Falling like a leaf, falling like a star Finding a belief, falling where you are...

Eraserheads concert erased half-way

At 6:30 pm, Yaya called me to tell me that yes, he is now at Meeting Point Ayala MRT station, and that he just remembered he forgot tha tickets because he changed bags. Never tha type of person who gits stressd @ being late or tha realization of gettin' late for sumthin', I firmly told yaya that no, I won't go ahead and meet him at tha Fort Open Field [hell knows tha odds of ever finding someone there which I learn'd from a year of experience working for MTV and having concerts held there], and gamely went back wit him to his dorm. As yaya throws tantrums and trashes about in his seat on tha ride goin' farther away from tha concert venue, I sat serenely next to him telling him stories. As he was too irate and had resorted to alternately bowing his head down on his arms in defeat and looking dejectedly at his newly filch'd baby blue San Miguel Oktoberfest watch every 5 minutes, decided to serenely ignore him and resorted to texting people at my Unlimited Sun Phone, telling everyone on tha network how amusing yaya was acting right @ tha moment.

Being a life form that experiences tha need to eat every two hours, I thought to ask to be drop'd off by tha cab at a Jollibee we pass'd while they go on and git tha damn'd tickets, and then pick me up again as they go back. But tha cab pass'd on quickly so I just told yaya we should go thru a drive-thru after he gets tha tickets. Which he opposed, proposing we quench our hunger after tha concert. Becoz of tis, I sulk'd immensely @him and open'd a bag of crackers I had @ my bag, pointedly refusing to share some wit him while he obsesses about time. At tis point, I was still cool as a cucumber albeit hungry for real food.

At tha Open Field, we arrived in time to hear tha opening to tha first song being perform'd. We dash'd to tha gate but -joy of all joys- tha guard inform'd us that bags such as tha one yaya was carrying was not allowd inside. So we had to walk to tha ticket booth to ask em if they can guard tha damnd bag as we listen'd to tha ending lines of tha first song. Tha people at tha booth refused to guard tha bag and we had to walk a few more miles to tha guards' station to try to convince 'em of tha same thang which yielded tha Same answer. Then yaya did tha best thing he had done all night: he told me he was gonna refund his ticket, and without giving it a second thought, I gave him mine to refund too, and shoved him to tha front of tha line for good measure so he wuden hafta change minds. But he doesn't seem too convinc'd of his decision and was looking at people coming in when out of tha blue, he sprang out of tha line and towards tha direction of tha guards, tellin me he juz saw a guy wit a big bag being allow'd in. As we approach tha guards, one of em ask'd us if we have brought perfumes or pens as this was prohibited inside. When yaya said "Ah. Meron!" then proceed to dig in all pockets of his messy bag to fish out each & every pen he own’d plus to find more bottles for tha guard to confiscate, that's when I lost it. "You don't hafta be so damn honest!" I yell'd at him over and over which prompted tha guard within hearing range to suspect me as a Carrier of Pens and Perfumes, especially when he saw in my bag that I was carrying a notebook.

Guard: "Ma'am, may bolpen kayo?"
Irate Me [shooting i-haven’t-eaten dagger looks at him and refusing to zip my bag open all tha way]: "Wala!"
Guard: "Sigurado kayo? Kase mahihirapan lang kayo lalo, i-che-check rin naman nila yan so malalaman ren kung meron talaga o wala."
Irate Me [shooting even deadlier wither-and-die looks]: "Wala nga eh!" [Rarrr, don't mess wit me when I'm hungry!]

