Some people refuse to ride tha bus. I, on tha otha hand, luv to ride tha bus more than any other vehicle. It reminds me of past field trips wit ma ‘mates as a child. Of Planetarium and tour guides and Chiz Curls and Hi-C’s and good-natured classmates who share their baons wit me. Last night as we were goin’ home in a G-Liner amidst torrential rain, it cross’d ma mind that tha bus could slip and overturn and kill us all. Some months ago, a friend met an accident on his way home ridin’ a bus. They hafta chop off his long hair cuz of tha blood clot in his head, and hafta attend our graduation in a wheelchair. He can walk now although too much walkin’ can still hurt his feet. And still I luv tha bus. Will sumthin’ ever disillusion me from ridin’ tha bus?
***
Since we were out yesterday, some of our boarders were probably devastated that they diden git to watch their fave TV series. I can almost imagine em furiously banging on our door ‘round 5:30 pm.. [”Ate Yolie, huwag po kayong madamot! Panood kami kay Dao Ming Si…!!!”] Possibly tha same time I wuz weighin’ out tha option of buyin’ a bag, a blouse, a bracelet, & a pair of jeans while listenin’ to tha tiangge vendors patronize their previous foreign customers. [I guess pokin’ fun at are wut foreigners are for.] Anyway, I kinda don’t blame tha boarders fo’ bein’ devastated as they were. I mean, I do git lessons from that Chinese TV series. And these are…
A] More often than not, we start a relationship wit someone whom we don’t really love. [e.g.: Shancai]
B] Broken-hearted people are blind to brighter better loves. [e.g.: Lei to Shancai and Shancai to Lei later on when Dao doesn’t want anything to do wit her no more.]
…to name juz two.
***
Ans tha quote of tha week comes from he who appreciates tha beauty of God's creations. He said: "A lit cigarette is a good effort. But effort beats its own."

1234 Sesame st.
Bakanteng Lote
Phils.

zzz@inspiredworkers.com
June 22, 2003

Future Employer
Private Publications
1018th f Team Bldg.
Asenso st. corner Tangingyaman ave.
Makati

Dear Sir or Madam:

Please employ me. Ma career path has alwez been to work wit you. Even now, I can see ma end in yer respective company. I totally believe that The Daily Tirades is better but I have better chances of hiring here. yer company is numero uno. I have alwez been responsible & career-oriented. Even at tha young age of 2, ma folks had alwez remark’d on how clean ma diaper’d be at tha end of tha day. You can try to put me in tha editorial jobs, or writing jobs, or tha filing jobs, or pickin’-up-paperclip-jobs, or you can put me in tha magazine cover. Eventually, y’all shall find tha right job for me. I mean, I must be good fo’ sumthin’, right? Of course, I prefer bein’ paid, if you will, sir/madam. But I also accept freebies accumulated from press events. Compared to otha aspiring bums, I cud say that ma need fo’ tis job is really strong. I am not supporting any children –present or upcoming- yet but ma material demands are juz as strong as any child’s. mebbe becuz I am still a child ma’self. And, one more thang: I have no Life right now. So I will show up for ma interview.
P.S.:
If you could not employ me, can you please write a nice recommendation for me to Tha Daily Tirades?


Slave-ishly Yours,
S.V.T.S.

Butch-er’d in Quiapo
It happen’d in National bookstore, on tha third floor where reviewers for all sorts of exams could be found. When I approach’d tha area, only one otha gurl can be seen browsin’ through tha civil service exam reviewers. She wuz a bit taller and had long slightly curly hair which she wore loose around her shoulders. I wuz payin’ no heed to her til she struck up conversation wit me. She ask’d if I wuz gonna take tha exam too. She also ask’d where I went to school & wut I had taken up. She had taken up Mass Communications in C.E.U. Tha last queschn she ask’d wuz whether I wuz thinkin’ of buyin’ any of tha civil exam reviewers on tha rack. I wuz about to answer when sumthin’ freaky happen’d. For wut felt like three minutes, she came close and press’d tha front side of her body against ma left side while whisperin’ sumthin in ma ear. For a stranger, it really felt freaky, uncall’d for & intimate. I can’t see why she hafta come close when she cuda whisper’d in ma ear witout touchin’ me. And wut she said wuzn’t even worth whisperin’ about. I don’t see any conspiracy in her suggeschn that we buy diff’rent reviewers then photocopy tha other one’s later on. I made ma escape by sayin’ that I hafta go & look for sumthin else in tha store. Afterwards, it made me think: Do I look like a butch? Mukha ba akong tibo? Assessing ma appearance that day, I had on an olive green military polo blouse, ordinary jeans and high loafers, and I have really short hair and no make-up. That makes me look like a butch? I look’d pretty normal to me. She really felt like a dyke to me but who knows? Mebbe shez juz an annoying space-invader. Wacha think, p.?

