May has been a month for piggin' out...

Wonder wut'll June bring?

Celebrity Pondering
1] When will Sharon stop wearing off-shoulder blouses?
***
Since I’m bored stiff, I have turn’d into a gurl quite unexpectedly. Suddenly, I’m interested in make-up. Look here, they’ll choose tha right color of make-up for ya depending on yer looks and here they have great many reviews to set or change yer mind ‘bout each beauty product ye might wanna buy.

Bein’ a bum really sucks. It leaves ya wit so much time left in your hands but wit so little mint for ya to actually appreciate it. So that in yer idleness, ye become paranoid wit wasted thoughts & become irritable and ye suddenly become conscious of yer fat stomach w/c ye had been piling wit ev’ry pieca junk in yer house regardless of staleness or taste and then ya frown but make no attempt to change yer monster eatin’ habits…Or is it juz me?
***
Miss’d Calls
Why am I an ungrateful wench? Why can’t I appreciate some thangs in life? Why does tha sound of ma cell phone ringing in tha middle of tha night make me lonely?
a] Since I only make miss’d calls on other people’s mobiles when I’m lonely ma’self, those who rang me might be lonely too and it makes me lonely that other people are lonely.
b] It’s sad when I run out of credits & I can’t make ganti by reciprocatin’ tha ring.
c] When I’m longing for a certain person & another person rings, I git even lonelier.
d] When that certain person finally rings, I hate it cuz he/she did not send a message instead.
Mebbe I shud juz turn off ma cell at night. But then no one wud be able to make it known that they're thinkin' of me durin' tha night. Then I'd be lonelier.

Yesterday, I went to sleep wit tis sumbong for ma soulmate:
Hey, you slept early today! Sorry to keep you waitin’. I stay’d up late frettin’ bout someone. I know t’wuz you bein’ impatient when ya blew out tha lights tryin’ to make me sleep & you bein’ sorry when ya turn’d it on again two minutes later. How come ya alwez know when sumthin’s wrong? Yea! I've got sumthin to tell ya. Ma best friend is a miserable black bat blind to tha fact that ma need for him is a sacred privilege. It juz frustrates me how easy it is to lose a person I don’t wanna lose. Don’t be jealous now. Of course, I love ya juz as much and yea, I’ll alwez tell ya when sumthin’s tha matter but sometimes I don’t wanna be hugg’d. It allows fo’ more useless unnecessary tears to be shed leadin’ me away from tha right sense to plot revenge. No, am not plannin’ anythin’ nasty on any’un when I wake up today. Now enuf about me..how are thangs between you & yer current girlfriend? Wut? You wanna keep her? Two months and that already? Sorry but tha Master Plan sez ya end up wit me. Of course, I knew you were kiddin’! I juz wish ya hold out a li’l longer for me…ya know, I have 5 or so more guys before you. Hey, gotta git back to ma body in bed now! Sumthin’s tellin’ me ma maver’s gonna try & wake me up early today. Lucky for ya you git to sleep in today…don’t talk to strange souls, a’ite? Especially strange gurl souls…

Cockroaches have always been our shadows as we spread across the globe. They are immigrants (from Africa to the Americas). They are ancient (unchanged since the Carboniferous period, 350 million to 290 million years ago). And they are omnivores. So why do they disgust us? Perhaps, because they are similar to us. –Catherine Chalmers

