I wish you’d stop haunting me. I wuz surfin’ tha net, browsin’ thru new blogs tha other day when tha site’s tagboard caught ma attention. It seem’d that tha site owner wuz YOU. Same day I click’d on tha third link of one of ma friends’ blog links and I wuz confronted wit a guy’s post about his friend named YOU.
Early mornin next day, I switch’d to a radio station and heard a certain cough commercial about a gurl who thought she loved some guy but changed her mind and got turn’d off by his cough. Can you take a guess at tha phlegmatic guy’s name? YOU again. I wuz gettin’ really miffed, and tha last straw, I thought wuz when I overheard a guy ask ma friend somethin’ in an office which I had no business enterin’ anyway. He went, “Is [YOUR NAME]’s article coming out this month?” So I scream’d “I HATE [YOUR NAME]!!!” at him –a total stranger who wuz co-owner of tha office I wuz currently trespassin’. And he wuz like, “Er…?” Til ma friend came to ma rescue and told him I don’t really mean wut I said & that I don’t hate tis guy who shared yer name and who happens to be a very nice classmate of ours.
I hafta go wit tha rest of ma mates for video editing later on. And I juz happen to browse a TIME magazine article by Mr. YOU Lenningrad. And guess where we had lunch today? Ma friend pick’d tha place. Good ole BRB in Dapitan. But a closer look, and it reads, “[YOUR NAME]’s” BRB. So you won’t even let me eat in peace. I know your name is common but not that common that I could see you everywhere.
***
Sorry, I can’t do reality.

Sorry, I diden plan on sayin’ goodbye to you tha other day. I plann’d on gettin’ along juz fine wit ya, tellin’ ya about tha bitchings I’ve done for tha day and maybe even finally tellin’ ya about past loves and past hurts I’ve avoided talkin’ about for so long. Sorry but I juz can’t take that li’l trick ya pull’d on me. Suddenly, when all seem fine, I juz can’t take you anymore.
***
Momma, stop worryin’. He’s gone.
***
Love is not easy. Why dya want easy love?
***
Happy birthday, Franz.. I wonder who's farin' off better between tha two of us?
***

I'm not choosy when it comes to jobs. Right now, I don't care whether it be a nine-to-five job, a job that has nuthin' to do wit ma course, or a job in Timbuktu as long as I land an immediate job that pays good and that has nuthin' to do wit bein' an annoying person in suit blockin' shoppers' ways in malls tryin' to get em to buy vacation trips or encyclopedias or sign raffle promos coz i've learn'd that THREE DAYS IN THA HOUSE WITOUT NUTHIN TO DO CAN DRIVE YOU INSANE.

It bett’r have classes tomorrow… I’m gettin’ fat sittin’ round tha house stuffin’ ma face full of tha chocolate toffee pistachio Tita Deng brought.
***
It wuz fun to have ma Tita Deng ‘round tha house for three days. By now, ma wide-eyed eight-year-old amazement at her had worn off to shy respect but as a kid, I used to really look up to Tita Deng. She wuz tha most beautiful and intelligent woman related to me that I’ve ever known & I wanted to be exactly like her when I grew up. As a young New York doctor, she is a wonder herself, and so it amazed me to know that she might be pregnant wit her first kid which is another wonder in itself. We were really excited about it especially since she hasn’t even told her husband yet, and so we were happy wit her. We were happy as ma maver giggled when Tita told her that she’s feelin’ very weird. We were happy as ma mum hurried home from church at night to check if she’s already sleepin’. We were happy as I tiptoed in her room early in tha morn so as not to wake her up. We were happy as ma maver jokingly told Tita to stay away from me so that tha baby wuden catch any resemblance from me. We were happy wit her about tha li’l buster growin’ inside of her and so we were also sad wit her when she ask’d me for a sanitary pad tis morn. Just hoped tha mall distracted her a bit from li’l buster.

