Sorry we did not reach our dreams

Twin boys Dylan & Ulrich. A baby girl called Mischka. A copper-themed wedding. The mac&cheese meals I'll cook for him. Tha hundreds of mango pana cotta desserts I could create for him. Eternity wit him. I'm sorry we could no longer make it possible. Bad circumstances got in tha way...

What will you do if you see your ex in public?

I'll hug him because he used to be a big, if not the biggest part of my life. He will always be someone important and shall my friends or family try to trash him or badmuth him, i'll simply say: "He's a man I used to love. In place of that love, I'd like to give him the respect that is due to him so please please respect him not for wut he is today or wut he has done to me but see him singularly for the man he used to be when he was at the peak of his love for me. Just tha way I hope he and his friends and family will treat me today.

For tha pangs of pain, for tha difficult transition from getting so used to being half a couple back to living everyday life alone, for getting drunk on sleeping, for walking slowly wit ma soul trailing behind, for helpless things and places that remind, for all these things and more… it is with difficulty that I obstruct myself from running into your arms. But I know there’s no relaxation of the rules nor special consideration. So I pray for that moment when I’ll be able to finally let go.

Symptoms of an Ex:

Congratulations! You are now officially an Ex! Expect these symptoms anytime soon:

1. Asking friends to search through their circle of friends and refer you to the single, "good" ones.
2. Regularly checking your ex's ym status, friendster shoutout, profile, etc. to see if there's something about you.
3. Getting urges to inform your Ex that you're sick hoping to draw out some sympathy/guilt/last traces of love from him/her.
4. Listening to sad mp3s.
5. Cleaning out. Putting away pictures and stuff your ex gave, deleting him/her from all address books you have… cellphone, e-mail, ym, friendster, etc.
6. Getting sudden attacks of crying.
7. Getting sudden attacks of catatonicness.
8. Mourning. Especially on weekend nights.
9. Waking up later than usual/Finding it hard to wake up early.
10. Slacking off/getting lazy to do simple things you had no trouble doing before.

Not fair

My gay Literature professor Ralph Galan once said that it is not fair to be a woman for we just get to choose our partners from the men who will choose us. Meanwhile, men can choose their partners from all the women in the world. Moving on from a break-up is similar. If you’re a guy and you can pick girls easily, then it will be just as easy to enter another relationship with a girl and move on with life, because for me –no matter how many people say that time is the greatest healer- Another Relationship is still the greatest healer. I know he will soon find his girl sooner than I find my boy. He might even get married earlier. I know this and I know… That being gurl sucks!

How can 1 year and 6 months not hurt?

As a child, whenever I scraped my knees, or everytime I have to take down yucky tasting cough syrup, or endure injections whenever sick, my parents would always egg me on and boost my faltering spirit by telling me “Tapang yan eh! Dali, mas matapang ka pa nga sa kuya mo eh! Antapang o! Pakita mo na na matapang ka!” Then glowing with pride for my supposed bravery and feeling that I have to live up to my image as their “braver child”, I would take deep breaths, hide any traces of fear I might still have from my parents, then take the damned medicine/endure the injection/swallow back tears that are about to come.
Now that I am all grown-up, I still try to put up my “braver child” façade. And because they’ve stopped telling me those encouraging words the time I stopped being “bulol”, this time I do the cheering for myself. Every time I am reminded of a happy memory of something that is no longer a part of me, and when moments come that I yearn for this old friend, I just stop to console myself and internally whisper “Sssshhh… Tama na. Tahan na. Tapang yan eh!”

Gentleman [not tha opening doors for you type]

A big turn-on for me, probably next to being sexily courageous and aggressive, is being a gentleman. And when I say gentleman, it’s not tha opening doors for you carrying things for you type although that constitutes extra points for me only if he’s also tha gentleman I’m talking about. Tha gentleman I’m talking about is tha one not ruled by wutz between his legs. Tis gentleman will not try to get into my pants tha first time he gets tha opportunity. Tis gentleman will not try to paw me, or bring any part of his body close to me, or in any way try to get close to me without ma permission. Tis gentleman won’t try to take advantage that we are close or we are friends nor try to take advantage becoz I don’t get mad easily and I trust him not to act libidinous towards me. Tis gentleman will take tha front seat next to tha driver and allow me my space at tha backseat and will know better than to physically try to be close to me unless I have stated clearly to him that I like him, too. Tis gentleman CAN KEEP HIS DISTANCE. And so if you’re a man, and you’re reading tis and you’re hoping that one day I might respect you or even like you. I have tis to say for you. BE A GENTLEMAN FIRST.

