My Extended Sorry

The following are my extended apology to you, done in your name and for your forgiveness of me and hoping it somehow makes up for my discontinuance of eternity with you:

• Being nicer to my next relationship.
• Being more patient.
• Putting up with shit.

Sometimes I know that I offer myself for abuse and attract jerks almost deliberately as penance for giving up on us, and even though they are not you and there’s no way for you to appreciate what I’m doing to them in your name, it’s just actually my way of saying sorry to you. Sorry I messed up big time. Sorry I failed you and us.

I recently took a Facebook quiz and was surprised that the results matched my Angel even if I did not say anything about the green color. Whoa!

Here's what it said:
5h1n3 took the Who is your Guardian Angel? quiz and the result is Raphael

"Healing power of God", "The Divine has healed", "God heals" Hebrew word rapha means "doctor" or "healer". Raphael is a powerful healer and assists with all forms of healing - humans and animals. He helps to rapidly heal body, mind and spirit. The chummiest and funniest of all Angels, Raphael is often pictured chatting merrily with mortal beings. He's very sweet, loving, kind and gentle and you know that he's around when you see sparkles or flashes of green light. Part of Raphael's healing work involves spirit releasement and space clearing. He often works with Michael to exorcise discarnate entities and escort away lower energies from people and places. As well as a healer, Raphael is known as the "Patron of Travelers" because of his help with Tobias and his travels. He assures that all your transportation, lodging and luggage details go miraculously well. Raphael also helps with inward spiritual journeys, assisting in searches for truth and guidance. Raphael is protecting and helping healers such as doctors, therapist and surgeons. Raphael not only helps you to heal from physical, emotional and mental pain, he also heals wounds from past lives. He is a Keeper of Holy Grail the highest spiritual energy of unconditional love that heals everything.

Hope it will find its way to you wherever you are

Last night I found out that I still believe in my soul mate. Although the belief is not as great as it used to be, yesterday, after speaking to my Angel, I found myself thinking briefly about him and then composing and singing sad songs hoping it reaches him somehow. I know deep within me there’s a void only he can fill. I know there’s a chance I may never meet him in this life and this saddened me and brought lots of tears to me last night even if I’m nowhere near pms.

Be Happy When Someone is Mad at You

It's good to feel someone's anger cause it means that someone thought highly of you and it was you who let him/her down. It's more insulting when you've done something not up to standards and people will react neutrally cause they have expected you to fail.

I believe in angels.

People close to me know that apart from being an eternal pessimist, I am an agnostic too. Despite this, there is a glimmer of faith from my being which comes in the form of belief in the existence of angels –having been fascinated by them ever since I watched Date with An Angel as a young child.

Even if I have given up on my soul mate and have resigned to the fact that he might have been aborted before birth, I still like to believe that I have a guardian angel watching over me at all times. This guardian angel is what keeps me sane and keeps me safe. He is the one accountable for me coming home with money and limbs still intact despite walking at odd hours in our notorious ice-pick stabbing neighborhood. When something hurts physically, typically my stomach because of acidity, I call on him and imagine him wrapping his wings around me and giving me a magic angel cure, and instantly I’ll feel better. Likewise, I imagine him soothing me when mortals hurt my feelings. He finds ways so that somehow my emotional pain is tempered down through his angel powers. He looks after me and hides things like an ex and his new girlfriend from me when I happen to be in the same place with them so that I won’t get hurt. Every time something hurts –whether physically or emotionally– I find comfort in coming to him and being pacified of all ailments. Being my angel ever since I was young, he knows how many times I have fallen and hurt myself, my weaknesses, and my fallibility. For some reason, I have envisioned him to have a green aura or ray around him. Perhaps this was the single trait I remembered about him when he showed himself in my dreams/subconsciousness. However down or lonely I get, I know that I can stop myself from jumping into yet another heartbreak/relationship doomed to failure because I have my Angel and he looks after me unconditionally. And besides, the concept of him is more realistic than the Soul Mate or a relationship with a man that is easy to get along with.

Kelly Clarkson




the Epitome of . . .




Stressed Singing




Constipated Pleading



Forehead- Knitting Hardships



Merciless Wailing



and Inconsolable Anguish.

Miley Cyrus Ultrasounded

Some people find the absence of an upper lip an irresistible trait for a guy...

The Daters a.k.a. the Blindfolded Ones

Whilst nursing an insomnia which kept me up till 7am today [after going home at 4am], I recently realized how daters and everyone of us who are on the quest of finding their partners are really similar to blindfolded ones feeling their way uncertainly along life, finding their soul mates. When we meet someone, we aren’t aware that the person is wrong for us simply because our good judgment is hindered by the blindfolds we are wearing. So whilst we are like mismatched socks with our partners, we continue helplessly on because we are unable to see they are wrong for us, and we can’t trust others to know more than we do for they are equipped with their own blindfolds as well. The only way we know that we are with the wrong ones is when things go wrong. Meanwhile, we spend time, money, effort, etc. on the wrong people because we are all blindfolded.

