Had the chance to watch the Mockingjay Part I yesterday thanks to my screening sponsor, Cadbury Philippines. As I came directly from work, we walked in just as the lights have dimmed and the movie is starting. Anyway, my comments:
1. Dragging - The movie was off to a slow start (read: all talk), and as I haven't eaten dinner yet, it was just as well, for I busied myself with the task of eating Wendys' 2-piece Salisbury steak in the dark (which my friend had considerably bought for me) while the cast of characters droned on. But after ample time has passed, the cast were still just talking among themselves, and I started getting impatient. I mean, I know it's nice that it's intellectual and sticking close to the book by inserting as many dialogues and all -but- I'm still an averaged Short-Attention-Spanned moviegoer and I prefer action please over words, thank you very much!
But when you think about it, how else can they stretch the Mockingjay book into 2-part movies and make twice the money if they aren't gonna insert lots of down time talking as "fillers" for the movie? The action only started on the second hour of the movie. So yes, you may sleep on the first half of the movie and set your phone to vibrate an hour later when things start to get interesting.
2. Jennifer Lawrence can act - Throughout the film, I have noticed one fact: Jennifer Lawrence's acting has only improved over time. Whenever she is anguished, suddenly I also feel tears spilling over my own eyes. I can't help but compare her to Twilight's Kristen Stewart and it makes me more appreciative of Jennifer's ability to act.
3. Look-alikes - The world has grown so big and populated that nowadays, everyone has at least one celebrity look-alike. Proof of this is how I always find semblances between people when watching movies or meeting someone new. Here are my look-alikes for Mockingjay Part I:
President Coin/Madonna
Boggs/Michael Jordan
Cressida/Girl w/ Dragon Tattoo
Luke Mejares/Beetee
President Snow's cream trench coat/Tablecloth
The movie is not that bad, when it comes down to it from the perspective of someone who has read all three books by Suzanne Collins. However, I'm not sure if those who haven't read the book will have as much tolerance for it, as my friend who haven't read the book seemed lost on what was happening, and asked me to explain some parts of the movie.
Thursday, November 20
"Wake up. You're gonna be late. I love you," he said, as I suddenly opened my eyes to find myself alone in my bed, my dream/fantasy slipping away from me. "I love you too," I mouthed back to the air.
My love is humbled down now. It does not demand to be loved back. It is not proud, and will not be used as a phrase spoken over and over again in a louder tone and gritted teeth to bully my love into saying "iloveyou" back to me when he is mad at me. It is now gentle, unassuming, spoken mildly into the air, to be never caught or returned by anyone again. It is meant to be lost in the world, unobtrusive to anyone, wasted as it may go. It is simply be.
There is a certain kind of meekness associated with having feelings of love for someone you're not committed to. The lack of security makes you sick with love and longing and enables you to give the loved one a type of reverence that creates delusions and encourages masochism tendencies. You envision yourself making all sorts of sacrifices for them, being enslaved by them, kissing them even when they're mean and insufferable to you, coming up behind them to give them out-of-the-blue hugs when they're busy playing games and don't wanna be bothered, saving your favorite food for them, and so forth -if only they will love you back. It's as if somehow you know how futile it is to be loved back, and the more that you know this, the more you keep thinking of gestures of grand, noble and sometimes exaggerated proportions -which in your delusional mind you can do- just so you will have that wonderful feeling of being loved back again. It's so hard to cope up with unrequited love, you think.
And then you wake up next day, and you're fine, and you conquer the world again without batting an eyelash.
I was browsing my Facebook newsfeed when I came across the mysterious case of Elisa Lam, a truly spine-tingling, eerie, true-to-life story.
In late February, 2003, the body of a 21-year old Chinese was found decomposing in a water tank in the rooftop of a hotel in Los Angeles. Along with her naked body, her clothes and watch was found in the tank with her.
The Canadian student tourist from the University of British Columbia has been missing for three weeks when her body was discovered in the tank in Cecil Hotel. According to reports, guests have complained about a "funny taste" in the water as well as trickling of "water that starts out as black" before gradually turning back to its natural color. When a maintenance worker came to check on the tank, it was then that Elisa's dead body was found. What's weird about the case is how Elisa could possibly had access to a high security area that is said to be protected by alarms. It was said that Elisa had stayed at the hotel for five days before she started to disappear. It was also reported that she was on her way to Santa Cruz, California when she checked in at the hotel.
What makes the case creepy is the CCTV footage of Elisa in the last minutes of her life before she died, as shown below:
Hide and Seek, anyone?
