do for a livin’?
3] Your mother?
4] Where did you study?
5] Approximately how many square kilometers does your house measure to?

Anu itu, LIFESTYLE CHECK? I guess how I answer will be their basis fo’ likin’ me or not. Or they just need excuses to hate me and any will do whether it be right or wrong based on their own perverse judgment system. And then they make catty comments about every aspect of ma life. Hey “friends”, I juz wna make it clear hiyah: MONEY has a way bigger callin’ to me than y’all. No, I am NOT thinkin bout resigning @ all coz MUKHA AKONG PERA –got that?

I resolve to save enuf to have something worthy to fill tha blanks in in tha assets, liabilities & networth section of tha papers tha Personnel department is makin me fill in.
***
Steel Bars Shall Not Come Into Collision Unto Thy Back

That is why I try to avoid tha second-to-tha-last passenger seat [near tha loading side of tha jeep] as best as I could where tha steel handles dig real deep & are murder fo’ ma back.

I was lonely for someone to talk to but after dialin’ a few persons’ numbers from ma list of selected people to call and not findin’ any of em home, I diden feel like returnin’ tha receiver to its cradle just yet so I dial’d a random number…
Me: May I speak wit.. [paused to make up name] ..J please?
Kid: Eto na nga siya.. bakit?
Me: Ha?? D nga! You’re really named J?
Kid: Oo nga. Sino ba to?
Me: Ah. [thinkin up excuse] Eh hinahanap ko yung matandang J eh. Wala na bang ibang J diyan?
Kid: Wala. Ako lang dito.
Me: Ilang taon ka na ba?
Kid: 12
Me: Ah k. Wrong number nga! Bye!
***
I was still maudlin & restless so I decided to send tha big fanciful “Shayn loves you” message in ma phone done in lined-up rows of parentheses to kith and kin that are close to ma heart. Cousins, aunts, uncles, former classmates, and close friends alike were all victims of ma “KSP” mood, tryin to solicit an ounce of attention from em. Only 2 heeded: Madcow S. who was comin home late & who, gettin ma message warp’d in his Sony Ericsson phone, ask’d me wut t’was, and tha unfailing Fox mother hen Lada who forwarded a friendship quote.
***
Miss en wab co kayo! …miss ño ba’co? Eh wab? Wah!!!!

Kung hindi maghihintay ang naghihintay sakin
Magsasalisi ang buhay naming
Tulad ng mga planetang nag-aabangan
Sa kani-kaniyang landasin-
Bawal mag-engkwentro
At baka malansag kristal na uniberso
->Rolandio Tinio

La lan. I juz felt like…

Goin fo’ a 3-day visit to Baguio witout money.
Forgettin to pack ma own towel.
Packin’ a mini skirt to a place wit freezing cold weather.
Takin lotsa fab pics wit ma phone then givin’ ma phone away via droppin it on tha sidewalk.

La lan.

And then when I got home…
Ambling round in tha mall wit no specific purpose in mind then remembering 3 hours later that I have left ma plastic folder somewhere -tha plastic folder which contained ma civil service eligibility documents, resume, employee clearance, sample works and [gulp]… tha check fo’ ma 13th month pay which is tha very last of ma riches & is meant to pay electric bills and such. [W/c I found wit tha guard in Bench after a frantic search & askin’ all over tha place]
Paying tha fare fo’ ma jeepney ride home before gettin’ off again whilst remembering tha Bench package I left at tha grocery’s package counter.

I’m on a roll.

