It was the day you came to pick me up at my office to bring me home like you always do. You always come to pick me very early because I loathe waiting but when you arrive, I always make you wait -sometimes even for hours. It was that day when I picked another fight with you due to my blown-up ego and pettiness, I'm sure.
You were sitting defeatedly on the floor in the hallway outside my office while I was standing up determined not to let you win the argument when I noticed that you were silent and that your thick, beautiful lashes were wet with tears. It was then that I came to the realization that I don't deserve you at all. I will remember this day when you wore red and I made you cry. I always pick fights with this man who adores me and it shouldn't have to be this way.
I vowed to never make you cry again. I know that although being with you will ultimately benefit me, it will hurt you because you were prepared to do anything for me -to give up your religion just to please my mother and to do what it takes to please me.
A few days ago I celebrated your birthday by eating palabok alone at Jollibee. Noodles for long life and your continuous happiness. You will always be my sacred and my beautiful. Thank you.
A few months ago, I was depressed and suicidal. I had been jobless for some time and the pressure of having to pay for bills that have been piling up day by day without getting any help and support from anyone else combined with the stress, pressure, nagging and bullying from the people around me was getting to be too much for me that I wanted to throw the towel in.
It seemed to me that I have no right to live my life and that I have been born just to be an extension of another person's life.
Nothing belonged to me at all... things I buy that become my earthly attachments and favorites will disappear with no logical reason and I am not allowed to ask why. I will go crazy cause I will have no way of knowing if they were given to someone at church who were scavenging for my things behind my back and without direct permission from me or to relatives in the province.
I am not allowed privacy in my own room. Everything I post, do or buy needs to be explained. I was trying to save knowing I will be out of a job soon and knowing that no one else will put bread on the table, but everything I have starved myself for and saved for is being asked from me to be given for what? To rent a vehicle to cart off potential members for the church in one day. I am shamed and made to feel bad if I empty what's left of my savings paying bills for the dog because how come I don't shell out as much money to pay for skin care services of some person?
All I get is pressure, pressure, and more pressure resulting from someone's pity and empathy to other people but it has always been empathy and concern for other people with no consideration at all for my feelings. It seems everyone else is "less fortunate" and more deserving of pity and understanding than me, which should be fine by me, but what's not fine is that this empathy for others is on my own expense that I have to lose more, have less, have my favorite things disappear and given to someone else so I will work again and penny pinch and starve myself and torture myself and not be allowed to buy things I want for myself and surprise! It's a never ending cycle and I have to give way so that all my resources will be given once again to other people/ people I don't care for/ people I begin to loathe because they take so much from me without them meaning to!
And in the end what do I get? I get to be called selfish, the devil, and get disowned for having an opinion. Who am I to complain anyway? I am not entitled to even my own feelings. I was born in this world to be a slave after all. I never asked to be born but now I am paying for someone's guilt of bringing me into the world and it seems that their guilt of leaving their parents is endless and now I am burdened to pay this endless guilt and I'm not even allowed to have my own family because someone left their family for me and I am doomed to die alone probably next to strangers in a cemetery if I am lucky enough not to be thrown in a river because of this endless guilt of someone else I am forever paying off.
And it is with this big amount of stress that I decided I just wanted to die. As I haven't tried anything to hurt myself the slightest bit (at least physically) in the past, I was limited to just wishing death for myself by praying that a vehicle would run over me as I crossed the street. I thought this would be the easiest thing as I never learned how to cross the street properly anyway, and crossing streets at a road where vehicles intersect from 4 different directions (such as the one I always pass by everyday) is the perfect place to die in. I wished for lightning to strike me. I wished for someone to shoot me or plunge a knife in me enough to kill me. I also contemplated jumping into the river I passed by but the thought of seedy men finding me and touching my body to fish me out of the muddy waters plus the muddy waters on its own did not appeal too much to me.
Somehow, I got over the death wishes but not to assure that I won't go back to having dark thoughts as having negative thoughts is second nature to me. Anyway, I'd like to share what has been temporarily distracting me from the dark side, and this is the "Limitless" session I had been asked to envision when I sat in with a Hypnosis group I met last year.
The speaker at the session had told us that whenever he wants to have a good day ahead of him or whenever he wants to feel happy, all he has to do is to close his eyes and imagine in detail a scenario that he thinks will make him ultimately happy. He instructed us that we have to really envision this happy scene in our mind, from what we're wearing to where we are exactly and the words we will say and the things we will do. In short, he actually asked us to daydream or fantasize and so I did.
As any girl, I have cliched girl fantasies which may or may not be shaped by the society so that time I imagined having my then boyfriend propose marriage to me at a videoke bar after a session because I loved singing and he hasn't humored my request of us singing together despite my pleas to him. The weirdness of my chosen fantasy was not lost to me at all, as I knew how ridiculous it was to dream of getting a proposal from someone I barely spent enough time with to marry. Maybe it was just my frustration to sing being manifested. However, that was what my mind had conjured up at that exact moment with little time to think and after all, it is still every girl's dream (weird girls like me included) to get asked by someone they love to spend the rest of their lives with.
These days, a marriage proposal fantasy is more ridiculous than ever, which is not to say that I haven't tried conjuring up this image just for the heck of it.
I mostly use the "Limitless" session nowadays during bored-out-of-my-mind traffic moments, and these days, I just envision my love for a certain person –not really imagining anything much beyond my feelings for him and how I want to hug him, kiss him on the cheek and watch over him as he sleeps just like an unobtrusive angel would.
