How saying yes can turn to co-dependency

Before I ever had anyone in my life,  I was happy spending my weekends window shopping and shopping at tiangges,  ukay ukays,  and mall sales,  buying clothes,  shoes,  earrings, rings and bangles. Even just walking around the mall alone non-stop till it closes had kept me happy before I go home and rest. At home,  I usually read books or surf the net. I was never lonely.

Because the idea of romantic love is idealized,  highly promoted and revered by all, soon I found myself succumbing to the pressure and getting into a relationship just because it's what the society expected and at the same time thinking that it's what I want and I'll be happier as what the movies had shown.

And so, I humoured a suitor by accepting his love and saying yes. Probably, part of what made me accept guys who are sincere, consistent and persistent in their efforts to win my heart is because I'm an empath. I believe that hard work should be rewarded, and if I see that someone has sufficiently worked hard to win me, then I think it's only fair to reward them with my heart, even if I'm not sure it's what I wanted.

However,  I constantly picked fights and insisted on my way all the time. I became irritable and I decided to break up. After this,  a new suitor would come,  and I would humour his affections again, and the cycle would just repeat itself.

Little did I know that by saying yes and accepting those who would express interest in me, I was already slowly being pulled toward a nonstop pattern of co-dependency that has made me stray a bit from what I truly want in life. Every waking day was spent instead on making my relationship with the boy I have allowed in my life work. I have another person's needs to consider and I can't just run off to do my own thing anymore, I have to align my schedule and compromise to go where he wanted me to go. Or else I ignore my inner child's voice to do the hobbies I usually enjoy in favor of spending more time with this important person I'm building my life around with -even if it means I'll just be watching him play his games on his computer or observing him watch his favorite TV show or looking on as he browses Facebook with a hungry-for-love look on my face, waiting for him to throw scraps of attention my way.

Looking around at my friends and most people I know,  I can say that they have it even worse than me. Coupled up people have gotten used to doing things with someone in tow. That's why it doesn't surprise me when a coupled up friend asks me to take her 5-minute yosi break with her,  or when another one asks for company in something as simple as getting a haircut or going to 7-Eleven. I -a girl of strength and independence- am willing to accept and understand this weakness in them enough to agree to their request of temporary companionship even if they leave me alone and coming home the moment their boyfriends arrive to pick them up, never mind that my own safety and security is at risk because they made me come home late waiting for their men to arrive.

Developing co-dependency on the opposite sex is not all in vain,  as it has also brought positive outcomes in my quest to make things work,  causing me to mend my ways and become less selfish - learning to say sorry and getting better at the art of compromise with each relationship so I can save it and keep the peace (and my partner).

However,  I am more proud of myself for the control and for not jumping into another relationship just because I'm lonely or it's cuffing season and I feel the urge to be co-dependent on someone.

Maybe I will say yes again to someone who is consistent, persistent,  sincere,  dedicated,  selfless and most of all interested in being my friend first before anything else.  But until then,  I will be in my passive/dormant -in-love mode. I will not look for love. Neither will I say yes again until I'm absolutely sure. Nor shall I ask anyone to take my love.

Simply put, I will enjoy my strength and independence (growing by the day), celebrate my individuality,  trust my choices and set my goals for a wiser, healthier, happier and more spiritually fulfilling 2k15!

A psychic, albularyo and mangkukulam all rolled into one

Lately, I have decided to explore my interest in the occult/new age resulting in extensive reading on the internet. A couple of weeks ago, I had stumbled upon the blog of one of a fellow new age group member, and as I felt a connection to her through her posts, I've decided to contact her and offer my friendship.

As we chatted, she told me that I was a psychic myself, and when asked how she knew this, she said that psychics can feel each other. I was pleased by her confirmation because I have always thought myself to be a psychic of some sort but sometimes I also think that I'm just being delusional or inflicted with ideas of reference. For the first time, an expert on the subject has confirmed what I've always felt!

Learning more about psychics and empaths, I found that empaths are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others which is why people find it easy to talk to them about their problems. It also said that empaths absorb negative energies of those around them and they tend to put others' feelings before their own.  However,  my psychic friend also said that it's not a good idea to get psychics and empaths mad at you,  and it entered my mind that maybe it's because an empath's special gift can allow them not just to heal other people but to sort of curse/cast a spell on those who had done them wrong,  as well.

In conclusion,  if what the psychic said is true and I am indeed a psychic/empath myself,  then people should be careful to always stay in my good graces,  lest I may accidentally cast a spell on them in a moment of anger. Loljoke!

Hello silence, my old friend

I guess you can say that I have always been clingy. Before internet was invented, I used to yap on the phone for hours with friends, calling one friend after another just to have some form of company, to exchange theories and jokes, gossip about others and ask how they were (which sometimes mislead guy friends into thinking that I have feelings for them when in fact I just don't want to be left alone with my restless mind).

During the era of cellphones, I would register for unlimited texting service to my provider whenever I feel lonely and bombard most -if not all- of my friends with text messages to somehow soothe my nerves.