Like tha red river being parted, guards let me pass without confiscating my pens and contents of tha all-important personal effects bag. At tha concert, I led yaya to tha nearest spot to tha stage or @least TV screen I can squeeze us into. During Kaliwete, I broke out into a dance which consisted of holding up my right hand and rotating it back and forth in manner of unscrewing a light bulb during tha first lines "Noong nagsama tayo ay kanan ang ginamit mo. Ngunit biglang natorete…",then switching to my left hand at, "Ikaw pala ay kaliwete". After a while, I feel two people imitating me. I turn’d to look and sure enough, two girls are imitating my Unscrew the Light Bulb dance steps, and embarrassed at being seen caught, told me "Ate, pagaya ng dance step ha!" "Sure!", I told em graciously. Later on, they were dependent on me for steps to every song, asking me "Ate, pano naman ang dance step dito?" each time a new song comes on. And then in mock imitation of Ely Buendia, who seem not to be moving too much but still singing, I suddenly stood rigid and unmoving. "Ganito si Ely.", I told em. "Uy, ganun naman daw!" said Girl 1 to Girl 2 wit a straight face, immediately shaping her body in tha exact rigid form I have taken. "Noo, ginagaya co lan siya!" I told em, waving my hands at em to stop and embarrassed the fanatic kolehiyalas seem to have made me their new idol.
Then it was announced that tha concert was over. That Ely was rush'd to tha hospital and everyone was ask'd to join in prayers for him and his family. After tha prayers, everyone still cheered and gamely went home. I did not. I dunno why they cheered at all. Pride at admitting they've been duped so they act like it's really okay when it's not deep inside? I was not pleased nor was I feeling cheery at having to pay for something and not gettin its full worth. I would have been appeased if Sandwich took over. Would have been appeased if one of tha many bands milling around tha VIP section volunteered to perform instead. Would have been appeased if they refunded half of my money. As it is, I felt cheated and vow NEVER TO GO TO ANY EVENT THA ORGANIZER OF THA CONCERT WILL EVER HAVE IN THA FUTURE. In my disappointment, I entertain'd all evil thoughts. I thought of how tha screen in front of us went off even songs before tha band went offstage for their "break", and I thought "Planned". I thought of how they won't allow perfumes and pens inside and thought "Planned". I thought of how, during tha break, they were playing Relaxing, Sleep-Inducing Spa music to quell any rebellious warfreak moods that are about to slip out, and I thought "Planned". I remember Raimund's sordid, morbid face during tha performance and I thought "Planned". I might be feeling like a child who is prone to shout "No, I want my toy!" But children never lie and I won't lie that I'm disappointed. I feel compassion for tha pale Ely alright but I wanna bop tha heads of tha organizers for not feelin enuf compassion to cancel tha concert and save us tha heartache as early as when they felt things aren't right.

Bois & gels, Relate! I just did. Thank you, Steve Martin! Excerpts from his bestselling book, Shopgirl:

He is on the prowl. He does not know her, he has only seen her. He has responded to something visceral. He only imagines the character that unites her clothes, her skin, and her body. He has imagined the pleasure of touching her. She is a feminine object that tweaks him at his animal best. Romantically, he is an adolescent. If he thinks he would harm her, he would back away. But he does not yet understand when and how people are hurt. His interest in her comes from the part of him that still believes he can have her without obligation. He believes that he can exist with her from eight to eleven and enter a private and personal world that they will create that will cease to exist in the off hours or off days. He believes that the world will be independent of other worlds he might create on another night, in another place, and he has no intention of allowing it to affect his true quest for a mate. He believes that in this affair, what is given back and forth will be exactly even, and that they will both see the benefits they are receiving. But because he picked her by sight alone, he fails to see that her fragility, which he smelled and sensed and is lured by, runs deep in her heart and is part of her nature, and cannot be separated out for him to fuck. He is now taking a remedial course in fucking 101, to learn how to handle the criticisms, inexplicable antics, insults, and misunderstandings that seem to him to be the inevitable conclusion to the syllogism of sex. But he is not aware that he is on such a serious mission. He thinks he is a bachelor having a good time.
***
When he told her he's not ready for a real relationship for the moment but wanted to keep seeing her, she believes he has told her that he is bordering on falling in love with her, and he believes that she understands that he isn't going to be anybody's boyfriend. "I'm traveling too much right now," he says. In this sentence, he serves notice that he would like to come to town, sleep with her, and leave. She believes that he is expressing frustration at having to leave town and that he is trying to cut down on traveling. "So what I’m saying is that we should be allowed to keep our options open, if that's okay with you." At this point, he believes that he has told her that in spite of what could happen tonight, they are still going to see other people. She believes that after he cuts down on his traveling, they will see if they should get married or just go steady. So now they have had the Conversation. What neither of them understands is that these conversations are meaningless. The sayer believes they are heard, and the hearer believes they are never said.
***
She is not sophisticated enough to understand what is happening to her and he is not sophisticated enough to know what he is doing to her. He tells her he is sorry he hurt her. And he is, but inside he doesn't know what he could have done differently. He is determined not to love her; she is not his peer. He knows that he is using her, but he isn't able to stop. And as powerful as their desire for each other remains, their conflicting goals stalemate them, and their relationship has failed to move forward. She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn't be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart. After years, it happens to him. Someone else breaks his heart, and only then does he realize what he has done to her, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both.