Sometimes, though, I do imagine him loving me back for just a bit and it's enough to calm me down.
I know I haven't and I am feeling guilty about it. There used to be a time when I'd motivate myself to blog more by telling myself that I will only be allowed to use the internet (back in the dial-up internet card era) if I blog post something first. Hence, I was blogging every other day or 3x a week in the olden times. But now, apart from blog posts that I just do out of some sense of obligation, I haven't been posting much about myself really. And because of this lack of motivation to post. I find myself trying to understand... Why do I really blog in the first place and why -even if I haven't posted something for months and no one's really bothering me about it- is there a guilty feeling at the back of my head that I need to blog? And if I do post a blog, shall I post about my feelings of love? (Ugh, no! Not cheese again) About people who showed me love recently (Humble brag? Eeep!) About some random funny story that happened to me? (So that will only confirm that I just blog to please a certain audience!) And if it's true that I do blog lately only to appease myself and release my repressed emotions as to not go insane, does this mean I don't want to confront my emotions now?
The heat of the past few weeks will have you wanting to make life sweeter while just chillin' like a villain at the comforts of your home. And for those of you who wants to try an easy-to-make DIY dessert, here is a simple and delicious recipe using Lemon Square's irresistible Inipit cakes!
Inipit Cold Crunch
Ingredients
1 pack of Lemon Square Inipit
1 liter chocolate ice cream
1 pack of all purpose cream chilled from the ref
1 bag of Nips peanut candies
For the chocolate sauce:
1 tbsp sugar
2 1/2 tbsp Ricoa chocolate powder
1/2 cup of hot water
Directions
1. In a cup, mix the sugar, chocolate powder and hot water together until fully dissolved. Set aside.
2. In a dish bowl, unwrap 2-5 packs (depending on how many will eat) of Lemon Square's Inipit cakes.
3. Place 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream.
4. Add a spoon of the chilled all-purpose cream.
5. Pour the chocolate sauce.
6. Finally, add 6 pieces of Nips peanut candies.
Voila! Now you may enjoy the deliciously cold, sweet and crunchy sensation of Inipit Cold Crunch in your mouth this summer! A must-have treat for any kid and kids-at-heart! Sarap maging kid with Inipit! :)
One of the things I am thankful for is when I wake up happy either for no reason at all or from remembering a good dream. Today was one of those days when I remembered a good dream.
In the dream, I was in a park or stadium of some sort, kind of like my college's football stadium and it's not clear why I am there -whether we were about to watch a concert or attending an event- but one thing that's clear was that I was with a guy whose identity is vague to me, and he was doing everything he can to make me comfortable on the grass. I remember having his arms around my waist and him inviting me to get comfortable and lean on him and even doze off in his arms however uncomfortable it may be for him to be burdened with my weight, and I remember that it was nothing lecherous or sexual. In fact, it felt so comfortable and just right, and I wake up being ultimately happy just remembering this still unidentified guy whose arms I felt safe, warm, fuzzy and protected in!
Just downloaded a new app called Skype Qik -a fun new app that has allowed me and my friends to get kicks out of each others' videos by making it easier for us to share and upload our videos through group chat.Try it yourself! It's free to download! :)
Last Sunday, I set out on an adventure with nature and went to the Ninoy Aquino Parks and Wildlife. Not having any forms of exercise for almost a year now, and being a lover of trees, I decided to volunteer myself and accept the challenge of playing an app-based adventure with other bloggers at the park located at Q.C.
Arriving at the place was a challenge in itself as I just had a general idea of where the place might be but as I was running late, I had no chance to check it thoroughly on the net. I ended up getting off the jeep at Q.C. Circle and walking for miles under the glare of the early afternoon sun till I reached the park.
The park charged an affordable rate of P8 per head for adults and P5 for children.For the game itself, we downloaded the Cyburban app on our phones and were faced with numerous challenges to complete. As I arrived late, I was slow to digest the mechanics of the game. Good thing I sat next to PromdiBoyAdventures, who not only arrived early but also good-naturedly and patiently helped me set up my phone for the game. It was then that I decided to make it my game plan not to lose sight of him as he seemed quick and smart, and I figured that I will fare well in the game if I just imitated everything he will do.
The first set of challenges involved working out with the Halcyon gym team. I did well in the sit-ups, jumping jacks and squats and I was especially proud of myself for doing the squats quickly and without a peep as the girl next to me winced in agony at each squat and complained melodramatically that it was so hard to do. She must have never commuted in her life, as I felt that the stairs in the overpasses and MRT's of my daily commute to work has buffed me up for the challenge that was doing numerous squats under a time limit.
However, there was this one challenge where after briefly touching my toes at start and end points, I was required to run quickly for 4 rounds. I would have been fine with that but I was a bit miffed by the lanky curly-haired AmBoy coach for that challenge because instead of telling me right off the bat that I did not start on time and that I better just stop and wait for my turn, he just let me complete the run alongside PromdiBoy and then -whilst my tongue was still hanging out from fatigue- announced that I shall repeat the challenge as I did not start running the precise second he said "go". To top it off, he did not even let me catch my breath and I have to double the challenge I just did! Oh well! Charge it to experience to take my time so I don't have to repeat anything again!