Soon after the internet became a household essential, it quickly became my next mode of communication to talk to friends. Somehow I always feel the urge to talk to friends -an outlet to my hyperactive mind that doesn't seem to want to rest. It doesn't help that the first guy I entered a relationship with was clingy himself (calling and texting me every single minute of the day) and when I mirrored his actions, he happily encouraged it. As a result, I have demanded my boyfriends in the past to call me everyday and every night and when that doesn't seem feasible to an ex, I agreed to calls placed at least every other day.

Last year though, I met a very antipatiko man who doesn't tolerate clinginess and who won't communicate with me 24/7 even if I ask him to.  During weekdays, any attempt I have to communicate with him will be met with lukewarm, one-word and/or no replies. What we'd do was just see each other at the end of the week. At first, it seemed hard, but it has gotten so that even I don't lift my fingers any more to text him, call him or chat to him. Afterwards, a whole week can pass by with neither one of us hearing a peep from each other, and I have gotten used to it. I guess you could say that the experience taught me to keep to myself. Because now, I don't feel the need to talk to anyone any more. I don't make attempts to get me noticed, to voice what's running through my head and I don't mind if friends don't try to reach out to me, too. I have found ways to keep myself busy and that's why I've been pretty quiet, too. I have found a new interest/hobby that allows me to just  be quietly preoccupied without feeling the need to talk or write.

I have come to accept and embrace silence and it doesn't bother me any more.

Have Yourself A #MerrySMChristmas

SM has always played a huge part in my Christmas -whether it be Christmas of the past back when I was a small little girl like Kendra, or Christmas in the present where I always run to SM for Christmas gifts. That is why I've decided to dedicate a post in answering "What does MerrySMChristmas mean to me?"

1. Being a generous Tita. 

            - MerrySMChristmas means taking the time to be a good tita to my nephews and nieces, godsons and goddaughters. This includes taking my niece, Basha to the mall to have her photo op with the wonderful Christmas display SM has. I also take her shopping for her favorite toys at Toy Kingdom. The trips to SM always puts a smile on her face and seeing her happy is enough to melt any grouchy auntie's heart. 

2. Hearing my favorite Christmas jingles on the mall's speakers. 

       - MerrySMChristmas will not be complete without getting in the mood for the holiday season. Before Christmas rolls around the corner, I can always trust SM to play well loved Christmas jingles on their speakers to get me psyched up for the holiday season as I grocery shop for my daily needs such as meat, rice, noodles, toiletries and other essentials! Among my favorite Christmas songs include classical hits like God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, All I Want for Christmas Is You, Christmas In Our Hearts and the Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire song.

3. Having a festive Sunday family lunch. 

          -MerrySMChristmas is a chance to enjoy a meal with my family without having to worry about preparing and cooking the food. Hence, come December, we head on to SM to eat lunch every Sunday after church before we go and shop for gifts. What makes December Sunday lunches special is how we get to enjoy festive Christmas specials ranging from tasty pasta dishes to succulent roasted pigs and chicken to holiday frappuccino, cookies and cakes.  

4. Reuniting with my friends for a shopping spree then dinner. 

              -MerrySMChristmas is about maintaining strong bonds with the people we love. That's why every year, me and my friends get together to catch up on each other's lives by shopping for Christmas gifts for our family together as well as eating dinner. What better time to buy each other vodka shots, exchange gifts and take the gazillions of pictures with everyone present and at their best attire and moods?

5. Christmas shopping made extra special with extended hours and discounts. 

          - MerrySMChristmas is a chance to enjoy shopping more for me and my loved ones through the season's discounts and extended hours SM gives me. Now,  there is more time to shop and I have more money to spend too!  Win-win! 

6. Doing my share for charity. 

         -MerrySMChristmas means experiencing the joy of giving. That's why this year, I decided to participate in SM Cares' Bears of Joy. 

With SM Cares' Bears of Joy, you can have two bears for only P200 -one to keep and the other to give to charity. Of course, you can also just choose to give both bears to charity (which is what I did.) Just like me, I hope that you will find that exhibiting genuine concern to the less fortunate and doing something to make their lives somewhat better gives you a priceless feeling. To know more about this selfless program by SM and how you can participate, you may visit this link.  

And to rev you up further for the coming holidays, here's something for you... watch what SM has in store for you and enjoy! Merry Christmas to all and may you all feel the true spirit of the season through being considerate, warm and loving to your fellow beings! Cheers! 

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I Movie Review

Had the chance to watch the Mockingjay Part I yesterday thanks to my screening sponsor, Cadbury Philippines. As I came directly from work, we walked in just as the lights have dimmed and the movie is starting. Anyway, my comments:

1. Dragging 
          - The movie was off to a slow start (read: all talk), and as I haven't eaten dinner yet, it was just as well, for I busied myself with the task of eating Wendys' 2-piece Salisbury steak in the dark (which my friend had considerably bought for me) while the cast of characters droned on. But after ample time has passed, the cast were still just talking among themselves, and I started getting impatient. I mean, I know it's nice that it's intellectual and sticking close to the book by inserting as many dialogues and all -but- I'm still an averaged Short-Attention-Spanned moviegoer and I prefer action please over words, thank you very much!

But when you think about it, how else can they stretch the Mockingjay book into 2-part movies and make twice the money if they aren't gonna insert lots of down time talking as "fillers" for the movie? The action only started on the second hour of the movie. So yes, you may sleep on the first half of the movie and set your phone to vibrate an hour later when things start to get interesting.