Elisa looking nervous
In the CCTV footage, although Elisa was clearly alone in the elevator, she made it appear as if someone else was in there with her, as she nervously hides and re-appears behind the elevator's panel, looking at something that is not visible to the human eye. She proceeds to press several buttons on the elevator while the elevator's doors remain open and won't close. She then steps out to study the elevator from the outside and then suddenly starts this very eerie motion of waving around and parting the air with her hands. She continues doing this slow, creepy hand dance movement until she walked away from the elevator and out of sight from the CCTV camera. It was presumed that she went upstairs to the roof top shortly after this, where she met her tragic fate of "drowning by accident".
Because Cecil Hotel had been popular for murders that occurred in 1985 and 1991 (by serial killers Richard Ramirez and Jack Unterweger respectively), and has also been one of the places that was rumoured to be visited by the brutally murdered Elizabeth Short before she was killed in 1947, most are speculating that Elisa may have been lured to her death by supernatural forces or spirits that haunt the hotel that had been known for murders.
However, a genius comment made by a guest on this site is the one that -to me- seemed to make the most sense of all the theories.
According to the guest, Elisa Lam was bipolar and that this was what caused her to hallucinate a lot, which tired her out and also caused her to decide to kill herself after finding out about the water tank on the rooftop. The elevator did not close even after Elisa had entered because she kept on pressing the buttons, which caused the elevator delays in functioning. Further more, the guest theorized that because Elisa continued pushing the button outside the elevator when she goes out of sight from the camera, this further prevented the elevators from closing.
The guest continued that the weird hand gestures Elisa had been doing was actually her way of practicing the swimming motions which she was about to make in the water tank in a few minutes' time. It was theorized that she reached the water tank by going out of the window on the first floor, taking the fire escape ladder towards the roof, and then getting on the stairs towards the second roof. This is what led her to the water tank, which she may have opened partially before jumping in. As the water level in the tank may have been too low, sadly, she may not have been able to climb out of the water as much as she may have wanted too because she cannot go back and reach the top anymore.
Although this may be the most logical explanation to what really happened, questions still can't stop filling my head about what happened:
What was she thinking when she took her life, if this was the case? Was she so depressed that she did it or was she just being delusional and was not aware that she was killing herself? Had she just wanted to go for a "swim"? What was her last thoughts? Did she try to call out for help or changed her mind once she found her whole body submerged in the dark waters? The fact that she was no longer wearing her clothes and watch but her possessions were seen in the tank with her may suggest that she tried to rise up from the water and removed her garments as it weighed her down and kept her from surviving. How long did she suffer before she drowned?
I also found her three blogs which hint at the depression she may have been battling which led her to her demise:
In etherfields, one of her last posts was about "spending 2 days in bed hating herself", and another one is about berating herself for being "too lazy to exercise".
Meanwhile, her other blog was not too bright and cheerful either. It was empty except for a quote from Chuck Palaniuk she used in describing herself, which was "being haunted by the idea of wasting one's life".
Additionally, in a post in her tumblr account, Elisa talked about how she has to take pills for her depression, bipolar disorder and ADHD, and how she hates having to take the 5 pills everyday:
I wonder what will happen when I take these things long term. Will I ever not need them?
I call it the breakfast of champions and I hate that I have to take it everyday. I’m basically taking these pills because I can’t handle life. Life is hard and since I can’t handle hard things, I need pharmaceuticals.
Part of me is still in denial that I’m not sick and this can be solved without pills.
There is no physical manifestation of my “illness.” If I were to stop taking it, the worst thing would be a headache.
Would I become psychotic and want to off myself? I doubt that very much. For other people, yes there’s a huge risk that will happen but I know I wouldn’t do anything rash like actually jump off a bridge. I’m too much of a coward. Instead I’ll just lie in my bed and let the days pass by. That’s my physical manifestation, sleeping for days in bed.
Today, I want to share an inspiring excerpt from the the book I'm reading called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's an uplifting read that enables the mind to rid itself of all doubts and negativity....
We are going to share a beautiful dream together -a dream that you will love to have all of the time. In this dream you are in the middle of a warm sunny day. You hear the birds, the wind, and a little river. You walk toward the river. At the edge of the river is an old man in meditation and you see that out of his head comes a beautiful light of different colors. You try not to bother him, but he notices your presence and opens his eyes. He has the kind of eyes that are full of love and a big smile. You ask him how he is able to radiate all of that beautiful light. You ask him if he can teach you to do what he is doing. He replies that many, many years ago he asked the same question of his teacher.