Other challenges include picking up trash such as leaves and filling up a bag with them to help the environment, walking in three's or four's on a banner that needs to roll as you and your team mates move forward, taking a selfie with one of the animals, meeting other bloggers, playing siato and eating exotic food. I got a bit excited when I noted that the coach manning the siato challenge was taking note of the scores. Siato involved hitting a short stick with a long one, and as my short siato stick landed far far away from where I hit it, I was pretty sure that I can be a contender for that if ever they give out individual awards for each challenge. It brought me back to a time when I won the "longest flight" category for a paper airplane contest we had for Aerospace Cadet of the Philippines in high school. I was sad that I did not get to try the exotic food which featured frogs and baluts. It was the time that I got lost in the park and when PromdiBoy found me, they had already cleaned up the booth serving the frogs and baluts. :(
At the end of the day, my new found friend PromdiBoy ended up bagging the first place for scoring the most points in the Cyburban game with 700+ points. I only had 500+ points. We celebrated PromdiBoy's win with bright purple and yellow dirty ice cream from a vendor whose ice cream cart reads "Makajos". :)
But somehow you knew, didn't you?
In the way my doubt and irritation at your daily chitchats turned into feelings of giddiness at your morning messages and late night calls.
In the way the hint of a smile escaped my lips when you tried to make me admit that you already have my heart.
In how I regretted not holding you close in my arms and soothing you when we were up near the clouds in the ferris wheel and it turned out you had fear of heights and you held dearly for life to the beams on both sides of you whilst imagining Final Fantasy deaths.
In the way I jumped by way of greeting, wrapped both arms and legs around you and clung like a stubborn barnacle you had no choice but to carry me with you like a conjoined twin as you fetched something you needed from the other room.
In the way I traveled for hours and stood on the bus the first chance I got to be with you.
In the way I watched you while you slept and kissed you lightly when I woke up and you're still asleep.
In the way I never admitted my feelings for you because I never wanted to hold you down and wanted you to always be free.
In the way I think of you first thing in the morning and last thing before I sleep.
In how I always try to ask you how your day was and how proud I always will be of you for your small achievements and how I wanted to cheer you up when you are lonely.
In the way I sing lullabyes for you before I sleep.
In the way I think that your laugh is the best sound in the world.
In the way my heart always breaks whenever I miss you but I don't seek you nor ask for your time because I want you to be free to do as you please.
In the way I considered learning how to do certain household chores I haven't even tried doing simply because you asked if I can do it for you should we live together.
In how I wanted to tell you that flawed as I may be, I am ready to love you endlessly and I will never cheat on you or look at any other man like what your ex had done.
In the way I will never ask you to commit to me or marry me because I am happy just to have my hand held by you and be with you as we drive around town or stroll the malls.
In the way I wanted to give you everything in life that could make you happy - if only I could.
These are my "i love you's" never said but spelled out for you.
In dreams or reality, I continue to care for you.
Without a doubt, you stole my heart even if loving again is the scariest thing to do.
So. I just turned 33 recently. Having reached this age, here are some random thoughts/accomplishments/sentiments I have:
My immense love for myself
It may not be apparent but I love myself immensely. I don't mind being single because I have to be in control all the time. I don't take commands and suggestions from other people too well -especially if it goes against my plans. How it goes is a partner should try to please me. If I'm mildly pleased, he is allowed to make subtle suggestions on how I must live my life. If he's lucky, I will begin doing things for him and including him in my plans. If a partner fails to satisfy me in any way, I don't settle. There are no second chances. Not getting it right the first time means goodbye.
Improvement of self-discipline
I have found out that one of the things that improve with age with me is my self-discipline. In the past, I had a hard time concentrating on some of the tasks that I need to work on. However, I have learned that it's easier to just delay my gratification and attack pending tasks to free myself later on to do as I please. It's really very simple. When I motivate myself with a reward at the end of each task, it makes everything faster and easier to do.
Hypnosis, meditation and healing
My mantra for 2015 is to be rid of as much negativity as possible... this includes mental, emotional and physical sickness, ill thoughts, bad dreams and so forth. To embark on this path, I have already started reading up on self-help books late last year. I also had my chakras balanced through an aura soma session and reiki healing session from a psychic/reiki healer I stumbled upon in one of my new age groups I recently joined. She was the one who told me that I was a psychic myself.
Anyway, whenever I'm starting to feel stressed, what I do is turn the situation around immediately by stopping myself from thinking about the negative and starting to think about the positive.
For instance, there was a night when it was raining very hard, I was carrying heavy bags of groceries alone, the bus I was riding missed my stop by miles and I have to climb the overpass which was flooded up to the knees. I was sopping wet and hated to imagine what was swimming in the dirty overpass I had to walk through. Just as I started to get mad at the situation, I stopped myself mid-thought and decided to change how I view things.
I suddenly told myself: "Look! It's raining! Nice cold weather such as what you've always wished for when you were a child waiting for the rain to fall by the windows. Aren't you glad to be going home in a cool weather instead of the usual hot and humid climate that can be stressful on the nerves? And when was the last time you got to bathe in the rain? It's a blessing really to be able to walk home in such cool, relaxing climate!" I calmed down considerably after this and walked home in a better mood.
Apart from this, I also started studying hypnosis and pranic healing, and I have used the method on myself, on my family and even on pets when not feeling well. I have rid myself of migraine, my mom of a stomach ache, my cat of flu and my dad of bad dreams and talking in his sleep.
Less is more
When you start to age, you stop being fascinated so much by material things and hedonistic pleasures. Last year I have lost a considerable amount of weight just because I don't feel my old need to gorge on so much sweets and junk food any more. Besides I have learned from research that too much sweets/salty food can be bad for my body and cause me sickness as well as bad skin, odors and so forth. Apart from weight loss, I have also stopped purchasing clothes, shoes, bags and accessories. What's the point anyway when my parents will just throw them away or give them to charity at church? I will just be wasting my money. My main concern now is to save up for emergency expenses and sure things in life such as emergency sicknesses or accidents and funeral costs for me and my parents. After all, I may not marry in this life but I am sure that I will die, along with my parents.