2.  Jennifer Lawrence can act 
            - Throughout the film, I have noticed one fact: Jennifer Lawrence's acting has only improved over time. Whenever she is anguished, suddenly I also feel tears spilling over my own eyes. I can't help but compare her to Twilight's Kristen Stewart and it makes me more appreciative of Jennifer's ability to act.

3. Look-alikes 
           -  The world has grown so big and populated that nowadays, everyone has at least one celebrity look-alike. Proof of this is how I always find semblances between people when watching movies or meeting someone new. Here are my look-alikes for Mockingjay Part I:

President Coin/Madonna

Boggs/Michael Jordan

Cressida/Girl w/ Dragon Tattoo

Luke Mejares/Beetee

President Snow's cream trench coat/Tablecloth

The movie is not that bad, when it comes down to it from the perspective of someone who has read all three books by Suzanne Collins. However, I'm not sure if those who haven't read the book will have as much tolerance for it, as my friend who haven't read the book seemed lost on what was happening, and asked me to explain some parts of the movie. 

"Wake up. You're gonna be late. I love you," he said,  as I suddenly opened my eyes to find myself alone in my bed, my dream/fantasy slipping away from me. "I love you too," I mouthed back to the air.

My love is humbled down now. It does not demand to be loved back. It is not proud, and will not be used as a phrase spoken over and over again in a louder tone and gritted teeth to bully my love into saying "iloveyou" back to me when he is mad at me. It is now gentle, unassuming, spoken mildly into the air, to be never caught or returned by anyone again. It is meant to be lost in the world, unobtrusive to anyone, wasted as it may go. It is simply be.

There is a certain kind of meekness associated with having feelings of love for someone you're not committed to. The lack of security makes you sick with love and longing and enables you to give the loved one a type of reverence that creates delusions and encourages masochism tendencies. You envision yourself making all sorts of sacrifices for them, being enslaved by them, kissing them even when they're mean and insufferable to you, coming up behind them to give them out-of-the-blue hugs when they're busy playing games and don't wanna be bothered, saving your favorite food for them, and so forth -if only they will love you back. It's as if somehow you know how futile it is to be loved back, and the more that you know this, the more you keep thinking of gestures of grand, noble and sometimes exaggerated proportions -which in your delusional mind you can do- just so you will have that wonderful feeling of being loved back again. It's so hard to cope up with unrequited love, you think.

And then you wake up next day,  and you're fine,  and you conquer the world again without batting an eyelash.

Updated: The True Story Behind the Mysterious Case of Elisa Lam

I was browsing my Facebook newsfeed when I came across the mysterious case of Elisa Lam, a truly spine-tingling, eerie, true-to-life story.

In late February, 2003, the body of a 21-year old Chinese was found decomposing in a water tank in the rooftop of a hotel in Los Angeles. Along with her naked body, her clothes and watch was found in the tank with her.

The Canadian student tourist from the University of British Columbia has been missing for three weeks when her body was discovered in the tank in Cecil Hotel. According to reports, guests have complained about a "funny taste" in the water as well as trickling of "water that starts out as black" before gradually turning back to its natural color. When a maintenance worker came to check on the tank, it was then that Elisa's dead body was found. What's weird about the case is how Elisa could possibly had access to a high security area that is said to be protected by alarms. It was said that Elisa had stayed at the hotel for five days before she started to disappear. It was also reported that she was on her way to Santa Cruz, California when she checked in at the hotel.

What makes the case creepy is the CCTV footage of Elisa in the last minutes of her life before she died, as shown below:

Hide and Seek, anyone?

Elisa looking nervous

In the CCTV footage, although Elisa was clearly alone in the elevator, she made it appear as if someone else was in there with her, as she nervously hides and re-appears behind the elevator's panel, looking at something that is not visible to the human eye. She proceeds to press several buttons on the elevator while the elevator's doors remain open and won't close. She then steps out to study the elevator from the outside and then suddenly starts this very eerie motion of waving around and parting the air with her hands. She continues doing this slow, creepy hand dance movement until she walked away from the elevator and out of sight from the CCTV camera. It was presumed that she went upstairs to the roof top shortly after this, where she met her tragic fate of "drowning by accident".

Because Cecil Hotel had been popular for murders that occurred in 1985 and 1991 (by serial killers Richard Ramirez and Jack Unterweger respectively), and has also been one of the places that was rumoured to be visited by the brutally murdered Elizabeth Short before she was killed in 1947, most are speculating that Elisa may have been lured to her death by supernatural forces or spirits that haunt the hotel that had been known for murders.

However, a genius comment made by a guest on this site is the one that -to me- seemed to make the most sense of all the theories.

According to the guest, Elisa Lam was bipolar and that this was what caused her to hallucinate a lot, which tired her out and also caused her to decide to kill herself after finding out about the water tank on the rooftop. The elevator did not close even after Elisa had entered because she kept on pressing the buttons, which caused the elevator delays in functioning. Further more, the guest theorized that because Elisa continued pushing the button outside the elevator when she goes out of sight from the camera, this further prevented the elevators from closing.