Cut ma mini-vacation short to go to a job interview and take a written test. Thought tha written test might consist of two-three easy essay queschns. Wrong. Tha test consisted of an IQ test, a logic test, a verbal test, a mental test, and a 195-item personality test plus 8 essay questions. It took me six hours to finish it up including tha interview. Competition consisted of an American guy wit a badly sunburn’d face, a blah lookin’ gal who writes freelance for PDI, PhilStar, and some mag I diden quite catch, and a lightly made-up pretty lady who is currently a PR for some company. All three look’d like they’re in their late twenties, ‘cept maybe for tha Kano who might be in his thirties. Tha freelance writer who sat opposite from me started conversation & ask’d ‘bout our current employment status while we were waitin for tha HR wonderboy. Already had ma mouth open to answer when I noticed that she wuz not talkin to me but to Ms. PR at ma right. Closed ma mouth & smiled blankly at tha two of em while they snubb’d me & chatted chummily in English bout their fab jobs. Sunburn’d Kano who sat beside Ms. snooty freelance writer wuz oblivious to tha world, buried in an ancient paperback wit yellow’d pages while I sat there across from Snooty quietly meditating in French.

While I wuz away blood-bonding at tha twins’ place, I did these:
1] Participated in ma uncle’s company motorcade & felt like a pig ridin’ at tha trailer of some van along wit other ladies throwing candies and company kits at every person within our throwing aim. [I even succeeded in aiming a few Maxx’s towards the drivers in their jeeps.]
2] Tryin’ hard to make ma aim reach him, I also struck a moderately cute guy in a black barong smack across tha middle of his chest wit one of ma flyin’ candies, evoking a short cry of pain from him.
3] Became dog chew. [Ma cuzins’ shih-tzu seem to have develop’d a fondness for chewing ma toes.]
4] Had some friend of ma cuzin think I’m a foreigner.
5] Caused ma cuzin Glenn & his gf to break up. [Gf got mad when cuzin nick’d plans of goin at her place in favor of tourin’ me and Geli around and got madder when Geli answer’d her call thinking her bf wuz bein unfaithful]
6] Got hit on by little boys.
7] Had fun wit Gela bargaining wit tha cute Video City cashier guy to lower tha overdue rent rate from P150 to P120.
8] Had fun wit Geli & Glenn eatin’ isaw & pig intestines.
9] Nag-boyz!!!
***
Mysterious texter
A mysterious person had been sending text messages to me last week. At first he claim’d to be someone named Zevin but later fess’d up his real name [his initials are JJR] when I retorted that no real person could exist wit such a name. He wuz bein really vague and refused to tell me anythin’ else save for tha fact that he met me in San Pablo City on a Wednesday. Although both he & ma cuzin denied it, I figured he wuz one of tha two friends Glenn brought home one day since they were tha only strange guys I met last Wednesday. I remember’d that one wuz tall, good lookin’ and fair while I can’t remember anything ‘bout tha other one ‘cept that he wuz short. To unravel tha mystery, I told him to meet me at a fast food chain but not before I met wit Glenn first. Glenn had agreed to escort Gela & me in returning an overdue VCD. As we left tha video shop, Glenn stopp’d us from walkin’ away & admitted that tha guy we were about to meet wuz about to appear from tha video shop. As these words left his mouth, we turn’d to look as tha door open’d and tha tall good-lookin’ guy of last Wednesday materialized. As I wuz expecting tha less attractive guy, I could only stare at him in wonder and found that I could not work ma mouth, unsure of how to deal wit a cute guy. Gela excitedly approach’d him and ask’d him, “Ikaw ba…?” wit me following close at her heels askin’ tha same queschn. [“Ikaw…?”] Witout answering, tha guy shyly look’d at his feet and turn’d left to tha magazine stand, opening a magazine & busyin’ himself by turning tha pages. We ask’d him again and he replied wit a soft “no”. Then another guy appear’d -short, dark, and plain. We ask’d him tha same queschn but he also told us he wuz not tha one. Gela kept on questionin’ tha good-lookin’ guy, almost pleading wit him to be ma mysterious texter while I tried to make tha other one admit that it wuz him. To solve tha problem, Glenn suggested that we call mysterious texter on his cell phone. They both agreed. Good-lookin’ guy got his phone out and held it up for us to see. Short guy made no attempt to bring his phone out. Who dya think?
***
Disaster of tha week: As I wuz in a hurry, I had forgotten to shave ma legs & pack ma razor so I decided to borrow tha twins’ depilatory cream for use on ma legs when I arrived. It did not work so I opted to use tha razor in tha loo and juz rinsed it afterwards. Two days later, I woke up to tha sound of ma uncle bellowing,”Sinong gumamit ng pang-ahit ko?!?” [Who used my razor?] from tha bathroom. Rather than face ma uncle’s wrath and git thrown out of a home, I decided to roll over on ma otha side and git right back to sleepin’. Later when ma uncle wuz gone, I warily got up and found tha razor discarded on tha kitchen sink starin’ tha culprit right on tha face.
***
Tha twins thought it’d be nice to help some little guy friend they have to git to know me. They told me tha guy wuz determin’d to pay a visit to me there at ma uncle & aunt’s home. On ma last night at ma aunt’s, tha guy fin’ly gather’d enuf strength to visit me when he pass’d cuzin Ralph on his way home & learn’d that I’ll be leavin’ tha following day. Before he arrived, tha twins egged me on to prettify ma’self. Prettifying consisted of putting on a bra under tha old loose shirt I wuz about to wear to sleep -which induced some sarcastic teasing from tha twins. [“Uyy…si ate nag-bra para kay kuya…!”] When tha guy arriv’d wit his brother, every’un wuz preparing to watch some film Gela rented titled Ghost ship. They were left wit no choice but to watch tha film wit us. Afterwards, every’un left tha room to sleep ‘cept for Geli and me. He moved his seat a bit closer but did not dare to close tha gap between us that would have fitted two more persons. He started askin' little queschns while I answer'd obediently. Geli kept on insisting he look'd like some celeb ["Diba ate kamukha niya si Echo?"] while he smiled hopefully at me. His brother look’d at photo albums. Later, his brother went outside to sleep on a bench while Geli also got up to go to her room and was replaced by her twin Gela who emerged from their room to chat wit us. Ralph also decided to join us in tha room & pretended to be engross’d in watchin’ TV while eavesdroppin’ on our conversation. Later…
Him: “Kanina pa pala ‘to nakatago…” [presenting to me a bag of Hugs he produced wit a flourish from his back pocket.]
Me: “Uy…thanx!” [lookin’ from tha bag of chocolates to his bum and then back to tha chocolates again before opening tha bag & offering it to ma cuzins.]
Ok lan siya. Mebbe we can be friendz.
***
As tha unofficial phone call answerer for tha week, I learn’d tis:
1] Cuzin Ralph is tha best friend of some guy named Randall who can’t make it through tha day witout callin’ Ralph at home about two hundred times a day.
2] Cuzin Gela, tha bubblier twin, has a suitor named Lou.

