Meeting When It's Over But You Didn't Know It

I asked him to meet me so we can talk if for the last time in person cause I didn’t want to allow him to leave me with our last communication being coursed through an effing cellular phone. He was already dissing me, not replying to my chat messages when I was scheduling our final date and then suddenly texting to say the date is on, only to make me wait for him for 2 hours before standing me up. He asked to reschedule the date to next day at the last minute. My friends told me not to go anymore but I was stubborn. I wanted to experience for myself his Unbelievable Rudeness in person.

At the mall where we’re supposed to meet, I sat waiting for him and fidgeted nervously at a corner in Powerbooks while being surrounded by hundreds of books I’ve randomly picked which sat unopened. He texted me that he was hungry so he will just grab a bite to eat first. Stunned by the fact that I must have been horrendous enough not to be even allowed to eat with him, I snapped at him to hurry eating as I had been waiting too long for him already [actually I just got there myself but the 2-hour waiting period of the previous day was still stinging in my memory], before trying to think about what to do next and where I can eat alone without him spotting me. It suddenly occurred to me that he might still see me walk miserably from Powerbooks to the place where I’m gonna eat, and as it suddenly became my goal to not be seen by him before we see each other, I just decided to stay put, opened my bag, and got out a cupcake whose contents I quickly crammed into my mouth. I was really ravenous with hunger but if he doesn’t want to eat with me, then I rationalized that I better feed myself with whatever’s available in my bag before we meet.

I could not wait any longer pretending to be interested in books of various topics and sizes in Powerbooks while going insane with wonder if he still likes me or not, and asked him if he’s done eating. Turned out he had just decided on a place to eat. When I arrived at the restaurant, he had just started eating. He had ordered beer with his pizza. I had already promised myself not to touch his food out of the indignity of him not wanting to eat with me. But my EQ –especially when it comes to food and shopping– has always failed me so I reluctantly ate the pizza he served me on my plate. As expected, we did not talk about the problem and our source of falling out, but just made small talk about anything but. I figured the happy ambiance of the family restaurant would not sit well with our talk anyway, so I decided to talk to him after eating.

I noticed how incredibly thin he’s gotten since I last saw him. I unhappily noticed the space between us as we walked out of the happy family restaurant. I twitched with hope when he shifted the take-out bag he was carrying from the hand closest to me to the other hand, as if to free his hand to hold mine. My face fell when he did not.

I took him to the park to talk, where I thought the darkness would blend well with the heaviness of our feelings. Where he told me he had never been so angry in his life as he had been for the last two weeks because of a question I have asked. I took heart and poured out some of my emotions at him, which I had been doling out in measured quantity, cautiously telling him how he hurt me with his actions without scaring him by divulging how much he really meant to me. I looked at him sitting across me casually and tears fell from my face at how cruel and cold the only man in the world I loved had gotten to me –how he stood me up the previous day, and how he did not want to eat dinner with me, and how he sat there tolerating my tears without doing anything. As I sat there thinking how-could-he thoughts and sorting out my misguided emotions for him, he got bored in the silence, promptly stood up, and looked at me, signaling the end of our conversation and the end of the night. I walked with him outside the park absent-mindedly still thinking about unresolved things between us, before realizing that I had been walking the WRONG PATH home and that he had no plans to see me off at my jeep stop and that’s why we were walking on HIS path home. We both stopped and looked at each other when I realized this and I righted my path and went on drearily home. At home he texted me to ask if I got home ok. But I know it was just out of courtesy and that it didn’t mean anything. Goddamn right will it ever mean anything.

First Yoga Experience

My friend Bogart enlisted me to attend a yoga class today. As we were running late 'coz I can't stop from stuffing myself with choco mousse and fried chicken at home, we briskly walked 3 blocks to the yoga place [which was said to be NEAR the MRT station but apparently NOT] under the 3pm sun AND briskly climbed three flights of stairs. Arriving to learn that the class had already started, we briskly changed into our yoga clothes and -with blood still pumping from so much brisk activities- went straight to the head-on-the-floor, ass-to-the-ceiling pose we found everyone in when we opened the magical door.