The guest continued that the weird hand gestures Elisa had been doing was actually her way of practicing the swimming motions which she was about to make in the water tank in a few minutes' time. It was theorized that she reached the water tank by going out of the window on the first floor, taking the fire escape ladder towards the roof, and then getting on the stairs towards the second roof. This is what led her to the water tank, which she may have opened partially before jumping in. As the water level in the tank may have been too low, sadly, she may not have been able to climb out of the water as much as she may have wanted too because she cannot go back and reach the top anymore.

Although this may be the most logical explanation to what really happened, questions still can't stop filling my head about what happened:

What was she thinking when she took her life, if this was the case? Was she so depressed that she did it or was she just being delusional and was not aware that she was killing herself? Had she just wanted to go for a "swim"? What was her last thoughts? Did she try to call out for help or changed her mind once she found her whole body submerged in the dark waters? The fact that she was no longer wearing her clothes and watch but her possessions were seen in the tank with her may suggest that she tried to rise up from the water and removed her garments as it weighed her down and kept her from surviving. How long did she suffer before she drowned? 

I also found her three blogs which hint at the depression she may have been battling which led her to her demise:

http://etherfields.blogspot.hk/
http://afineview.blogspot.com/
http://nouvelle-nouveau.tumblr.com/

In etherfields, one of her last posts was about "spending 2 days in bed hating herself", and another one is about berating herself for being "too lazy to exercise".

Meanwhile, her other blog was not too bright and cheerful either. It was empty except for a quote from Chuck Palaniuk she used in describing herself, which was "being haunted by the idea of wasting one's life".

Additionally, in a post in her tumblr account, Elisa talked about how she has to take pills for her depression, bipolar disorder and ADHD, and how she hates having to take the 5 pills everyday:

I wonder what will happen when I take these things long term. Will I ever not need them? 

I call it the breakfast of champions and I hate that I have to take it everyday. I’m basically taking these pills because I can’t handle life. Life is hard and since I can’t handle hard things, I need pharmaceuticals. 

Part of me is still in denial that I’m not sick and this can be solved without pills. 

There is no physical manifestation of my “illness.” If I were to stop taking it, the worst thing would be a headache.

Would I become psychotic and want to off myself? I doubt that very much. For other people, yes there’s a huge risk that will happen but I know I wouldn’t do anything rash like actually jump off a bridge. I’m too much of a coward. Instead I’ll just lie in my bed and let the days pass by. That’s my physical manifestation, sleeping for days in bed. 

Sharing a Beautiful Dream

Today, I want to share an inspiring excerpt from the the book I'm reading called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's an uplifting read that enables the mind to rid itself of all doubts and negativity....

We are going to share a beautiful dream together -a dream that you will love to have all of the time. In this dream you are in the middle of a warm sunny day. You hear the birds, the wind, and a little river. You walk toward the river. At the edge of the river is an old man in meditation and you see that out of his head comes a beautiful light of different colors. You try not to bother him, but he notices your presence and opens his eyes. He has the kind of eyes that are full of love and a big smile. You ask him how he is able to radiate all of that beautiful light. You ask him if he can teach you to do what he is doing. He replies that many, many years ago he asked the same question of his teacher.

The old man begins to tell you his story: “My teacher opened his chest and took out his heart, and he took a beautiful flame from his heart. Then he opened my chest, opened my heart, and he put that little flame inside it. He put my heart back in my chest, and as soon as my heart was inside me, I felt intense love, because the flame he put in my heart was his own love.”

“That flame grew in my heart and became a big, big, fire—a fire that doesn’t burn, but purifies everything that it touches. And that fire touched each one of the cells of my body, and the cells of my body loved me back. I became one with my body, but my love grew even more. The fire touched every emotion of my mind, and all of the emotions transformed into a strong and intense love. And I loved myself, completely and unconditionally.”

But the fire kept burning and I had the need to share my love. I decided to put a little piece of my love in every tree, and the trees loved me back, and I became one with the trees, but my love did not stop, it grew more. I put a piece of love in every flower, in the grass, in the earth and they loved me back, and we became one. And my love grew more and more to love every animal in the world. They responded to my love and they loved me back, and we became one. But my love kept growing and growing.

I turned my head to the sky, to the sun, to the stars, and put a little piece of my love in every star, in the moon, in the sun, and they loved me back. And I became one with the moon and the sun and the stars, and my love kept growing and growing. And I put a little piece of my love in every human, and I became one with the whole of humanity. Wherever I go, whomever I meet, I see myself in their eyes, because I am a part of everything, because I love.”

And then the old man opens his own chest, and takes out his heart with that beautiful flame inside, and he puts that flame in your heart. And now that love is growing inside of you. Now you are one with the wind, with the water, with the stars, with all of nature, with all animals and with all humans. You feel the heat and the light emanating from the flame in your heart. Out of your head shines a beautiful light of different colors. You are radiant with the glow of love and you pray:

Thank you Creator of the Universe, for the gift of life you have given me. Thank you for giving me everything that I have ever truly needed. Thank you for the opportunity to experience this beautiful body and this wonderful mind. Thank you for living inside me with all of your love, with your pure and boundless spirit, with your warm and radiant light.