Travelling alone
This is on my bucket list -if I ever have one. First suggested to me by my best friend who I suspect just don't want to come with me when asking her to travel with me, she said that travelling alone can really change the perspective of an individual, just look at one of our female classmates, she said. Because I have limited funds, a bit scared, and an ex told me that it's a bad idea and I'm better off travelling in pairs, I am still gathering courage/funds to accomplish this goal, especially since this was the exact thing that my brother-in-law did and the next thing we know, we found his lifeless body on a faraway island for us to claim and identify.
House repair
It has been my life long dream to have our house repaired and renovated into a beautiful mansion, MTV Cribs-style! When I was still a little girl, I always beg my dad to have a swimming pool installed in our garden. However, I cannot achieve this dream without my other wish, leading us to...
Stable job
Being a writer/editor is really not what you may call a stable and secure job. Had I known that I will be the breadwinner for the family, then I would have preferred it very much if my parents had sat me down before college and told me: "Listen, you are free to choose whatever course you damn well please but know that you have to support us sooner or later so if I were you, choose a practical, reasonable course that will earn us lots of money and give you leeway funds to do the things you wanted to do." As it is, I am constantly looking for a stable source of income. I'm not sure I can tolerate studying again and what course I might take because I believe in facing the reality of job-seeking early on instead of just prolonging the agony by studying and then later on getting disappointed just the same (which is more painful because it cost you unnecessary expenses to boot!) So, yeah. I hope I can get a stable job in a stable company so less worries and more time to enjoy myself. Also, a stable job can propel me to save funds which I can ultimately use later on to build a side business for myself and also to repair our house and make everyone -elementals included- happy.
Before I ever had anyone in my life, I was happy spending my weekends window shopping and shopping at tiangges, ukay ukays, and mall sales, buying clothes, shoes, earrings, rings and bangles. Even just walking around the mall alone non-stop till it closes had kept me happy before I go home and rest. At home, I usually read books or surf the net. I was never lonely.
Because the idea of romantic love is idealized, highly promoted and revered by all, soon I found myself succumbing to the pressure and getting into a relationship just because it's what the society expected and at the same time thinking that it's what I want and I'll be happier as what the movies had shown.
And so, I humoured a suitor by accepting his love and saying yes. Probably, part of what made me accept guys who are sincere, consistent and persistent in their efforts to win my heart is because I'm an empath. I believe that hard work should be rewarded, and if I see that someone has sufficiently worked hard to win me, then I think it's only fair to reward them with my heart, even if I'm not sure it's what I wanted.
However, I constantly picked fights and insisted on my way all the time. I became irritable and I decided to break up. After this, a new suitor would come, and I would humour his affections again, and the cycle would just repeat itself.
Little did I know that by saying yes and accepting those who would express interest in me, I was already slowly being pulled toward a nonstop pattern of co-dependency that has made me stray a bit from what I truly want in life. Every waking day was spent instead on making my relationship with the boy I have allowed in my life work. I have another person's needs to consider and I can't just run off to do my own thing anymore, I have to align my schedule and compromise to go where he wanted me to go. Or else I ignore my inner child's voice to do the hobbies I usually enjoy in favor of spending more time with this important person I'm building my life around with -even if it means I'll just be watching him play his games on his computer or observing him watch his favorite TV show or looking on as he browses Facebook with a hungry-for-love look on my face, waiting for him to throw scraps of attention my way.
Looking around at my friends and most people I know, I can say that they have it even worse than me. Coupled up people have gotten used to doing things with someone in tow. That's why it doesn't surprise me when a coupled up friend asks me to take her 5-minute yosi break with her, or when another one asks for company in something as simple as getting a haircut or going to 7-Eleven. I -a girl of strength and independence- am willing to accept and understand this weakness in them enough to agree to their request of temporary companionship even if they leave me alone and coming home the moment their boyfriends arrive to pick them up, never mind that my own safety and security is at risk because they made me come home late waiting for their men to arrive.
Developing co-dependency on the opposite sex is not all in vain, as it has also brought positive outcomes in my quest to make things work, causing me to mend my ways and become less selfish - learning to say sorry and getting better at the art of compromise with each relationship so I can save it and keep the peace (and my partner).
However, I am more proud of myself for the control and for not jumping into another relationship just because I'm lonely or it's cuffing season and I feel the urge to be co-dependent on someone.
Maybe I will say yes again to someone who is consistent, persistent, sincere, dedicated, selfless and most of all interested in being my friend first before anything else. But until then, I will be in my passive/dormant -in-love mode. I will not look for love. Neither will I say yes again until I'm absolutely sure. Nor shall I ask anyone to take my love.
Simply put, I will enjoy my strength and independence (growing by the day), celebrate my individuality, trust my choices and set my goals for a wiser, healthier, happier and more spiritually fulfilling 2k15!
Lately, I have decided to explore my interest in the occult/new age resulting in extensive reading on the internet. A couple of weeks ago, I had stumbled upon the blog of one of a fellow new age group member, and as I felt a connection to her through her posts, I've decided to contact her and offer my friendship.
