Another PMS Episode

Me & Cha Co

Last Friday, after lunch I cried because of Tiya Cora. It started early in the morning. I was feeling very sad but never been one to bother other people when I'm feeling blue, I just kept quiet and still tried to pester and annoy my office seatmate Tiya Cora as usual. I thought I was really hiding my emotions well, and so I was surprised when out of the blue, she turned to me in her seat and said "Wag ka na malungkot." I didn't know she was sensitive to my feelings and I really felt touched. After eating lunch, I called my friend to confirm Friday plans with him. As Tiya Cora was sitting next to me, she overheard my conversation and heard that my friend cancelled on our plans and that I have nowhere to go on a Friday night. Again she turned to me and said, "Wag ka iiyak." This time, I couldn't help myself anymore so I locked myself in one of the CR stalls, broke down and cried.

It hurted

It hurted a lot today. It hurt when I asked him to return my favorite book, and he told me he wasn't done reading it, and I tapped the pages of the book against the table so that his bookmark falls out and I handed it to him. And it hurt how I did not put something on the page to remember where he stopped reading so that he can resume reading someday, maybe. And it hurt that I wanted him to take me to where I was meeting a friend like he wanted. But I told him I can go to the place alone. And when I stepped on the bus, it hurt me that although I wanted him to board, I said goodbye to him. And it hurt so much that he accepted my decision with a nod and a half hurt/half angry face. And it hurt very very much when he walked away. I didn't want him to go. I felt very lonely. I wanted to take him in my arms. But I can't, he's gone. :'c

Green-Eyed Monster



I can't help it, sometimes, I get a bit jealous.

I try reasoning with myself when this happens, like telling myself that suppose he really is meant for her -this friend of his whom he accepts tagged pictures with on Facebook, and I'm being silly by feeling petty jealousy when she is really his future wife, and that I could be stopping destiny by preventing them from being together through mere feelings of unreasonable jealousy and hating the thought of them together even if it's the natural order of things.

Somehow, I only manage to make myself feel worse. :-/

Of course all this unhealthy feelings, I don't discuss with him, not wanting to bother him with my childish, unreasonable emotions, and seeing as how the last time I fessed up feelings of psychotic jealousy when I was seeing someone, I ended up losing that person. I only hope I stop feeling this already, it's really no fun being a jealous person. It doesn't help that I have such a wide imagination, imagining 100,001 torturous ways of him being together with her.

Like with anything else, I ended up googling causes of jealousy, hoping to understand why I'm such a wacko...

From Wikipedia:

In psychology
Jealousy involves an entire “emotional episode,” including a complex “narrative,”: the circumstances that lead up to jealousy, jealousy itself as emotion, any attempt at self regulation, subsequent actions and events and the resolution of the episode (Parrott, 2001, p. 306). The narrative can originate from experienced facts, thoughts, perceptions, memories, but also imagination, guess and assumptions. The more society and culture matter in the formation of these factors, the more jealousy can have a social and cultural origin. By contrast, Goldie (2000, p. 228) shows how jealousy can be a “cognitively impenetrable state”, where education and rational belief matter very little.

One possible explanation of the origin of jealousy in evolutionary psychology is that the emotion evolved in order to maximize the success of our genes: it is a biologically based emotion (Prinz after Buss and Larsen, 2004, p. 120) selected to foster the certainty about the paternity of one’s own offspring. A jealous behavior, in men, is directed into avoiding sexual betrayal and a consequent waste of resources and effort in taking care of someone else’s offspring. There are, additionally, cultural or social explanations of the origin of jealousy. According to one, the narrative from which jealousy arises can be in great part made by the imagination. Imagination is strongly affected by a person's cultural milieu. The pattern of reasoning, the way one perceives situations, depends strongly on cultural context. It has elsewhere been suggested that jealousy is in fact a secondary emotion in reaction to one's needs not being met, be those needs for attachment, attention, reassurance or any other form of care that would be otherwise expected to arise from that primary romantic relationship.

So based on the explanation of Wikipedia, what need of mine could he have possibly failed to meet for me to feel jealous?