You are not mine. You are a borrowed jewel left in ma hands by your owner who has got to go away for sometime. I’m returning you now. That doesn’t mean that I diden enjoy taking care of you. But you hafta go coz you’re not mine and you don’t feel like mine. Maybe she’ll let me keep you. Maybe I’ll accept. But for now you feel like a lost jewel that needs to be return’d.
***
Everyone has his or her own great person. I’m wonderin’ who or where mine has gone -tis great person who would be tha mortal person closest to me in tis world. I’m guessin’ that he or she is a person of the future –a daughter, a nephew, a grandson, or a sister-in-law. Ma great person could also be someone whom I know right now. Maybe it’s ma maver. But we are separated by too much layers of stubborn will and fightin’ back tha emotion to appreciate each other. Could it be ma grandparents? Sometimes I would like to give em a chance too, but sudden closeness just duzen seem right after too many years of polite courtesy and passin’ askin’ about each other’s health as conversation. It could not be ma best friend since fourth grade. She is not ma best friend any more for reasons I can’t tell coz betrayin’ an ex-bestfriend is almost like betrayin’ one’s self. Could it be tis close guy friend I have? I tell him almost everythin’ but I also know for a fact that half of tha time he doesn’t care, and tha other half of tha time, he’s playin his PlayStation or liftin’ weights or other thangs. Could it be one of ma school pals? But I don’t tell em evrythang either fo’ one might spill to tha others & they gon be laughin’ at me. Come to think of it, tha great person could be any of ma friends -i have a lotta great persons in ma life but wut fun is it to have a great person if you can’t be his/her great person too? Apparently, tis great person has not come to me yet. That or I juz need a best friend and/or a boyfriend. Mebbe I’m juz too bitchy to have these things. But half of tha time, I’m also nice. So, c’mon great person…
***
Is sumthin’ wrong wit wantin’ a boyfriend who duzen have a gurl bestfriend, and wantin’ a best friend who duzen have a boyfriend/gurlfriend?

For tha second time this month, I’ve gatecrash’d a wedding. How about that? And a Valentine wedding at that. I feel like a Peeping Tom, like an intruder who gets cheap thrills from snatching glimpses from other people’s happiness. But wut can I do? I’m a sucker for sappy films, sappy books, and sappy weddings, and I extract from ‘em tha same high I git from lookin’ at an assortment of cute bags and earrings on sale although I don’t cry at tha sight of a gorgeous bag.
***
I’m sorry I did not play by tha rules. I’m sorry I forgot that we’re juz suppos’d to be usin’ each other to ward off loneliness and past hurts that haunted us. I forgot that tha player who expects to win loses. And so I guess I’m tha loser. But you know how I hate losin’ …don’t you? And so I made you lose first. Of course, I knew that tha game diden matter much to you anyway.
***
My Kyun-woo, where are you?

Nuthin’ infuriates me more than a wishy-washy indecisive man.
***
Once there were seven Bad Wolves. They were known to be baaad but somehow two French poodles found em interesting, stoop’d down & decided to join tha pack. Tha first French poodle got bored and decided to switch to tha German Shepherd group, which she heard lead a more glamorous life. Now it’s juz tha 7 bad wolves & one French Poodle. “She’s such a dog anyway! She used to lick scraps from other French Poodles’ plates!”, tha bad wolves heard their French Poodle pal say. Although tha second French Poodle could speak English, most of tha time she preferr’d speakin’ in French. Tha Bad Wolves went on speakin’ English since it’s tha only language known to em. One day, tha remaining French Poodle wonder’d why tha bad wolves never spoke any French. As tha days pass’d, she got madder becuz tha Bad Wolves weren’t makin’ any attempt to enroll in a French school so that she could have someone to speak French wit. Although she diden suggest this idea to them, she feels that they shud have guess’d. She wuz also mad becuz tha Bad Wolves had their natural abilities to run & hunt for food. She cuden run as fast and she blamed tha Wolves for bein’ born Wolves instead of bein’ born a French Poodle. One day, she became mad as a bull in her frustration to run as fast as tha Wolves and since no Wolf enroll’d in a French Class yet. She told herself, “Quel dommage! Ce sont muet!” [Wut a pity that they’re so dumb they diden even try enrolling in French & so thoughtless not to rip off their genes and try to gimme some of it so that I cud be a Wolf too!] And so that day, she told em, ”Adieu, sots!” [Goodbye, fools!] and left a very puzzled group of Bad Wolves, who did not understand a word of wut she said.
***
Connect-tha-dots. Connect-tha-dots. Doh! Pea-brain'd brother disconnected tha wires to our winzip so that i can't listen to ma fav'rite CD! And all becuz he wanted me to hear his voice bein' aired as he join'd a stoopid radio contest he recorded on his mobile WHICH HE DIDN'T WIN ANYWAY! Now i hafta play connect-tha-wires, connect-tha-wires, connect-tha-wires... how am i suppos'd to know where they go? Connect-tha-wires, connect-tha-wires...
***
Gawd, people around me are so idiotic today!