The old man begins to tell you his story: “My teacher opened his chest and took out his heart, and he took a beautiful flame from his heart. Then he opened my chest, opened my heart, and he put that little flame inside it. He put my heart back in my chest, and as soon as my heart was inside me, I felt intense love, because the flame he put in my heart was his own love.”
“That flame grew in my heart and became a big, big, fire—a fire that doesn’t burn, but purifies everything that it touches. And that fire touched each one of the cells of my body, and the cells of my body loved me back. I became one with my body, but my love grew even more. The fire touched every emotion of my mind, and all of the emotions transformed into a strong and intense love. And I loved myself, completely and unconditionally.”
But the fire kept burning and I had the need to share my love. I decided to put a little piece of my love in every tree, and the trees loved me back, and I became one with the trees, but my love did not stop, it grew more. I put a piece of love in every flower, in the grass, in the earth and they loved me back, and we became one. And my love grew more and more to love every animal in the world. They responded to my love and they loved me back, and we became one. But my love kept growing and growing.
I turned my head to the sky, to the sun, to the stars, and put a little piece of my love in every star, in the moon, in the sun, and they loved me back. And I became one with the moon and the sun and the stars, and my love kept growing and growing. And I put a little piece of my love in every human, and I became one with the whole of humanity. Wherever I go, whomever I meet, I see myself in their eyes, because I am a part of everything, because I love.”
And then the old man opens his own chest, and takes out his heart with that beautiful flame inside, and he puts that flame in your heart. And now that love is growing inside of you. Now you are one with the wind, with the water, with the stars, with all of nature, with all animals and with all humans. You feel the heat and the light emanating from the flame in your heart. Out of your head shines a beautiful light of different colors. You are radiant with the glow of love and you pray:
Thank you Creator of the Universe, for the gift of life you have given me. Thank you for giving me everything that I have ever truly needed. Thank you for the opportunity to experience this beautiful body and this wonderful mind. Thank you for living inside me with all of your love, with your pure and boundless spirit, with your warm and radiant light.
Thank you for using my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share your love wherever I go. I love you just the way you are, and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am. Help me to keep the love and the peace in my heart and to make that love a new way of life, that I may live in love the rest of my life.
Me and my pals, Grace and Gen are always up for an adventure. As such, we like to imagine ourselves fine dining and sipping teas in Paris, chic and sassy as can be! We can almost visualize ourselves touring the Eiffel Tower and taking selfies as we pass by couples. As you can see here in our picture, we even have a poster of Paris, and a bag with the iconic Eiffel tower logo.
Another thing we enjoy doing together is devouring good quality chocolates after a meal. In particular, we like the new variant Cadbury has recently launched. Both Cadbury Dairy Milk French Vanilla and Chocolate Mousse are now out in the markets starting this month for P180 for a 180-gram bar. Our barkada is definitely #TeamFrenchVanilla because the creamy and classical vanilla filling goodness of the new Cadbury Dairy Milk French Vanilla chocolates allows us to feel sophistication at its finest any time and anywhere we want to, as well as giving us sweet endings to every meal. With Cadbury French Vanilla, we can have a taste of Paris without even stepping out of our office.
Finally had the chance to watch Gone Girl last Monday where I have to plead with the guard at the employee exit to let us in at Shangrila because the mall's already closed. Good thing he listened to me and allowed us in after radio-ing for an approval from his boss. (You rock, kuya!) Moving on, here are my comments on the movie:
The acting was not that impressive.
- Some reviews had praised Rosamund Pike's acting on the film. I didn't think it was anything special. She basically spoke in a deadpan manner all through out the film, and did nothing major that can showcase her talent as an actress. I think what happens is a misplaced appreciation. Instead of appreciating the plot of the film which was tied in to any brilliant sociopathic plan Amy Dunne executes, some people look at the complete contrast between her pretty face and her character in the film then easily credits her and her acting for the twists of the film.
2. The character is not sociopathic enough.
- After reading about sociopaths and psychopaths, I have learned the key traits of sociopaths as well as how to identify them, and one of their key traits is lacking the capacity to love any other person other than themselves. In the movie, Amy Dunne's mental illness seem to spring from only one cause: her love for her husband Nick Dunne. So much so that it made her contemplate ending her own life -which was a "notice me, love me plea" masked as a form of revenge. It also made her kill another man, etc. In reality, sociopaths function just for themselves and no one else. If ever they will be doing favors for someone else which might seem as a form of love, it will be because they want something in return from them but once they get what they want, they can drop you like a hot potato and move on to their next target. Therefore, the character created cannot be labelled a sociopath since she can love, albeit the crazy kind.
