Only security can tame me.

So I keep on takin’
And no I ain’t taken
We can keep on datin’
I keep on demonstrating
-Fergie, B.E.P.

rly rly hate it when am tryin to access some site and tha internet optimizer appears. grr!

HaPpY bIrThDaY tO mA Gr3y5h33p!

for Em Thoebe

It ain’t no joke wut I go through every day juz to see Em. Here are some facts in those two hours.

1. It takes 3 rides: 2 rock-a-bye jeep and 1 backslap bus -“rock-a-bye” coz I’ve never ridden a jeep witout bein’ shook @least a few thousand times and jeepney rides alwez make me sleepy [prolly tha very reason why babies are rock’d to sleep]; and “backslap” coz tha short ride I take from Boni to Guadalupe on wooden-seated buses causes passengers’ backs to collide wit them hard wooden back’d seats when tha bus suddenly lurches forward [now, who’d fall asleep wit that?]
2. Tha Boni Kaliwa jeep takes longer than tha Boni Derecho jeep.
3. On tha left side of tha Kalentong street, a cerebral palsic boy about 8 years of age can be found simultaneously smoothin’ out his hair and makin’ faces while facin’ tha streets as if in front of an imaginary mirror.
4. Tha more I walk, tha more I wanna sleep. I walk from ma place to where tha Boni jeeps pass, from where it parks out to where buses pass, up tha double-staired overpass and down & then half a block, and finally from tha tent, git off, say hello to a string of resto’s, check ma reflection @ tha last mirror-walled one, cross a li’l puddle of mud that never disappears regardless of tha weather, before finally meeting Em. [Once in tha middle of stairclimbing, I stopp’d and tried to teleport self to Em. Dden work.:c]

*Shoe fatalities & casualties: ma sneaks whose back strap had snapp’d, ma pointy black mule who divorc’d its heel, and mum’s sandals whose strap came unglued twice, plus cuts & scratches on tha othr survivors.

Kno wen I us’d to work In tha government workplace & everyone’s hellish &horrible? Well I’ve made tis one great pal Jelai who works as a clerk @ tha Vice Mayor’s Office & whos prolly tha most selfless generous creature on earth. She alwez splits everythin wit me even when has very little to give & makes me laugh wit her way of dealin wit peepz & her English. Simply put, she rox! Here she is chattin wit me on Y!M wen I jokingly told her I’m selling self to earn moolah.

gelai_0106: take out your clothes
gelai_0106: hahaha
gelai_0106: ur price is kinda cheap
gelai_0106: u belong to 1 million onlt
gelai_0106: i love you best
gelai_0106: ako nalang bibili sau
gelai_0106: para hindi ka mapunta sa bad
gelai_0106: in me ill take care of you always like what I do to myself
gelai_0106: i will put u on a pedestal so that’s y nothing can harm you
gelai_0106: k naba yun
gelai_0106: ano papabili kapa ba?
gelai_0106: wer do u put tha money?
gelai_0106: after buying you
gelai_0106: in a piggy bank?
gelai_0106: =)
gelai_0106: u make me smile
gelai_0106: ur so funy ha
gelai_0106: daaaaaaaah
gelai_0106:
BUZZ!!!!
gelai_0106: heler
gelai_0106: harlem nalang kaya
gelai_0106: harlem
gelai_0106: its time for me to say bye
gelai_0106: i love you best ur such a one of a kind
gelai_0106: always pray ha trust god
gelai_0106: don’t feel angry if somebody wants u down
gelai_0106: believe in ur self and faith
gelai_0106: love family ur friends
gelai_0106: keep on chatting
gelai_0106: ill miss you always
gelai_0106: always remember that im here for you
gelai_0106: hope you wont change
gelai_0106: cause I like the way you are
gelai_0106: till here
gelai_0106: jelay is signing out
gelai_0106: bye:-h
gelai_0106: miss u bestfrend
gelai_0106: thanks for always there for me
gelai_0106: pagpalain ka sana ng diyos
gelai_0106: wish you all the best
gelai_0106: there is no better way to tellyou
gelai_0106: i
gelai_0106: love
gelai_0106: you
gelai_0106: best
gelai_0106: frend
gelai_0106: you
gelai_0106: mean
gelai_0106: the
gelai_0106: world
gelai_0106: to
gelai_0106: me
gelai_0106: may
gelai_0106: all
gelai_0106: your
gelai_0106: dreams
gelai_0106: come
gelai_0106: true
gelai_0106: gudluck
gelai_0106: take care
gelai_0106: ur
gelai_0106: frend
gelai_0106: jelay
gelai_0106: here
gelai_0106: bye:-h

Y'all, some church in Illinois juz profess'd a weird following for yours truly...

NO THANKS EH? Tha unexpress’d need fo’ sumthin in fear of misconceptions by other people [e.g., weakling, somebody who cares, human, etc.] eventually ripens into an ugly state of desperateness sooner or later. And when ya hafta shout jz to be heard and yer pride has estranged ye from all… it ain’t too pretty, is it?