How to spot a cheater:

1. He/she has a weak character. Weak characters are usually quitters who –instead of trying to work things out fairly and logically- will instead immediately lash out and plot revenge when their ego has been wounded. They’ll usually resort to tactics like going out with someone else just to get even.
2. He/she finds it hard to swallow pride. As mentioned, these people just won’t admit defeat. So wearing their proud hats with egos high up in tha air, they try to do things that will hurt their partners so that they won’t feel “agrabyado” coz they have upped and” evened tha score”.
3. He/she is insecure. When you’re insecure, you often feel that your spouse will cheat on you or does not really love you so you continue going out with other people in tha hopes of filling up that irreplaceable insecurity you’re feeling that only you alone can solve.
4. He/she is devious and sly and has tried one or two of the following: altered their time card log-in when no one else is looking, did not return extra change, bought a P150 worth exchange gift for a P250 worth. When you have a sly mind, you’re also likely to use it to cheat on your partner same as you’ve been doing with everything else.
5. He/she changes mind quicky. If your spouse haven’t had a stable job that lasts long, is impulsive, easily gets tired with stuff, doesn’t have a cause he/she strongly believes in, and is quick to change mind and opinion, then it is more probable that he/she is also constantly deliberating between liking/loving two or more persons at tha same time. And it’s just so easy to go back and forth, back and forth…

Signs you’re getting fat

Used to be that all tha junkfood… tha potato chips, Mr. Chips, Tortillos, cake slices, chocolate and strawberry cookies I ram into ma mouth don’t turn into anything ‘cept be burn’d down for some unfathomable reason [coz Lord knows exercise I do not]. That my flat 24-inch waistline would not betray tha restless mouth I have that’s prone to bouts of midnight snackin’. That I’d even make fun of ma high school pals’ seriousness at dieting by defiantly eating 2-3 Mars chocolate almond bars during lunch and leave ‘em wondering why I don’t get fat and my skin doesn’t break out. I thought all was fine and I could continue like this till old age & not be fat. Then I reach’d 23.
Because of a not-so-adequate earnings, a workplace that’s waay faraway from home, and a job that entails late night events, I tried to save by not eating much outside tha home and then stuffin’ ma pretty face full once I step’d inside tha comforts of my home -which would usually be around 10pm becoz of tha heavy traffic and tha natural farness of tha workplace or even later when there’s an event- and then proceeding to lie down & sleep even before I have completely digested my last bite. After a year of this kinda lifestyle, workmates begin to notice tha weight I was putting on, every pair of loose jeans I own suddenly begin to fit snugly, and t’was a constant struggle to put on jeans that used to be easy to get into. Suddenly I’m fat. And here are tha telltale signs:

1. During a bath, you try to look down straight at yer crotch and find that your stomach is obstructing tha view.
2. When you slip on a pair of panties, all open sides –tha waistband, and both leg bands seem to be digging a bit into your flesh and tha waistband seem to get semi-lost UNDER tha bulge that is your tummy where it USED TO just lie FLAT on your tummy and tha skin abuv tha waistband is level with tha waistband as if both are just of one flat, even surface.[not anymore!]
3. You wear a tight fitting shirt and notice that tha part covering tha stomach has creases and folds.
4. You find lines [if not full on cellulites]on your tummy.
5. You pinch your puson and find that you have something [a whole lot of something] to pinch.
6. You put a ruler from your navel straight down and find that there’s a space between tha ruler and your skin just three inches below your navel.
7. When you wear old slacks, you find that your crotch has gotten quite bulky and tha outline of your crotch is visible, not to mention tha hot, crowded, closed-in feeling your crotch is having.
8. At tha end of tha day, you’ll have red marks around your waist and tummy from wearing jeans that has gotten super snug.
9. You frequently get gas, “kabag”, ulcer and an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that you get from insisting on wearing jeans that don’t really fit anymore.

Strange Fantasies, Engagement, Virginity, & Marriage
One of my strange fantasies has always been to be approached by a total stranger, be given flowers [doesn’t matter if it’s a single rose or a whole bouquet of flowers] without any prepared note, and then quick as he had arrived, the man will walk away from me without looking back. It shows three traits I want in a man: courage, impulsive extravagance, and the ability for doing a thoughtful gesture without expecting anything in return. The closest I’ve encountered is getting an anonymous note stuck in my Math book with my name and the words “Love your smile” penned in red in 1st yr. college.
***
Since everyone is gettin’ engaged nowadays, might as well share my own engagement fantasy. I have always dreamt of being engaged at an early puppy-love age. Ideally, I would have luv’d gettin’marriage proposals in kindergarten. Since that isn’t exactly feasible anymore, let’s move on to my idea of engagement and marriage. If I were to get engaged and be married, I wouldn’t want it any other way than to be in secret. Secret engagement and marriage as in no one knows it ‘cept for me & him. Other peepz alwez ruin relationships that should only involve 2 persons and so why put up & be bogg’d down by bothering to tell other people?
***
No man marries for virginity anymore. And honestly, wut virgin woman would want to get hitch’d to superficial thinking men who’ll only marry for intact hymen? This doesn’t mean that women should sleep around as they please. The following traits are traits I think that men should have to be able to qualify in sleeping wit decent women:

1. Should at least be paying for his own life presently [his rent, laundry, daily food, bills] if not owning a solo condo unit
2. Independent decision maker [one who doesn’t need to consult his parents or elderly anymore for mundane activities like driving cars or making decisions.
3. Should be able to book his own medical appointment etc. and buy his own personal toiletries/underwear.