3. Why didn't they find Amy Dunne? - If Nick Dunne employed the best and most expensive lawyer and everyone knew about the men she previously dated, then why didn't they think of looking for her at their homes, especially with the ex who can't move on and moved to be closer to her? Just doesn't make sense!
4. The movie will make you recognize some of your exes/colleagues/etc.
- As being a sociopath is fairly common nowadays, I can't help but muse at how similar the main character in Gone Girl was to a former colleague I had who seem to be causing a lot of stress and conflict whenever she's around and whom we even suspect to be quite a crook who steals from the company's funds. Just like Rosamund Pike's character in the movie, she is also a go-getter and always seem to get what she wants.
5. The movie may also promote victim blaming and slut shaming. - Just as the movie will help us identify when someone we know have idiosyncracies or any form of mental illness, I can predict that in the same way, chauvinists and similar types of people who watched the film/read the book may use the movie/book as an excuse to victim blame and slut shame people who may have been real victims of rape and other crimes. I certainly hope not.
A sad fact of life: It is easier to leave your current partner and find someone else who will give you what you want rather than staying when things have gotten difficult to try to make things work and reach a compromise.
In my earlier relationships, I have always been responsible for leaving. Why will I put up with endless fighting when I can just find someone else who won't fight with me? I justified leaving each relationship I had by rationalizing that I can just find one whose interests and principles match mine and who will be easier to get along with than my current partner. I highly value myself and I should fight for my ideals and what I want, even if it means having to leave another person for it. I was not afraid of being alone.
If we were to base our relationship pattern with how we were as babies -as suggested by most psychology and self-help books- then it can also be concluded that I had been a "leaver" since birth. I came into this world a week earlier than expected. I had left my mother's womb before I was completely "baked". Interpreted, it can be both positive -meaning I am more prone to be early for appointments. Or negative -meaning I am also most likely to leave a relationship too soon, probably before it is given a chance to hurt me.
But lately, I have tried to unhinge from my usual pattern of leaving. In my last two relationships, whenever I felt the urge to up and leave, I either control it and try to give another chance to my partner or when I've already expressed my need to be free, I listen and easily accept when they try to reason with me to stay.
In short, I had become a fighter not for my own cause but for the other person -fighting to keep them in my life, fighting to love them still despite any shortcomings they may have had.
But now that I am opening myself to lessons as part of my goal to a happier me, I am trying to strike the right balance between loving myself and being fair to the next person I will enter a relationship with. This means I won't just fight for anyone if they are not worth it simply to deviate from my old pattern (because the old pattern did not work).Being raised by parents who never wanted to meddle when I try to ask them to beat up past bullies at school, I know that waiting for someone to fight for you makes you weak. Fight for yourself because you are worth it.
Yes, I am back. And this time the fighting is for myself.
Me and one of my best pals Ruth had once agreed that people who read self-help books are losers of some sort, laughing and making fun of her blue-eyed contact lens-wearing former classmate in school who bragged that his favorite books include overrated self-help book titles. I personally hated the preachy tone some self-help book authors use in their books. I don't wanna be paying money only to be ordered around by some self-righteous know-it-all stranger.
Around nine years have passed since we made fun of the self-help guy, and after a few failed relationships and lessons, I have decided to give self-help books a chance. After all, what's wrong with wanting to improve yourself if it will help you communicate better with others and have better relationships with everyone?
I have found that not all self-help books preach in an irritating know-it-all voice, and I also found that these books operate mainly under one principle (which echoes and confirm what I have been thinking and theorizing about relationships all along) - the more you demand, the more you push your partner away and the less you demand, the happier you will be.
Case in point based on my observation of the people around me is when a girl pushes for marriage to her boyfriend who is not yet ready for it or when a guy pressures his girl friend to convert to his religion when the girl doesn't feel like converting to a different religion. In both cases, the person's desire to get what they want becomes so great that it outgrows their love for their partners and it consumes them so much that it becomes their chief goal in life, without caring anymore for anything less. It's actually sad when I see friends become like these, and it can only be called as what Eckhart Tolle said, "simply using the person you are with as a means to an end". The relationship or the person you are with is no longer of primary importance to you or even of no importance at all because what have become most important to you now is what you can get out of the relationship -be it marriage, sex, money, yielding of one's will or some sort of reinforcement to your ego.