At first the sound of the yoga instructor's soft, melodic telephone-operatic voice slowly delivering commands soothed me. [Very relaxing and hypnotic indeed!] But as the activities got more intense, and without even having a moment to catch my breath from the mad dash to the place and not having the guts to excuse myself and leave the group for fear of earning collective looks of disgust from the group, I was just confined to thinking these thoughts while executing one yoga exercise after another:

1. Why am I being exhausted like this?
2. Until when will this go on?
3. What have I done and why am I being punished this way?
4. Why?
5. Blessed are the persecuted for theirs are the kingdom of heaven.
6. Sob.


Still, there are also not-so-bad moments. These are:

1. When the group arrived at the point where we were standing on our heads while our asses face the sky. --I was distracted and was calmed for a while by the image of our huge upside down heads in the mirror connected to our not-as-prominent bodies like we were freaks of some sort. Shit! If a photographer took a picture in this angle, it would be a hit! I remembered thinking while still being fascinated by the sight of our upside down heads in the mirror. Except will he also need to execute a head stand to be able to get the perfect shot?

2. When asked to lie flat down & close our eyes --I took a nap.

Lessons Learned:
1. Come early to yoga class. [To allow time for catching breath for climbing 3 flights of stairs and walking 3 blocks]
2. Bring tight neck-lined clothing. [As I wore a loose shirt with loose neck line, I had been flashing so much during the feet-to-the-floor exercises, I should have just yogaed in my bra.]
3. Bring own stuff. [The belt the club lent me for stretching smelled like feet!]
4. Consider the time of the day and the abundance of the sun's rays before walking anywhere.

Today in Glorietta, I was spending time alone when I saw a stuffed toy frog outside a toy store which made me stop and look. It reminded me of all the frog things I used to give someone special to me. [My pet name for him was “froggy”.] I held both the stuffed frog’s two hands, looked at its plastic eyes, squeezed one gently, and watched its tummy light up with words, then squeezed the other one too for good measure. I turned away from the frog before it lighted up again and hurried away from the store, lest it brings back tears and memories of a very special person. When I went home, I was unable to sleep, looked at the date and remembered its significance. Happy 10-10-10, Chris. Will you remember this day and think of the day when I first had a boyfriend? In 2 months, you will have your eternity without me. I hope it is as happy as we planned.

Despicable Me: a movie review

Despicable Me is an animated movie about Gru, a character who reminds me of Mc Donald's Burglar because of their similar striped wear and common villainry.

It features Gru's minions who are dead ringers for the Bananas In Pajamas and Doctor Nefario who reminds me of Krang.. and of a potato.

Actually both the minions and Dr. Nefario remind me of potatoes. And the stubbly growth of hair atop their heads is a constant distraction for me all throughout the movie. Kind of like grassheads na ewan.

The three children don't remind me of anyone or of bananas, potatoes or any other fruits and vegetables. Except for the outfit of the problem/middle child in striped lavender which reminds me of a Hi-C grape tetrapack.

The movie is a "go awww" movie [which I am fond of lately due to this getting old stage of my life] for invoking wanting to be a parent emotions and having mushy-wushy sentimental parent-kid moments, punctuated every now and then by Gru's young competition, Vector the villain's "OH YEAAAAAH!"

Another key moment is when the youngest child, happy at receiving the stuffed unicorn toy of her dreams, said "IT'S SO FLUFFY!" in a deep, gravelly big voice unfit for her. My movie mate said the little girl even did a humping motion along with the line delivery but I did not catch that.

As with any animated movies, it features a falling down exhilarating moment that is so hard to shoot in real life movies, and with Despicable Me the animated-movie exhilarating moment came during the roller coaster ride the villain dad took with his kids.

The movie -despite the "go awww" feel- did not make me cry. Did I, PIC?? Did I..?!!
Since there was no chance for my Short Attention Span to kick in so I may throw tantrums at the movie-house and share my opinions to the whole row, I say Despicable Me is still a better movie than 2012 -my ultimate gauge for movies if it's passable or not.