As we chatted, she told me that I was a psychic myself, and when asked how she knew this, she said that psychics can feel each other. I was pleased by her confirmation because I have always thought myself to be a psychic of some sort but sometimes I also think that I'm just being delusional or inflicted with ideas of reference. For the first time, an expert on the subject has confirmed what I've always felt!
Learning more about psychics and empaths, I found that empaths are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others which is why people find it easy to talk to them about their problems. It also said that empaths absorb negative energies of those around them and they tend to put others' feelings before their own. However, my psychic friend also said that it's not a good idea to get psychics and empaths mad at you, and it entered my mind that maybe it's because an empath's special gift can allow them not just to heal other people but to sort of curse/cast a spell on those who had done them wrong, as well.
In conclusion, if what the psychic said is true and I am indeed a psychic/empath myself, then people should be careful to always stay in my good graces, lest I may accidentally cast a spell on them in a moment of anger. Loljoke!
I guess you can say that I have always been clingy. Before internet was invented, I used to yap on the phone for hours with friends, calling one friend after another just to have some form of company, to exchange theories and jokes, gossip about others and ask how they were (which sometimes mislead guy friends into thinking that I have feelings for them when in fact I just don't want to be left alone with my restless mind).
During the era of cellphones, I would register for unlimited texting service to my provider whenever I feel lonely and bombard most -if not all- of my friends with text messages to somehow soothe my nerves.
Soon after the internet became a household essential, it quickly became my next mode of communication to talk to friends. Somehow I always feel the urge to talk to friends -an outlet to my hyperactive mind that doesn't seem to want to rest. It doesn't help that the first guy I entered a relationship with was clingy himself (calling and texting me every single minute of the day) and when I mirrored his actions, he happily encouraged it. As a result, I have demanded my boyfriends in the past to call me everyday and every night and when that doesn't seem feasible to an ex, I agreed to calls placed at least every other day.
Last year though, I met a very antipatiko man who doesn't tolerate clinginess and who won't communicate with me 24/7 even if I ask him to. During weekdays, any attempt I have to communicate with him will be met with lukewarm, one-word and/or no replies. What we'd do was just see each other at the end of the week. At first, it seemed hard, but it has gotten so that even I don't lift my fingers any more to text him, call him or chat to him. Afterwards, a whole week can pass by with neither one of us hearing a peep from each other, and I have gotten used to it. I guess you could say that the experience taught me to keep to myself. Because now, I don't feel the need to talk to anyone any more. I don't make attempts to get me noticed, to voice what's running through my head and I don't mind if friends don't try to reach out to me, too. I have found ways to keep myself busy and that's why I've been pretty quiet, too. I have found a new interest/hobby that allows me to just be quietly preoccupied without feeling the need to talk or write.
I have come to accept and embrace silence and it doesn't bother me any more.
SM has always played a huge part in my Christmas -whether it be Christmas of the past back when I was a small little girl like Kendra, or Christmas in the present where I always run to SM for Christmas gifts. That is why I've decided to dedicate a post in answering "What does MerrySMChristmas mean to me?"
1. Being a generous Tita.
- MerrySMChristmas means taking the time to be a good tita to my nephews and nieces, godsons and goddaughters. This includes taking my niece, Basha to the mall to have her photo op with the wonderful Christmas display SM has. I also take her shopping for her favorite toys at Toy Kingdom. The trips to SM always puts a smile on her face and seeing her happy is enough to melt any grouchy auntie's heart.
2. Hearing my favorite Christmas jingles on the mall's speakers.
- MerrySMChristmas will not be complete without getting in the mood for the holiday season. Before Christmas rolls around the corner, I can always trust SM to play well loved Christmas jingles on their speakers to get me psyched up for the holiday season as I grocery shop for my daily needs such as meat, rice, noodles, toiletries and other essentials! Among my favorite Christmas songs include classical hits like God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, All I Want for Christmas Is You, Christmas In Our Hearts and the Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire song.
3. Having a festive Sunday family lunch.
-MerrySMChristmas is a chance to enjoy a meal with my family without having to worry about preparing and cooking the food. Hence, come December, we head on to SM to eat lunch every Sunday after church before we go and shop for gifts. What makes December Sunday lunches special is how we get to enjoy festive Christmas specials ranging from tasty pasta dishes to succulent roasted pigs and chicken to holiday frappuccino, cookies and cakes.
4. Reuniting with my friends for a shopping spree then dinner.
-MerrySMChristmas is about maintaining strong bonds with the people we love. That's why every year, me and my friends get together to catch up on each other's lives by shopping for Christmas gifts for our family together as well as eating dinner. What better time to buy each other vodka shots, exchange gifts and take the gazillions of pictures with everyone present and at their best attire and moods?
5. Christmas shopping made extra special with extended hours and discounts.
- MerrySMChristmas is a chance to enjoy shopping more for me and my loved ones through the season's discounts and extended hours SM gives me. Now, there is more time to shop and I have more money to spend too! Win-win!
6. Doing my share for charity.
-MerrySMChristmas means experiencing the joy of giving. That's why this year, I decided to participate in SM Cares' Bears of Joy.
With SM Cares' Bears of Joy, you can have two bears for only P200 -one to keep and the other to give to charity. Of course, you can also just choose to give both bears to charity (which is what I did.) Just like me, I hope that you will find that exhibiting genuine concern to the less fortunate and doing something to make their lives somewhat better gives you a priceless feeling. To know more about this selfless program by SM and how you can participate, you may visit this link.
And to rev you up further for the coming holidays, here's something for you... watch what SM has in store for you and enjoy! Merry Christmas to all and may you all feel the true spirit of the season through being considerate, warm and loving to your fellow beings! Cheers!