I had been complainin bout ma eyes & head fo’ weeks but wen maver finlly told me to go see tha doc I waver’d.
Ma: Bilisan mo na kumilos. Pupunta ka ngayon sa duktor.
Me: Ngayon? Eh pano kung wala palang diperensya sacen?
Ma: Eh di mabuti nga kung ganon! Ano ka ba?
Onga noh.
***
I had no idea ma bro of 22 years is such a likeable person. A day of skipp’d work & they [3 gals] came barrelin’ gaily @ home. One of em was tha HR person. [prolly checkn if bro’s really sick] Upon findin’ out & suddenly rememberin a certain test, I ask’d her wutz up wit a particularly unrelenting sentence completion test that keep turning up @ every company I apply in. She said tha company was tryin to find out if tha applicant has any conflicts wit in tha family etc. If that’s true, am wonderin wut they make of ma answers, I bein tha ultimate contender fo’ unrevelatory answers… Some of ma answers read:
My father never… fails to watch his fave soaps everyday.
My mother… looks nuthin like her daughter.
When I was a child I… was fat.
Sometimes am too lazy to think of answers of ma own so I get it from tha previous queschn juz like “Someday, I want….”, to which I answer’d “..people to work for me.” Tha previous queschn was “People who work for me…”.
***
It has occur’d to me that some persons might be searchin fo’ certain posts bout em in tis blog. Well am sowee but I can’t post about you if you keep reading tis. Guess you’ll juz hafta find ma other diary. Haha!

It’s almost night. I’m so bored I wanna git married. I alwez resort to tha idea of gettin’ married in ma mind when tha world pisses me off. I wud be like, Ah ganun ha! Y’all don’t wana bend to ma wishes? Bahala kayo! I’ll elope & git married to ___ [sum1 I know who has lotsa cash] or if not, I will marry ma’self to any random rich man I cud find, however horrendously ugly. Insteda suicidal thoughts, I git marriage thoughts wen am angry/depress’d. Why not have everything while havin nuthing? And now, am so terribly bored am actin angry/depress’d. Hay. Yea D., money is indeed tha answer to 80% of tha world’s problems.

I miss thangs.  

Like ma pc whose endless “Rescued Document” files & otha thangs I’ve deleted to keep tha remaining free disk space @ 2GB.

Ma framed photo of Hua Ze Lei on ma desk.
Ma desk & tha spiders on it.
Ma hand-me-down printer from Manel which prints unevenly unless you hold tha paper in place.

Ma balloon. [tha one they placed on ma tower of cubes when they lunch’d out & I mis’d a day of work]

Tha "tape recorder"
Ma newly discover’d desktop game @ ma pc wherein amidst a big sea, Dogbert slingshots people onto islands, mountains, planes, submarines, etc.

Checkin on tha boss' daily planner to see if he has plans of stayin in tha O
Turnin’ on tha radio when tha boss is out.
Hurryin’ to tha one & only Internet-connected pc in tha O “ “ “ “ “.
Havin’a mini picnic of pancit canton/Mr. Chips/doughnuts “ “ “ “ “.
Takin’ mini trips to tha mall “ “ “ “ “.
Goin’ to work early on Thursdays.

Seein’ one of Ate Emy’s gazillion cats approach outta tha corner f ma eye & mistakin em fo’ people.
Hearin tha word “tarpaulin”.
Same goes for “Ta-waaagan mo”.
Tha clang of tha petty cash [box] bein open’d & clos’d.
Tha jangle of BZ’s car keys [much like tha sound of pots & pans to a dog’s ears].
 
And these thangs ‘bout these peepz:

Manel’s laugh, charger, & her gazillion credit card callers.
Tha rubbing alcohol & coffee sachets JP provides.

Elmer’s pretend-drunk way of talkin’ & his efforts @ misspellin ma name [‘Shyne’ insteda ‘Shayn’] -as I hate peepz who spell ma name tha right boring way.
Daren’s altruistic grantin’ of favors to every’un & his unusual bits of knowledge on health & otha things.

Paul’s antipatiko quips.
Mang C’s chitchat.
BZ’s pasalubongs from his trips.
 