There is no marriage proposal, no wearing of the perfect bridal gown, no exchange of vows, no releasing of doves, no toasting to the couple. All of these fancy preparations wouldn’t happen anymore. These thoughts flashed quickly in Juliet’s head as she lie in bed after giving herself completely to the man lying next to her. This has been it. Her Honeymoon. Tears poured down silently from her eyes as she cried for the conservativity she broke. She cried for the childhood dreams she may have deprived herself. She cried for all the ridiculous fuss and expensive she-bang she suddenly has denied herself. She mourned for her low EQ and for taking the marshmallow when she could have been given more later on. But most of all, she cried for letting herself be with a man whom she know in her heart do not and will not be able to give his heart to her. She knew this even before, and she does not understand herself for still going on. And all she can do is to kiss his closed eyes as he sleeps next to her. Goodnight, Husband.

The Incurable Itch

Last Saturday, I noticed some red blotches on my right thigh and leg which itches a bit so I put Katinko green balm on it. It didn’t seem to relieve the itchiness so on top of the Katinko, I put some white balm with Chinese characters I found on my parents’ dresser –which didn’t help either, then put some baby powder on top of it, then put some more Katinko to at least give the skin a cool feeling, then went to sleep half scratching it and reaching for my disk of green balm to put more on it.
The next day, my leg was feeling very very irritated and no less itchy than the previous day but we have to go to church so I went to church with an itchy irritated leg.

All throughout the service, I was alternately scratching my leg, sighing, and hiking my skirt up so that the fabric won’t touch my very sore leg which has gotten really irritated with anything that touches it.
Coincidentally, I observed that I was seated next to a girl who has a pinkish bruise on her leg and once I caught her pat her bruise affectionately –prolly glad that it wasn’t giving her as much stress as my rashes were.

I just wanted to go home to my disk of green balm so I can start re-applying but after church I still have to wait for my mother who was taking extra long that day to change from her church uniform. Not able to take it any longer, I went to find her and saw her chatting merrily to a person who looks like she has 10 more years’ worth of life story to share. Through gritted teeth, I hurried to my mother’s side, firmly clamped my hand on her arm and whispered “Halika naa, ang katiiii!”, then smiled itchily at the person as I escorted my mother to the door.

Hoping the feeling will pass, I slept off the itch and awaited the next day with itch-free dreams, but lo and behold, the rashes seemed to have spread on my other leg and on my arms as well. Applying green balm all day didn’t seem to help either, as it still itches and stings. So at 3pm, after bitch-slapping my skin heartily all day [I was not sure scratching was allowed], I marched off to the doctor carrying my disc of green balm [which has somehow lost its cap from overuse for the past days] hoping for an itch cure that can also double as an insomnia cure.

Turns out I should not have been putting any of my green balm on it as it further irritates it. Prolly seeing how slather-happy I was, I was advised to slather on a diaper rash cream instead which had a picture of a blue-eyed baby on its box and a ‘no rash’ sign on it kind of like the ‘no smoking’ sign. Sadly, the twice-a-day medication I was also advised to take did not double as an insomnia cure.

So here I am fully awake at 2am but with fewer itches and smelling like an infant.

How the newly brokenhearted behave: An observation

Singles who just got their heart broken usually get on by meeting and dating other persons. But what about those who are going through a dry spell and aren’t fortunate enough to meet someone who likes them back?

A single person who has just been dumped or even the one who made the decision to walk away from a relationship is someone who has just gone thru rejection. And because his fragile/wounded ego needs some stroking, the Newly Single –whilst in the period of not meeting anyone new yet– usually take several steps back and find comfort into the arms of a Doting Ex. More specifically, The Ex Who Hasn’t Moved On From Him Yet a.k.a. The Desperado.

Everyone has at least one of these exes. This ex is usually the one the Newly Single have ceased loving a long time ago. The one who has also hit a raw nerve or has exceeded the Newly Single’s patience to the point of annoyance by being too clingy still/refusing to move on/refusing to stop from loving Newly Single “unconditionally”. There are reasons why the Newly Single still chooses to remain friends with The Desperado apart from the fact that these exes just won’t let go. They have the role of providing the Ego Boost or are tasked with Re-Affirmation of the Newly Single’s lovability which the Newly Single has come to doubt because of recent events in his life. Sometimes even before breaking up, when a person goes through a rough spot in his relationship, he comes into The Always Open For Him/Ready Arms of The Desperado for a quick pat on the ego or sometimes even a quick roll in the hay with them.