Had the chance to watch the Mockingjay Part I yesterday thanks to my screening sponsor, Cadbury Philippines. As I came directly from work, we walked in just as the lights have dimmed and the movie is starting. Anyway, my comments:
1. Dragging - The movie was off to a slow start (read: all talk), and as I haven't eaten dinner yet, it was just as well, for I busied myself with the task of eating Wendys' 2-piece Salisbury steak in the dark (which my friend had considerably bought for me) while the cast of characters droned on. But after ample time has passed, the cast were still just talking among themselves, and I started getting impatient. I mean, I know it's nice that it's intellectual and sticking close to the book by inserting as many dialogues and all -but- I'm still an averaged Short-Attention-Spanned moviegoer and I prefer action please over words, thank you very much!
But when you think about it, how else can they stretch the Mockingjay book into 2-part movies and make twice the money if they aren't gonna insert lots of down time talking as "fillers" for the movie? The action only started on the second hour of the movie. So yes, you may sleep on the first half of the movie and set your phone to vibrate an hour later when things start to get interesting.
2. Jennifer Lawrence can act - Throughout the film, I have noticed one fact: Jennifer Lawrence's acting has only improved over time. Whenever she is anguished, suddenly I also feel tears spilling over my own eyes. I can't help but compare her to Twilight's Kristen Stewart and it makes me more appreciative of Jennifer's ability to act.
3. Look-alikes - The world has grown so big and populated that nowadays, everyone has at least one celebrity look-alike. Proof of this is how I always find semblances between people when watching movies or meeting someone new. Here are my look-alikes for Mockingjay Part I:
President Coin/Madonna
Boggs/Michael Jordan
Cressida/Girl w/ Dragon Tattoo
Luke Mejares/Beetee
President Snow's cream trench coat/Tablecloth
The movie is not that bad, when it comes down to it from the perspective of someone who has read all three books by Suzanne Collins. However, I'm not sure if those who haven't read the book will have as much tolerance for it, as my friend who haven't read the book seemed lost on what was happening, and asked me to explain some parts of the movie.
Thursday, November 20
"Wake up. You're gonna be late. I love you," he said, as I suddenly opened my eyes to find myself alone in my bed, my dream/fantasy slipping away from me. "I love you too," I mouthed back to the air.
My love is humbled down now. It does not demand to be loved back. It is not proud, and will not be used as a phrase spoken over and over again in a louder tone and gritted teeth to bully my love into saying "iloveyou" back to me when he is mad at me. It is now gentle, unassuming, spoken mildly into the air, to be never caught or returned by anyone again. It is meant to be lost in the world, unobtrusive to anyone, wasted as it may go. It is simply be.
There is a certain kind of meekness associated with having feelings of love for someone you're not committed to. The lack of security makes you sick with love and longing and enables you to give the loved one a type of reverence that creates delusions and encourages masochism tendencies. You envision yourself making all sorts of sacrifices for them, being enslaved by them, kissing them even when they're mean and insufferable to you, coming up behind them to give them out-of-the-blue hugs when they're busy playing games and don't wanna be bothered, saving your favorite food for them, and so forth -if only they will love you back. It's as if somehow you know how futile it is to be loved back, and the more that you know this, the more you keep thinking of gestures of grand, noble and sometimes exaggerated proportions -which in your delusional mind you can do- just so you will have that wonderful feeling of being loved back again. It's so hard to cope up with unrequited love, you think.
And then you wake up next day, and you're fine, and you conquer the world again without batting an eyelash.
I was browsing my Facebook newsfeed when I came across the mysterious case of Elisa Lam, a truly spine-tingling, eerie, true-to-life story.
In late February, 2003, the body of a 21-year old Chinese was found decomposing in a water tank in the rooftop of a hotel in Los Angeles. Along with her naked body, her clothes and watch was found in the tank with her.
The Canadian student tourist from the University of British Columbia has been missing for three weeks when her body was discovered in the tank in Cecil Hotel. According to reports, guests have complained about a "funny taste" in the water as well as trickling of "water that starts out as black" before gradually turning back to its natural color. When a maintenance worker came to check on the tank, it was then that Elisa's dead body was found. What's weird about the case is how Elisa could possibly had access to a high security area that is said to be protected by alarms. It was said that Elisa had stayed at the hotel for five days before she started to disappear. It was also reported that she was on her way to Santa Cruz, California when she checked in at the hotel.
What makes the case creepy is the CCTV footage of Elisa in the last minutes of her life before she died, as shown below:
Hide and Seek, anyone?
Elisa looking nervous
In the CCTV footage, although Elisa was clearly alone in the elevator, she made it appear as if someone else was in there with her, as she nervously hides and re-appears behind the elevator's panel, looking at something that is not visible to the human eye. She proceeds to press several buttons on the elevator while the elevator's doors remain open and won't close. She then steps out to study the elevator from the outside and then suddenly starts this very eerie motion of waving around and parting the air with her hands. She continues doing this slow, creepy hand dance movement until she walked away from the elevator and out of sight from the CCTV camera. It was presumed that she went upstairs to the roof top shortly after this, where she met her tragic fate of "drowning by accident".
Because Cecil Hotel had been popular for murders that occurred in 1985 and 1991 (by serial killers Richard Ramirez and Jack Unterweger respectively), and has also been one of the places that was rumoured to be visited by the brutally murdered Elizabeth Short before she was killed in 1947, most are speculating that Elisa may have been lured to her death by supernatural forces or spirits that haunt the hotel that had been known for murders.
