The 25 funniest analogies

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

reposted from: writingenglish.wordpress.com/2006/09/12/the-25-funniest-analogies-collected-by-high-school-english-teachers/

Women are always found guilty of trying to justify impulsive actions brought about by lust through falling in love. Not quite knowing how to handle any acts of intimacy that happen early between them and a man, women resort to the self-imposed punishment of falling in love, subconsciously knowing that they will eventually get hurt by falling for a man that’s wrong for them. This, they think, is proper penance for the shame brought about by being unexpectedly intimate with a man, moreso if she or the man is committed to someone else. Aside from this, women has the scientifically proven disadvantage of falling in love with men they get intimate to --as opposed to the ruthless, less immune to falling-in-love men. Scientific explanation points to a chemical released by a woman's body during lovemaking which makes them have maternal feelings for men who has reached their womb --the very same feelings which they have or will have for their offsprings.

Men --the bastards-- truly have it easier.

As a person who loves to analyze and theorize about the human psyche, I came up with a few more theories about bois and gels in love. And these are:

1. Girls are the ones who always break up the relationship, usually because they want to feel more appreciation. Ergo, by doing this, they DO NOT meant for boys to agree and let them go. They want their boyfriends to refuse and fight for their love and get told they are too beautiful and wonderful to let go of. Their suggestion of break-up usually just signifies typical hurt girl-seeking-for-lambing behaviour, and therefore, boys, it just means that your girl loves you. [yes, no matter how crazy that sounds.]
2. Boys usually take the break-up message seriously and it usually wounds their egos, and instead of the girl’s expected response of their boy begging and grovelng to make the relationship work and being more loving than before because they’re afraid to lose the girl, they take offense and protect their ego and let the girl go.
3. Boys’ egos are very fragile things. Once it is hurt --e.g. their girlfriends tell them one of their flaws or not-so-good qualities in the hopes that they’ll improve-- not only do the boys NOT resolve to improve the flaw, but they will rebel by cheating behind their girls’ backs. So girls, take extra pre-caution in giving “constructive criticisms” to your men. Because even if you just wanted to help him or try to make the relationship better by telling him he should be a little more loving or he should maybe try to get a job or stuff, he’ll take this against you and take it personally. He’ll also think that since “you can’t accept him for what he is” [even if in reality you just can’t accept his one bad trait], he has the license to get “re-dignified” by seeking attention elsewhere and going for other girls to seek glory again and just to cancel out that one little fatal hurting comment you made about, say, his snoring habit.
4. Boys deal with relationship problems not by confronting them but by avoiding them, being as far away as they can be from the dilemma, procrastinating having to face the situation and by “having fun first” [dating other girls and doing light-on-the-mind, happy things that will make them temporarily forget their current problem with their spouses, or simply doing any other thing that can make them avoid facing current relationship dilemma.]
5. Boys deal with heartbreaks, being cheated on etc. by doing the same crime their nasty ex-spouses commited to them maybe not to the girl who did them wrong [who would have already escaped away with the cheating accomplice] but to the next unsuspecting innocent girl they enter relationships with. Boys are indeed harder to heal in love than girls are. Some boys marred with bad relationships don’t ever heal and just continue on with sick cycles that pile up one nasty relationship after another. Hopefully, there will come a time when they will recover from their past baggages and find a way to go back to their good old selves or how they were before they were f***’d around wit by malevolent souls.