Fin’lly learn’d how to download mp3’s!
And tha first two songs downloaded were…

***
Rememberin’ Ashley
In tha past, gurlfriends had alwez come to me when they wanna know if their boyfriends are true-blue. They wanted me to hit on their boyfriends to test em. I’d text em or call em on tha phone tryin’ to git em to hit back on me & make em commit adultery to ma pal, their gurlfriends. Tha goal, of course, wuz to try to git em to like me, or hear em deny tha existence of their girlfriends, or git em to do any otha slight acts that veer towards infidelity. In all those occasions, I’ve alwez introduced ma’self as Ashley. I alwez used Ashley when I don’t wanna reveal ma real name. As a young gurl, Ashley used to be ma fave name. I used to wish I wuz named Ashley. As I grew a bit, I consoled ma’self for not bein’ call’d Ashley by promisin’ ma’self to name ma first daughter Ashley. I used to luv comin’ up wit names for future daughters but Ashley had alwez been ma top pick. However, as some thangs change, I’ve found that I don’t have tha same fondness for tha name Ashley as before & I can’t see ma’self wit a daughter named Ashley in tha future anymore. Now, I like Niggella and Dior Mitzi. I’m still stump’d on boys’ names.

You look like you just lost your best friend. I did.
***
Bum thought No. 96: Bein’ a bum is tryin’ to remember whose day off it is so that ye may take a break from overfeedin’ yo’self & tha poor bloaten’d up pet fishes, and inflict yo’self instead upon that poor fella.
***
I hate shoppin’ wit any’un. If I have ma way, I’d shop alone. But I don’t so it’s either I alwez hafta wait fo’ ma maver to catch up wit me while she takes small, leisurely steps, or I’ll hafta silently suffer in agony while she looks at every pieca silverware or otha thangs she shops for w/c are of no interest to me, or she’ll hafta endure while I linger on books or gurly thangs like bags & accessories w/c are of no importance to her. But shez nuthin’ compared to paver. Paver is tha worst. He’ll alwez go “You should be grateful I even let you tag along!” And if I tell him I need new clothes to wear to some function? His forehead wud crinkle and his brows wud come together and he’d look like Tha World’s Grumpiest Hag before tellin’ me that I have exactly 30 minutes or “isang ikot lang” to find new clothes. And if I stop to look at accessories, he’ll cluck his tongue once real loud then hurry off in big, fast strides in a mock method of leavin’ me –but of course, he won’t. He never leaves me. So shopping is really impossible wit him. At least, maver is more agreeable and easier to escape/lose. And she only gits praning when I stray for an hour from her line of vision. But of course, I’d still rather shop alone. Lotsa times I’ve come home wit ugly purchases due to their rushing. And I also don’t wanna burden em anymore by draggin’ em to tha mall when they’d rather be home doin sumthin’ else. Plus I hate it when maver breaks her promises to go shoppin’ wit me. And so tha last two days wuz spent in an attempt to escape tha impossible duo & be able to shop alone.
Attempt 1:
Saturday -I got set to go in ma three-fourths army fatigue blouse & ma high, made for baha rainy-day-shoes. I reach’d our gate when I remember’d that I have vague knowledge of gettin’ where I wanna go, so I ask’d friends who had been to ma house how I could git to Quiapo from ma place. Then I thought of goin’ back upstairs to wait out their reply, but soon as I step’d in tha house, maver met me & grabb’d ma bag & won’t let go. T’wuz a new bag & she look’d set on destroyin it so I let her have it. I diden expect her to run to her room wit it, lock her door, and sleep wit it. She did. Later on, she promis’d we’ll go tomorrow.
Attempt 2:
Sunday -I diden actually expect her to stick to her promise. I wuz right. Right after lunch, she went to sleep again. Since I diden actually git to go out wit yesterday’s clothes, I decided to wear tha same thang. Then I call’d a pal for directions. Anong sasakyan papuntang Quiapo mula samin? As I don’t want tha folks to call every’un in ma phonebook when they wake up, I woke maver up before goin’ to tell her where I’m goin’. At tha gate, it occurr’d to me that I forgot to bring an umbrella & I hate gettin’ wet. Shud have left ma bag right there at tha gate, right? I did not. She got hold of ma bag. Again.
Today, I woke up early, menstrual and wit a list of reasons for maver on why they shud be permittin’ me out on ma own at 21. I know I cud run off wit any man anytime I want. I’m long past tha minor age. Ain’t she glad I’m seekin’ their permission? As usual, words fell on deaf ears. An hour or so later, she motion’d me to come in her room. She gave me bribe. It wuz a thousand bucks. Same amount of money I lost 3 weeks ago. As tight as money might come to me. it diden make me feel any betr. On tha contrary, it made me feel sadder. Menstrual, best friend-less, untrusted, but 1000 bucks richer. Me.

Gez who's got a crush on a certain chinovela character?




Ang kyuuuuuut..!!!