Here are similar words of wisdom from Anthony Robbins:
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. ”
A most common reaction to breaking up is usually finding replacement to erase the LGS (Last Girl Syndrome) or LBS (Last Boy Syndrome) stuck in their heads/hearts. In fact, some boys and girls even go on a "race" to enter a new relationship if only to avoid the embarrassment that comes with "being replaced" as well as to get out of the pain and heartbreak in the quickest time possible.
What happens then is an impatient quest for a replacement that compromises the quality of the relationship and the person being sought. When we don't pause to breathe from a heartbreak, we mostly end up in -guess what- another heartbreak which brings us back to where we started.
It is so easy to just plaster on a band-aid to a wound rather than being bothered with the meticulous cleaning of it that most of the time we just end up wondering why the wound is not healing at all. Then we end up taking off the band aid much much later only to discover that underneath what we've hidden from the rest of the world for a time (which we led everyone to believe is already healing speedily) is a wound that's still as fresh as it had been the day we first got it injured. Now don't we wish we had just took the extra time to clean and treat it correctly the first time around instead of just going by a quick fix that ended up being a waste of effort on our part?
Similarly, healing from a broken heart/ relationship that ended requires hard work and a determination to fix ourselves -and the first step in doing this is by starting to believe in ourselves.
Believe in yourself that you are worthy of love that people write novels about. Believe that your soul mate is in fact out there and not aborted at birth, that you are worthy of getting a proposal bestowing you a lifetime of love, or that you deserve to have some one you will love enough to propose your life to. Identify your own faults that are preventing you from getting a shot at full happiness and believe that you can change them. After all, anything worth having is worth working hard for and waiting for.
According to psychologist Carl Rogers, he
has found it most useful to always try to understand the other person. Our
initial reaction to most statements is judgment, rather than an understanding
of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is
an immediate “that’s stupid,” “that’s abnormal,” “that’s
wrong,” “that’s impossible,” “that’s not nice.” We rarely permit ourselves to
understand what the meaning of the statement is to the
other person.
-The paragraph above is an excerpt from Dale Carnegie's book called How to Win Friends and Influence People.
I've decided to include it in my post because my belief to listen to what another person has to say -regardless if that person has hurt my ego- is what pushed me to rein back my pride and decide to see a person who has just rejected me and broken my heart. More than anything, I wanted to understand how he was feeling so I can give him what he wanted completely and peacefully.
During our last few days to talk, he was showing me attitude. For someone who has broken my heart, he was exhibiting weird behavior -cancelling out last minute plans to meet me, being late by almost 2 hours, and being cold and unsmiling. It was almost as if I was the one who broke his heart. I decided to give him his space and his peace the day of our scheduled last meeting, to just let him be and figured that if he wouldn't talk then there's nothing I can do but just gather the things I've left in his place as originally planned.
But on the cab on our way home, I relented.
"Sit with me", I urged him, patting the seat next to me, inching close to the door and making space for him at the back of the cab. He pretended not to hear me and sat in front with the driver. I sighed and watched as the cab passed by a number of places. But I can't pretend to be preoccupied with the schools, gas stations and local beer houses that we zipped by as the time we had left with each other is quickly getting shorter.
I started staring at the back of his thick skull and started talking to him silently in my head. "Psst." I said in my mind. "C'mon! Why so serious?" I teased him in a friendly way inside my head. The back of his head remained stiff and unmoving.
Suddenly, I can't control it any more. I decided to close the gap between my pride and my heart, reached out and tentatively held his hand which was resting at his chair's head rest. "Psst. Ako 'to." I continued with my silent talk to him in my head. Even if he was just sitting in front, he seemed so distant to me. I've always held his hand in the past to feel close to him even without speaking.
I silently told him that it's okay, that me holding his hand just meant that I have forgiven him for letting me go, and that there's nothing to fear. "Ako lang to", I assured him again in my head. Until the last moment, I just wanted to hold his hand and make him feel that I am on his side and that I'm not out to get him for his decision. It was at this moment that his hand slipped away from my grasp. I retrieved my freed hand to wipe away my silent tears.
After a while he placed his hand back on the head rest and tapped it twice with his head still turned away from me. I took it as a signal that he wants to be held. I moved forward in my seat, placed both hands on his big hand and held as if my life depended on it for the rest of the ride home.