Handling a call center account is coming home just in time for your morning bowel movement.

I should be gettin' out of ma comfort zone. Tis is wut ma new shrink told me as I told him I was feelin’ a bit down and insecure 'bout ma'self lately. Like mebbe am not acting fully to wut should have been ma worth. Stop sulking and rebelling! Act and make things happen!, said tha shrink. So gettin' out of ma comfort zone, I am. I started by re-locating work stations @ tha office yet again to ma respective department where I shud've been in tha first place. Used to place self wedg'd @ d corner of tha room in tha IT Department where they alwez try to shoo me away anyways, and try re-locating me near Mon2 tha artist and Yaya, tha photographer. Tha corner of tha room, I've alwez told em, has alwez been conducive to ma writing/thinking process. Now I've re-located again but tis time in ma department so as not to be deem’d a rebel anymore by tha likes of Nykko. Still thinkin' of ways wherein I can be gettin' outta ma comfort zone. For tha three-day weekend, I try coming up wit fun thangs to do to combat boredom. As malling is too much an ordinary thang fo' me to do, almost as regular as breathing, I try thinking of other thangs to do, more in tha manner of Gettin' Out of Ma Comfort Zone League as per Nykko tha shrink. I thought of spontaneously going to faraway out-of-town places like Island Cove or Baguio. But am not too “Out-of-Comfort-Zone” yet as to be jumping up & down to travel by ma lonesome. So I tried asking Ruth tha gal best pal. She had deadlines for her Cheerdance article. Did not consider asking Allan as he had no monetary units. Ask’d Toyz to either go wit me to Island Cove or to schools like UST or U.P. He call'd me weird. Shot back @him that he shud be Gettin’\' Out of His Comfort Zone which had been tha gimik hang-out that is Greenbelt. Went back to bullyin’ Ruth to goin wit me, desperately tellin’ her she had no spontaneity in her bones for livin' life to a T and not goin wit me obediently when I ask her. Told me sumthin 'bout not compromising responsibilities fo’ spontaneity. So appeased ma’self for tha meantime in malling and planning a Get Out of Your Comfort Zone Party for friends. Texted everyone if they're up to it even if haven't have tha slightest idea wut a Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone Party would be like. Got one confirm'd reply sayin' she’' in long as it’s “good, nice, clean fun”. Now am tryin’ to think of tha components of a good, rockin’ Get Out of Your Comfort Zone Party. If you have some ideas, holler.

A month and a half is over.

“It's him.” I say to myself and to everyone who has ears, excited and full of hope. I have met tha man who weakens me. Tha heart has chosen, reason broken. So special was he, I wanted to steal a kiss on his neck, tha nearest part of him, as he slept next to me on tha way home in tha jeep after our first kiss. So special was he, I resist impulses to hug him in public when we meet. So special, I try to give him good dreams and keep him safe every night by sheer force of affection towards him. So special was he that I speak to my Creator about him.

Me: Is this true? Are you really giving him to me?
God: …
Me: Isn't this wut you wanted? Isn’t it good that am feelin' this? And that I want to love him more than myself and I wanna put all tha greatness other people have said bout me and all tha good features You have infused in Your creation of me into a Crack at Loving him.
God: But he is not yours.
Me: …
God: You do know I gave him temporarily, didn't you? That I was prone to take him back from you eventually, as most things in this world are not permanent.
Me: I know. But give me, like, a month and a half.