Why do I git tha feeling that whereas maver has been supportive & insistent that I git a job [Her arm automatically extends a classified to me every time I turn to her & keeps reminding me ‘bout her promise to take me on a shopping spree soon as I land a job.], paver seem to object to it?
Look at yesterday’s conversation:
paver: “Di ba meron namang nagtatrabaho lang sa bahay? Yung kumikita ng malaki sa internet? Bat di ka don pumasok?” Balita ko…”
me [cutting him off]: “Ayoko, ayoko, ayokoooooo…!!!!!”
paver: “Tingnan mo ‘to, walang kumbenyo! Tapos kapag nakarinig naman sa kaklase ng ganon, chaka tutulad.”
me: “Ayoko nga eh! Ayoko sa bahay, ayoko sa bahay, ayoko sa bahay!!!”
paver: “Bahala ka..”
Actually, he also wants me to work. In fact I have two options. I can:
Option 1: work at home.
Option 2: work somewhere in tha neighborhood.
***
Tha Unbelievable Hog
ABS-CBN is such an unbelievable hog. Sumtyms I juz wanna bite those peepz responsible fo’ comin up wit diff’rent ploys to make us sit thru out their commercial ads. Here are some of their low tactics:
A] In Ukay-Ukay, they give out tha lucky number then make tha callers wait thru several ads & portions before fin’lly askin’ tha viewers to call in wit tha right number –makin’ tha callers suffer thrice thru a] havin’ to wait and watch b] tryin’ to git thru tha busy hotline c] losin’ after all tha sufferings & pain.
B] Regardless of tha program, they trick ya into thinking that there’s still more to watch [when in fact tha program already ended] by not sayin’ goodbye. I have watch’d numerous Charmed [at studio23] episodes before wherein they make ya wait thru long commercials only to come back wit tha rolling of tha credits. Then, today at Morning Girls, as Kris wuz promisin’ to be back after tha ads, Korina, probably piss’d that Kris alwez gits to say tha last word in, interrupted and said that she is, in fact, sure tha they won’t be coming back. After which a mini argument ensued between them.
C] They trick Meteor Garden [there, I’ve said it. wonder how much traffic it’ll generate fo’ tis site.] fans. In TV Patrol, they come up wit Meteor Garden daily trivia and tell tha viewers that tha Meteor Garden trivia will come right after tha 1st commercial break, then break that vow and then promise tha same thang to tha viewers again before tha 2nd, 3rd, and 4th commercial breaks roll. Till fin’lly, ya realize that tha whole time; they were in fact planning to show it AT THA END OF THE SHOW.

Beware of tha identity taker a.k.a tha garbage man. Buy a paper shredder.
Some people just throw their trash away witout second thoughts. Y’all shud know bet’r. Old test papers, documents, claim’d receipts, & anythin’ else that has yer name, address, phone number, or any otha personal info shud be carefully ripp’d across into teeny tiny bits before disposal. Or I suggest ya purchase an effective paper shredder. Tha inventors of tha paper shredder, my kumares & kumpares, are not witout purpose. Ya never know today might juz be tha day when tha garbage collector will break into his routine, decide to take yer identity and take over yer life.
***
Eek! Git that terrible animal away from me!
I am pro-‘roach killing. All ma life I have plotted cockroach genocide, urging housemates to be murderers and stomping on a few microscopic crawlers ma’self. Ma deep loathing springs from a deep fear for em so that I have develop’d a heighten’d sense for their presence. I cud be snorin’ thru tha night & still be able to wake up, turn on tha lights, and find a wretched ipis at some far end of tha room. I can even hear it walkin’ around. Tha roach knows I can only step on tha little ones. It wud display itself insolently to me, scamperin to and fro several times before maneuverin’ wisely under a cabinet once ma maver, tha real threat to its existence, is fetch’d from anotha room. Last night, there wuz lots of em around, even 3 in a room at a time. They were appearin’ everwhere so I decided to take precautionary measures. First thang I did wuz to git a glass of scalding water for cockroach scalding before entering tha cockroach realm/our kitchen. I wuz just smiling upon ma own brilliantness when I came face to face wit a big roach, causin’ me to jerk away & hastily flick ma wrist over and scald ma mum -who wuz sleepin’ on tha couch near tha kitchen. Good thang I did not spill tha whole content of tha glass on her. And I only got her leg.
Ma other cockroach precautionary measures for tha rest of tha night include:
1] Hunting for holes in house corners [I found only one hole] and wedging it wit newspaper chunks to prevent any cockroach emergence.
2] Pouring scalding water over bathroom & toilet drains for tha same reason.
3] Scaling tha heights of ma room’s ceiling-high windows to wedge newspaper chunks over tha holes to prevent a cockroach fly-in.
4] Puttin’ packaging tape at tha base of ma room’s door and cramming rags under any space still left so that no ‘roach cud squeeze under ma door and poke its ugly head at me.

How come I never git thru tha damn Ukay-Ukay hotline?
***
Wut’z worse than a night spent standin’ in tha middle of Cubao tryin to hail cabs that are in as much hurry to go home as you are? Answer: Yer mum beside you havin tha worst LSS case of tha “Spaghetti Pababa” song.

Bold or Innocent?
Wut is so horrendous about gettin’ pregnant witout a husband again? Tha revelation of a person’s boldness to have sex or tha astonishment at that person’s innocence for havin’ unprotected sex?