Their Superhero

This morn, at the early hour of 9am BT [Bum Time], I woke to the sounds of both progenitors alternately waking me up in manner of frantic house-is-burning hysteria. “What’s the matter?” I asked one of em in a voice thick with sleep through closed lids while I try to encourage my dream about sending letters to go on. “Hurry, we need you to press the right button! Things lost forever are at stake!” my mother said in a loud clear voice which dispelled my dream and effectively scared it away. When I popped my head out of my room, I saw both parents gesturing hopelessly towards the laptop computer. [We are afraid to Eject! Things might be lost forever!] With a sigh, I approached to do the daughter task of reading the warning message and obediently cancelled then re-opened the file as they interjected “We want to watch the 24/7 again!” After Pacquiao’s facial-haired face went back on screen, I trudged to my room to chase my dream but it refused to come back so I got up and fixed a coffee-bean based oatmeal breakfast for self.
***

Phone Bitch

An unknown number texted me one morning asking me who I am. Tha hell will I answer an impudent nervy person demanding to know who I am when I’ve got better things to do with my time and my phone! So I more or less expressed that thought to the unknown intruder via text and the person enigmatically texted again, claiming that I knew it since I called it by name not too long ago. Having no patience for such tactics, I called to cut down the crap on identity guessing games. The person who had so much balls to demand who I am turned out to have no balls in answering its phone so fed up with people like these who’ve got nothing to do with their time but play childish mind games, I texted one final message to the non-person at the other end of the mobile: “Niloloko ka lang niya.” [You’re being played at.] was my final message to the loser who never bothered me again after that.

Breaking Free of Things that Hold Me Down

As God’s favourite child, I know that He gave me my goddess traits for a reason. He created me in His image for a reason. And although I have no way to determine if what I pick up on the way to my Ultimate Destination is good, bad or good but rotten inside, I know that I have the brainpower to put the bad things down immediately and to start looking closely for the Good One.

Each time I happen to hear the landline ring and hear my mobile phone beep, I am being gracious to your persona which everyone but me has doubted. Every time I glance expectantly at the communication gadgets, I am raising the level of your individuality [which has failed me and broken my faith several times] to a height it may not deserve or to a courtesy which you may not be capable of. Only to find, time after time, that you follow the natural path and category cast to you by my friends as the Jerk From Hell. Never will you break another promise to me.

To be a girl is to:

• Wait for the phone to ring on evenings and to talk to a sincere guy.
• Be fetched from home for a date, and most importantly, be securely escorted home from a date especially in the evenings.
• Receive flowers or other small tokens of appreciations.
• Be cuddled indulgently.
• Feel beautiful and to be made to feel even more beautiful.
• Be appreciated tremendously.
• Have someone listen to her and support her emotionally, most especially when she’s down in the dumps.
• Not have to wait to hear from a person who misses, cherishes, and adores her for he will do these things automatically if he is worthy.
• Be indulged in feasible, reasonable fantasy dates or feasible reasonable fantasy activities and fantasy places to visit.

The reason a man would lie and mistreat a woman that is good to him

According to http://help.com/post/234488-can-anyone-tell-me-the-reason-a-man is because:

• He may not value any relationship. He can not commit so each relationship is just a means to an end. He is just in it for what he can get out. He expects every one to do their part except for himself. He has a false sense of manhood and probably drew some beliefs growing up that that is how woman should be treated.
• Many reasons, maybe he doesn’t like the girl, maybe he doesn’t like himself, maybe he doesn’t like life, he has a complete lack of respect for women.

• Some simple reasons
  -He doesnt like her
  -Doesnt feel worthy
  -Scared of commitment to such a thing

  For some reason, there are many people, most are males, that have a tendancy to stray. Apparently it comes from a sense of boredom, often resulting from lack of emotional attachment.

  Some males think about themselves more than their significant others.

  There are also different types of cheating. Some do it once, then confess for guilt and never do it again. Others though do it prolifically for no apparent reason.

• It is very strange why a man would do something like that, depends on what exactly..
  But in fact sometimes the man does many things to test the love and patience of a woman. Trapped in love yet wanting to be free they lose their minds so many times.
  To lie especially of unfaithfullness is easier then to tell the truth, face being judged, unforgiven and losing the one precious thing in ones life…In another form of mistreating a woman that is good to him and possibly loves him…Most probably because of dominance, afraid to lose control, afraid of losing the person, it mostly hides between what they have learned how to treat a woman etc from not so good people…maybe from abuse father or tough love scenario..anger frustration, tension misunderstood that can lead to emotional outbursts..the man probably behind it all loves the woman, is scared of losing and at the same time testing the woman’s love…all around is a circle that doesn’t seem to stop…at the core of tension and fear if that is found out and dealt with it should solve the situation..

So touched by Katy Perry's Thinking Of You video...

Someone asked me when to cry? This is my answer:

You shed tears when you lose someone good to you and you're the one to blame. Otherwise, you just realize you have been keeping trash, throw it away, and get annoyed for the waste of time and inconvenience caused.

She may not know it but every time she sleeps, her soul temporarily leaves her body to travel to a dimension where souls go when their bodies sleep. It is at this place where souls meet their soul mates to be together which they forget about when they go back to their bodies and wake up. It is where she converses everyday with the person closest to her heart, where she makes sure to find him wherever he is in the large dimension to be next to him before going back to her body, losing consciousness, and forgetting everything done or talked about in the Dimension.

She may not know it but they sleep next to each other everyday in this dimension –the only place where they can bond, talk about each other’s lives, each other’s current partners, and wish for the day when they will meet if they aren’t together yet. It is the only time when they feel closest to another person. It is the only time they are truest to themselves. The only time when they can talk about anything without reservation and know that they won’t be judged. It is undoubtedly their best time of the day and the reason why they will wake up in the morning in an inexplicably good mood. It doesn’t bother them that although they feel closest to each other, they do not know each other’s names.

Yesterday she went to the Dimension to find her first love. After searching for a long time amidst the sleeping bodies of soul mates floating next to each other in space, it broke her heart to see her first love floating next to someone else –his current love. She noiselessly moved close to the couple and hovered over them as they slept, wanting to take heart and tell him how he’s been feeling lately. Careful not to wake them up, she spoke to him through her mind.