However, a genius comment made by a guest on this site is the one that -to me- seemed to make the most sense of all the theories.
According to the guest, Elisa Lam was bipolar and that this was what caused her to hallucinate a lot, which tired her out and also caused her to decide to kill herself after finding out about the water tank on the rooftop. The elevator did not close even after Elisa had entered because she kept on pressing the buttons, which caused the elevator delays in functioning. Further more, the guest theorized that because Elisa continued pushing the button outside the elevator when she goes out of sight from the camera, this further prevented the elevators from closing.
The guest continued that the weird hand gestures Elisa had been doing was actually her way of practicing the swimming motions which she was about to make in the water tank in a few minutes' time. It was theorized that she reached the water tank by going out of the window on the first floor, taking the fire escape ladder towards the roof, and then getting on the stairs towards the second roof. This is what led her to the water tank, which she may have opened partially before jumping in. As the water level in the tank may have been too low, sadly, she may not have been able to climb out of the water as much as she may have wanted too because she cannot go back and reach the top anymore.
Although this may be the most logical explanation to what really happened, questions still can't stop filling my head about what happened:
What was she thinking when she took her life, if this was the case? Was she so depressed that she did it or was she just being delusional and was not aware that she was killing herself? Had she just wanted to go for a "swim"? What was her last thoughts? Did she try to call out for help or changed her mind once she found her whole body submerged in the dark waters? The fact that she was no longer wearing her clothes and watch but her possessions were seen in the tank with her may suggest that she tried to rise up from the water and removed her garments as it weighed her down and kept her from surviving. How long did she suffer before she drowned?
I also found her three blogs which hint at the depression she may have been battling which led her to her demise:
In etherfields, one of her last posts was about "spending 2 days in bed hating herself", and another one is about berating herself for being "too lazy to exercise".
Meanwhile, her other blog was not too bright and cheerful either. It was empty except for a quote from Chuck Palaniuk she used in describing herself, which was "being haunted by the idea of wasting one's life".
Additionally, in a post in her tumblr account, Elisa talked about how she has to take pills for her depression, bipolar disorder and ADHD, and how she hates having to take the 5 pills everyday:
I wonder what will happen when I take these things long term. Will I ever not need them?
I call it the breakfast of champions and I hate that I have to take it everyday. I’m basically taking these pills because I can’t handle life. Life is hard and since I can’t handle hard things, I need pharmaceuticals.
Part of me is still in denial that I’m not sick and this can be solved without pills.
There is no physical manifestation of my “illness.” If I were to stop taking it, the worst thing would be a headache.
Would I become psychotic and want to off myself? I doubt that very much. For other people, yes there’s a huge risk that will happen but I know I wouldn’t do anything rash like actually jump off a bridge. I’m too much of a coward. Instead I’ll just lie in my bed and let the days pass by. That’s my physical manifestation, sleeping for days in bed.
Today, I want to share an inspiring excerpt from the the book I'm reading called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's an uplifting read that enables the mind to rid itself of all doubts and negativity....
We are going to share a beautiful dream together -a dream that you will love to have all of the time. In this dream you are in the middle of a warm sunny day. You hear the birds, the wind, and a little river. You walk toward the river. At the edge of the river is an old man in meditation and you see that out of his head comes a beautiful light of different colors. You try not to bother him, but he notices your presence and opens his eyes. He has the kind of eyes that are full of love and a big smile. You ask him how he is able to radiate all of that beautiful light. You ask him if he can teach you to do what he is doing. He replies that many, many years ago he asked the same question of his teacher.
The old man begins to tell you his story: “My teacher opened his chest and took out his heart, and he took a beautiful flame from his heart. Then he opened my chest, opened my heart, and he put that little flame inside it. He put my heart back in my chest, and as soon as my heart was inside me, I felt intense love, because the flame he put in my heart was his own love.”
“That flame grew in my heart and became a big, big, fire—a fire that doesn’t burn, but purifies everything that it touches. And that fire touched each one of the cells of my body, and the cells of my body loved me back. I became one with my body, but my love grew even more. The fire touched every emotion of my mind, and all of the emotions transformed into a strong and intense love. And I loved myself, completely and unconditionally.”
But the fire kept burning and I had the need to share my love. I decided to put a little piece of my love in every tree, and the trees loved me back, and I became one with the trees, but my love did not stop, it grew more. I put a piece of love in every flower, in the grass, in the earth and they loved me back, and we became one. And my love grew more and more to love every animal in the world. They responded to my love and they loved me back, and we became one. But my love kept growing and growing.
I turned my head to the sky, to the sun, to the stars, and put a little piece of my love in every star, in the moon, in the sun, and they loved me back. And I became one with the moon and the sun and the stars, and my love kept growing and growing. And I put a little piece of my love in every human, and I became one with the whole of humanity. Wherever I go, whomever I meet, I see myself in their eyes, because I am a part of everything, because I love.”
And then the old man opens his own chest, and takes out his heart with that beautiful flame inside, and he puts that flame in your heart. And now that love is growing inside of you. Now you are one with the wind, with the water, with the stars, with all of nature, with all animals and with all humans. You feel the heat and the light emanating from the flame in your heart. Out of your head shines a beautiful light of different colors. You are radiant with the glow of love and you pray:
Thank you Creator of the Universe, for the gift of life you have given me. Thank you for giving me everything that I have ever truly needed. Thank you for the opportunity to experience this beautiful body and this wonderful mind. Thank you for living inside me with all of your love, with your pure and boundless spirit, with your warm and radiant light.
