Was it only two weeks ago?
That I had a chat wit ma bro’s gf? Early into their 4-year relationship, I used to bond wit bigbro’s gf every Sunday when we’d sit next to each otha in church and gossip evry time tha choir wud sing. Those chances became fewer & fewer as we don’t git to arrive in church at tha same moment anymore & even if we do git seated next to each other, we found we had nuthin to say to each otha’s face. But two weeks ago, bro’s gf was unusually chatty to me tryin’ to fit in all she had to say before tha church service ended & she hafta be whisk’d away by ma brotha. She was tellin me of her plans to quit work as a teller. And that she plann’d to study again. She plann’d to study nursing and as she hafta start all over again knew that by tha time she finish’d shell school shell prolly be too old fo’ marriage. Said she told bro she plannd on studyin’ at De Los Santos, which is near our place.
Well, last week, she refus’d to go to church wit ma brotha –which, wit tha right amount of pestering, bro told me to have sumthin to do wit his comin home late last night from his office’s Christmas party and tha fact that tha gf’s brotha saw ma bro wit anotha gurl in SM Mega Mall. That, and prolly tha fact that bro’s usin anotha gurly’s Santa Clause-capped face as screensaver in his phone. So that last week, tha gf [now ex-gf] weirdly gave mum a cake wit a thank-you card attach’d …and she never gave anything to us in their 4-year relationship ‘cept fo’ that pillow she gave me on their first year together. And I heard her belting out a sad [teary?] song beneath me that day she refus’d to go wit bro to church. [she lives downstairs as one of our boarders] Well, who cud’ve thought ma bro had it in him to cheat on his gf? Tha gurl downstairs was his first gf while ma bro was not tha gf’s first. Maver, paver & I were all bettin’ that tha gf wud break his heart sumday seein’ as how he used to be so smitten & all but bro proved us wrong. I know I used to say I can’t stand tha ex-gf but she wasn’t really mean or anythang I was prolly juz jealous like I am over any’un most of tha time anyway. And anyway, any’un wud’ve felt sympathy fo’ tha gurl ‘spesh when I remember ‘twas only 2 weeks ago when tis conversation happen’d:
Me: “Terno, a!” [referring to ma bro & tha ex-gf’s matching turquoise attire]
Ex-gf: “Siyempre! [looping an arm lovingly towards bro’s arm] …may sayaw pa kami ñan eh!”
Bro [jokingly]: “Best friend na nga lang tayo, diba?”
I don’t think tha ex-gf took his jokes and hints about supposed chicks @ work seriously ‘til her provided her solid evidence.

Me honing Toyz’ call center agent skills
From tha moment we say hello till tha end of our phone convos, it has become an unspoken agreement fo’ me & Toyz, ma job batchmate [we got hired @ tha same month] to talk in fluent English complete wit accents everytime we talk on tha phone to hone Toyz’ call agent skills. But to further polish his skills, I ask’d him to pretend that I’m a customer. Here’s part of our convo:
Toyz: Good evening, ma’am! What is your account number?
Me: My account number’s 123456…..
Toyz: What is the account number’s first and last name?
Me: It’s 444332516 and 77899..
Toyz [cutting in]: I’m sorry but I was asking for the account’s first and last name.
Me: Oh. I forgot.
Toyz: How would you like me to call you ma’am?
Me: Bitch.
Toyz: Well, what is your husband’s name?
Me: Saddam
Toyz: And what is your pin number?
Me: That’s personal! Why are you asking for so many numbers anyway?
Toyz: Well, bitch, we have to get your number so that we may open your account
***
How tha boys treat me @ work:
Caren and Kelmer are both polite –Kelmer never miss tha chance to say ‘scuse me’ when reaching fo’ paper that’s situated on top of ma pc as if I’m blockin his way when in fact I’m a foot apart while Caren who’s juz 4 steps away from me alwez feels tha need to git up from his seat to talk to me when relaying orders from our boss and speaks in a super slow soft tone as if hes givin out instructions to a child or a fool.
Eypi thinks I’m a li’l kid. An example is when I overheard him tellin Kelmer ‘bout some kid who collects old newspapers at their home…‘Siguro malaki lang ng konti si Shayn sa kaña’, I heard him say, and today when he ask’d me about tha Christmas goodies I’ve accumulated [he diden ask tha OJT who was younger than me], he was reminiscin’ how gewd ‘twas to git gifts & money in tha olden dayz as if hez 85 years old instead of 25.