Although going back to the Doting Ex may work for a while, it is usually just a temporary engagement while the new person Newly Single likes is still blind to the charms of Newly Single or until someone better comes along. Therefore, Doting Exes of the World, stop from hoping and have enough EQ and self-preservation to ignore Newly Single until at least you have started loving another person already. And for the Newly Single feeding on someone else’s weakness? Not classy.

I like bringing home smells with me. Like the smell of smoke on my clothes and hair when coming home from a night out with my friends [tamer and more tolerable]. Or the smell of the mall on my newly bought clothes. Or the smell of a relative’s house on the imported pasalubong she bought me from her home across the seas. And of course, the smell of my lover’s perfume on me after being with him.

Choose to be brave than to be safe

Falling asleep and waking up next to someone you love is one of the nicest feelings in the world. It’s something I would recommend for everyone to try; especially to those who are fond of sleeping or being with people they do not love.

Most people –when asked to choose between sleeping with the one they love and the one who loves them– would usually choose to sleep with someone who loves them, who adores them, and who worships the ground they walk on… that way they’d be properly appreciated and so that they could get the right treatment which is due them.

I think nothing still beats the content, happy moment of sleeping and waking with the one you love. It reflects an achievement for the part of the lover –the courage of one’s own convictions. It shows strength of going after what you want and getting it. Of conforming to the basic rule of being in a relationship only with the one you love.

Whereas for the person who does not love back but continues to sleep or be with the person they do not love, it shows weakness. Of giving in to loneliness and one’s dependence on another human being. Of settling for a lesser being –and in the process– being an accessory to the crime of inevitably hurting another human soul’s feelings. It is doomed to failure any other way you look at it.

And so for those out there who are still together with people you know in your heart that you don’t and can’t really love, let them go and have the courage to go after the person you truly love. It’s one of the nicest feelings in the world which you shouldn’t be depriving yourself of any longer.

Heartbreak

It's just so helpless. It comes when you least expect it, just when you had so much hope. And you believe. And you're giving it good. It comes at the middle of your highs. It wrecks your dreams. It's such a shame.

What were we thinking spending our last time with each other untouching, unfeeling, not understanding, unloving, standing our grounds, and basically undoing all our happier times together? Last times should be commemorated with extra care. Let there never be a last time not celebrated with tenderness, humanity and final courtesy.

I lost my Teddy Burr.
***


At the mall last week, a half-male half-female pudgy human being [?] deliberately stepped on my royal toes before promptly snapping at me angrily, “Pucha! Ha-harang-harang sa daan!” I gaped unbelievingly at its disappearing a-hole form before firing back obscenities at the person who’s sex is yet to be determined, and then stomping to my brother to complain.

“Tinapakan ako!” I whined to my 5’11 brother, testing his big brother abilities while keeping an eye on the retreating person who had joined its companion. “Nasaan?” he said gamely, advancing steps to the direction my eyes were at. But my mom, the peace-loving family member present at that time, stopped him with an arm and blocked his way, telling him how there should always be peace and order and reminding us that it’s her birthday, hence world peace.

My brother struggled, “Eh tinapakan daw sha eh! Tatapakan ko ren! ‘Ba!” Fortunately for the sexless person, my mom held firm and no person —male, female, or otherwise unknown— got squashed.

I have no doubt at all that my brother —who has a brown belt in taekwondo, has the patience and temper of a hyperactive 5-yr-old, who throws cats over his shoulder and in the air as a form of lambing,and who fails miserably in anger management— will be able to beat someone up pretty good if I ask him to.

Last week’s mini incident was the first time I asked him to do anything for me.
Usually, I just cast spells and put hexes on people.
Even if it was just a test and I handle my own disputes just fine, thanks anyway. Hb!

Dear Chris,

My boss who had knowledge about psychology took one look at me and said “You already met the love of your life. He’s everything you want in a man but you left him because you got bored.”

I believe him. You will always be special to me. I have always thought that being chosen as a wife is the highest compliment a woman could ever receive in her life. The thrill of someone wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. The heartening thought of someone willing to do all kinds of sacrifices to make things work with you. But apparently, being your girl seemed to do the trick. You treated me like a husband would his wife -and for me, that will always be what matters most. Thank you for the wife treatment you had shown me even if I did not reciprocate as much precious treatment. Every gesture, every action you had shown me is worth more than any engagement ring, house, car, and all other material luxuries I could ask for in this world. You had never failed to make me feel priceless, beautiful, and always cherished all throughout our time together.