Before watching any of the 3 Rurouni Kenshin movies, I have never watched even 1 episode of the Samurai X animated TV series. The reason I watched the first movie 2 years ago was because my ex-boyfriend was a fan of the TV series. And now that I have watched all three installments of the movies, here are my observations:
Rurouni Kenshin (Takeru Satoh) fights in cute, small jerky motions.
- I've always had the impression that samurais are these highly esteemed kind that are almost at par with the nobilities. As such, I expected them to fight gracefully and be nimble on their feet (like Sojiro). I expected them to glide effortlessly on the ground like, say, Michael Jackson when he's moonwalking, or that I will gape openmouthed while they fight in a smooth, suave way. Watching Kenshin in his fight scenes, I have observed that he has these signature "small-man" jerky movements that are not at all graceful but cute. He swings his head left-right while taking small steps forward and then swings his sword in two successive one-two quick swishes in one direction. And to witness him fight is an experience much like watching your nephew perform. You watch him with fondness of his quirks and mannerisms that have grown to be familiar to you.
Here he is doing his "small-man" signature walk-turn
Key moments/scenes of the film are highlighted by rain.
- I've also noticed that important parts of the film always happen when it's raining or rain will suddenly add effect on an already serious/dramatic scene, such as when Kenshin watched the burial of the man he slained, when he went to save Kaori, and when his Master asked him to figure out what it is he lacked.
Sanosuke reacts and bleeds in extremes.
- My favourite character of the film, funny side kick Sanosuke is depicted as always reacting in extremes complete with his animated facial expressions -whether it be joy, anger, sadness, etc. While there is no shortage in his reactions at every situation, in the same way, I have also noticed that his every fight scene has him bleeding profusely so that blood completely covers his teeth while gushing from his mouth as well as all over his body, making me wince at his sight.
I loved the OST.
- The soundtrack for the movie "Hiten by Naoki Sato" did not sound so special at the beginning then you will hear it build up to majestic drum beating and then segue-ing to the background music for the epic fight scenes we have all came to love from watching all three installments of the movie.
I haven't been your biggest fan for so long. In fact, I haven't talked to you for years because I have been sulking for a while and felt like you favor your other children over me. How else can I explain why my wish for happiness is pushed aside while you grant friends, families and acquaintances their soul mates/lifetime partners? I felt left out -like I'm your least favorite child in the world, and that you feel the need to give others (particularly my friends) what they want while you let me wait and wait and be miserable without my other half.
But lately, a friend of mine has encouraged me to try talking to you and see if it will make me feel better. As I have felt that I have come to one of my lowest points in life recently when I've gone through a heartbreak and someone I considered a friend broke my trust in a totally unbelievable and depressing way, I've decided to give it a shot. Every morning as I walk towards my ride to work or when I remember it, I talk to you and pray that the friend who has betrayed my trust will make things right by taking responsibility for what he has done. Additionally, I have also continued to ask you for the one thing I have been asking constantly from you ever since -to give me my lifetime partner and to let me know once I have met him.
With what's happened lately, I know that this was your doing, and that you are working in order to grant me my long standing wish. With this in mind, I'd like to give thanks to you for making this possible for me. You and I may not be as close as you and your devout followers, but at this time of hurt, betrayal and confusion, I'd like to believe that you are holding my hand when other people's hands have slipped away from mine.
Love is a choice, and it has always been that way for me in
the past. I think choosing to love is a natural course to follow for girls,
especially since it is not us but usually the men who do the picking for us,
and we just choose to say yes or reject a love that comes our way.
I can love at will, and I can stop at will, too. I know it
sounds mechanical and not at all romantic, but I have lived the first quarter
of my life alone and independently before finally caving in and saying yes to a
very devoted boy who adored me and loved me with the strongest of passions when
I was 24. He was the most sincere, earnest and loving man I’ve ever met that I
just can’t refuse him when he asked me to be his girl.
Looking back at all my relationships after him, I have
observed that my pattern for loving someone has always been going along with
whoever chooses me and humouring his attention/love for me by trying to
reciprocate it with as much attention/love as I can. The few times that I had
been the one in charge of choosing my partner, I had immediately ended it due
to lack of patience in waiting for him to reciprocate my love, or ended it
because it never really felt right for me to steal someone else’s love, and I
felt the urge to “return” him to his proper owner.
I have always been confident that I can “love” again.