Wut happens when ya dress in yer oldest most drab clothes?
Last week, ma boss rang me on ma cel to tell me to go to work on a Saturday to revise tha copy I've been workin' on. To mourn his decision and to make him feel tha inconvenience he’ve caus’d me by makin him think I left in house clothes, I dress’d in a loose black old shirt, ancient denims, and ma oldest loafers a.k.a. tha flood shoes –ma choice of footwear whenever I hafta go thru mud puddles, semi-floods & other icky unrefined places. Tha original plan of goin to Greenhills wit maver and tha fact that we cud stil go right after work completely escaped ma mind as I focused on putting together ma I-shuden-be-workin attire. So that later when we got to GH, we came across 5 people I knew from school whom I haven't seen for ages - 4 of whom look'd me up & down critically, 2 of whom are ultimate fashion slaves, and 1 of whom used to look up at me fo’ ma so-call'd fashion sense.

Ma apostrophes ain't showin right! Hey blogger, sup wit that?
***
Office gossip
I had been too engross'd in writin' copies and lookin' fo' pictures to match and printing out labels on envelopes and oglin' ma crush that I had li'l time fo' bloggin. Now am gona tell y'all a li'l sumthin bwt ma O.mates/ma boss' employees but so as not to give their identities away, I've jumbled their initials to give em anonymity (?). And so here are more or less tha characters I had been immersed in while I wasn't bloggin:
Tha Veterans -Tha veterans are those who've been 'round fo' at least 2 christmases now. These are:
Caren -Hired evr since tha company started, hez tha boss' right man & second hand. Hez also tha media dir. & tha graphic art. Wit long hair, tall posture, a loud pleasant voice and gazillions of stories, hez a strong presence in tha O. Hez older than tha rest of us but younger than Mang Blawjaw, Ate Demi & Mob [f'course!] He alwez comes in late & alwez wear a striped long-sleeved therefore remindin me of tha banana in pyjamas. Likes to play tha song "Fighting Temptations" over & over again. Fave phrase: "Laugh trip, pare!"
Mang Blawjaw -Tha jolly ol' company driver. ThO' hez a bit ancient he knows all tha latest hit charts from listenin to his alaga's music & even belts out Black-eyed peas songs. Tha middle of his brows is fix'd in a perpetual fold as if he forgot to undo a frown on his face tho his mouth & eyes are alwez alit wit laughter & mischief. Fave phrase: "Janel, kelan namin makukuha..?" and "Wala nang pasok!"
Janel -Tha new mummy of a bouncin' baby boy, shez also tha payroll giver & tha accountant. Tha "beachball look"? suited her so well that before givin' birth, she was ma officiall fave preggy ladee. Shez still pudgy and cute as a five-year-old. Shez also tha reigning Super-What-Word and Super-Text-Twist champ. Fave phrase: "Uwi na ko ha!"
Ate Demi -Mob's mayordoma and tha queen of tha household. Shez a woman made of pure steel, sharp tongue, and looks made of pure contempt and pure suspicion, which she generously casts on every'un her boss included. She bark'd at me on ma first day of work & managd to scare tha very tall Kelmer into skippin' a day of pool-playin'. She likes to wear socks and/or gardening boots around tha house. With her super short hair & widening eyes, she has tha classic amazona look. Together wit Caren, they are tha two employees that comprise Mob's solid blocks of stability. Fave phrase: "Rey-di na, sir!" [calling Mob to breakfast]
Newbies -Employees who've been 'round fo' barely a year. These are:
Kelmer -Wit his lanky 6-foot-frame, fair skin, braces, and spanking good looks, it's easy to see why Mob put him in charge of delivering thangs to clients. He duzen talk much tho' ,givin off a suplado vibe. A certified billiards addict, he gobbles up his lunch in one-minute juz to be able to play more rounds of pool at Mob's house. He also has tha habit of headin on straight home after delivering/pickin up thangs and findin' out that Mob's not in tha office. Quite clumsy, I've known him to be tha upsetter of tha lamp that broke during a billiard session and tha culprit of tha mysterious spilt pitcher of water left in Mob's kitchen in ma 2-month stay at tha O. And he smells of Dep gel. Fave phrase: "Game na!" and [through text]"Diyan ba si sir?"
Eypi -“Tha events manager, hez also Mob's trusted phone call maker. Sumkinda newspaper fetish, he takes tha company's broadsheets home & digs around in his free time fo' more. He has one of tha most prominent stomachs I've seen around. He also goes to tha loo twice in an hour and turns tha aircon off lest he keel over from too much coldness after which he'll turn it on again when he feels hot and then off again later on. Hez also tha gentlest among tha three fellas. Fave phrase: "...para ebribadi hapi!"
Raul -Tha OJT. He started work on tha same day I did. Tho' he duzen git paid yet, hez prolly tha richest among us since he goes to and from work in a cab, bought a 6630 wit in a week of losin his mobile to hold-uppers, and bought tha most expensive gift fo' our Kris Kringle. Janel said he resembles Tyrone of Starstruck. Hez also a metrosexual and buys himself stuff like self-tanning kits. His bag contains a moisturizing spray fo' tha face and perfume among others. Fave phrase: Nag-bu-busy-busyhan! and Friendster na 'to!" [usually declared as Mob leaves tha office]
Pata -Tha latest addition to Mob's payroll list, shez also tha new maid & Ate Demi's assistant. Compared to Ate Demi, Pata looks frail wit her small frame and passive temperament. In her first month, she had worn green CAT pants [prolly hand-me-downs from Mob's sons] day in & day out. Now she wears ordinary shorts. I have not yet heard her talk long enuf to find a recurrin' fave phrase fo' her.
Tha Boss:
Mob -Tha great source of income. He duzen scream when piss'd at us but reproaches us quietly when no one else is present so that we won't git embarrasd in front of tha others and juz mutters his "hay naku" along wit a big sigh. He cud git quite demanding at times and his praises come wit criticisms. Alwez seen in his fave white Chinese-collared polo. Likes to keep ribbons from his open'd Christmas gifts. Fave phrase: "Hay nakuu!"

According to this site, I have all of 2,508,014,964 seconds to live

For tha past few days unknown forces had been conspiring against me so that I cuden git ma hands on ma 13th month-pay. Thursday when I was s’pos’d to git it along wit evry’un else, I did not have P17 change so that I hafta wait til tha next day while tha three fellas ‘round me celebrated & drank booze in tha office. [tha boss had gone off to sumwhere.] Friday had me hurryin’ off to meet pals sumwhere so that claimin’ yesterday’s loot totally escap’d ma mind till I was a block away from tha O & too ashamed to turn back to get it. Fin’lly juz when I’m equipp’s wit baryas & loose change and memory’s gewd, tha key to tha metal box [from which our cash is kept] chose today of all days to disappear. Gewd thing ma ‘mate thought of bringing tha box to a nearby mall to have it open’d -however silly he might’ve look’d carryin’ it. Ended up bringing home a very thick wad of mint as bonus consisted of a pile of 20 & 50-peso bills.
***
“Ano ba yan, daig mo pa si Fernando Poe!” --maver to me when she found out I had toasted bread witout removing tha newspapers on top of tha toaster.