...And tha balm that soothed ma unemployment-ness:
Printing 20 sets of resumé courtesy of Manel’s printer. [mine only does black&white]
Bein’ treated to Yellow Cab pizza on ma last day courtesy of Paul who took time to visit.
Gettin’ ma 15 downloaded songs burn’d on a CD courtesy of Daren.
JP’s temptin’ offer fo’ me to take anythang I fancied in tha O minutes before leavin. [tha wall art décor was too big to fit in ma paper bag]
Elmer’s talk of how happy a vacation is tha day tha two of us were sent on field.
***

Will they miss ma “not-there-but-there” presence?
 

Don’t ask me for directions I’m asleep day
Can anyone not ask me directions in tha jeep? I’m sleepin’ ok? So wut if I look awake, I sleep wit ma eyes open. I do not know if you rode tha wrong jeep or if ya miss’d yer stop or if tis jeep is goin’ to yer destination. All I know is I’ll git off @ ma stop, alrighty? To tha two lost persons who ask’d me fo’ directions tis morn & evenin’, believe me, y’all are better off witout ma help. I'm as gewd as tha person next to ya sleepin! Directions, of all thangs! Sheesh!
***
Givin’ manong his day’s supply of bente-cinco’s
When I was ‘bout to pay fo’ ma 2nd ride goin to work, I realiz’d all I have are coins. Purely twenty-five cent ones, wit ma next closest money bein’ a hundred. So I started countin out coins meticulously, wantin’ to hand tha exact amount & not wantin any coin to spill over tha muddy floor. It bein a crowded jeep, ‘twas only logical to first balance both ma bag & paperbag at ma knee where they lean’d towards ma seatmate while I counted coins. [I counted out 26, should’ve given 28 but I was 2 coins short] Then witout warning, ma seatmate suddenly sprang forward to sit on tha wider space a passenger had juz vacated across, causin’ ma white paperbag to fall on tha wet floor, tha male biatch! I had nuthin to wipe it wit so I juz let tha muddy side face away from me –and that’s when a new passenger in pale yellow shirt sat next to me & instantly acquired a brown spot on his sleeve courtesy of ma paper bag. Tha man kept lookin’ @ his sleeve & @ me but I was still sore @ tha man across fo’ droppin’ ma bag so I pretended not to notice. Sowee, not ma fault!

At tha fete:
1.We watch’d Pammy perform both original & cover songs wit tha rest of Mozzie and sing ‘Moonlight Over Paris’ wit Paolo S.
2.A lanky thin American in his thirties approach’d, extended his hand to me & spoke to me in fast slang w/c ma untrained-for-a-callcenter-career-ears diden catch… sumthin’ like “My middle name’s ____ and I’d like to make your day.” Or “My middle name’s ____ and I _____ you someday.” Then smiled like he was really pleas’d wit himself, waited a few moments fo’ my response [I sorta grimaced] then was gone.
3.We listen’d to ‘Itsumo’ perform’d live by Dice & K-9 at tha hiphop concert @ tha Basement.
4.We watch'd Gabby eat his dinner on a patis container.
5.We trusted Ruth more wit tha wheel to try to clown around wit her as she drove us home [‘Sssshhhtt!!! This is very crucial!” –Ruth tryin to make us stop as she turn’d into a street. ]
6.We ask’d Leidy how her new object of affection [potential contender fo’ Lada’s legendary 7 year-crushhood?] look’d…
Leidy: “Oo, gwapo siya pero—…“
Kathy: “Pero..?! Anong pero?!? Gwapo siya pero walang ilong. Gwapo siya pero isa lang ang mata. Gwapo siya pero walang gilagid…anong pero?!!!
7.We grill’d Kathy ‘bout her 'palangga'.
8.We miss’d Patwee.