Sometimes, though, I am afraid that I’m not doing it right. “Have
I ever really fallen in love?” I ask myself numerous times. I know that one of
the most apparent signs of falling in love is holding on and fighting to keep
the person you love. However, I found that in my first few relationships, it
has always been me who initiates ending the relationship. Sadly, by the time
that I have figured out that I was not being the ideal mate by always letting
someone go, ironically, it suddenly seemed that my partners are always letting
me go.
Now, at a stage in my life where I can choose to love someone
else again, I’d like to temporarily release hold on my share of happiness, as I
found that it chips away my dignity. As Glory Szabo says, happiness is not a
race with other people. I am stronger than my happiness.
A boy I've dated told me that his ex-girlfriend (as with most girls in their 20's and up who are obsessed about getting hitched) had demanded marriage from him and that, when it became clear that he will not ask for her hand in marriage and that he won't provide her an engagement ring with a minimum value of P150,000, she had cursed him furiously.
Probably worried that I will do the same to him, hence the sudden sharing of stories, I assured him that no, I was not after marrying him and that no, I won't be tying him down anytime soon after only, what, three months (?) of dating him.
Being a believer in freedom myself, I told him that I have no plans of settling down anytime soon. "It's so much fun being chased after, courted and lavished with lots of attention and affection," I told him. "There's nothing like the thrill of new devotion being provided by a fresh suitor which I could never get from an old husband who had grown accustomed to taking me for granted," I added. I also told him that it was probably another reason why sometimes I keep breaking up with the men I date because of my constant search for unwavering devotion.
In time, I hope I will also find a man worth tying down for. But for now, I will continue lavishing in the attention and affection of the boys I date.
I do not know the exact moment I started believing in you. I know I blogged about you in July 2002, and then again in April 2009 -when I believed that you were my first boyfriend and that I've made the fatal mistake of letting you slip away. Here's also another post about you in June 2009, plus more postshere.
I know I exhibit cynical behavior about getting married, and should you have -by any chance- heard me while I was dishing out my doomsday opinions on getting hitched to friends -like I don't care if I don't marry or bear children in this life- you'd probably be turned off right away.
But just the same, I'd like to assure you that I'd still very much like -and I'm hoping so much- to meet you with every fibre of my being. I am in no hurry to meet you because when I do, I know that it will be life's greatest gift to me- just to find the life partner I've been searching for my whole life who can ease all my worries and who I can be comfortable with no matter what I say or do. What's most important is that I find you at all.
When I finally find you, I know that all my insecurities and fears will slip away... That no matter how difficult it is for a man to love me, you will find a way to still do regardless of me being an Iglesia Ni Cristo, or despite my differences from you in background and despite me having traits that are not so easy to put up with. Likewise, I promise to love you unconditionally, and know that I will put your safety, interest and well-being above my own. Also, I will never ever hurt you. I vow that you will get the best treatment ever simply for finding me and giving me love that has no end.
For now, I have stopped my quest to look for you cause I can only take so much heartbreaks at a time. I hope you understand. For the mean time, please take care of yourself and wait for me, for I am on my way.
There is nothing better than watching the latest movies -admiring the cinematography, watching the plot unravel, seeing your favorite movie idols once again, appreciating the songs played on its soundtrack, judging the special effects they used for enhancement, comparing it to other movies and so forth. But out of all the movies I've watched, the movie that really made me fall in love with watching movies isthe Korean film Old Boy. Unlike your typical movie, the unexpected twists and turns of the plot, the teeth-gritting scenes, the taboo elements and the hair-pulling ending has made my heart thump wildly in my rib case, even more wildly than it could ever thump after riding steep roller-coaster rides!
And if you're a movie buff like me, wouldn't you wish there's an app that can make watching movies easier for you by letting you check the screening dates, schedules and places for the movies you wanted to see ahead of time?
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Now that you know about GMovies, you can download it yourself in your phone and find out how it can help you plan your movie schedules. Care to share what made you fall in love with watching movies? Answer by posting a comment on this blog post and get a chance to win two (2) FREE movie dates each week for one (1) month! Happy commenting!
One of the reasons why I look forward to my brother's marriage with ate Nhing is having more chances to bond with future brother- in- law Marky.
As I see it, I am to my family as what Marky is to the Cruz's... aside from being the youngest like him, I can match his non-stop chattering endurance, and I just recently found out that we both have epileptic tendencies although his condition is much more serious.
With his bubbliness and so much zest for life, it's still a shock that he's gone now.
It hurts a lot to think that he may be alone in his last moments in an unknown place without any loved ones around.
I cannot imagine that such a sweet, warm boy who will always protect and care for others even at his own expense can be BETRAYED IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY.