Dating wisdom quotables from Carol Wolper:

1. Any guy who doesn’t call the next day is a skank.
2. Let your mantra be “next”.
3. Mr. Never’s idea of a commitment is a three-day weekend.
4. If dating applies some agreed upon pattern… an assumption of consistency, then no, I ‘m not dating.
5. The only faithfulness people have is toward emotions they are trying to re-create.

“I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.”

I give you back your heart. I give you permission. She is the sum of yourself and your dreams. Approach her like a monument, step after step. She is solid. She is your have to have. As for me, I am watercolor. I wash off. --Anne Sexton

One little tip for tha regular Internet dependent guy: Never ever make pa-cute, sad puppy dog declarations of unrequitted love to tha gurl you're still pining for on ym/friendster/facebook/what-have-you current means of staying in touch through public postings like shoutouts/status msgs/bulletin posts/blogs if you plan to keep on dating/sleep wit another gurl who's on tha same networking site list. Tha meantime gurl will catch on to it, leave you, and it will cause a temporary rift between you and wutz-between-your-legs. Blue balls are sad things to have.

When I was hanging out wit you, I was going through a bad time. Very insecure, very needy. It worked out for you. But now, I feel better. Closer to tha top of my game. Trust me, you don't wanna hang out wit tha new me. Don't call me 'til I'm weak and insecure again.

When we were together I was blown awayJust like paper from a fanBut you would act like I was just a kidLike we were never gonna lastNow Ive got someone who cares for meHe wrote my name in silver sandsI think you know youve lost the love of your life(and you said) I was the best youve ever hadBecause Im in demandYoure thinking of the way you shoulda held my handAnd all the times you said you didnt understandYou never had our love written in your plansBut now Im in demandDont ever think you saw the best in meTheres a side youll never knowCos love and loving are too different thingsSet your sites far too lowNow Ive got someone who cares for meHe wrote my name in silver sandsI think you know youve lost the love of your life(and you said) I was the best youve ever hadBecause Im in demandYoure thinking of the way you shoulda held my handAnd all the times you said you didnt understandYou never had our love written in your plansBut now Im in demandYoure thinking of the way you shoulda held my handAnd all the times you said you didnt understandYou never had our love written in your plansBut now Im in demandIts only when I fall asleepI see that winning smileWhen my dreams just move alongYouve lost the race by milesYeah yeah yeah yeah yeahYeah yeah yeah yeah yeahYeah yeah yeah yeah yeah(never had our love written in your plans)Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeahBecause Im in demandYoure thinking of the way you shoulda held my handAnd all the times you said you didnt understandYou never had our love written in your plansBut now Im in demandYou know Im in demandYou see Im in demandYou know Im in demandYou know Im in demandYou never had our love written in your plansYou know Im in demandYou see Im in demandYou need me in demandYou want me in demand

Lazy people doomed to bachelorhood/spinsterhood
Why being dynamic can even be more important than being faithful in a relationship

It has juz dawn'd on me that tha passive, lazy, people of tis earth has no chance of winning in love as compared to their more go-getting, dynamic rivals. Just take a look at scenarios of couples that've been together for years and years. One of em will usually git bored of tha other and think that tha other has lost his lovin' feelin' and has begun to take her for granted. Along will come Mr. Third Party who's fresh, lovin', and brimming wit new ideas on how to express his desire for Unattainable Ms. Long Relationship. If Ms. Long Relationship ain't strong enuf, taken in by tha fresh energy & courtship, she'll most likely be fool'd into thinking that Mr. Third Party is really whom she deserves more, regardless of her cluelessness on Mr. Third Party's track record of broken hearts or unfaithfulness or infidelity. Next thing we know, Mr. Passive Long Relationship is left hangin' in tha cold as Mr. Third Party takes his girl away, clueless of wut had juz happen'd, and still continuing in his pure, sincere, faithful love for his already taken away gurl, albeit passively.