Been keepin’ things private lately… ;-)

I just had lunch brought over to me in tha O. I feel like a craving pregnant woman whose every whim must be followed! And that's exactly how a bratinella like me want it to be! ;-)

Take me as you are,
Push me off the road.
The sadness,
I need this time to be with you.

I'm freezing in the sun,
I'm burning in the rain.
The silence, i'm screaming,
Calling out your name.

*And i do reside in the heat.
Put out the fire with me and find.
Yeah you'll lose the side of your circles.
That's what i'll do if we say goodbye.

**To be is all i gotta be
And all that i see,
And all that i need this time.
To me the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight.

The calmness in your face,
That i see through the night.
The warmth of your light is pressing unto us.
You didn't ask me why,
I never would have known oblivion is falling down.

If you could only know me like your prayers at night
Then everything between you and me will be all
Right.

She's already taken,
She's already taken,
She's already taken me.
She's already taken,
She's already taken,
She's already taken me.
The day you said goodnight.

-->Hale

Usually the first time I go to a place, face to face with people I barely know, I feel an immense loneliness. I see myself reflected in the glass of the window while black gloom spread over me. I am tied by blood to no creature in this world. I could go anywhere, do anything. It's dizzying. Suddenly, to see that the world so large, the cosmos so black, the unbounded fascination of it, the unbounded loneliness… these days, I'm feeling it with these hands, these eyes. I’ve been looking at the world half-blind. –Banana Yoshimoto

Simple Plan gets Complicated!

Who sat [or shall I say, stood] on the three thousand peso seating slot last Thursday courtesy of last minute free miracle passes acquired through tha right attitude, the right charm, and the right friends! ;-)
***
Since S.P. sound and lewk juz like otha bands in tha same genre [Hoobastank, Sum41, Blink 182, Greenday], some S.P. songs naturally sound juz like some otha bands' songs. Juz like...

1. S.P.’s ‘I’m Just A Kid’ and Sum41’s ‘In Too Deep’
I’m just a kid …and am tryin’ to keep up above my head instead of goin’ under…
2. S.P.’s ‘I’d Do Anything’ and Blink 182’s ‘All The Small Things’
I’ d do anything… truth care, truth brings...

Tha best & worst local overpasses
By Expert Commuter 5h1n3!

Best: Tha Raon one in Quiapo.
-very small staircase steps [anti-fatigue], minimal to zero beggar encounters, and shady too!

Worst: Guadalupe bridge in EDSA Guadalupe
-illogical double staircases [both fatigue-provoker & heights-phobia aggravator], tha most litter-infested, filthiest, most ancient staircases eroded by time [stepping on an uneven half-gone footing is not unusual]
Runner-up: Boni MRT bridge [specifically tha stairs]
-same eroded down problem, like somethin’has been gnawin’ down & snackin’ on tha steps [definitely not stiletto-friendly]

The author is a resident pedestrian as well as a slippers-to-work believer who has started commuting about a year and a half ago to this day.

Belated happy birthday to ma ex-boyfriend. You’ve survived me afterall. Haha.
***
You’ve got first dibs on me, you lucky thang, you. You have dispersed all focus I had on tha other tha mo’ I knew I had a chance wit you. I did not care having blown tha other off along wit security, stability, etc. I guess I juz don’t settle fo’ anythang that duzen have ma heart in it.
***
Tha one who loves you or tha one you love?
‘Can I git back to you again? I hafta ask both of em first …that way I can choose tha one who’ll choose me.’ ;-)
***
A friend whom anotha friend & me agreed on as skilled in his capacity to ‘say tha right things @ tha right time’ ask’d wut ma biggest turn-on is. Thinking physically, I had a hard time coming up wit an answer –I had liked both narrow & round-eyed, thin & chubby, tall & short, and fair & dark males tho’ I veer towards fair lads in younger years [Ricky Martin bein ma first crush]. Mentally, I have tis theory that every’un juz want someone to equalize their weaknesses –someone who will fill up their inadequacies and somehow be answers to tha problems they have about themselves. Prolly, a loser will want someone who’ll make him feel like a winner, a bossy person someone who’ll boss him around fo’ a change, etc. If it sez anything bout me, I want someone appreciative and persistent. Who won’t feel too secure in ma love, he’ll neglect/cheat on me. I used to think thoughtful is enuf. Now I kno that to carry out thoughtful deeds, a person has got to have tha drive. Laziness duzen cut it fo’ me pala. Lazy = too lazy to apologize, too lazy to fight fo’ me, too lazy to make tha relationship work, too lazy to git to kno me & start all over again [if he’s sore from anotha relationship], etc.