“Hey there. I’m here to tell you I’m still lost. It’s just I’m still a bit upset that you let me go. How could you ever do it? Don’t you know I don’t know what’s best for me? Before you came I was strong. Unprotected but strong. You came and your love weakened me. I have become so used to your love as a constant shield. I felt I can do anything… I lean back on steep places cause I know you won’t let me fall. I trusted you to save me every time. And you did. I’m sorry I leaned too far back that last time and you let go. I was just acting strong. I thought I could still be strong like before… you know? Before I met you. Now, I’m so scared. I’m an angel with a broken wing. I take very very deep breaths and feign strength before taking flights but I always fall flat on my face and always end up bruised. I hate going to places. I hate doing things. What fun is it now when I don’t have a wing? Suppose something happens to me when I’m out? I’d rather stay home and sulk. I have so many scars now… do you see them? I collected them since I lost my wing.”

She saw how his arm was protectively looped around her and noticed how she, in turn, had her arm linked around him. This girl he was with loved him and treasured him, she can see this. Perhaps this girl never leaned back unlike her who was a horror when taken care of. She continued.

“It was only with you that I felt love overflow. Not only did you fill up my cup of need for love but you filled it to the rim and allowed some to overflow to the edge. With others I have always felt inadequate. They leave me hungry. They frustrate me with the feeling that something is lacking. Their love was never enough.”

She was crying helplessly now. “I am sorry I have been a nuisance to take care of. Sorry I rebelliously told you to let me go. You who have been the best to me. I am sorry I hurt you by driving you away but look who has more scars now. I just want you to know although I have never properly thanked you, I am really grateful for all that you have done for me. Your every action was a tribute to your unconditional love for me. And… I just don’t know what to do now.”

And with these last words she fell asleep with tears in her eyes, hovering above the couple, and with her hands wistfully above the space enclosing her first love, who had arms around another love. She does this cause she wants to give him good dreams and keep him safe for the night –this man who had so gently taken good care of her not so long ago.

As her eyes close, her soul mate finally located her drifting weirdly above a couple, a sad look in her face. A bit disappointed that she fell asleep already and they did not get to talk before she went back to her body but understanding that his other half is still going through the difficult times of transition now, the soul mate drew close to plant a soft kiss that took away the sadness from her face, and covered her with a blanket made from his favorite cloud. He placed his hands above him to give her good dreams and went to sleep himself, praying for the day they will meet so that her scars can start healing.

The Battle of the Bums Chapter 2

When you are a bum and have nothing to do in your time, it is easy to think-think-think. Think of all the Things Lacking In Your Life, Think of how to Amuse Self with Low Funds, and most of all: Think of Ways to Quarrel with Other People by means of Thinking and Dwelling on Other People’s Flaws. So what happens when a bum co-habits wit another bum? They fight mentally which could end up physically. And so goes the story behind my Right Side of Head Migraine last Tuesday. Paver asked me a question to which my heat-induced sarcastic reply was met with an uppercut [Tiger Tiger Uppercut!] to the right eye of yours truly. Not being able to resist, I came up with another retort, and he came up with another punch –but this time screened by Maver who obstructed the Pummeling Senior Bum with her body. Ain’t nothin’ like bumhood to provide you with some real blood pumping action right in your homes!

Thank God for Friends.

I don’t think I have ever properly appreciated my friends. My friends do the wonderful job of looking after me when they know that I don’t do it too well for myself.

There are my AKB Sisters –who, like fairy godmothers- tsk tsk at me disapprovingly and discuss among themselves my most recent foolishness in Yahoo Conference as if I’m not there myself, and scold me in unison and all caps. In high school, they used to pool their bodies together to hide me from the annoying guy who has a crush on me shall he happen by to look for me. If they’ll get off earlier, they’ll oblige our guy friends to take me home and ensure my safety before the guy friends are allowed to go home themselves. One of them –Roxanne– just recently went out of her way to call long distance from another country to very sweetly rebuke me for my current reckless acts of youth and even instructed our other friends to pick me up everyday from work just to ensure that I do not get hurt. Yes, they protect my emotions.

Then there’s my Saturday Club –combined group of friends from my Journalism class in college consisting mainly of Philippine Gay Association, Mano Po, and my own clan the Fox Group. There’s P.I.C. [Partner In Crime] who treats me out to expensive dinner and desserts to reward me every time I make a decision that’s bordering on the intelligent and veering towards the direction of Getting Myself Treated Properly. As she knows that “freebies” are the way to my heart, she also always feed me every time I’m down in the dumps. There’s hyperactive Bogart who –even though I’ve pissed to the point of threatening me not to show my face to her lest I wanna be seriously wounded, and who crowned me as the person responsible for getting her at her angriest level yet­– still tells me she’ll pray for me when she sees I’m in a fix, and bullies me to make the right decisions and tells me that she doesn’t want me ruining my life, and that she cares for me and doesn’t want me to get wayward.

There’s also my Office Pals. Docile, sweet-faced Mon2 who fiercely [well she tries!] intimidates men into taking care of me and taking me home or else; Nykko who uses surprisingly good metaphors to get through my thick skull; and Yaya who brings me kakanin pasalubongs, carries my laptop bag [when in a good mood], and can be ordered to turn on the lights, bend under the table and unplug my cellphone charger, fetch me from home, take me home and do cartwheels for me when I’m bored.

And because they love me and I love them, I will try to be Better to myself. Enough of the Sado-Masochism tendencies. I will also try to lessen my B.S. Tolerance levels.

For the special person I chose not so long ago,

The ff. are the things you do that make me smile:

• never failing to call me those first few times
• missing me and calling a couple of times even when you're out on a despedida gimik with friends
• the way you languidly relish each hug I give you
• the crying sound you make when you miss me or when I pretend to walk away from you
• your blunt way of analyzing things
• your imitations of people in your stories
• letting me win in Tekken

These, my man, are the things that make you a good man. Build on them and cultivate them and remember them when you find that special girl to love. And even though things happen, and things don't go as planned, keep in mind that someday -if not with me but with some other girl- it will be. And that all good things come in God's time.