Bad blood in tha jeepneys
Resentment run high among passengers lately who git less change than wut they expected & who are very averse on dishing out an extra buck fo’ tha driver who claims their bayad is kulang. [Those who were charg’d more fo’ today’s fare than yesterday’s harbor ill feelings towards tha manong who takes away tha pre-fated peso that would have added to ease some other expense while those who were charg’d less fo’ today than yesterday harbor ill feelings towards yesterday’s manong.] I was one of these forehead knittin’ passengers yeterday when as I handed tha exact amount I was ask’d for tha previous day on a jeep goin tha same route, tha driver ask’d for more. [piso pa] Which I dish’d. And he drive’d. But @ an exaggerated leisurely pace. And witout failin to stop @ each human being we encounter on tha 45-minute drive fo’ him to invite to ride his jeep. So that even if I woke up moderately early fo’ work, his pace was makin’ me moderately piss’d & late. So that a cop busted him fo’ stopping in tha middl of tha highway for a passenger [who got off soon as tha cop approach’d], causin more delays. Then juz as I had predicted, far into tha ride soon as tha other remaining passenger left, manong ask’d me where I plan to git off [“Dun pa po!”], prolly thinkin’ he could talk me into getting off right that instance. I diden. I rode for every cent & extra buck he ask’d, hell if he’ll make me walk miles & be later than I already was!
***
Badder blood in the jeepneys
Today, [tha post before tha asterisks happen’d yesterday] I unintentionally caus’d a rift between a co-passenger & tha driver when, upon noting that tha elderly alé @ ma right handed over suspiciously fewer coins fo’ someone who’s headed @ tha same stop, I ask’d tha alé how much she gave [P6]. I then ask’d tha manong fo’ ma 50cent change since he charg’d me P6.50 earlier. Then ruckus comenc’d…

Manong [still quite meek]: “Hindi, sikspibti talaga ang pamasahe, pinatawad co lang nga kanina nung siks lang ang inabot.
Alé [flaring up]: “Anong sikspibti? Araw-araw akong sumasakay, siks lang binabayad ko eh!”
Manong: “Kahit tingnan nyo pa po sa papel, sikspibti na pag 4 kilometers! Pinatawad ko na nga lang kayo kaya lang may nagreklamo”
Alé: “Eh first 4 kilometers pa lang, dapat nga paybpibti lang ang bayad eh! O, eto!” [dishing out 2 twenty-fives angrily]
Manong[at tha same time handing over 50 cents]: “Hindi nga pinatawad na nga lang kayo eh! Pakibigay nga sa nagreklamo!” [Since both tempers are flaring, I did not dare to git ma 50 cents back & juz let tha alé take it.]

There was peace fo’ 10 minutes.

Then:
Manong [in a surprisingly louder, fed-up voice while getting out a piece of paper tuck’d among his belongings]: “O, ETO! BASAHIN NYO! PARA MALAMAN NYONG MALI KAYO! WALA NAMANG BAYAD NA SIKS DYAN! PAYBPIBTI, SIKSPIBTI, SEBENPIBTI… GANUN LANG!”
Alé [not even bothering to look @ tha paper so I hafta pass it to tha manong again]: “HINDI NAMAN ORIGINAL YAN EH! NAKIKINIG KAMI NG RADYO, NANONOOD NG TV ARAW-ARAW, ALAM NAMIN KUNG MAGKANO ANG IBABAYAD!”
Manong: “BAKIT, PAG NAG-PA-PIKSYUR BA KAYO, IBIG NYO BANG SABIHIN HINDI NA KAYO YON? KOPYA NGA LANG YAN PERO TAMA YAN!”
Alé: “EH MALAY BA NAMIN KUNG TOTOO TALAGA YAN, SA IBANG DYIP, NAKAPASKIL SA HARAPAN! KAHIT NA BIGYAN PA KITA NG SANDAAN, WAG KA LANG MANLOKO!
Manong: “BAKIT NGA PAG SA LITRATO, KAYO RIN NAMAN YUN AH! [then as an afterthought] YUNG NAKAPASKIL KONG KOPYA, BINAKLAS NG MGA BATA, EH ANO PA BANG MAGAGAWA KO DUN?
Alé: “BASTA KAHIT SANDAAN PA ANG IBIGAY KO SAYO, WAG KA LANG MANLOLOKO NG TAO!!!

