Today I got laid. There. Did that shock you? Shall I repeat it? I GOT SOME today. I GOT LAID. Of course I diden, you say. How could I? I have NO ONE TO DO IT WITH. I have STRICT PARENTS. And above all, I DON’T GO OUT OF THE HOUSE ALONE. Okay, so I’m juz trippin’. I DID NOT get laid. But suppose I did? It had juz occurred to me that GETTING LAID is the absolute BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. Ma parents seem to have gotten it in their head at a very early age [around tha time I was born] that EVERY GUY WANTS TO SLEEP WIT ME. Or mebbe it’s I WANT TO SLEEP WIT ANY GUY. Ergo tha CHAPERONED TRIPS to any place ‘cept when I’m wit RUTH, ma GIRL friend WIT THA CAR. As much as possible, they want me to STAY AWAY from places that have GUYS in it. And every otha sentence outta em parental mouths begin wit “Diba ANDAMING LALAKE don..?” [Aren’t there gonna be a MAJORITY OF GUYS in that place…?] So I lead a very BORING and very ANTI-SOCIAL LIFE because of tis FEAR OF FUCKIN’. And then there’s also tha case of JOB & MONEY which may or may not be connected wit tis NOT GETTING LAID biz. For some time now, I git tha vague impression that THEY DON’T WANT ME TO GIT A JOB. In that way, I’ll be FOREVER INDEBTED TO EM. I think they also hate tha fact that I am a VERY UNPUNISHABLE CHILD. Like when I’m in ma PARENTAL DISOBEDIENCE mode, they cannot punish me by GROUNDING me [how dya ground someone whos alwez at home?] or THROWIN’ INSULTS AT ME [which don’t seem to affect me] or SLAPPING ME [see tha latter], or even LOCKING ME UP IN A VERY DUSTY ROOM wit spiders & rats for tha night like they did some time ago. [They thought I’d BEG FOR THEIR MERCY and BE AT THEIR KNEES but I diden, I juz curl’d up on tha floor &slept like it’s tha most natural thang to do which got em a bit sore I think.] And they alwez complain how USELESS I am but me thinks they secretly like tha fact that I HAVE NO POWER OVER THE COURSE OF EVENTS IN OUR LIFE. Like when I hear em complainin’ to each other how our no-good lowlife boarders DON’T PAY THEIR RENT and how a number of em had even RAN AWAY WIT P5000+ WORTH OF UNPAID RENT and then I offer to TALK TO THEM and nag em & beat tha crap and OUR RIGHTFUL MONEY OUT OF EM and I was DEAD SERIOUS but did they LISTEN TO ME? No, they LET EM RUN AWAY UNPAID AGAIN and had an angry parent told me I HAVE NO RIGHT TO INTERFERE WIT THA SUPERVISION OF THINGS [pamamalakad ng buhay] told in such a fashion that reads like WE CAN’T STAND LISTENING TO YOU and WE CAN’T ENTERTAIN THA POSSIBILITY THAT YOU’RE RIGHT simply because you are JUST A DESCENDANT and I AM THA PARENT therefore I AM ALWAYS RIGHT and YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG and YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ANYTHING because you CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING, YOUNG AND DUMB as you are.