Quite funny how I’ve master’d tha art of failing in love. Doesn’t matter much except when I think about tha future. Wut would become of ma children? Will I be good for em? Will they cry all tha time? I worry about them deeply because their mother ain’t tha brightest one in tha universe. Their mum is not keen on crossin’ streets and sewin’ stitches. Had always fail’d in keepin’ love. Future children, if I can’t keep your father, y’all better keep me, a’ite?
***
Found out two thangs today:
1] I like climbin’ monkey bars.
2] I like ridin’ bikes at top speed.
Fox, let’s do it again!

I am weak. I am not worthy. I am human. Walang himala! On this day, tha 11th of February, I went back on ma word. Eh fried chicken eh! ["Ok, pero next time talaga, pag di nyo ko pinayagan, d na talaga ako kakain tsaka sabi mo pa pinapayagan mo naman ako sa ibang event, masama sinungaling!”] Cud I have refused? When tha sight of another potato makes me hurl? When maver bann’d me from cookin’ ma own share of rice? [she said I shuden be wastin’ her gas cookin’ tha same thang she cooks fo’ all of us.] I decided I should just continue ma fasting another time, if tha circumstances call for it again. And it’s not workin’ anyway. Their minds are set. Their jaws are tight. And they were ignorin’ me like tha fool I am. Paver did try to bribe me twice [last Saturday and today] by getting’ me to go wit him to buy food from 7-eleven [he did not succeed], and buyin’ me a Slurpee [which I refused to take] but other than that and tha occasional frowns & snide remarks, I did not get anythin’. Nuthin’ I wuz hopin’ to get anyway. Ma average days of fasting is 3&1/4 days. It's not as if i cud not get through tha whole month wit ma fabulous cookin' too. Of course, naawa lang aco sa parents ko... i mean juz think about how many more Slurpees Paver hafta consume witin a month! d pa naman bagay sa kanya ang may hawak na Slurpee!

I’m not in tha mood for love right now. I’m still busy defying tha parental units. Can we postpone this? Stand back, don’t push it. You might git caught in ma web of indignation. I am tha unreasonable product of unreasonable roots.