A Letter to the New Owner

To Whom It May Concern;
My Dell Latitude D630 was just four weeks old when I took him under my care. I gently broke him in [and he me as he taught me how to be mouse-less], lovingly half-filled him with my files, entrusted my favorite mp3s, shared my private chat conversations, took minutes with him, browsed favorite sites with him, and personalized him with previous work and friendship stickers given by friends. For 1 year and 5 months, we got along just fine even though I gave him nicks and scratches, a few viruses, and knocked out his letter “Q”. I must admit, there were even times when I underhandedly tried to trade him in with a lighter, smaller brother but failed as deep inside I know my partiality for him will prevail.
And though parting time for us is near and your meeting him is a bit overdue, I don’t think I will ever be really ready to bid goodbye to him. Please do take care of him and love him. [sob]

Very truly yours,
Old Owner

Passing by my former MTV office, it is blasphemous for me to see no trace of my lovely, lovely MTV office and to find this in place…

When I turn away

It is usually because I feel small

When I feel small

Wrap your arms around me

And make me feel beautiful

I will wait

Till you make me Big again

It is funny how, at the first stages of love or when people have fallen in love, they instinctively try to protect themselves from hurts they might experience by conjuring up problems and thinking as negatively as possible [e.g. preparing to get left behind by the loved one, torturing self through various sado-masochist fantasies where the loved one either reconciles with an ex, is suddenly swept away by some unknown admirer, etc.]

The following post is for my UNGAS, EMO fren call'd BOI PIKET [para sa matinding dinadala mo, bro!]

The difference between bois and gels in the middle of dating:

Gels tend to think that everything is going too FAST. That a man's emotions is getting left behind by his actions and therefore needs some catching up before they should proceed. Meaning both emotions should be clearly sorted out, that tha gel should feel no doubt any more, that she should KNOW tha man fully first, that he should invest MORE, etc. This springs from fear to be PLAYED, HURT, USED, and later on DUMPED when she's already IN LOVE. She is afraid that he is NOT REALLY IN LOVE.

Bois on the other hand, thinks that everything is going too SLOW. That the action is not catching up with how much he has already invested in her and that the action is being left behind by too much GETTING TO KNOW and therefore needs some catching up before they should proceed. Meaning that he wants the woman to give him her love and not make him wait any longer than necessary. This springs from fear to be PLAYED, HURT, USED, and later on DUMPED when he's already IN LOVE. He is afraid that she is NOT REALLY IN LOVE.

So how should bois and gels resolve this? Sometimes, one gender will suddenly feel that he or she is at tha losing end or that he/she has had enuf. When this person feels it, he or she will walk away. When that happens tha other person will make things right. Doesn't always work though if the person who'll do tha appeasement is a really insecure person or one who has lotsa pride.

It's always just a constatnt struggle in trying to strive for that equality and giving/getting your gender's fair share of benefits all the time.

No matter what, I want to continue living with the awareness that I will die. Without that, I am not alive. - Banana Yoshimoto

What is 26 to me?
26, the age I’ve been for 2008 means a lot of things to me. And these include:

• Breaking up with my 1st boyfriend.
• Realizing that I juz don’t party as hard anymore and I’d rather catch the now precious zzz’s. Although I’ve seen this coming at 25, now I feel much stronger about my zzz’s. Three years ago, Fridays for me must be spent dancing & staying up till 7am at bars for I feel that thy youth should not be wasted and I should maximize my freedom as a youth by postponing and evading such a boring task as sleeping thru partay-ing & staying up with friends. Now, I get cross when I’m not in bed before midnight, and I get sleepy earlier too! Sleep has suddenly become such an important activity I cannot miss out on.
• Blogging a lot of emo posts. Sorry!
• Having a sickness caused by unhealthy happy-go-lucky living/eating such as GERD or acid reflux and finding out that your party buddy juz recently developed it too. [We’re growing ollllddd, frennnn!!!]
• Outgrowing my nigga way of blog posting.
• Downloading Limewire and getting tha mp3s I wanted for myself. Used to delegate tha task to someone else.
• Feeling anxiety and terror at having to go home alone or go anywhere alone after tha first few months.
• Agreeing with Toyz that prolly since we at least see each other once a week or at least try to [we always call each other up on Fridays to argue on making him go to Timog or making me go to Makati and end up doing neither and spending time with whoever’s near us.], and prolly since I’ve slept at his house overnight for tha 1st time tis year, and because our respective Johnite original best friends left us for their respective love lives, it is only logical to now be each other’s Johnite best friend.
• Choreographing part of an office presentation number. [Would tis be tha first of many choreography stints? ;-) ]
• Singing and dancing wit a straight face [hirap pala] all in tha name of fun.
• Having someone at work e-mail tha big bosses [without copying me] how bad I am and how she is much greater.
• Eating a worm at Balaw-Balaw Restaurant in Rizal [which according to Ate Nhing's dad, was featured in Living Asia].
• Having the car washed wit me inside all throughout.
• Oh yeah. Having my love rejected. ;-)

A letter from my brother when i turned 1 at the hospital with measles

Maver found this old spotted letter written on a 1/2 crosswise pad by my baby-sitting grandma as dictated by my brother when he was 3 [and much kinder] and I was 1 and in the hospital:

Dear SASHA,

Sana gumaling ka na. Dear Sasha. Laro tayo. Hindi na kita susuntukin at bubuntalin, sana uminom ka na ng gamot para gumaling ka. Sana tumaba ka na. Sana tabatsoy ka na, bait na ako. Sana uminom ka na ng Affebrin [which i always throw up according to maver], sana pag dating mo dito wala ka na galis. Sana makapanood ka na ng Sesame. Sana mawala na ang peklat mo. Sana masaya ka na sa birthday mo ulit, sana beautiful. Sana kumain ka ng candy para lumakas ka na. Sana maglaro ka na. Sana kumain ka ng kumain. Sana uwi ka na dahil lungkot ako. Sana paglaki mo, beauty na. Kiss na sa kuya! Babay!