Otherwise, boys, juz be content wit kissing us for tha moment. Or you could marry us first… Remember boys, kindergarten actions deserve just-as-juvenile intimate moments. Sex means you are getting ready to provide for a life being or two.

It started with doubts.

I knew he didn’t love me on our 1^st day together as a couple. [We became an item tha previous day but decided not to see each other juz for tha zaniness & tha heck of it] I say this because when we were on tha bus ride home, I tried out tha magic words to him, curiously waiting how he will react [yes this is my 1^st relationship]. He did so by staring blankly at a spot beneath my head and blinking a few times, seemingly lost in thought over something.

Few, if none relationships ever start with pure love. There are a hundred and one reasons for choosing to enter into a relationship with someone without ever having to love him or her. I totally believe that love only comes after such a period of time had passed that both individuals truly know each other, depending on tha frequency of tha couple’s time together. But in this day and age, no one in his right mind would go through old-fashioned courtship for a couple of years before entering a relationship. The average acquaintance, getting to know, and courtship period nowadays is 1 – 6 months, and that’s not even everyday communication but on an inconsistent weekly tryst.s Here are a few reasons people enter a relationship in such a short amount of time:

1. Physical appearance More specific: To score -->Most specific: Sex. Most people in this country just don’t do casual sex. So how to score on a yummy crush? Enter into a relationship with him/her and earn unlimited, not to mention exclusive nookie rights. To be equally exclusive to him/her is up to you based upon your greed & eagerness to catch herpes.
2. To get back on an ex for dumping him/her or leaving him/her for another, to try to ignite jealousy, and therefore inspire a Much Hoped For Reconciliation from tha Still Loved [but no1 has catch’d on u still love him/her, u swear!] Ex.
3. Tha inability to live without a boyfriend/girlfriend a.k.a. Dependence on Romantic Relationships. Surely beats boredom, it’s convenient & it’s companionship with benefits, you say. Wut more can you ask for?
4. Generosity or tha ability to share/spend huge amounts of one’s Money and other material belongings on Another. Which is juz an oozingly attractive trait in an individual.
5. Tha inability to reject another. Most people just can’t hurt another’s feelings and can’t say no no matter what.
6. A sexual act. [Kiss, hug, touching, sex, etc.] One of you might have seduced tha other to trick him/her into getting into a relationship or in tha case of tha seduction having been done just as a hormonal knee-jerk reaction by tha initiator, tha other might feel that they both owe it to thamselves to ‘legalize’ tha act and thus enter into a relationship so that tha other won’t feel ‘dehado’ by continually doing it without tha blessing of an exclusive commitment.
7. Insufferable Persistence. Know those e-mail alerts you get in tha mail asking you to join a certain community site which you get repetitively from everyone in your yahoo contacts? They juz keep pouring and pouring in and you’ve been doing fine ignoring them for tha first few months. But than tha 10001th invite came. So just to stop them from coming in, you just click and join already. Same thing goes for a beau that just won’t go away. Instead of draining your energies tryin' to keep him/her away, sometimes it's juz easier to give in & accept him/her in your life.
8. To try to forget a forbidden love e.g. a friend's bf/gf/ex, a friend's ex, someone's wife/husband, a cousin, someone's bf/gf. Some people don't have the courage to go for the ones they really love 'coz the situation ain't easy. Or sometimes, when there comes a much awaited opening like the Forbidden Desired One got dumped or breaks it off with his/her lover, it’s too late already because by then, the Carefully Crushing individual who's got it bad for Forbidden Desired One would have already been dating another to pass time. So wut happens is tha Forbidden Desired One & Carefully Crushing forever throws longing ‘wut-might-have-been' looks & share stolen moments at each other while heading for tha other direction & creating relationships wit their respective Uncomplicated & Unsuspecting Partners.

So wut you ask is my non-pure reason for entering into a relationship? It’s number 6 & 7. Admittedly, it was me who insisted on tha relationship. He might have just wanted for us to juz date around a while but my last non-relationship was horrific & I don’t wanna go through frustrations, anger, & feelings of inadequateness again. I entered a relationship b’coz we held hands & I don’t wanna be no holding hands without commitment coz I know it would lead to kissing. And kissing for me –without a boyfriend- is tha milder version of getting pregnant without a husband. And yea, he also won’t leave me alone. For him, considering am not really overwhelmingly rich & generous, I suspect its number 1. Also number 8. And love came only on tha 6^th month.