Calls. Messages. Gigglin' over dead silences. Indulging me. I loved that. Why'd you stop? You stopp'd missing me. Have fun hurting me.

found an interesting article by an anonymous author...
"How To Win Arguments Every Time"

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument
on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, steer clear of me at
parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite
me.

You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

* Drink Liquor

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the
economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to
display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about
the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue
forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture.
People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

* Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians
are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are
underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be
better off.

DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."
Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised
tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross
poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too.
Say, "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford
Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the
same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in
my bath house."

* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:
- Let me put it this way
- In terms of
- Vis-a-vis
- Per se
- As it were
- Qua
- So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.,"
and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have
enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say:
"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua
Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they
do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
- You're begging the question.
- You're being defensive.
- Don't compare apples and oranges.
- What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians,
has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponent says: "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say: "You're begging the question."

OR You say: "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponent says: "Liberia is in Africa."
You say: "You're being defensive."

* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolph Hitler might say" or "You certainly do
remind me of Adolph Hitler."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any
of this on people who generally carry weapons

Someone told me I have a clumsy mind. Someone else said that I’m not perceptive for an intelligent person. My ex told me yesterday that he’s still single. I said… I mean he said…
Hy809999pui
IJJJLLL
Sorry, I fell asleep facedown on tha keyboard. Now where was I? Aside from having no Clue, I also have no Life.