From kuya

The last time we were here, we were on our last date together. I held you with tenderness because I knew I was letting you go.

Today I marvel at the wonder of being in the same room. There's a hollowness at the pit of my stomach you have caused. This strange hollowness continues even as we fixate ourselves on other people and we don't really bother each other. A strange hollowness, which, I found out, did not go away but only grew more hollow when I watched you go.

There will always be some kind of sadness caused by once again seeing the person "who never got there".

I am beginning to love the sound of your laugh. Which is not good. Not good at all.

Leaving you in my sleep

We were together. I was giving myself to you like I've never done to anyone before. My hundred percent being - solidly and exclusively for you. Others had just gotten parts. It was a connection so totally contrasting to our clashes of pride and exchange of hurting words that it was hauntingly, touchingly beautiful. So beautiful that you turn'd your back to me abruptly. Yearning, I meekly put my arms around your turn'd back and held you like you were still my charge... still always wanting to protect you from the world's hurts even when I can't protect myself from you. I was in awe of you -my Mortal Weakness.

And then I woke up.

Lose Ambition In Love

When I love, I am not ambitious. I don’t go dreaming about other men who could be Kinder. Richer. Gentler. Handsomer. More Fun. More Mature. I become content for One. I love exclusively and only for that single person whom my heart has already hailed King. I think I t is important to lose ambition when in love. When you are with someone and you want to marry that person then you have Lost Ambition For Love. On tha other hand, if you are wit Someone Who Has Lost Ambition For Love and who is wanting to marry you but you’re not sure and feelings of uneasiness arise over you then you are Ambitious In Love. You are still hoping for a Kinder. Richer. Gentler. Handsomer. More Fun. More Mature, etc. mate and therefore you are Not Really In Love. Go and have your Roll In the Grass. Go and Fish on the Pond. You are not ready yet to Lose Ambition For Love. Just remember that if you are to be Ambitious In Love, then you will have to lose someone. Do not weep. It is a sacrifice for Ambition.

Random assesment of yours truly from Bestfriend Allan:

1. Sabi sayo me pasok ka ng Sabado eh! [When I told him I have a coverage one Saturday]
2. Naniwala ka kaya dun! Pag nagbibigay ka ng oras, naniniwala ka! Eh kinakausap mo eh! [After I denied believing the sincerity/intentions of a suitor who work’d in Malacanang]
3. Pumatol ka kasi sa cute! Mga pinapatulan mo mga mukhang nakikita pag labas ng pintuan!
4. Ang galling mo nga kumanta, nanuot sa mga ugat ng utak ko! [After I sang a high pitched song]

I will not go out, much less have a relationship wit:

1. Boylets who call me "babe". [I do not enjoy it any more than they do bein' call'd a boylet]
2. Boys whom I don't really know yet.
3. Boys who act "weird" by behaving like #1; act libidinous; acting annoyingly flirty thru superficial kumaen ka na/mwah/ingat/et. al text msgs.
4. Boys who are chasing 2 "rabbits". [when you chase 2, you’ll never get 1]
5. Boys whom I've –in some way– profess’d love for and reacted by tellin' me I shud continue to be weak for 'em or tellin' me I shud juz understand 'em.
6. Boys I LOVE who won't hold my hand/put their arms around me/display affection towards me in public.
7. Boys who are friends wit their exes and continue to see their exes regularly.
8. Boys who watch porn movies wit their gurl cousins.
9. Boys who sleep next to gurl officemates during lunch.
10. Boys I LOVE who don't want to be my boyfriend. But just want to be my boy space space friend.
11. Boys who tell me not to mention their names to anyone or to blog about them.
12. Boys who are "it’s complicated" on Friendster.
13. Boys who dedicate shoutouts/statuses/bulletin posts/etc. to some gurl who's obviously not me.
14. Boys who have flirty comments from gurls on their homepages.
15. Boys who don't reply on time. [Time, tide and 5h1n3 do not wait for any man.]
16. Boys who talk about their exes in the present tense like they are still their girl friends.
17. Boys whom – when ask'd wut they had loved about the last gurl they have loved – will reply and describe in 3/3 text messages just how amazing she was [or shall we say is].
18. Boys who will try to kiss me the first chance/meeting they get.
19. Boys I gave chances to in tha past but who blew their chances by not behaving up to expectations.
20. Boys who act all emo and angsty and "I’m-in-terrible-painy". I did not give 'em any pain yet. So why don’t they just git outta my sight and run after their true loves and make things happen rather than acting all whiny and punishing every’un around em
.21. Boys who can sleep without replying to a text message from me/Boys who won't let me put tha phone down first. Even when I've told em I'm gonna sleep, they should still try to be tha one that texts last. And even when they're sleepy, they should be happy am spending ma last awake moment wit em, hence let me put it down first.

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
--Leona Lewis

Resigning

For the duration of a hundred days, I've given you good dreams every night, kept you safe from harm, gave you good vibes, given you my favorite cloud, shielded you with my wings, even gave you a grace period of 45 more days since we stopp'd speakin. But now it's time I take a new charge under my wings. Please quell your lunatic child of God thoughts and be good on your own. I am letting you fend for yourself. A special child needs my care. I hereby tender my resignation as your guardian angel.