Thank you for using my words, for using my eyes, for using my heart to share your love wherever I go. I love you just the way you are, and because I am your creation, I love myself just the way I am. Help me to keep the love and the peace in my heart and to make that love a new way of life, that I may live in love the rest of my life.

Team French Vanilla

Me and my pals, Grace and Gen are always up for an adventure. As such, we like to imagine ourselves fine dining and sipping teas in Paris, chic and sassy as can be! We can almost visualize ourselves touring the Eiffel Tower and taking selfies as we pass by couples. As you can see here in our picture, we even have a poster of Paris, and a bag with the iconic Eiffel tower logo.

Another thing we enjoy doing together is devouring good quality chocolates after a meal. In particular, we like the new variant Cadbury has recently launched. Both Cadbury Dairy Milk French Vanilla and Chocolate Mousse are now out in the markets starting this month for P180 for a 180-gram bar. Our barkada is definitely #TeamFrenchVanilla because the creamy and classical vanilla filling goodness of the new Cadbury Dairy Milk French Vanilla chocolates allows us to feel sophistication at its finest any time and anywhere we want to, as well as giving us sweet endings to every meal. With Cadbury French Vanilla, we can have a taste of Paris without even stepping out of our office.

Gone Girl: A Movie Review

Finally had the chance to watch Gone Girl last Monday where I have to plead with the guard at the employee exit to let us in at Shangrila because the mall's already closed. Good thing he listened to me and allowed us in after radio-ing for an approval from his boss. (You rock, kuya!) Moving on, here are my comments on the movie:

1. The acting was not that impressive.

          -  Some reviews had praised Rosamund Pike's acting on the film. I didn't think it was anything special. She basically spoke in a deadpan manner all through out the film,  and did nothing major that can showcase her talent as an actress. I think what happens is a misplaced appreciation. Instead of appreciating the plot of the film which was tied in to any brilliant sociopathic plan Amy Dunne executes, some people look at the complete contrast between her pretty face and her character in the film then easily credits her and her acting for the twists of the film.

     2.   The character is not sociopathic enough. 

          -  After reading about sociopaths and psychopaths, I have learned the key traits of sociopaths as well as how to identify them, and one of their key traits is lacking the capacity to love any other person other than themselves. In the movie, Amy Dunne's mental illness seem to spring from only one cause: her love for her husband Nick Dunne. So much so that it made her contemplate ending her own life -which was a "notice me, love me plea" masked as a form of revenge. It also made her kill another man, etc. In reality, sociopaths function just for themselves and no one else. If ever they will be doing favors for someone else which might seem as a form of love, it will be because they want something in return from them but once they get what they want, they can drop you like a hot potato and move on to their next target. Therefore,  the character created cannot be labelled a sociopath since she can love,  albeit the crazy kind.

    3.    Why didn't they find Amy Dunne? 

          -  If Nick Dunne employed the best and most expensive lawyer and everyone knew about the men she previously dated,  then why didn't they think of looking for her at their homes,  especially with the ex who can't move on and moved to be closer to her?  Just doesn't make sense!

    4.    The movie will make you recognize some of your exes/colleagues/etc.  

         -   As being a sociopath is fairly common nowadays,  I can't help but muse at how similar the main character in Gone Girl was to a former colleague I had who seem to be causing a lot of stress and conflict whenever she's around and whom we even suspect to be quite a crook who steals from the company's funds. Just like Rosamund Pike's character in the movie,  she is also a go-getter and always seem to get what she wants.

    5.    The movie may also promote victim blaming and slut shaming. 

         -  Just as the movie will help us identify when someone we know have idiosyncracies or any form of mental illness, I can predict that in the same way,  chauvinists and similar types of people who watched the film/read the book may use the movie/book as an excuse to victim blame and slut shame people who may have been real victims of rape and other crimes. I certainly hope not.

Always A Fighter

A sad fact of life: It is easier to leave your current partner and find someone else who will give you what you want rather than staying when things have gotten difficult to try to make things work and reach a compromise.

In my earlier relationships, I have always been responsible for leaving. Why will I put up with endless fighting when I can just find someone else who won't fight with me? I justified leaving each relationship I had by rationalizing that I can just find one whose interests and principles match mine and who will be easier to get along with than my current partner. I highly value myself and I should fight for my ideals and what I want, even if it means having to leave another person for it. I was not afraid of being alone.

If we were to base our relationship pattern with how we were as babies -as suggested by most psychology and self-help books- then it can also be concluded that I had been a "leaver" since birth. I came into this world a week earlier than expected. I had left my mother's womb before I was completely "baked". Interpreted, it can be both positive -meaning I am more prone to be early for appointments. Or negative -meaning I am also most likely to leave a relationship too soon, probably before it is given a chance to hurt me.

But lately, I have tried to unhinge from my usual pattern of leaving. In my last two relationships, whenever I felt the urge to up and leave, I either control it and try to give another chance to my partner or when I've already expressed my need to be free, I listen and easily accept when they try to reason with me to stay.

In short, I had become a fighter not for my own cause but for the other person -fighting to keep them in my life, fighting to love them still despite any shortcomings they may have had.

