It’s unethical to be jobless

When you’ve finish’d school. Having nuthin’ to do wit tha time [& lack of funds] you’re faced wit. Realizin’ tis –spesh after havin’ lunch’d [yer first meal of tha day] & havin’ bathed [yer attempt @ groomin’ yer very ungroom’d indoor self to prepare fo’ a day of productive possibilities], ya automatically scan tha house fo’ sumthin to nibble on to simulate activity & preoccupation [never mind that your jaws are tha only part of ya that’s busy] and then ya mull in shame if you’re even allow’d to chew wut u’re chewin’, & to consume huge chunks of it too! As much as you’d like to be a bratinella & ask & ask for thangs like in tha golden days, ya kno’ ya cuden simply coz there’s nuthin’ fo’ em to give. And then ya juz go on chillaxin’ like everything’s fine as it really is fo’ now but knowin’ @ tha back of yer mind that it ain’t gonna be.

There’s this lazy cloud hangin’ over me. Preventing me from getting’ thangs dun like they shud be, makin’ me tha queen of procrastination, keeping me in bed for long periods of time. I used to have a productivity bone. Tha first time I was jobless, I tried contributing to a magazine. Second bumhood got me writing an article publish’d for ma uncle’s company newsletter while I was on vacation in San Pablo. Third lack of employment, I contributed three works for ma previous work mate’s newspaper. Now am lying day in and day out in bed unwilling to move, all cynical ‘bout hopes in tha employment future & dishearten’d @ why I seem to be in repelling forces wit all jobs that are regular & unparallel’d in terms of benefits.

So to tha HR department of companies holding Regular, Benefit-Showering Jobs, come get me!!!

I mourn’d you today. Idunno if it’s paranoia, premonition, or tha drugs I took fo’ ma pesky allergies but I do git right premonitions. Like in high school when I suddenly bawl’d witout rhyme or reason during class, to tha utter surprise of ma seatmates. By lunchtime, ma friend told me to meet her in tha CR for some news –tha news being that Scratched Away Vandal [I’ve scratch’d away @ tha numerous & loving vandals I’ve created elaborately on ma desk of his name after lunch] ask’d her to tell me he ain’t pursuin’ me anymore. I forgot tha excuse –sumthin about tha scary parental units or sumthin. I was all calm by then so I told ma friend [who wasn’t in my morning class] no biggie. She diden know I’ve had ma release. I hope its tha drugs tis time, tho’. :c

Why d'ya ask ba?

I so so so don’t wana be embarrass’d, ma pride can’t take it. I avoid it @ all costs. Talk fo’ me is cheap so I be quiet all tha time unless you be close to me [then I won’t shut up even when ya pointedly sleep on me ryt , pic? ;-p]. I git ma punchlines/ideas stolen all tha time coz I don’t blurt em out all over tha place but juz tell em to an unjudgmental lot fo’ fear of it bein’ diss’d and be made fun of. And then it turns out great & someone else takes credit fo’ it -but am ok wit that rather than take responsibility fo’ it when it turns out to be a flop later. Better be Unrecognized for Greatness than be Famous for Shockingly Lamebrained Theories. I love tha same way. Insteada handin’ out compliments, or doin’ thangs then braggin’ bout it or expectin’ pats on tha back fo’ it, I juz do thangs fo’ people. I humour, I give way, and then I don’t nag that tha person I’ve dun good fo’ to be givin’ tha love back or praise me fo’ it. I can be so nonchalant sometimes in doing thangs that actually kill me fo’ tha person/s I love. And then that person juz be makin’ or askin’ comments afterwards that’s really insulting and push fo’ a last thoughtful phrase like, “It’s a good thing you’re so nice”, & then leave & expect me to follow & wag my tail good-naturedly afterwards.

Ma dear earth boi, currently, there are 5 miniscule things that confuse me bout cha. I like ya so much that I constantly look fo’ any excuse to like ya [some ya can’t even help & aren’t even directly connected to ya] & add it to ma ‘why I like ya’ list. Juz tha same, these 5 thangs are there. I usually keep tabs like this on someone I like & then I watch if the list lessens over time. I don’t point these thangs out, juz let em figure it out themselves. If tha list elongates & tha old queschns/confusions ‘bout him remain unanswered, he strikes out and is eliminated from tha game that is our life together. But juz like ma open attitch in addin’ to yer positive list, I am hoping to understand & sort out these confusions soon. ;-)

I once told someone I don’t wanna be courted. He took it to mean I wanna be trash’d. I don’t. I juz meant I want tha same level of honesty in friendships from him.