Falling like a leaf, falling like a star Finding a belief, falling where you are...

Eraserheads concert erased half-way

At 6:30 pm, Yaya called me to tell me that yes, he is now at Meeting Point Ayala MRT station, and that he just remembered he forgot tha tickets because he changed bags. Never tha type of person who gits stressd @ being late or tha realization of gettin' late for sumthin', I firmly told yaya that no, I won't go ahead and meet him at tha Fort Open Field [hell knows tha odds of ever finding someone there which I learn'd from a year of experience working for MTV and having concerts held there], and gamely went back wit him to his dorm. As yaya throws tantrums and trashes about in his seat on tha ride goin' farther away from tha concert venue, I sat serenely next to him telling him stories. As he was too irate and had resorted to alternately bowing his head down on his arms in defeat and looking dejectedly at his newly filch'd baby blue San Miguel Oktoberfest watch every 5 minutes, decided to serenely ignore him and resorted to texting people at my Unlimited Sun Phone, telling everyone on tha network how amusing yaya was acting right @ tha moment.

Being a life form that experiences tha need to eat every two hours, I thought to ask to be drop'd off by tha cab at a Jollibee we pass'd while they go on and git tha damn'd tickets, and then pick me up again as they go back. But tha cab pass'd on quickly so I just told yaya we should go thru a drive-thru after he gets tha tickets. Which he opposed, proposing we quench our hunger after tha concert. Becoz of tis, I sulk'd immensely @him and open'd a bag of crackers I had @ my bag, pointedly refusing to share some wit him while he obsesses about time. At tis point, I was still cool as a cucumber albeit hungry for real food.

At tha Open Field, we arrived in time to hear tha opening to tha first song being perform'd. We dash'd to tha gate but -joy of all joys- tha guard inform'd us that bags such as tha one yaya was carrying was not allowd inside. So we had to walk to tha ticket booth to ask em if they can guard tha damnd bag as we listen'd to tha ending lines of tha first song. Tha people at tha booth refused to guard tha bag and we had to walk a few more miles to tha guards' station to try to convince 'em of tha same thang which yielded tha Same answer. Then yaya did tha best thing he had done all night: he told me he was gonna refund his ticket, and without giving it a second thought, I gave him mine to refund too, and shoved him to tha front of tha line for good measure so he wuden hafta change minds. But he doesn't seem too convinc'd of his decision and was looking at people coming in when out of tha blue, he sprang out of tha line and towards tha direction of tha guards, tellin me he juz saw a guy wit a big bag being allow'd in. As we approach tha guards, one of em ask'd us if we have brought perfumes or pens as this was prohibited inside. When yaya said "Ah. Meron!" then proceed to dig in all pockets of his messy bag to fish out each & every pen he own’d plus to find more bottles for tha guard to confiscate, that's when I lost it. "You don't hafta be so damn honest!" I yell'd at him over and over which prompted tha guard within hearing range to suspect me as a Carrier of Pens and Perfumes, especially when he saw in my bag that I was carrying a notebook.

Guard: "Ma'am, may bolpen kayo?"
Irate Me [shooting i-haven’t-eaten dagger looks at him and refusing to zip my bag open all tha way]: "Wala!"
Guard: "Sigurado kayo? Kase mahihirapan lang kayo lalo, i-che-check rin naman nila yan so malalaman ren kung meron talaga o wala."
Irate Me [shooting even deadlier wither-and-die looks]: "Wala nga eh!" [Rarrr, don't mess wit me when I'm hungry!]

Like tha red river being parted, guards let me pass without confiscating my pens and contents of tha all-important personal effects bag. At tha concert, I led yaya to tha nearest spot to tha stage or @least TV screen I can squeeze us into. During Kaliwete, I broke out into a dance which consisted of holding up my right hand and rotating it back and forth in manner of unscrewing a light bulb during tha first lines "Noong nagsama tayo ay kanan ang ginamit mo. Ngunit biglang natorete…",then switching to my left hand at, "Ikaw pala ay kaliwete". After a while, I feel two people imitating me. I turn’d to look and sure enough, two girls are imitating my Unscrew the Light Bulb dance steps, and embarrassed at being seen caught, told me "Ate, pagaya ng dance step ha!" "Sure!", I told em graciously. Later on, they were dependent on me for steps to every song, asking me "Ate, pano naman ang dance step dito?" each time a new song comes on. And then in mock imitation of Ely Buendia, who seem not to be moving too much but still singing, I suddenly stood rigid and unmoving. "Ganito si Ely.", I told em. "Uy, ganun naman daw!" said Girl 1 to Girl 2 wit a straight face, immediately shaping her body in tha exact rigid form I have taken. "Noo, ginagaya co lan siya!" I told em, waving my hands at em to stop and embarrassed the fanatic kolehiyalas seem to have made me their new idol.
Then it was announced that tha concert was over. That Ely was rush'd to tha hospital and everyone was ask'd to join in prayers for him and his family. After tha prayers, everyone still cheered and gamely went home. I did not. I dunno why they cheered at all. Pride at admitting they've been duped so they act like it's really okay when it's not deep inside? I was not pleased nor was I feeling cheery at having to pay for something and not gettin its full worth. I would have been appeased if Sandwich took over. Would have been appeased if one of tha many bands milling around tha VIP section volunteered to perform instead. Would have been appeased if they refunded half of my money. As it is, I felt cheated and vow NEVER TO GO TO ANY EVENT THA ORGANIZER OF THA CONCERT WILL EVER HAVE IN THA FUTURE. In my disappointment, I entertain'd all evil thoughts. I thought of how tha screen in front of us went off even songs before tha band went offstage for their "break", and I thought "Planned". I thought of how they won't allow perfumes and pens inside and thought "Planned". I thought of how, during tha break, they were playing Relaxing, Sleep-Inducing Spa music to quell any rebellious warfreak moods that are about to slip out, and I thought "Planned". I remember Raimund's sordid, morbid face during tha performance and I thought "Planned". I might be feeling like a child who is prone to shout "No, I want my toy!" But children never lie and I won't lie that I'm disappointed. I feel compassion for tha pale Ely alright but I wanna bop tha heads of tha organizers for not feelin enuf compassion to cancel tha concert and save us tha heartache as early as when they felt things aren't right.

