How saying yes can turn to co-dependency

Before I ever had anyone in my life,  I was happy spending my weekends window shopping and shopping at tiangges,  ukay ukays,  and mall sales,  buying clothes,  shoes,  earrings, rings and bangles. Even just walking around the mall alone non-stop till it closes had kept me happy before I go home and rest. At home,  I usually read books or surf the net. I was never lonely.

Because the idea of romantic love is idealized,  highly promoted and revered by all, soon I found myself succumbing to the pressure and getting into a relationship just because it's what the society expected and at the same time thinking that it's what I want and I'll be happier as what the movies had shown.

And so, I humoured a suitor by accepting his love and saying yes. Probably, part of what made me accept guys who are sincere, consistent and persistent in their efforts to win my heart is because I'm an empath. I believe that hard work should be rewarded, and if I see that someone has sufficiently worked hard to win me, then I think it's only fair to reward them with my heart, even if I'm not sure it's what I wanted.

However,  I constantly picked fights and insisted on my way all the time. I became irritable and I decided to break up. After this,  a new suitor would come,  and I would humour his affections again, and the cycle would just repeat itself.

Little did I know that by saying yes and accepting those who would express interest in me, I was already slowly being pulled toward a nonstop pattern of co-dependency that has made me stray a bit from what I truly want in life. Every waking day was spent instead on making my relationship with the boy I have allowed in my life work. I have another person's needs to consider and I can't just run off to do my own thing anymore, I have to align my schedule and compromise to go where he wanted me to go. Or else I ignore my inner child's voice to do the hobbies I usually enjoy in favor of spending more time with this important person I'm building my life around with -even if it means I'll just be watching him play his games on his computer or observing him watch his favorite TV show or looking on as he browses Facebook with a hungry-for-love look on my face, waiting for him to throw scraps of attention my way.

Looking around at my friends and most people I know,  I can say that they have it even worse than me. Coupled up people have gotten used to doing things with someone in tow. That's why it doesn't surprise me when a coupled up friend asks me to take her 5-minute yosi break with her,  or when another one asks for company in something as simple as getting a haircut or going to 7-Eleven. I -a girl of strength and independence- am willing to accept and understand this weakness in them enough to agree to their request of temporary companionship even if they leave me alone and coming home the moment their boyfriends arrive to pick them up, never mind that my own safety and security is at risk because they made me come home late waiting for their men to arrive.

Developing co-dependency on the opposite sex is not all in vain,  as it has also brought positive outcomes in my quest to make things work,  causing me to mend my ways and become less selfish - learning to say sorry and getting better at the art of compromise with each relationship so I can save it and keep the peace (and my partner).

However,  I am more proud of myself for the control and for not jumping into another relationship just because I'm lonely or it's cuffing season and I feel the urge to be co-dependent on someone.

Maybe I will say yes again to someone who is consistent, persistent,  sincere,  dedicated,  selfless and most of all interested in being my friend first before anything else.  But until then,  I will be in my passive/dormant -in-love mode. I will not look for love. Neither will I say yes again until I'm absolutely sure. Nor shall I ask anyone to take my love.

Simply put, I will enjoy my strength and independence (growing by the day), celebrate my individuality,  trust my choices and set my goals for a wiser, healthier, happier and more spiritually fulfilling 2k15!

A psychic, albularyo and mangkukulam all rolled into one

Lately, I have decided to explore my interest in the occult/new age resulting in extensive reading on the internet. A couple of weeks ago, I had stumbled upon the blog of one of a fellow new age group member, and as I felt a connection to her through her posts, I've decided to contact her and offer my friendship.

As we chatted, she told me that I was a psychic myself, and when asked how she knew this, she said that psychics can feel each other. I was pleased by her confirmation because I have always thought myself to be a psychic of some sort but sometimes I also think that I'm just being delusional or inflicted with ideas of reference. For the first time, an expert on the subject has confirmed what I've always felt!

Learning more about psychics and empaths, I found that empaths are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others which is why people find it easy to talk to them about their problems. It also said that empaths absorb negative energies of those around them and they tend to put others' feelings before their own.  However,  my psychic friend also said that it's not a good idea to get psychics and empaths mad at you,  and it entered my mind that maybe it's because an empath's special gift can allow them not just to heal other people but to sort of curse/cast a spell on those who had done them wrong,  as well.

In conclusion,  if what the psychic said is true and I am indeed a psychic/empath myself,  then people should be careful to always stay in my good graces,  lest I may accidentally cast a spell on them in a moment of anger. Loljoke!

Hello silence, my old friend

I guess you can say that I have always been clingy. Before internet was invented, I used to yap on the phone for hours with friends, calling one friend after another just to have some form of company, to exchange theories and jokes, gossip about others and ask how they were (which sometimes mislead guy friends into thinking that I have feelings for them when in fact I just don't want to be left alone with my restless mind).

