I have an artist ex who never drew me for the most part of our time together. It was weird and when he finally did after stressful nagging and pressure from me, the portraits he came up with never looked anything like me at all, unlike portraits of other girls he did which were all impressive and accurate.

One looked like a local actress and another portrait just did not look like me. I pondered this for a time and thought that maybe he doesn't really know me or appreciate me for who I am.

Towards the end of our relationship, finally, he came up with one that looked like me.

Although it was unfinished, it was something he did where finally, I can recognize myself. I can see my sadness in this. Surprisingly, I also recognized myself in another portrait he did shortly after he did my portrait of a well-known celebrity.

I guess it's his way of honoring my contribution to his life and expressing that even though he is now with someone new, he somehow missed me.

I'm 37 years old and I still get puppy love

I will always treasure having met you, "Lito".

Yes, I do. The kind that makes you burst in endless, uncontrollable tears till your eyes get swollen almost shut the next morning the moment he tells you he has a girlfriend on your second date --a date you took careful time to prepare for and dressed your best 'coz he teased you that you looked like "namalengke" on your first date. The kind that fills your tummy with butterflies when you look at his photos or control the urge to hug and kiss him in public 'coz to your infatuated mind, no one else looks quite as breath-takingly, heart-stoppingly, adorably cute as your "baby" --actual babies included.

The same puppy love that makes you send a heartfelt poem about missing someone to him, and telling him to send it to his girlfriend so that they'll patch things up 'coz you just want him to be happy even if it makes your heart wince. The kind that makes you pray for him in church instead of praying for yourself, asking God fervently to always keep him safe, that he gets a good life, good health and everything he's ever hoped for, sending him meditative rays of healing white light in the process because oddly, it just makes more sense for you to ask God to bless him before he blesses you --a first for a fairly selfish person who rarely prays for her self, let alone for others.

It is the puppy love that eradicates all your preconceived notions that men who dates you should pick you up to and from your doorstep at home should they ever want to go out with you, or that you would only agree to go out with them if the place is convenient, say walking distance away from work or home, or at specific public commute stops you pass by on your way home from work and that they should pay for everything always. This type of love makes you illogically book exorbitantly expensive Grab fares to and from your new suburban home to where he wants to chill so you can be with him faster, when you never book a cab anywhere 'coz you'd rather spend money on food. The type that makes you meekly say "OK" when he wants a late night drinking companion when you don't even drink and just the idea of staying up late makes you cranky for reducing precious hours of sleep.

This type of love is when you are just happy being his friend, and you don't ever ask him for anything more. Coz you are at your happiest just to be with him, being near him even as he completely ignores you despite traveling all the distance to see him and chats with someone else on his phone --giving attention to everyone else trying to contact him in his online world but alienating the one right in front of him.

Like any puppy love, the smallest, most inconsequential things fill you up with foolish joy and hope in your heart... You look forward to him asking "San ka?", as it meant you will see him again, to which you will readily reply,"San mo gusto?", signifying your willingness to drop everything to be with him.

It puts a silly grin on your face to watch a Youtube video that declare twin flames are at least 10 years apart (your age gap is 12 years). You also happily recall the time when you are channeling your psychic powers, and you came up with a fair-skinned guy with slanted eyes years before you meet him, same as how you came up with names of two other exes before you met them. 


But despite living in this dream world when you are apart, you know that this is the type of love where you will never pressure him for anything when the two of you are actually together. It's the puppy love that gives you contentment just to kiss him on the cheek whenever you part because you respect him and you never want him to feel awkward or imposed-upon... or that you and he should have a boy-girl intimacy just because one of you likes the other.

It hasn't occurred to you to ever make him wait --your replies, your approval to come with him whenever and wherever.... everything is automatic when it comes to granting wishes for your puppy love because as quoted in your favorite sappy chick flick My Sassy Girl: "Fate is building a bridge of chance for someone you love." So this means no mind games, no wait for 3 hours to reply, no nothing. Just your plain, raw, pure love for him and you ain't afraid to let it be known 'coz you just don't feel like masking it or showing him any other thing apart from what you truly feel for him. 

Your feelings for him are similar to that of a child's when they don't try to hide their delight upon seeing you or they don't hide that they want to play with you nor do they attempt to stop it when their faces light up with bright smiles to show how much they missed you when they haven't seen you for a while.


But maybe puppy loves aren't meant for 37-year-olds. Nor is it meant to be dedicated to 49-year-olds. Maybe it's time that I grow up and fall in love the way proper adults do.