Bois & gels, Relate! I just did. Thank you, Steve Martin! Excerpts from his bestselling book, Shopgirl:

He is on the prowl. He does not know her, he has only seen her. He has responded to something visceral. He only imagines the character that unites her clothes, her skin, and her body. He has imagined the pleasure of touching her. She is a feminine object that tweaks him at his animal best. Romantically, he is an adolescent. If he thinks he would harm her, he would back away. But he does not yet understand when and how people are hurt. His interest in her comes from the part of him that still believes he can have her without obligation. He believes that he can exist with her from eight to eleven and enter a private and personal world that they will create that will cease to exist in the off hours or off days. He believes that the world will be independent of other worlds he might create on another night, in another place, and he has no intention of allowing it to affect his true quest for a mate. He believes that in this affair, what is given back and forth will be exactly even, and that they will both see the benefits they are receiving. But because he picked her by sight alone, he fails to see that her fragility, which he smelled and sensed and is lured by, runs deep in her heart and is part of her nature, and cannot be separated out for him to fuck. He is now taking a remedial course in fucking 101, to learn how to handle the criticisms, inexplicable antics, insults, and misunderstandings that seem to him to be the inevitable conclusion to the syllogism of sex. But he is not aware that he is on such a serious mission. He thinks he is a bachelor having a good time.
***
When he told her he's not ready for a real relationship for the moment but wanted to keep seeing her, she believes he has told her that he is bordering on falling in love with her, and he believes that she understands that he isn't going to be anybody's boyfriend. "I'm traveling too much right now," he says. In this sentence, he serves notice that he would like to come to town, sleep with her, and leave. She believes that he is expressing frustration at having to leave town and that he is trying to cut down on traveling. "So what I’m saying is that we should be allowed to keep our options open, if that's okay with you." At this point, he believes that he has told her that in spite of what could happen tonight, they are still going to see other people. She believes that after he cuts down on his traveling, they will see if they should get married or just go steady. So now they have had the Conversation. What neither of them understands is that these conversations are meaningless. The sayer believes they are heard, and the hearer believes they are never said.
***
She is not sophisticated enough to understand what is happening to her and he is not sophisticated enough to know what he is doing to her. He tells her he is sorry he hurt her. And he is, but inside he doesn't know what he could have done differently. He is determined not to love her; she is not his peer. He knows that he is using her, but he isn't able to stop. And as powerful as their desire for each other remains, their conflicting goals stalemate them, and their relationship has failed to move forward. She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn't be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart. After years, it happens to him. Someone else breaks his heart, and only then does he realize what he has done to her, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both.

Handling a call center account is coming home just in time for your morning bowel movement.

I should be gettin' out of ma comfort zone. Tis is wut ma new shrink told me as I told him I was feelin’ a bit down and insecure 'bout ma'self lately. Like mebbe am not acting fully to wut should have been ma worth. Stop sulking and rebelling! Act and make things happen!, said tha shrink. So gettin' out of ma comfort zone, I am. I started by re-locating work stations @ tha office yet again to ma respective department where I shud've been in tha first place. Used to place self wedg'd @ d corner of tha room in tha IT Department where they alwez try to shoo me away anyways, and try re-locating me near Mon2 tha artist and Yaya, tha photographer. Tha corner of tha room, I've alwez told em, has alwez been conducive to ma writing/thinking process. Now I've re-located again but tis time in ma department so as not to be deem’d a rebel anymore by tha likes of Nykko. Still thinkin' of ways wherein I can be gettin' outta ma comfort zone. For tha three-day weekend, I try coming up wit fun thangs to do to combat boredom. As malling is too much an ordinary thang fo' me to do, almost as regular as breathing, I try thinking of other thangs to do, more in tha manner of Gettin' Out of Ma Comfort Zone League as per Nykko tha shrink. I thought of spontaneously going to faraway out-of-town places like Island Cove or Baguio. But am not too “Out-of-Comfort-Zone” yet as to be jumping up & down to travel by ma lonesome. So I tried asking Ruth tha gal best pal. She had deadlines for her Cheerdance article. Did not consider asking Allan as he had no monetary units. Ask’d Toyz to either go wit me to Island Cove or to schools like UST or U.P. He call'd me weird. Shot back @him that he shud be Gettin’\' Out of His Comfort Zone which had been tha gimik hang-out that is Greenbelt. Went back to bullyin’ Ruth to goin wit me, desperately tellin’ her she had no spontaneity in her bones for livin' life to a T and not goin wit me obediently when I ask her. Told me sumthin 'bout not compromising responsibilities fo’ spontaneity. So appeased ma’self for tha meantime in malling and planning a Get Out of Your Comfort Zone Party for friends. Texted everyone if they're up to it even if haven't have tha slightest idea wut a Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone Party would be like. Got one confirm'd reply sayin' she’' in long as it’s “good, nice, clean fun”. Now am tryin’ to think of tha components of a good, rockin’ Get Out of Your Comfort Zone Party. If you have some ideas, holler.

A month and a half is over.

