Love is a choice, and it has always been that way for me in
the past. I think choosing to love is a natural course to follow for girls,
especially since it is not us but usually the men who do the picking for us,
and we just choose to say yes or reject a love that comes our way.
I can love at will, and I can stop at will, too. I know it
sounds mechanical and not at all romantic, but I have lived the first quarter
of my life alone and independently before finally caving in and saying yes to a
very devoted boy who adored me and loved me with the strongest of passions when
I was 24. He was the most sincere, earnest and loving man I’ve ever met that I
just can’t refuse him when he asked me to be his girl.
Looking back at all my relationships after him, I have
observed that my pattern for loving someone has always been going along with
whoever chooses me and humouring his attention/love for me by trying to
reciprocate it with as much attention/love as I can. The few times that I had
been the one in charge of choosing my partner, I had immediately ended it due
to lack of patience in waiting for him to reciprocate my love, or ended it
because it never really felt right for me to steal someone else’s love, and I
felt the urge to “return” him to his proper owner.
I have always been confident that I can “love” again.
Sometimes, though, I am afraid that I’m not doing it right. “Have
I ever really fallen in love?” I ask myself numerous times. I know that one of
the most apparent signs of falling in love is holding on and fighting to keep
the person you love. However, I found that in my first few relationships, it
has always been me who initiates ending the relationship. Sadly, by the time
that I have figured out that I was not being the ideal mate by always letting
someone go, ironically, it suddenly seemed that my partners are always letting
me go.
Now, at a stage in my life where I can choose to love someone
else again, I’d like to temporarily release hold on my share of happiness, as I
found that it chips away my dignity. As Glory Szabo says, happiness is not a
race with other people. I am stronger than my happiness.
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