It seemed to me that I have no right to live my life and that I have been born just to be an extension of another person's life.
Nothing belonged to me at all... things I buy that become my earthly attachments and favorites will disappear with no logical reason and I am not allowed to ask why. I will go crazy cause I will have no way of knowing if they were given to someone at church who were scavenging for my things behind my back and without direct permission from me or to relatives in the province.
I am not allowed privacy in my own room. Everything I post, do or buy needs to be explained. I was trying to save knowing I will be out of a job soon and knowing that no one else will put bread on the table, but everything I have starved myself for and saved for is being asked from me to be given for what? To rent a vehicle to cart off potential members for the church in one day. I am shamed and made to feel bad if I empty what's left of my savings paying bills for the dog because how come I don't shell out as much money to pay for skin care services of some person?
All I get is pressure, pressure, and more pressure resulting from someone's pity and empathy to other people but it has always been empathy and concern for other people with no consideration at all for my feelings. It seems everyone else is "less fortunate" and more deserving of pity and understanding than me, which should be fine by me, but what's not fine is that this empathy for others is on my own expense that I have to lose more, have less, have my favorite things disappear and given to someone else so I will work again and penny pinch and starve myself and torture myself and not be allowed to buy things I want for myself and surprise! It's a never ending cycle and I have to give way so that all my resources will be given once again to other people/ people I don't care for/ people I begin to loathe because they take so much from me without them meaning to!
And in the end what do I get? I get to be called selfish, the devil, and get disowned for having an opinion. Who am I to complain anyway? I am not entitled to even my own feelings. I was born in this world to be a slave after all. I never asked to be born but now I am paying for someone's guilt of bringing me into the world and it seems that their guilt of leaving their parents is endless and now I am burdened to pay this endless guilt and I'm not even allowed to have my own family because someone left their family for me and I am doomed to die alone probably next to strangers in a cemetery if I am lucky enough not to be thrown in a river because of this endless guilt of someone else I am forever paying off.
And it is with this big amount of stress that I decided I just wanted to die. As I haven't tried anything to hurt myself the slightest bit (at least physically) in the past, I was limited to just wishing death for myself by praying that a vehicle would run over me as I crossed the street. I thought this would be the easiest thing as I never learned how to cross the street properly anyway, and crossing streets at a road where vehicles intersect from 4 different directions (such as the one I always pass by everyday) is the perfect place to die in. I wished for lightning to strike me. I wished for someone to shoot me or plunge a knife in me enough to kill me. I also contemplated jumping into the river I passed by but the thought of seedy men finding me and touching my body to fish me out of the muddy waters plus the muddy waters on its own did not appeal too much to me.
Somehow, I got over the death wishes but not to assure that I won't go back to having dark thoughts as having negative thoughts is second nature to me. Anyway, I'd like to share what has been temporarily distracting me from the dark side, and this is the "Limitless" session I had been asked to envision when I sat in with a Hypnosis group I met last year.
The speaker at the session had told us that whenever he wants to have a good day ahead of him or whenever he wants to feel happy, all he has to do is to close his eyes and imagine in detail a scenario that he thinks will make him ultimately happy. He instructed us that we have to really envision this happy scene in our mind, from what we're wearing to where we are exactly and the words we will say and the things we will do. In short, he actually asked us to daydream or fantasize and so I did.
As any girl, I have cliched girl fantasies which may or may not be shaped by the society so that time I imagined having my then boyfriend propose marriage to me at a videoke bar after a session because I loved singing and he hasn't humored my request of us singing together despite my pleas to him. The weirdness of my chosen fantasy was not lost to me at all, as I knew how ridiculous it was to dream of getting a proposal from someone I barely spent enough time with to marry. Maybe it was just my frustration to sing being manifested. However, that was what my mind had conjured up at that exact moment with little time to think and after all, it is still every girl's dream (weird girls like me included) to get asked by someone they love to spend the rest of their lives with.
These days, a marriage proposal fantasy is more ridiculous than ever, which is not to say that I haven't tried conjuring up this image just for the heck of it.
I mostly use the "Limitless" session nowadays during bored-out-of-my-mind traffic moments, and these days, I just envision my love for a certain person –not really imagining anything much beyond my feelings for him and how I want to hug him, kiss him on the cheek and watch over him as he sleeps just like an unobtrusive angel would.
Sometimes, though, I do imagine him loving me back for just a bit and it's enough to calm me down.
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