But now that I am opening myself to lessons as part of my goal to a happier me, I am trying to strike the right balance between loving myself and being fair to the next person I will enter a relationship with. This means I won't just fight for anyone if they are not worth it simply to deviate from my old pattern (because the old pattern did not work).Being raised by parents who never wanted to meddle when I try to ask them to beat up past bullies at school, I know that waiting for someone to fight for you makes you weak. Fight for yourself because you are worth it.

Yes, I am back. And this time the fighting is for myself.

Giving Self Help Books A Chance

Me and one of my best pals Ruth had once agreed that people who read self-help books are losers of some sort, laughing and making fun of her blue-eyed contact lens-wearing former classmate in school  who bragged that his favorite books include overrated self-help book titles. I personally hated the preachy tone some self-help book authors use in their books. I don't wanna be paying money only to be ordered around by some self-righteous know-it-all stranger.

Around nine years have passed since we made fun of the self-help guy, and after a few failed relationships and lessons, I have decided to give self-help books a chance. After all, what's wrong with wanting to improve yourself if it will help you communicate better with others and have better relationships with everyone?

I have found that not all self-help books preach in an irritating know-it-all voice, and I also found that these books operate mainly under one principle (which echoes and confirm what I have been thinking and theorizing about relationships all along) - the more you demand, the more you push your partner away and the less you demand, the happier you will be.

Case in point based on my observation of the people around me is when a girl pushes for marriage to her boyfriend who is not yet ready for it or when a guy pressures his girl friend to convert to his religion when the girl doesn't feel like converting to a different religion. In both cases, the person's desire to get what they want becomes so great that it outgrows their love for their partners and it consumes them so much that it becomes their chief goal in life, without caring anymore for anything less. It's actually sad when I see friends become like these, and it can only be called as what Eckhart Tolle said, "simply using the person you are with as a means to an end". The relationship or the person you are with is no longer of primary importance to you or even of no importance at all because what have become most important to you now is what you can get out of the relationship -be it marriage, sex, money, yielding of one's will or some sort of reinforcement to your ego.

Here are similar words of wisdom from Anthony Robbins:

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. ”

Start by Believing In Yourself

A most common reaction to breaking up is usually finding replacement to erase the LGS (Last Girl Syndrome) or LBS (Last Boy Syndrome) stuck in their heads/hearts. In fact, some boys and girls even go on a  "race" to enter a new relationship if only to avoid the embarrassment that comes with "being replaced" as well as to get out of the pain and heartbreak in the quickest time possible.

What happens then is an impatient quest for a replacement that compromises the quality of the relationship and the person being sought. When we don't pause to breathe from a heartbreak, we mostly end up in -guess what- another heartbreak which brings us back to where we started.

It is so easy to just plaster on a band-aid to a wound rather than being bothered with the meticulous cleaning of it that most of the time we just end up wondering why the wound is not healing at all. Then we end up taking off the band aid much much later only to discover that underneath what we've hidden from the rest of the world for a time (which we led everyone to believe is already healing speedily) is a wound that's still as fresh as it had been the day we first got it injured. Now don't we wish we had just took the extra time to clean and treat it correctly the first time around instead of just going by a quick fix that ended up being a waste of effort on our part?

Similarly, healing from a broken heart/ relationship that ended requires hard work and a determination to fix ourselves -and the first step in doing this is by starting to believe in ourselves.

Believe in yourself that you are worthy of love that people write novels about. Believe that your soul mate is in fact out there and not aborted at birth, that you are worthy of getting a proposal bestowing you a lifetime of love, or that you deserve to have some one you will love enough to propose your life to. Identify your own faults that are preventing you from getting a shot at full happiness and believe that you can change them. After all, anything worth having is worth working hard for and waiting for.

Believes In Formal Goodbyes

According to psychologist Carl Rogers, he has found it most useful to always try to understand the other person. Our initial reaction to most statements is judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is an immediate “that’s stupid,” “that’s abnormal,” “that’s wrong,” “that’s impossible,” “that’s not nice.” We rarely permit ourselves to understand what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.

-The paragraph above is an excerpt from Dale Carnegie's book called How to Win Friends and Influence People. 

I've decided to include it in my post because my belief to listen to what another person has to say -regardless if that person has hurt my ego- is what pushed me to rein back my pride and decide to see a person who has just rejected me and broken my heart. More than anything, I wanted to understand how he was feeling so I can give him what he wanted completely and peacefully. 

During our last few days to talk, he was showing me attitude. For someone who has broken my heart, he was exhibiting weird behavior -cancelling out last minute plans to meet me, being late by almost 2 hours, and being cold and unsmiling. It was almost as if I was the one who broke his heart. I decided to give him his space and his peace the day of our scheduled last meeting, to just let him be and figured that if he wouldn't talk then there's nothing I can do but just gather the things I've left in his place as originally planned. 

But on the cab on our way home, I relented. 

"Sit with me", I urged him, patting the seat next to me, inching close to the door and making space for him at the back of the cab. He pretended not to hear me and sat in front with the driver. I sighed and watched as the cab passed by a number of places. But I can't pretend to be preoccupied with the schools, gas stations and local beer houses that we zipped by as the time we had left with each other is quickly getting shorter. 