I hate interviews.

Interview Facilitator: Aside from writing, what else can you do?
Master: I can do basic Photoshop, basic HTML & S.E.O.
Interview Facilitator: What else?
Master: What do you mean what else? I’m a writer, I write. Programmers get paid just to program, why shouldn’t I be paid just to write? Anyway, forget it—if you insist, I can enumerate my other skills but each additional skill I mention will increase my salary expectation by Php 1,800 if you actually expect me to do it. Let’s see, I can curl my tongue into three loops [Php 1,800.00], I can bend my pinky finger without bending the rest [Php 1,800.00], I can rap [Php 1,800.00], I can perfectly sing ala Rhianna [Umbuh-ruhla-uhla-uhlaah-ei!] [Php 1,800.00], I can dance like a boy [Php 1,800.00], or a gurl [Php 1,800.00], I can piss others till they tear at their hair and they’ve used up all cuss words they can at me inside their heads [They won’t actually be cussin’ me at my face ‘coz it’s typical Filipino behavior to show dislike through backstabbing & parinigs & not through confrontations] [Php 1,800.00], I can find best grocery shop that has the cheapest price for any grocery product you want [Php 1,800.00 per product], I can convince security guards into letting me in without ID [Php 1,800.00], or convince them into letting me in just to exit their back entrance [Php 1,800.00], I can do a blow-by-blow report on what I do every day in your office [Php 1,800.00], I can work during lunch [Php 1,800.00 for every 5 minutes]…

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

-->Evanescence

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

--Sia

Word verification alt note from Yahoo:
"Attention blind or visually impaired users. To complete this form you
must enter a word that is part of an image. If you can't read the image,
Yahoo is happy to assist you. A representative from customer care will need to contact you. To request assistance, please send your request by visiting this URL - http://add.yahoo.com/fast/help/us/groups/cgi_vi"

-And like how are blind people supposed to read that? Lolz!

A friendster bulletin post from a former officemate:

Saturday, 24 June, 2006 11:36 PM
Subject: Soon to lost my "FREEDOM for LOVE sake"
Message: This is to announce to everyone out there who are
my friends that I will soon deprive my self to "right
of freedom" for love sake. I'll be married this
coming August I would like to invite you all to
witness that day!!!

LOLZ! Goodluck friend!!! ;-)

If you played for Brazil what would your name be? Mine is Sunshininhosa! Go figure! ;-p

I give you the gift of loving you exclusively. I tie you to this stern, sweet discipline to let you feel the demands of my love. For I live only as a shadow-woman if my heart can know no outpouring, my selfishness no substandard for your needs, if my countless good impulses and scattered affections have no single gathering-point center where they realize themselves and have meaning. I give you this –the manly task of earning my love again daily, the delight of your eyes when you look at me and see me heeding you. I give you all these things no matter how much -or less- of you you give to me.

Are you ready maybe
Are you willing to run
Are you ready to let yourself drown
Are you holding your breath
Are you ready or not

Are you ready maybe
Do you long to confess
Do you feel that you're already numb
Are you sure of yourself
Would you lie if you're not

You tire me out
Don't wanna let that happen
A secret scream so loud
Why did you let that happen

Ooh ooh so put your arms around me
You let me believe that you are someone else
Ooh ooh cause only time can take you
So let me believe
That I am someone else

Maybe, are you ready to break
Do you think that I push you too far
Would you open yourself
Are you reckless or not

You tire me out
Don't wanna let that happen
A secret scream so loud
Why did you let that happen


--Put your arms around me, Texas

It’s unethical to be jobless

When you’ve finish’d school. Having nuthin’ to do wit tha time [& lack of funds] you’re faced wit. Realizin’ tis –spesh after havin’ lunch’d [yer first meal of tha day] & havin’ bathed [yer attempt @ groomin’ yer very ungroom’d indoor self to prepare fo’ a day of productive possibilities], ya automatically scan tha house fo’ sumthin to nibble on to simulate activity & preoccupation [never mind that your jaws are tha only part of ya that’s busy] and then ya mull in shame if you’re even allow’d to chew wut u’re chewin’, & to consume huge chunks of it too! As much as you’d like to be a bratinella & ask & ask for thangs like in tha golden days, ya kno’ ya cuden simply coz there’s nuthin’ fo’ em to give. And then ya juz go on chillaxin’ like everything’s fine as it really is fo’ now but knowin’ @ tha back of yer mind that it ain’t gonna be.