In philosophy class yesterday, ma ears caught a certain term, which brought me to think about ma maver. Tha term -which wuz used to describe socialism- wuz “blind obedience”. For mum, there’s nuthin’ quite like bein’ in good terms wit God. She is prudish. She is self-righteous. She is insufferable. Knowin’ her, you’d know she used to be tis prissy, obedient & responsible gurl who looks down smugly on lesser beings like us and never break a rule in her life. She is greatly scandalized by tha littlest thangs and thinks it a mortal sin for a person to cuss. She’ll hate you for not giving more than 2000 bucks to tha church. She is also tha cheapest woman I know except when it comes to her mother, her son, and her God. How about her daughter? Well, sometimes, she forgets to give her allowance accidentally on purpose. And she is so narrow-minded you’ll have a hard time figurin’ out if she’s juz provincial or it’s her Taurean nature seepin’ thru. Come to think of it, ma paver is juz as narrow-minded. Only he doesn’t have his sign to excuse him. Pisceans aren’t known to be narrow-minded.
So wut if I’m piss’d at em? I don’t see how I could have grown to be twenty-one years old and still they trust me like a criminal or a stranger who’ll stay for tha night instead of a daughter they’ve known all their life who’s scatter-brain’d at worst. And lazy. And poor in direction. Okay, and insecure. And a bit gullible. But not a criminal.
Yeah, I’m on a hunger strike. I refuse to eat anythin’ cook’d by maver & I refuse to eat wit em. Wit ma knowledge in cookin’, I guess I’ll live on eggs & mash’d potatoes fo’ now. I’m goin for a month…Well if pam can live witout meat for a year, shoorely I can for a month wit ma own cooking, right? *crosses fingers*

Ma first job interview [Interview wit a vampire]

Armed wit a bank on wheels [paver] and a direction guru [ikot-happy chauffeur Raffy], I set out on ma interview confident that I’ll never starve nor be late for ma interview. Indeed after takin’ a quick lunch, I still had thirty minutes to sit and stare at tha mestiza ladies and nerdy guys who were all waitin’ to be interviewed. I also had tha time to glance at tha identical leathered toes of tha female employees & interviewees, then at ma own bare toes. As three of ma companions were whisked away, I became quite impatient & ask’d tha guard if he could send someone out to talk to. That’s when Cianelle, tha fashionable HRD came. Clipboard in hand, she told me these words: “YOU DO NOT HAVE A SCHEDULE TODAY!” “YOU DID NOT CONFIRM IT YESTERDAY!” I wuz like, “No, really?” and her face goes “Really!” “Maybe you want to set it another time…when would you like it to be?”
But miraculously, she found me a schedule for 2:30 tha same day.
And so tha interview ensued… tha interviewer, to ma relief, turn’d out to be gay. I thought it a relief since gay people are so much easier to get along wit. Tha interview lasted TWO AND A HALF HOURS! [We were vampires who dried out each other’s blood thru detail’d questioning and wide of the mark, stupid answering.] Long enuf for poor paver to git a stiff back from sittin’ outside & long enuf for him to send me four messages. [Antagal!]; [TAGAL!]; [Ano ba? Pinagtrabaho ka na ba dyan? Sabihin mo bukas ka na lang mags-start!]; [Aakyat na ako dyan!]Tha interviewer wuz really nice, only he won’t quit laughin’ at ma serious answers. I really wish he’d quit especially when merely opening ma mouth gets him roarin’ like a hyena again. Somehow I got tha notion that he wants me to pass tha interview, wit him bein’ an alumni of our school and also his perseverance in squeezin’ out tha right answers to queschns seein’ that ma answers don’t always match his queschns. But he could only do so much. I expect that I won’t see him nor tha already familiar fat guard in barong again. All I really wanted wuz an experience at gettin’ grill’d anyway. Who knows? I might actually git a question right tha next time.

Ang printer namin ay isang sumpungin na bata. Ayaw mag-print ng resumé ko. May kakaibang ngitngit na lumalabas sa kanya habang nagsusumamo akong gumawa siya ng kahit na isang matinong kopya man lang para sacen. At ang ingay pa! Balita ko sa paver ko, may daga daw sa computer room.. di kaya may naipit na bubwit sa loob ng printer namin? Samantala, ang buong computer naman namin ay isang suplado na gawain ang lagi na lang akong kutyain at huwag patapusin agad pag may trabaho akong dapat gawin na kailangan ang tulong niya. Ewan ko ba! Layunin ata ng supladong ito sa buhay ay ang huwag akong patulugin...

"Landslide by Smashing Pumpkins"

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
'til a landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I'm getting older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down