I started staring at the back of his thick skull and started talking to him silently in my head. "Psst." I said in my mind. "C'mon! Why so serious?" I teased him in a friendly way inside my head. The back of his head remained stiff and unmoving. 

Suddenly, I can't control it any more. I decided to close the gap between my pride and my heart, reached out and tentatively held his hand which was resting at his chair's head rest. "Psst. Ako 'to." I continued with my silent talk to him in my head. Even if he was just sitting in front, he seemed so distant to me.  I've always held his hand in the past to feel close to him even without speaking. 

I silently told him that it's okay, that me holding his hand just meant that I have forgiven him for letting me go, and that there's nothing to fear. "Ako lang to", I assured him again in my head. Until the last moment,  I just wanted to hold his hand and make him feel that I am on his side and that I'm not out to get him for his decision. It was at this moment that his hand slipped away from my grasp. I retrieved my freed hand to wipe away my silent tears. 

After a while he placed his hand back on the head rest and tapped it twice with his head still turned away from me. I took it as a signal that he wants to be held. I moved forward in my seat, placed both hands on his big hand and held as if my life depended on it for the rest of the ride home. 

Rurouni Kenshin Kyoto Inferno/The Legend Ends Movie Review

Before watching any of the 3 Rurouni Kenshin movies, I have never watched even 1 episode of the Samurai X animated TV series. The reason I watched the first movie 2 years ago was because my ex-boyfriend was a fan of the TV series.  And now that I have watched all three installments of the movies, here are my observations:

•  Rurouni Kenshin (Takeru Satoh)  fights in cute, small jerky motions.  

         - I've always had the impression that samurais are these highly esteemed kind that are almost at par with the nobilities. As such, I expected them to fight gracefully and be nimble on their feet (like Sojiro). I expected them to glide effortlessly on the ground like, say, Michael Jackson when he's moonwalking, or that I will gape openmouthed while they fight in a smooth, suave way.  Watching Kenshin in his fight scenes, I have observed that he has these signature "small-man" jerky movements that are not at all graceful but cute. He swings his head left-right while taking small steps forward and then swings his sword in two successive one-two quick swishes in one direction. And to witness him fight is an experience much like watching your nephew perform. You watch him with fondness of his quirks and mannerisms that have grown to be familiar to you. 

Here he is doing his "small-man" signature walk-turn

• Key moments/scenes of the film are highlighted by rain. 

- I've also noticed that important parts of the film always happen when it's raining or rain will suddenly add effect on an already serious/dramatic scene, such as when Kenshin watched the burial of the man he slained, when he went to save Kaori, and when his Master asked him to figure out what it is he lacked. 

• Sanosuke reacts and bleeds in extremes.

- My favourite character of the film, funny side kick Sanosuke is depicted as always reacting in extremes complete with his animated facial expressions -whether it be joy, anger, sadness, etc. While there is no shortage in his reactions at every situation, in the same way, I have also noticed that his every fight scene has him bleeding profusely so that blood completely covers his teeth while gushing from his mouth as well as all over his body, making me wince at his sight.  

• I loved the OST.

- The soundtrack for the movie "Hiten by Naoki Sato" did not sound so special at the beginning then you will hear it build up to majestic drum beating and then segue-ing to the background music for the epic fight scenes we have all came to love from watching all three installments of the movie.

• Shishio reminds me of baby back ribs. 

A Letter to God

Dear God,

I haven't been your biggest fan for so long. In fact, I haven't talked to you for years because I have been sulking for a while and felt like you favor your other children over me. How else can I explain why my wish for happiness is pushed aside while you grant friends, families and acquaintances their soul mates/lifetime partners? I felt left out -like I'm your least favorite child in the world, and that you feel the need to give others (particularly my friends) what they want while you let me wait and wait and be miserable without my other half.

But lately, a friend of mine has encouraged me to try talking to you and see if it will make me feel better. As I have felt that I have come to one of my lowest points in life recently when I've gone through a heartbreak and someone I considered a friend broke my trust in a totally unbelievable and depressing way, I've decided to give it a shot. Every morning as I walk towards my ride to work or when I remember it, I talk to you and pray that the friend who has betrayed my trust will make things right by taking responsibility for what he has done. Additionally, I have also continued to ask you for the one thing I have been asking constantly from you ever since -to give me my lifetime partner and to let me know once I have met him.

With what's happened lately, I know that this was your doing, and that you are working in order to grant me my long standing wish. With this in mind, I'd like to give thanks to you for making this possible for me. You and I may not be as close as you and your devout followers, but at this time of hurt, betrayal and confusion, I'd like to believe that you are holding my hand when other people's hands have slipped away from mine.

On choosing love

Love is a choice, and it has always been that way for me in the past. I think choosing to love is a natural course to follow for girls, especially since it is not us but usually the men who do the picking for us, and we just choose to say yes or reject a love that comes our way.

I can love at will, and I can stop at will, too. I know it sounds mechanical and not at all romantic, but I have lived the first quarter of my life alone and independently before finally caving in and saying yes to a very devoted boy who adored me and loved me with the strongest of passions when I was 24. He was the most sincere, earnest and loving man I’ve ever met that I just can’t refuse him when he asked me to be his girl.