Bought tis for maver on her birthday...

Some people worry when they come across that part of an are-you-a-good-friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband etc. quiz where it asks them wut their friend’s fav’rite color, movie, etc. is and they don’t know tha answer. [Geez, so embarrassing I dunno tha answer to questions 103-105! I must be a very lousy friend!] Kinda makes me think, if they git bumm’d by tis kinda thangs, then they must not be super chill wit their pals. For em to be worryin’ bout not knowin’ a pal’s fave color is like sayin’ that they won’t have tha rest of their lives to be discussin’ these thangs. Like they have limited chances to talk and they’ve already blown their chances at great kinship by failin’ to have an early talk about fav’rite thangs. Personally, I revel in slackening and not knowin’ everythin’ there is to know bout ma best bud –thinkin’ that tha small part of him in which I lack knowledge about is wut keeps him and makes him stay wit me. If you’re one of em worried test-takers and you’re still worried over that are-you-a-good-friend low grade u got, there’s actually a way to have a perfect score for these kinda quizzes. Simply have a slam book conversation wit yer friend. Out of tha blue, bark out one queschn after another leavin only a li’l pause for him/her to answer. Like an ordinary slam book, you should include basic queschns like name, nickname, address, etc. Don’t let her butt in wit stories of her first crush or let her elaborate on her fave movie –remember tha more slam book queschns you ask, tha more slam book answers you’ll be gettin’, hence tha higher grade on yer next are-you-a-good-friend quiz!
***
Every’un loves numbers. Just try writing down all of your friends’ e-mail address on a piece of paper, and eventually you’ll come across addies like jobeth_10 or toyz041282. Back in high school when your test paper is return’d back to ya, you will find that it is corrected by anne #15. It is understood that a person’s fav’rite number most likely has sumthin’ to do wit that person & his/her g.f./b.f.’s anniversary date. Once, I ask’d a friend wut his fave no. is and he answer’d like tis: “Wala! Bat para saan ba’ yon?”, in a tone daring me to say that numbers are for attach’d persons & daring me to say outloud that he’s unattached. On tha other hand, there are those unattach’d persons who attach numbers after their names anyway. These numbers usually refer to tha order of their crushes’ initials in tha alphabet [por ejemplo 10 for j=joey], or tha total number of letters in their crushes’ names. In high school, I became aware that a guy wuz crushin’ on me when he marvel’d over how ma 4 names consist of 8 letters each. [“Uy, anggaling noh? Tig-8 letters pala lahat ng pangalan mo!”] I maself used to favor numbers 17 & 19 after tha number of letters in two of ma crushes’ names. I even almost got into a fight when a gurl in ma class found out that we have tha same fav’rite number & she fear’d that we had tha same crush & that I wuz after her crush. Of course, unattach’d crush-deficient individuals still find excuse to attach numbers to their names. They simply use their birthdates. In some ways, havin’ your birthday for yer fav’rite number could really be advantageous. Wut better way to remind yer Alzheimer-infested friends to buy you gifts on yer bday than to be scrawlin’ those dates right after yer name on every pieca paper ya find? I certainly did not forget toyz041282@yahoo’s bday after receivin’ daily streams of forwarded emails from him. Anyway, I must have a fav’rite numbah...right? I do. It’s tha number 3. Had been ma fave # since I wuz a child. Why? I like tha looks of it. I don’t like lookin’ at 5 or 1 or 7. But I don’t spell ma name wit it or put it right after ma name. I’ve undergone a stage [2nd yr highschool- 4th yr] in ma life when I spell ma name 5h1n3! -sometimes I still do but I don’t remember ever spellin’ ma name wit a number right after it. For me, tis practice is almost as bad as tha one where people put an unnecessary “h” in their names. [e.g. Jhun, Bhabes,etc.]
***