I will never know if I would marry at all in this world, but even if I don’t I will be happy to be reminded of the brief period in my life when I became a wife. Thanks to you.

I told you I didn't believe in love, but that's only because you were in love wit her.

All the little miracles I never got to share with you.

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
Cause there was nothin' in there but you.

There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety.

No, I won't wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire.
The only resolution and the only joy

No, I won't wait forever

--Snow Patrol

Mighty glad we met... mighty glad you were born. Happy birthday, my dary!

All I need is just one man to prove to me they're not all the same.

"What you say cuts me so deep. You think I wouldn't care but I put too much thought into it all. But once I give in, it's over. So you chase. Run faster. Or before you know it, I'm gone." - Eva Rusilowski

The 25 funniest analogies

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

reposted from: writingenglish.wordpress.com/2006/09/12/the-25-funniest-analogies-collected-by-high-school-english-teachers/

Women are always found guilty of trying to justify impulsive actions brought about by lust through falling in love. Not quite knowing how to handle any acts of intimacy that happen early between them and a man, women resort to the self-imposed punishment of falling in love, subconsciously knowing that they will eventually get hurt by falling for a man that’s wrong for them. This, they think, is proper penance for the shame brought about by being unexpectedly intimate with a man, moreso if she or the man is committed to someone else. Aside from this, women has the scientifically proven disadvantage of falling in love with men they get intimate to --as opposed to the ruthless, less immune to falling-in-love men. Scientific explanation points to a chemical released by a woman's body during lovemaking which makes them have maternal feelings for men who has reached their womb --the very same feelings which they have or will have for their offsprings.

Men --the bastards-- truly have it easier.

As a person who loves to analyze and theorize about the human psyche, I came up with a few more theories about bois and gels in love. And these are:

1. Girls are the ones who always break up the relationship, usually because they want to feel more appreciation. Ergo, by doing this, they DO NOT meant for boys to agree and let them go. They want their boyfriends to refuse and fight for their love and get told they are too beautiful and wonderful to let go of. Their suggestion of break-up usually just signifies typical hurt girl-seeking-for-lambing behaviour, and therefore, boys, it just means that your girl loves you. [yes, no matter how crazy that sounds.]
2. Boys usually take the break-up message seriously and it usually wounds their egos, and instead of the girl’s expected response of their boy begging and grovelng to make the relationship work and being more loving than before because they’re afraid to lose the girl, they take offense and protect their ego and let the girl go.
3. Boys’ egos are very fragile things. Once it is hurt --e.g. their girlfriends tell them one of their flaws or not-so-good qualities in the hopes that they’ll improve-- not only do the boys NOT resolve to improve the flaw, but they will rebel by cheating behind their girls’ backs. So girls, take extra pre-caution in giving “constructive criticisms” to your men. Because even if you just wanted to help him or try to make the relationship better by telling him he should be a little more loving or he should maybe try to get a job or stuff, he’ll take this against you and take it personally. He’ll also think that since “you can’t accept him for what he is” [even if in reality you just can’t accept his one bad trait], he has the license to get “re-dignified” by seeking attention elsewhere and going for other girls to seek glory again and just to cancel out that one little fatal hurting comment you made about, say, his snoring habit.
4. Boys deal with relationship problems not by confronting them but by avoiding them, being as far away as they can be from the dilemma, procrastinating having to face the situation and by “having fun first” [dating other girls and doing light-on-the-mind, happy things that will make them temporarily forget their current problem with their spouses, or simply doing any other thing that can make them avoid facing current relationship dilemma.]
5. Boys deal with heartbreaks, being cheated on etc. by doing the same crime their nasty ex-spouses commited to them maybe not to the girl who did them wrong [who would have already escaped away with the cheating accomplice] but to the next unsuspecting innocent girl they enter relationships with. Boys are indeed harder to heal in love than girls are. Some boys marred with bad relationships don’t ever heal and just continue on with sick cycles that pile up one nasty relationship after another. Hopefully, there will come a time when they will recover from their past baggages and find a way to go back to their good old selves or how they were before they were f***’d around wit by malevolent souls.