During the era of cellphones, I would register for unlimited texting service to my provider whenever I feel lonely and bombard most -if not all- of my friends with text messages to somehow soothe my nerves.

Soon after the internet became a household essential, it quickly became my next mode of communication to talk to friends. Somehow I always feel the urge to talk to friends -an outlet to my hyperactive mind that doesn't seem to want to rest. It doesn't help that the first guy I entered a relationship with was clingy himself (calling and texting me every single minute of the day) and when I mirrored his actions, he happily encouraged it. As a result, I have demanded my boyfriends in the past to call me everyday and every night and when that doesn't seem feasible to an ex, I agreed to calls placed at least every other day.

Last year though, I met a very antipatiko man who doesn't tolerate clinginess and who won't communicate with me 24/7 even if I ask him to.  During weekdays, any attempt I have to communicate with him will be met with lukewarm, one-word and/or no replies. What we'd do was just see each other at the end of the week. At first, it seemed hard, but it has gotten so that even I don't lift my fingers any more to text him, call him or chat to him. Afterwards, a whole week can pass by with neither one of us hearing a peep from each other, and I have gotten used to it. I guess you could say that the experience taught me to keep to myself. Because now, I don't feel the need to talk to anyone any more. I don't make attempts to get me noticed, to voice what's running through my head and I don't mind if friends don't try to reach out to me, too. I have found ways to keep myself busy and that's why I've been pretty quiet, too. I have found a new interest/hobby that allows me to just  be quietly preoccupied without feeling the need to talk or write.

I have come to accept and embrace silence and it doesn't bother me any more.

Have Yourself A #MerrySMChristmas

SM has always played a huge part in my Christmas -whether it be Christmas of the past back when I was a small little girl like Kendra, or Christmas in the present where I always run to SM for Christmas gifts. That is why I've decided to dedicate a post in answering "What does MerrySMChristmas mean to me?"

1. Being a generous Tita. 

            - MerrySMChristmas means taking the time to be a good tita to my nephews and nieces, godsons and goddaughters. This includes taking my niece, Basha to the mall to have her photo op with the wonderful Christmas display SM has. I also take her shopping for her favorite toys at Toy Kingdom. The trips to SM always puts a smile on her face and seeing her happy is enough to melt any grouchy auntie's heart. 

2. Hearing my favorite Christmas jingles on the mall's speakers. 

       - MerrySMChristmas will not be complete without getting in the mood for the holiday season. Before Christmas rolls around the corner, I can always trust SM to play well loved Christmas jingles on their speakers to get me psyched up for the holiday season as I grocery shop for my daily needs such as meat, rice, noodles, toiletries and other essentials! Among my favorite Christmas songs include classical hits like God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, All I Want for Christmas Is You, Christmas In Our Hearts and the Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire song.

3. Having a festive Sunday family lunch. 

          -MerrySMChristmas is a chance to enjoy a meal with my family without having to worry about preparing and cooking the food. Hence, come December, we head on to SM to eat lunch every Sunday after church before we go and shop for gifts. What makes December Sunday lunches special is how we get to enjoy festive Christmas specials ranging from tasty pasta dishes to succulent roasted pigs and chicken to holiday frappuccino, cookies and cakes.  

4. Reuniting with my friends for a shopping spree then dinner. 

              -MerrySMChristmas is about maintaining strong bonds with the people we love. That's why every year, me and my friends get together to catch up on each other's lives by shopping for Christmas gifts for our family together as well as eating dinner. What better time to buy each other vodka shots, exchange gifts and take the gazillions of pictures with everyone present and at their best attire and moods?

5. Christmas shopping made extra special with extended hours and discounts. 

          - MerrySMChristmas is a chance to enjoy shopping more for me and my loved ones through the season's discounts and extended hours SM gives me. Now,  there is more time to shop and I have more money to spend too!  Win-win! 

6. Doing my share for charity. 

         -MerrySMChristmas means experiencing the joy of giving. That's why this year, I decided to participate in SM Cares' Bears of Joy. 

With SM Cares' Bears of Joy, you can have two bears for only P200 -one to keep and the other to give to charity. Of course, you can also just choose to give both bears to charity (which is what I did.) Just like me, I hope that you will find that exhibiting genuine concern to the less fortunate and doing something to make their lives somewhat better gives you a priceless feeling. To know more about this selfless program by SM and how you can participate, you may visit this link.  

And to rev you up further for the coming holidays, here's something for you... watch what SM has in store for you and enjoy! Merry Christmas to all and may you all feel the true spirit of the season through being considerate, warm and loving to your fellow beings! Cheers!