In behalf of the whole Cruz family, thank you for all your concern & efforts in helping us find him.
Now all we ask is that justice be served for the baby of the Cruz family whose very sympathy, trust & goodwill to others had ironically caused him harm in the end.
We love you Marky! You are -as your Facebook name suggests- truly immortal in our hearts! May you help us in bringing light to your senseless death.
Please help us find justice for Marcos by helping us answer who he was last seen with in RIZAL on SATURDAY, OCTOBER 5 and who he came to see in QUEZON on SUNDAY, OCTOBER 6 2013. Share this photo to friends on FB, specially those in Infanta, Quezon or Rizal, and if you can, please print and post on tricycles, in beach resorts, jeeps, and other establishments.
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The other day, I was talking about marriage over lunch with my two team mates at work. Probably to get back at me and Ai for interrogating him and teasing him on why he currently has no girl friend in one of our previous lunches, he decided to turn the tables and pester me and Ai on why we still haven't tied the knot at our ripe age.
To answer Leonard, and all other people who wonders why I haven't married yet, I always say that:
It's a feeling, not a time-pressured requirement for anyone. As I have said over and over again to anyone who asks, getting hitched should be based solely on feelings (or lack thereof) and I will not be pressured to do it just because I'm getting old. I do not feel like marrying because I do not feel like marrying. I'm not normal like other marriage-minded females so what! Don't ask me at what age I plan to marry because it will never be an age but something that will depend on my feelings, so if I don't have any feelings, I will not marry. First of all, why will I want to enter a state where I am not sure of the consequences? There is no guarantee that marriage = happier me so why will I wish for something I don't have when it won't even bring me joy? Plus, I will only be stressing myself (like other girls I know who wring their hands wishing for marriage) by wanting something I don't have which I'm not even sure of. I am content with my life, and if any one else tells me not to be, then I demand that that person gives me something that is sure to make me happier -like shopping money. Also, please see reason number 2.
Has it ever occurred to anyone that they shouldn't ask women about these things? It's rude, it's impolite, and it's not as if the choice is entirely for us to make, as men should be the ones initiating a marriage proposal.So don't ask me!
To irk me further is this article from dailymail.co which friends keep on sharing and kept popping up irritatingly at my Facebook newsfeed:
It's an article about the "generation who refuses to grow up" and I was on the brink of sharing it on my own wall while skimming the first few sentences of the article, but as I read on I slowly became madder and madder, until I don't want to share the article anymore but just whack some sense onto the author (Miss Marianne Power's) head. Even though my friend who posted the article did not share my view that the article is judgmental and said that all it did was just compared generations, for me it's the tone kept the article from being seen by me as nothing other than judgmental.
With concluding words, Ms. Powers had said:
"I’ll be the last guest at the party, dancing alone, long after the music stops. And I don’t want that."
and:
"We’re propping up bars across the country, hoping the dim light disguises our wrinkles and that our Topshop outfits help us to blend in with the 20-somethings around us. And that’s a very sad thought. Perhaps it is time to finally grow up."
As if the basis of truly growing up and being a better human being depend solely on the ability or the inability to marry someone and have kids. Here the author was, longing to be a wife and a mother and basically saying how pathetic she and the rest of us are just for choosing not to marry and/or not to have a child, without even considering the other aspects of her life that are positive and which makes her happy, and also without considering the not-so-good aspects of marrying and having children.
Is she saying that my friend who married, got beaten up, and had her child sexually harrassed by her psycho ex-husband made better life choices than her and other single individuals?
Is she saying that those who just neglects and leaves their children to be cared for by their relatives are better human beings than single aunts and uncles who looks after their nephews and nieces?
Because to me, it seemed Ms Marianne Power's answers to that are yes.
If I were to star in my own movie, I would be a guardian angel, who keeps giving sick humans or those who have disabilities what they need like, giving a blind man eyesight, a deaf little girl the ability to hear, etc.-the catch is, I have to have what they need before I can give it to them, and every time, I give them a special ability they need, I would lose this facility, so I would be the one who will become blind, deaf, etc., until at the end of the movie, I will be rendered almost useless, and when cruel street kids would see me in the street walking unsteadily, they will make fun of me... all because of my desire to help others!
I'm sure that when the film starring me is produced, all of my friends and family will run to the nearest cinema to watch it, and they will be watching it with a Kettle Korn in tow, because Kettle Korn makes watching movies poppin' fun all the time!
