On choosing love

Love is a choice, and it has always been that way for me in the past. I think choosing to love is a natural course to follow for girls, especially since it is not us but usually the men who do the picking for us, and we just choose to say yes or reject a love that comes our way.

I can love at will, and I can stop at will, too. I know it sounds mechanical and not at all romantic, but I have lived the first quarter of my life alone and independently before finally caving in and saying yes to a very devoted boy who adored me and loved me with the strongest of passions when I was 24. He was the most sincere, earnest and loving man I’ve ever met that I just can’t refuse him when he asked me to be his girl.

Looking back at all my relationships after him, I have observed that my pattern for loving someone has always been going along with whoever chooses me and humouring his attention/love for me by trying to reciprocate it with as much attention/love as I can. The few times that I had been the one in charge of choosing my partner, I had immediately ended it due to lack of patience in waiting for him to reciprocate my love, or ended it because it never really felt right for me to steal someone else’s love, and I felt the urge to “return” him to his proper owner.

I have always been confident that I can “love” again.

Sometimes, though, I am afraid that I’m not doing it right. “Have I ever really fallen in love?” I ask myself numerous times. I know that one of the most apparent signs of falling in love is holding on and fighting to keep the person you love. However, I found that in my first few relationships, it has always been me who initiates ending the relationship. Sadly, by the time that I have figured out that I was not being the ideal mate by always letting someone go, ironically, it suddenly seemed that my partners are always letting me go.

Now, at a stage in my life where I can choose to love someone else again, I’d like to temporarily release hold on my share of happiness, as I found that it chips away my dignity. As Glory Szabo says, happiness is not a race with other people. I am stronger than my happiness. 

Why I Haven't Settled Down

My favorite celeb look-alike

A boy I've dated told me that his ex-girlfriend (as with most girls in their 20's and up who are obsessed about getting hitched) had demanded marriage from him and that, when it became clear that he will not ask for her hand in marriage and that he won't provide her an engagement ring with a minimum value of P150,000, she had cursed him furiously.

Probably worried that I will do the same to him, hence the sudden sharing of stories, I assured him that no, I was not after marrying him and that no, I won't be tying him down anytime soon after only, what, three months (?) of dating him.

Being a believer in freedom myself, I told him that I have no plans of settling down anytime soon. "It's so much fun being chased after, courted and lavished with lots of attention and affection," I told him. "There's nothing like the thrill of  new devotion being provided by a fresh suitor which I could never get from an old husband who had grown accustomed to taking me for granted," I added. I also told him that it was probably another reason why sometimes I keep breaking up with the men I date because of my constant search for unwavering devotion.

In time, I hope I will also find a man worth tying down for. But for now, I will continue lavishing in the attention and affection of the boys I date.

A Letter To My Soul Mate

To The One I Haven't Met,


I do not know the exact moment I started believing in you. I know I blogged about you in July 2002, and then again in April 2009 -when I believed that you were my first boyfriend and that I've made the fatal mistake of letting you slip away. Here's also another post about you in June 2009, plus more posts here.

I know I exhibit cynical behavior about getting married, and should you have -by any chance- heard me while I was dishing out my doomsday opinions on getting hitched to friends -like I don't care if I don't marry or bear children in this life- you'd probably be turned off right away.

But just the same, I'd like to assure you that I'd still very much like -and I'm hoping so much- to meet you with every fibre of my being. I am in no hurry to meet you because when I do, I know that it will be life's greatest gift to me- just to find the life partner I've been searching for my whole life who can ease all my worries and who I can be comfortable with no matter what I say or do. What's most important is that I find you at all.

When I finally find you, I know that all my insecurities and fears will slip away... That no matter how difficult it is for a man to love me, you will find a way to still do regardless of me being an Iglesia Ni Cristo, or despite my differences from you in background and despite me having traits that are not so easy to put up with. Likewise, I promise to love you unconditionally, and know that I will put your safety, interest and well-being above my own. Also, I will never ever hurt you. I vow that you will get the best treatment ever simply for finding me and giving me love that has no end.

For now, I have stopped my quest to look for you cause I can only take so much heartbreaks at a time. I hope you understand. For the mean time, please take care of yourself and wait for me, for I am on my way.