Thank you for using my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share your love wherever I go. I love you just the way you are, and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am. Help me to keep the love and the peace in my heart and to make that love a new way of life, that I may live in love the rest of my life.
Me and my pals, Grace and Gen are always up for an adventure. As such, we like to imagine ourselves fine dining and sipping teas in Paris, chic and sassy as can be! We can almost visualize ourselves touring the Eiffel Tower and taking selfies as we pass by couples. As you can see here in our picture, we even have a poster of Paris, and a bag with the iconic Eiffel tower logo.
Another thing we enjoy doing together is devouring good quality chocolates after a meal. In particular, we like the new variant Cadbury has recently launched. Both Cadbury Dairy Milk French Vanilla and Chocolate Mousse are now out in the markets starting this month for P180 for a 180-gram bar. Our barkada is definitely #TeamFrenchVanilla because the creamy and classical vanilla filling goodness of the new Cadbury Dairy Milk French Vanilla chocolates allows us to feel sophistication at its finest any time and anywhere we want to, as well as giving us sweet endings to every meal. With Cadbury French Vanilla, we can have a taste of Paris without even stepping out of our office.
Finally had the chance to watch Gone Girl last Monday where I have to plead with the guard at the employee exit to let us in at Shangrila because the mall's already closed. Good thing he listened to me and allowed us in after radio-ing for an approval from his boss. (You rock, kuya!) Moving on, here are my comments on the movie:
The acting was not that impressive.
- Some reviews had praised Rosamund Pike's acting on the film. I didn't think it was anything special. She basically spoke in a deadpan manner all through out the film, and did nothing major that can showcase her talent as an actress. I think what happens is a misplaced appreciation. Instead of appreciating the plot of the film which was tied in to any brilliant sociopathic plan Amy Dunne executes, some people look at the complete contrast between her pretty face and her character in the film then easily credits her and her acting for the twists of the film.
2. The character is not sociopathic enough.
- After reading about sociopaths and psychopaths, I have learned the key traits of sociopaths as well as how to identify them, and one of their key traits is lacking the capacity to love any other person other than themselves. In the movie, Amy Dunne's mental illness seem to spring from only one cause: her love for her husband Nick Dunne. So much so that it made her contemplate ending her own life -which was a "notice me, love me plea" masked as a form of revenge. It also made her kill another man, etc. In reality, sociopaths function just for themselves and no one else. If ever they will be doing favors for someone else which might seem as a form of love, it will be because they want something in return from them but once they get what they want, they can drop you like a hot potato and move on to their next target. Therefore, the character created cannot be labelled a sociopath since she can love, albeit the crazy kind.
3. Why didn't they find Amy Dunne? - If Nick Dunne employed the best and most expensive lawyer and everyone knew about the men she previously dated, then why didn't they think of looking for her at their homes, especially with the ex who can't move on and moved to be closer to her? Just doesn't make sense!
4. The movie will make you recognize some of your exes/colleagues/etc.
- As being a sociopath is fairly common nowadays, I can't help but muse at how similar the main character in Gone Girl was to a former colleague I had who seem to be causing a lot of stress and conflict whenever she's around and whom we even suspect to be quite a crook who steals from the company's funds. Just like Rosamund Pike's character in the movie, she is also a go-getter and always seem to get what she wants.
5. The movie may also promote victim blaming and slut shaming. - Just as the movie will help us identify when someone we know have idiosyncracies or any form of mental illness, I can predict that in the same way, chauvinists and similar types of people who watched the film/read the book may use the movie/book as an excuse to victim blame and slut shame people who may have been real victims of rape and other crimes. I certainly hope not.
A sad fact of life: It is easier to leave your current partner and find someone else who will give you what you want rather than staying when things have gotten difficult to try to make things work and reach a compromise.
In my earlier relationships, I have always been responsible for leaving. Why will I put up with endless fighting when I can just find someone else who won't fight with me? I justified leaving each relationship I had by rationalizing that I can just find one whose interests and principles match mine and who will be easier to get along with than my current partner. I highly value myself and I should fight for my ideals and what I want, even if it means having to leave another person for it. I was not afraid of being alone.
If we were to base our relationship pattern with how we were as babies -as suggested by most psychology and self-help books- then it can also be concluded that I had been a "leaver" since birth. I came into this world a week earlier than expected. I had left my mother's womb before I was completely "baked". Interpreted, it can be both positive -meaning I am more prone to be early for appointments. Or negative -meaning I am also most likely to leave a relationship too soon, probably before it is given a chance to hurt me.
But lately, I have tried to unhinge from my usual pattern of leaving. In my last two relationships, whenever I felt the urge to up and leave, I either control it and try to give another chance to my partner or when I've already expressed my need to be free, I listen and easily accept when they try to reason with me to stay.
In short, I had become a fighter not for my own cause but for the other person -fighting to keep them in my life, fighting to love them still despite any shortcomings they may have had.
But now that I am opening myself to lessons as part of my goal to a happier me, I am trying to strike the right balance between loving myself and being fair to the next person I will enter a relationship with. This means I won't just fight for anyone if they are not worth it simply to deviate from my old pattern (because the old pattern did not work).Being raised by parents who never wanted to meddle when I try to ask them to beat up past bullies at school, I know that waiting for someone to fight for you makes you weak. Fight for yourself because you are worth it.
Yes, I am back. And this time the fighting is for myself.
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