Ghost Ache: When Will It Leave Me?

 There's a ghost ache that lives within me. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever heal from previous loves and past hurts. Because although I fall too easily over and over again for someone new, when I re-examine my heart and look for old wounds, I find it wincing and trying to avoid inspection, afraid I will look at past rejections cause it still hurts. It seems I haven't stopped crying even in the midst of falling in love with different souls. 

The Center Cannot Hold: A Book Review

 

The Center Cannot Hold, a memoir written by schizophrenic author Elyn R. Saks, is an account of an adult woman who has a mental illness and how she went through things a normal girl would --like going to college, going to law school, finding a job, making friends, handling relationships, and dating. 

After reading just the first few pages, I was immediately endeared to Elyn, much like how I was endeared to Ramona, the eight-year-old character Beverly Cleary created in her children's book series years ago. Even if Elyn is an actual person, Ramona is a fictional character, and they were decades apart in ages, both have similarities. Ramona throws tantrums while Elyn has episodes. In both cases, both girls strive to be understood by the world around them and they feel frustrated and alone when they are not and when their needs aren't met. My heart goes out to both of them when they are feeling helpless and can't do anything about their situations due to unfortunate circumstances in their thought or emotional processes. I was always rooting for both Elyn and Ramona as they struggle through their unique disorder that no one else around them has and even as the world sees them as someone spoiled, selfish and constantly blames them for something they can not control. 

"Have you ever killed anyone?' This is what Elyn usually asks anyone she is with when she is about to have an episode. She then proceeds to tell whoever is listening that she has killed thousands with her thoughts. Sometimes she also thinks and says out loud that she is God or that she used to be God. 

According to Elyn, the difference between schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is that schizophrenia is a thought disorder while bipolar disorder is a mood disorder. 

I liked how the author is honest with how she wrote her memoir, not filtering out even the most violent or absurd thoughts she had when she was having episodes, and it was a good thing that the editors did not cut these out as well. I think that for people to understand mental illness, it is essential to be absolutely honest about it so that people going through similar situations may find hope and be encouraged to get the help they need so that they may be able to lead --if not a normal life-- at least a life where they can be happy. The book gives hope to mentally ill people by making them think that like Elyn, they can also find the career, the love, the acceptance and the support that they needed. 

Why Epilogue by Justin Hurwitz is my go-to song when I am sad

If there's only one track I can listen to when I am feeling heartbroken and sad, it has got to be this song. Even 5 years later, I feel every note and melody of this track with undeniable melancholy... A mild wave of sadness that feels its way around you tentatively, and yet wrings your heart with wistful memories of past loves and a pain that never really seem to go away.

When this movie was shown, I watched it with someone I loved whom I did not end up with, much like what happened with the protagonists of the movie. 

It was also a time in my life when I did not feel sure about anything at all: It was the 1st time I moved out and lived on my own and no one helped me move to my new place. My supervisor at work was giving me a hard time. Finally, I was dating a guy I adore who was also dating another girl and I do not know where I stand. 

Shortly after me and the guy I dated separated ways, I remember imagining the two of us dancing to the sad notes of Epilogue slowly, and he would give me one final spin before handing me over to my next dance partner, the next guy I will love. 

Even though I stopped having feelings for him years ago, I started associating the whole Lalaland soundtrack --especially Epilogue-- to feelings of sadness and longing for someone. So should you ever catch me playing this song or any other Lalaland track on Spotify, it means I am feeling quite sad.