You have dug something deep within me and it's getting deeper and deeper, making the space for others smaller as it grows... even if you're not really mine and not really here wit me. I'm helpless as I watch this space you're creating grow, making it hollower by tha second, and could only pray that God give me the strength I need when tha time comes that you'll leave me wit all tha empty hollow space which you haven't really cared enought to fill.

I used to pride myself for waking up right on alarm and never ever snoozing my cellphone to spend a few more minutes in bed, like most people do. When my ex and I broke up, I started acting like everyone else and had begun acquiring tha habit of snoozing my alarm even up to 4 times, thus waking up juz around lunch time and being late for work. Two weeks ago, for tha first time in my life since we broke up, I started waking right on tha dot again… up and about at 6:20 AM and even having time to do a few sit-ups. Now, it seems I’m back to snoozing, sleeping in, and walking wit my soul trailing behind…
***
When someone gives you anything like a gift, his heart, or tha like, don’t immediately latch on to it and own it. Try to feel first if he’s not kidding and if he really meant for you to have it. Relax your grip and don’t cling on like a barnacle to the object you were given because you’ll never know when he’ll take it back. And when he does, nothing can be more frustrating and hurting than when you’ve already treated tha gift as a permanent treasure that’s your own.

time for a re-post!

Wut is a PETER PAN SYNDROME? PPS or Peter Pans, according to Dan Diley are men who have NEVER GROWN UP or REFUSE TO GROW UP. Dan said that those wit PPS are men who: -> are more keen on bein’ friendly to mere acquaintances than in showin’ love & concern fo’ tha family -> use “I don’t know” and “I don’t care” as their defense mechanisms. -> have social incapacity & emotional paralysis. -> sadness manifested as forc’d gaiety, childish pranks, or nervous laughter. -> impotent to deal wit an assertive female on equal footing & so dates women who are younger or whose actions suggest immaturity. -> say they love ya but can’t seem to remember how to express love. -> narcissism locks em inside themselves. -> get hostile when ya reflect on his defensiveness. -> successful in resistin’ help. -> rarely finish college in tha usual allotted time/believes they’re employ’d in tha wrong capacity but fails to do anything bout it but complain. -> often stingy ‘cept when it comes to their own indulgences. -> appear to have unexplain’d fears& lack self-confidence but refuse to talk bout it. -> accuses ya of getting too emotional while they appear to be above it all, sittin’ like a stone when you are angry. -> easily offended by jobs they see as beneath em. get into employment difficulty ‘coz of severe procrastination or become workaholics in an attempt to prove their worth. -> work hard to have fun @ parties & tend to push themselves beyond reasonable limits in participative sports. -> find it impossible to say they’re sorry & find it extremely difficult to express their feelings. -> operate wit prejudicial premises you’ll never understand thus you cannot successfully argue a point wit em. -> expresses concern ‘bout yer probs only after you’ve complain’d bout his indiff’rence. -> have lost touch wit their emotions & simply dunno wut they feel.

Sorry we did not reach our dreams

Twin boys Dylan & Ulrich. A baby girl called Mischka. A copper-themed wedding. The mac&cheese meals I'll cook for him. Tha hundreds of mango pana cotta desserts I could create for him. Eternity wit him. I'm sorry we could no longer make it possible. Bad circumstances got in tha way...

What will you do if you see your ex in public?

I'll hug him because he used to be a big, if not the biggest part of my life. He will always be someone important and shall my friends or family try to trash him or badmuth him, i'll simply say: "He's a man I used to love. In place of that love, I'd like to give him the respect that is due to him so please please respect him not for wut he is today or wut he has done to me but see him singularly for the man he used to be when he was at the peak of his love for me. Just tha way I hope he and his friends and family will treat me today.

For tha pangs of pain, for tha difficult transition from getting so used to being half a couple back to living everyday life alone, for getting drunk on sleeping, for walking slowly wit ma soul trailing behind, for helpless things and places that remind, for all these things and more… it is with difficulty that I obstruct myself from running into your arms. But I know there’s no relaxation of the rules nor special consideration. So I pray for that moment when I’ll be able to finally let go.