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.


To let go is not to cut myself off....
It is the realization that I can't control another.....


To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.


To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.


To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
it is to make the most of myself.


To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcome,
but to allow others to affect their own destiny.


To let go is not to be protective,
It is to let another face reality.


To let go is not to deny, but to accept.


To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings then to correct them.


To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.


To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.


To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for today.


To let go is to fear less and love more.


-->Kay Lafle

dawaitumaihartistrudalandlain

As I don’t really go out ‘cept to buy thangs @ tha mall, I spend most of ma time yakking on tha phone. I can go at it 6 hours @ a time and still go even if I’ve gone Inday Garutay-hoarse from it. When am not writing, I talk for hours on tha phone. It keeps my sanity intact and is my calmer form of release when I don’t throw ma things [unbreakables like lotion containers, pens, & brushes] around or scream like a lunatic @ tha top of ma lungs. I specially like DMC’s [deep meaningful conversations] and prefer phone-line burning to actual meetings/going out. I think phone conversations are much better cuz tha talks are more focused as oppos’d to going out where ya multi-task wit eating/movie-watching/etc. & ya worry bout how ya look & one of ya has to hurry home or elsewhere & even when both of ya aren’t off to some place, ya hafta scram when tha store hits closing time. In fact I used to have a phone pal back in high school who said it amazes him how I’m closer to him than some of his real friends. Or mebbe I’m juz a Home Freak geek. Haha!

I’ve always told myself I’ll only enter into a relationship wit a guy if he be naiz as ma best GURL friend is to me. [which goes to show how lame tha men around me are.] She serves me food first [even @ my own home], combs my hair fo’ me when am too lazy to be bother’d wit it, takes me home when it’s late in tha night, etc. –all part of tha niceness that is her. I remember I’ve mention’d tis to a guy I haven’t met once. Then when we dated, it’s as if he has tis mental checklist –He order’d for us [I’ve told him I’d rather have other people tell tha waiters wut I want coz I’m shy], he served me our pizza, and he even tried to comb my hair wit his hand. It really amused me coz he did tha exact same things I told him about ma friend, and he tried to cram it in a day when tha ‘general niceness’ and ‘unassholeness’ of ma friend was actually wut I appreciated. And so it came out all ‘scripted’ looking and unnatural. Like he doesn’t really do those things but is pressured to make a good impression on me. He diden even complete his mental list of literal things dun by ma friend –he forgot to take me home. [or mebbe I diden tell him she does that.] After that, I don’t tell men they shud be nicer than my girl friends anymore. I mean if they are born nice, they will be nice and if they are assholes, then nuthin will stop em no matter how many discussions we be havin’ ‘bout gurl friends being nice.

Pwede bang sabihin mo
Na itatago mo ang mga sulat ko
Kasi medyo maiinis ako
Kung itatapon mo..

'wag kang mag-alala..
Di ako luluha
Kung may kapiling kang iba
Di na pipilitin pa..
Itong damdamin ko sa'yo
Medyo maninibago
Pero ayos lang sakin 'to

At pwede bang sabihin mong..
"maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo

Pwede bang isipin mo
Nahihirapan din naman ako
Sa paghintay lang ng kung anu-ano
Magmumula sa'yo

At 'wag kang magtataka
Kung ako'y biglang makita
Na nag-iisa..nakahiga lang sa kama
Iniisip ko ito,

"ba't nga ba biglang nagbago?.."

Makayanan ko sana 'to..

At pwede bang sabihin mong..
"maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo

'wag kang mag-alala..
Di ako luluha
Kung may kapiling kang iba
Di na pipilitin pa..
Itong damdamin ko sa'yo
Medyo maninibago
Makayanan ko sana 'to..

Pwede bang sabihin mong..
"maghihintay ako sa'yo.."
Kasi medyo naiinip na 'ko
Sa ikot ng mundo..

At pwede ba..pwede ba..pwede ba?..
At pwede ba..pwede ba..pwede ba?..