Looking back at all my relationships after him, I have observed that my pattern for loving someone has always been going along with whoever chooses me and humouring his attention/love for me by trying to reciprocate it with as much attention/love as I can. The few times that I had been the one in charge of choosing my partner, I had immediately ended it due to lack of patience in waiting for him to reciprocate my love, or ended it because it never really felt right for me to steal someone else’s love, and I felt the urge to “return” him to his proper owner.

I have always been confident that I can “love” again.

Sometimes, though, I am afraid that I’m not doing it right. “Have I ever really fallen in love?” I ask myself numerous times. I know that one of the most apparent signs of falling in love is holding on and fighting to keep the person you love. However, I found that in my first few relationships, it has always been me who initiates ending the relationship. Sadly, by the time that I have figured out that I was not being the ideal mate by always letting someone go, ironically, it suddenly seemed that my partners are always letting me go.

Now, at a stage in my life where I can choose to love someone else again, I’d like to temporarily release hold on my share of happiness, as I found that it chips away my dignity. As Glory Szabo says, happiness is not a race with other people. I am stronger than my happiness. 

Why I Haven't Settled Down

My favorite celeb look-alike

A boy I've dated told me that his ex-girlfriend (as with most girls in their 20's and up who are obsessed about getting hitched) had demanded marriage from him and that, when it became clear that he will not ask for her hand in marriage and that he won't provide her an engagement ring with a minimum value of P150,000, she had cursed him furiously.

Probably worried that I will do the same to him, hence the sudden sharing of stories, I assured him that no, I was not after marrying him and that no, I won't be tying him down anytime soon after only, what, three months (?) of dating him.

Being a believer in freedom myself, I told him that I have no plans of settling down anytime soon. "It's so much fun being chased after, courted and lavished with lots of attention and affection," I told him. "There's nothing like the thrill of  new devotion being provided by a fresh suitor which I could never get from an old husband who had grown accustomed to taking me for granted," I added. I also told him that it was probably another reason why sometimes I keep breaking up with the men I date because of my constant search for unwavering devotion.

In time, I hope I will also find a man worth tying down for. But for now, I will continue lavishing in the attention and affection of the boys I date.

A Letter To My Soul Mate

To The One I Haven't Met,


I do not know the exact moment I started believing in you. I know I blogged about you in July 2002, and then again in April 2009 -when I believed that you were my first boyfriend and that I've made the fatal mistake of letting you slip away. Here's also another post about you in June 2009, plus more posts here.

I know I exhibit cynical behavior about getting married, and should you have -by any chance- heard me while I was dishing out my doomsday opinions on getting hitched to friends -like I don't care if I don't marry or bear children in this life- you'd probably be turned off right away.

But just the same, I'd like to assure you that I'd still very much like -and I'm hoping so much- to meet you with every fibre of my being. I am in no hurry to meet you because when I do, I know that it will be life's greatest gift to me- just to find the life partner I've been searching for my whole life who can ease all my worries and who I can be comfortable with no matter what I say or do. What's most important is that I find you at all.

When I finally find you, I know that all my insecurities and fears will slip away... That no matter how difficult it is for a man to love me, you will find a way to still do regardless of me being an Iglesia Ni Cristo, or despite my differences from you in background and despite me having traits that are not so easy to put up with. Likewise, I promise to love you unconditionally, and know that I will put your safety, interest and well-being above my own. Also, I will never ever hurt you. I vow that you will get the best treatment ever simply for finding me and giving me love that has no end.

For now, I have stopped my quest to look for you cause I can only take so much heartbreaks at a time. I hope you understand. For the mean time, please take care of yourself and wait for me, for I am on my way.

Keep Calm and Watch Movies

There is nothing better than watching the latest movies -admiring the cinematography, watching the plot unravel, seeing your favorite movie idols once again, appreciating the songs played on its soundtrack, judging the special effects they used for enhancement, comparing it to other movies and so forth. But out of all the movies I've watched, the movie that really made me fall in love with watching movies is the Korean film Old Boy. Unlike your typical movie, the unexpected twists and turns of the plot, the teeth-gritting scenes, the taboo elements and the hair-pulling ending has made my heart thump wildly in my rib case, even more wildly than it could ever thump after riding steep roller-coaster rides!

And if you're a movie buff like me, wouldn't you wish there's an app that can make watching movies easier for you by letting you check the screening dates, schedules and places for the movies you wanted to see ahead of time?


Well you can thank your lucky stars cause now there is an app made exactly for that purpose -Globe's GMovies! A first and only one of its kind in the country, GMovies allows you to begin your movie going experience anytime, anywhere! Stay updated with the current and upcoming movie releases on cinemas nationwide, get the best seats and buy your movie tickets straight on your smartphones! Powered by Globe Telecom, this film-tastic mobile app is FREE for download for both Android and iOS users. For me, GMovies is the ultimate pocket app for my movie fix because it's fast, easy-to-use and doesn't take up too much space in my phone. 

Now that you know about GMovies, you can download it yourself in your phone and find out how it can help you plan your movie schedules. Care to share what made you fall in love with watching movies? Answer by posting a comment on this blog post and get a chance to win two (2) FREE movie dates each week for one (1) month! Happy commenting!