Before I ever had anyone in my life, I was happy spending my weekends window shopping and shopping at tiangges, ukay ukays, and mall sales, buying clothes, shoes, earrings, rings and bangles. Even just walking around the mall alone non-stop till it closes had kept me happy before I go home and rest. At home, I usually read books or surf the net. I was never lonely.
Because the idea of romantic love is idealized, highly promoted and revered by all, soon I found myself succumbing to the pressure and getting into a relationship just because it's what the society expected and at the same time thinking that it's what I want and I'll be happier as what the movies had shown.
And so, I humoured a suitor by accepting his love and saying yes. Probably, part of what made me accept guys who are sincere, consistent and persistent in their efforts to win my heart is because I'm an empath. I believe that hard work should be rewarded, and if I see that someone has sufficiently worked hard to win me, then I think it's only fair to reward them with my heart, even if I'm not sure it's what I wanted.
However, I constantly picked fights and insisted on my way all the time. I became irritable and I decided to break up. After this, a new suitor would come, and I would humour his affections again, and the cycle would just repeat itself.
Little did I know that by saying yes and accepting those who would express interest in me, I was already slowly being pulled toward a nonstop pattern of co-dependency that has made me stray a bit from what I truly want in life. Every waking day was spent instead on making my relationship with the boy I have allowed in my life work. I have another person's needs to consider and I can't just run off to do my own thing anymore, I have to align my schedule and compromise to go where he wanted me to go. Or else I ignore my inner child's voice to do the hobbies I usually enjoy in favor of spending more time with this important person I'm building my life around with -even if it means I'll just be watching him play his games on his computer or observing him watch his favorite TV show or looking on as he browses Facebook with a hungry-for-love look on my face, waiting for him to throw scraps of attention my way.
Looking around at my friends and most people I know, I can say that they have it even worse than me. Coupled up people have gotten used to doing things with someone in tow. That's why it doesn't surprise me when a coupled up friend asks me to take her 5-minute yosi break with her, or when another one asks for company in something as simple as getting a haircut or going to 7-Eleven. I -a girl of strength and independence- am willing to accept and understand this weakness in them enough to agree to their request of temporary companionship even if they leave me alone and coming home the moment their boyfriends arrive to pick them up, never mind that my own safety and security is at risk because they made me come home late waiting for their men to arrive.
Developing co-dependency on the opposite sex is not all in vain, as it has also brought positive outcomes in my quest to make things work, causing me to mend my ways and become less selfish - learning to say sorry and getting better at the art of compromise with each relationship so I can save it and keep the peace (and my partner).
However, I am more proud of myself for the control and for not jumping into another relationship just because I'm lonely or it's cuffing season and I feel the urge to be co-dependent on someone.
Maybe I will say yes again to someone who is consistent, persistent, sincere, dedicated, selfless and most of all interested in being my friend first before anything else. But until then, I will be in my passive/dormant -in-love mode. I will not look for love. Neither will I say yes again until I'm absolutely sure. Nor shall I ask anyone to take my love.
Simply put, I will enjoy my strength and independence (growing by the day), celebrate my individuality, trust my choices and set my goals for a wiser, healthier, happier and more spiritually fulfilling 2k15!
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