Whatever. They were still at it when I got off. [tha alé diden git off @ ma stop afterall, therefore I diden save tha alé tha effort of havin’ to ask his archenemy to let her git off] Wud manong have bursted a vein had I insisted in gettin’ ma 50cents back? ;-)

Grown-ups are stringy, fire-breathin, serious, prim & proper, gossipy, and prone to share tha most embarrassing stories ‘bout their kids. Yesterday, at ma highschool pal Estabita’s [whose actual name is Elaine Estabillo but whom I call Estabita fo’ fun] gathering fo’ her kid’s 3rd birthday, I realized that I would be perceiv’d as tha friend of some person’s mother. And in that light, I am partly responsible fo’ moulding a kid’s stereo-typing abilities on wut grown-ups are [fire-breathin, serious, prim & proper, etc.] based on how I act that night. And me & Lorrie, tha grown-ups who stayd fo’ tha longest time weren’t bein very “grown-up” at all.

In fact, I can already imagine the queschns in Azalea Maiden Lei’s prettly li’l shaolin head w/c shell prolly spring on ma gewd pal, Estabita:

Ma, do grown-ups really…
squeal at the slightest provocation?
shove each other so hard, one almost connected wit tha floor?
play “Ito ang beat”, Chicky Chicky Bab, & Crossmeloshake?
find fun in swatting, slapping and pinching each other?
argue over larger portions of cake?
love plucking sugar roses from birthday cakes?
play with balloons and ask to take one home wit em?

We stopp’d horsing around long enuf to stare at mother & child as Maiden stopp’d working on her coloring book to run in tha arms of her maver and kiss her 6-month preggy mum.
Wistful ME: “Awww…”
Equally Wistful Lorrie: “Tara, gawa na rin tayo anak!”

Anotha fave moment:
Maiden sayin “ice cream..!” in a sing-songy way while happily coloring beyond tha lines of an orange ice cream in her coloring book usin’ tha new Powerpuff crayons her beautiful Tita 5h1n3 gave her.

In one of ma "pagpapanggap" dayz @ tha O., came across tis one by Adrienne Rich while pretendin to be busy while browsin each file in ma office pc...

From An Atlas Of The Difficult World

I know you are reading this poem
late, before leaving your office
of the one intense yellow lamp-spot and the darkening window
in the lassitude of a building faded to quiet
long after rush-hour. I know you are reading this poem
standing up in a bookstore far from the ocean
on a grey day of early spring, faint flakes driven
across the plains' enormous spaces around you.
I know you are reading this poem
in a room where too much has happened for you to bear
where the bedclothes lie in stagnant coils on the bed
and the open valise speaks of flight
but you cannot leave yet. I know you are reading this poem
as the underground train loses momentum and before runningup the stairs
toward a new kind of love
your life has never allowed.
I know you are reading this poem by the light
of the television screen where soundless images jerk and slide
while you wait for the newscast from the intifada.
I know you are reading this poem in a waiting-room
of eyes met and unmeeting, of identity with strangers.
I know you are reading this poem by fluorescent light
in the boredom and fatigue of the young who are counted out,
count themselves out, at too early an age. I know
you are reading this poem through your failing sight, the thick
lens enlarging these letters beyond all meaning yet you read on
because even the alphabet is precious.
I know you are reading this poem as you pace beside the stove
warming milk, a crying child on your shoulder, a book in your hand
because life is short and you too are thirsty.
I know you are reading this poem which is not in your language
guessing at some words while others keep you reading
and I want to know which words they are.
I know you are reading this poem listening for something, tornbetween bitterness and hope
turning back once again to the task you cannot refuse.
I know you are reading this poem because there is nothing else left to read
there where you have landed, stripped as you are.