When I’m in a chatty mood, I talk wit every’un & any’un… guards, babies, jeepney drivers, peepz stuck in long lines wit me, package counter men [Ma friend here’s name is Shoplifter, does that make her punishable by law?], close friends’ brothers, etc. If people aren’t so lucky, tha journalist in me will even push me to interrogate these strangers to tha utter embarrassment of friends nearby… finding out if salesladies hide last pairs of shoes on sale if they really like em [like Sophia in tha Shoppaholic series] and wut punishment awaits a certain guard should he decide to switch tha channel of tha lobby TV in a TV Network company. Sometimes boys don’t git I’m born inquisitive & prone to cheerful babbling regardless of anyone. Prolly think I take special interest in em. Like a close friend’s brother whom I got to talkin on tha fon instead when ma pal ain’t home. And he got to callin’ w/c was fine wit me. On his third call he’s askin for a date –a friendly date, he stress’d, tryin’ to convince me to come as reference has already been made of tha magic word ‘boyfriend’ in our first conversation [a habit I’ve acquired since findin’ out that sayin it shrivels away unwanted prospects]. And then wanting to be a male concubine, not caring bout tha ‘boyfriend’. And then pesterin’ fo’ a date, so much so that tha times he call’d are spent solely on gettin’me to go that, ma patience havin’ been stretch’d to its limit, I say sumthin to him sort of like someone telling a child there’s no Santa Claus. So in a moment of guilt, I agreed to a date tha following month. Only I did not feel like talkin to him or seein him or bein’ nice to him anymore which thankfully he must’ve sensed since he stopp’d callin. And then he call’d again first day of tha next month juz to collect his ‘date’ which I really had no patience for. Morale of tha story: I have no patience for impatient peepz most spesh selfish peepz who base their every act on its corresponding gains. [Somehow I got to thinking he is that kinda person]

“Your eyeshadow’s darker on tha left.”
That’s because I’ve no eyeshadow on tha right.
“Huh?”
Crazymetalpipesonthabackofatruckdriversfault reallystoppinlikeitdidwhilstIwaslukintothari ghtwhereoncomingvehiclesarethereshudbesomela wforcartingvehiclescarryinstuffthatoverlapst
heircontainers

Everytime sum1 asks me wut ma ideal mate is, I alwez say tha same thing -that he would be sum1 constantly miss’d by me that, even at tha age of ninety when we wud’ve been tired of each otha, I’ll fret & totally be upset when for 5 minutes he disappears from ma sight even as he juz goes for nganga from a corner store.

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present, you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.
->Rainer Maria Rilke

A friend flyin’ in from tha States 6AM tomorrow morn fo’ ma birthday... We gon' pahty like it’s ma boithday! ;-)

Boyfriend schmoyfriend
Except for really close friends, every’un always git tha crazy notion that I have a boyfriend. People would go “Swerte naman ng boyfriend mo!”, “Buti di nagagalit boyfriend mo!” [when I’d do sumthin bad], or: “Nasaan boyfriend mo?” witout askin first if a boyfriend really does exist. And when wit a straight face I’ll tell em that no, I do not have one, they’ll go, “Huu, ikaw pa!” as if I was born in tis world for tha purpose of havin’ boyfriends. Even church ministers would take one skeptical look at me then proceed to lecture me on the evils of having a boyfriend outside tha religion at our first meeting. So since no one believes me anyway, I’ve learn’d to give answers to their queschns depending on ma mood. Ma boyfriend lives in tha neighborhood. Or he lives far away. Boyfriend and me are to meet for a secret tryst when I’m seen goin home early. Seein each otha is bad for tha relationship. [on why they never see tha elusive boyfriend] I am actually getting’ hitch’d wit tha boyfriend y’all have created for me. [why I was leavin ma last place of employment before current bumhood.] And am havin his child. When I tire of a boyfriend, sometimes I have a girlfriend.
***
Earliest birthday memory
I was standing fo’ tha longest time in front of our house’s window wit maver right behind me, her arms round ma shoulders. ‘Twas ma third b-day and about 4PM already and we were getting cold from tha wind. When it became clear that no one was comin’, she pull’d me close and kiss’d me, apologetic that her li’l gurl wasn’t having guests @ her party. I was fine until she did tis. Then I thought of all ma fave food [espasol among otha things], tha fancy utensils, and tha colorful party napkins she prepared and felt sorry for her, for feelin guilty @ failin’ to give me guests and how she wanted so much to make me happy but there she was behind me unhappy. A guest did came later… scrawny puny Igi-boy who was barely two and lives just across from us -ma only guest brought over by his mother
***

I pray that tha next job will have tha weekends off juz like ma 2 previous jobs so I may still have fo’ ma’self 2 days of shopping, reminding ma friends I’m still part of their lives, breakin ma’self away from monotonous work-related hoopla, and otha stuff to accomplish which shuden be look’d back upon wistfully by tha end of tha year fo’ not bein’ dun. I pray that tha next job will have tha last one’s gewd pay so I can once again have sumthin to wipe out. I pray that tha next job will have tha first one’s DSL Internet connection witout firewalls on any site [mp3’s, any1?]. I pray that tha next job will be one ride away like tha last one. I pray that tha next job will gimme ma own direct line juz like tha first one. I pray that tha next job comes quick.

L.S.S. [Last Song Syndrome] of tha week:

If your status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for him
Betta be street if he lookin' at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Known to carry big things
If you know what I mean
If your status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for him
Betta be street if he looking at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Gotta know to get dough
And he betta be street

I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
They wanna take care of me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind takin one for me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
They wanna spend that on me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind puttin that on me (Where they at)
-->Soldier by Destiny's Child