When we first met, you were wearing one of your black shirts that you always wore the first few times we dated. I think they were your best shirts. They made you look thinner and hid your beer belly. I never saw any trace of them later on. Anyway, during that first date exactly a few years ago, I knew you liked me or what I represented to you at that first glance. I knew because you never complained about the bill even if I surprised you with a pretty expensive choice for that impromptu dinner date brought about by my sudden PMS craving for beef belly. Neither did I hear a peep from you when I picked an imported ice cream chocolate bar from the grocery and made you pay for it, too. I have been jobless for some time, thus penniless. I knew I got you coz when we were about to part, you were even humming a song.
When we first met I thought you looked fairly cute. Not bad, I told myself after my first glimpse of your face.
The second time we met, you were wearing an elegant black jacket sitting directly below the chandeliers at the lounge of the newly opened cinema in BGC. When you saw me, you flashed me a brilliant smile, so happy to see me, and I can't help but smile back coz you were so dashing and your smile so genuine. I started falling in love with the crinkles around your eyes which showed everytime you smile or laugh.
The first time I rode with you on your motorcycle, I buried my face in your back coz you were going too fast. You thought I was being sweet and sorta rubbed your stubbled chin on the back of my hand on your shoulder (which I thought was cute if not a bit odd)
I loved how your face would always light up with a smile by way of greeting whenever we met. The first few times, I smiled back, but I was back to my poker resting bitch face after that coz it's my most natural state.
Like your predecessors, I am once again in total bewilderment of how I can fall for you when you didn't seem to exhibit too much lovable traits. But for me, you were absolutely beautiful. All I have to do to forget all about your shortcomings is imagine the magical moment when I snuggled up hesitantly next to you to sleep, and you inched yourself all the way into my arms and as close as you can be before kissing me lightly on my forehead and falling asleep. I ache to be with you always, and when I was not with you, I imagine myself sending you kisses, hugs and an auric shield filled with love so that you may always wake up happy and in a good mood. At night, I wish to the stars and pray to the universe to always keep you safe and to let you know how much I love you.
When you started to withdraw your affections, I vacillated between letting you go and holding on, but reaching out to you somehow always won. I reasoned with myself:
Can I really live with myself for not trying to understand you when you are the person I love the most in this world? Is this (shunning you) any way to treat someone who will be my husband?
After this reasoning, I always came back to you. I sent you beautiful poetry or articles related to motorcycles or helpful links about your career and even childish Viber stickers. I sent you signs of my love patiently each night with a curtly keyed-in good night or a corny good night sticker just before I close my eyes to rest each night, never mind that you don't respond or just seen-zone it. "I love you and I will not give up" is my battlecry, and I ignored all the hurt you were piling up on me. I will not be calling out all your faults coz after all loving is not about me, but my decision to continue giving it to you even without getting any in return.
I had no idea when I intended to stop until one day when I decided to take a peek at your profile, and found that the only heart I had ached for every waking day for months --and which had been kept safely out of my reach-- now belongs to someone else.