“It's him.” I say to myself and to everyone who has ears, excited and full of hope. I have met tha man who weakens me. Tha heart has chosen, reason broken. So special was he, I wanted to steal a kiss on his neck, tha nearest part of him, as he slept next to me on tha way home in tha jeep after our first kiss. So special was he, I resist impulses to hug him in public when we meet. So special, I try to give him good dreams and keep him safe every night by sheer force of affection towards him. So special was he that I speak to my Creator about him.

Me: Is this true? Are you really giving him to me?
God: …
Me: Isn't this wut you wanted? Isn’t it good that am feelin' this? And that I want to love him more than myself and I wanna put all tha greatness other people have said bout me and all tha good features You have infused in Your creation of me into a Crack at Loving him.
God: But he is not yours.
Me: …
God: You do know I gave him temporarily, didn't you? That I was prone to take him back from you eventually, as most things in this world are not permanent.
Me: I know. But give me, like, a month and a half.

Dating wisdom quotables from Carol Wolper:

1. Any guy who doesn’t call the next day is a skank.
2. Let your mantra be “next”.
3. Mr. Never’s idea of a commitment is a three-day weekend.
4. If dating applies some agreed upon pattern… an assumption of consistency, then no, I ‘m not dating.
5. The only faithfulness people have is toward emotions they are trying to re-create.

“I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.”

I give you back your heart. I give you permission. She is the sum of yourself and your dreams. Approach her like a monument, step after step. She is solid. She is your have to have. As for me, I am watercolor. I wash off. --Anne Sexton

One little tip for tha regular Internet dependent guy: Never ever make pa-cute, sad puppy dog declarations of unrequitted love to tha gurl you're still pining for on ym/friendster/facebook/what-have-you current means of staying in touch through public postings like shoutouts/status msgs/bulletin posts/blogs if you plan to keep on dating/sleep wit another gurl who's on tha same networking site list. Tha meantime gurl will catch on to it, leave you, and it will cause a temporary rift between you and wutz-between-your-legs. Blue balls are sad things to have.

When I was hanging out wit you, I was going through a bad time. Very insecure, very needy. It worked out for you. But now, I feel better. Closer to tha top of my game. Trust me, you don't wanna hang out wit tha new me. Don't call me 'til I'm weak and insecure again.

When we were together I was blown awayJust like paper from a fanBut you would act like I was just a kidLike we were never gonna lastNow Ive got someone who cares for meHe wrote my name in silver sandsI think you know youve lost the love of your life(and you said) I was the best youve ever hadBecause Im in demandYoure thinking of the way you shoulda held my handAnd all the times you said you didnt understandYou never had our love written in your plansBut now Im in demandDont ever think you saw the best in meTheres a side youll never knowCos love and loving are too different thingsSet your sites far too lowNow Ive got someone who cares for meHe wrote my name in silver sandsI think you know youve lost the love of your life(and you said) I was the best youve ever hadBecause Im in demandYoure thinking of the way you shoulda held my handAnd all the times you said you didnt understandYou never had our love written in your plansBut now Im in demandYoure thinking of the way you shoulda held my handAnd all the times you said you didnt understandYou never had our love written in your plansBut now Im in demandIts only when I fall asleepI see that winning smileWhen my dreams just move alongYouve lost the race by milesYeah yeah yeah yeah yeahYeah yeah yeah yeah yeahYeah yeah yeah yeah yeah(never had our love written in your plans)Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeahBecause Im in demandYoure thinking of the way you shoulda held my handAnd all the times you said you didnt understandYou never had our love written in your plansBut now Im in demandYou know Im in demandYou see Im in demandYou know Im in demandYou know Im in demandYou never had our love written in your plansYou know Im in demandYou see Im in demandYou need me in demandYou want me in demand

Lazy people doomed to bachelorhood/spinsterhood
Why being dynamic can even be more important than being faithful in a relationship

It has juz dawn'd on me that tha passive, lazy, people of tis earth has no chance of winning in love as compared to their more go-getting, dynamic rivals. Just take a look at scenarios of couples that've been together for years and years. One of em will usually git bored of tha other and think that tha other has lost his lovin' feelin' and has begun to take her for granted. Along will come Mr. Third Party who's fresh, lovin', and brimming wit new ideas on how to express his desire for Unattainable Ms. Long Relationship. If Ms. Long Relationship ain't strong enuf, taken in by tha fresh energy & courtship, she'll most likely be fool'd into thinking that Mr. Third Party is really whom she deserves more, regardless of her cluelessness on Mr. Third Party's track record of broken hearts or unfaithfulness or infidelity. Next thing we know, Mr. Passive Long Relationship is left hangin' in tha cold as Mr. Third Party takes his girl away, clueless of wut had juz happen'd, and still continuing in his pure, sincere, faithful love for his already taken away gurl, albeit passively.

You have dug something deep within me and it's getting deeper and deeper, making the space for others smaller as it grows... even if you're not really mine and not really here wit me. I'm helpless as I watch this space you're creating grow, making it hollower by tha second, and could only pray that God give me the strength I need when tha time comes that you'll leave me wit all tha empty hollow space which you haven't really cared enought to fill.

I used to pride myself for waking up right on alarm and never ever snoozing my cellphone to spend a few more minutes in bed, like most people do. When my ex and I broke up, I started acting like everyone else and had begun acquiring tha habit of snoozing my alarm even up to 4 times, thus waking up juz around lunch time and being late for work. Two weeks ago, for tha first time in my life since we broke up, I started waking right on tha dot again… up and about at 6:20 AM and even having time to do a few sit-ups. Now, it seems I’m back to snoozing, sleeping in, and walking wit my soul trailing behind…
***
When someone gives you anything like a gift, his heart, or tha like, don’t immediately latch on to it and own it. Try to feel first if he’s not kidding and if he really meant for you to have it. Relax your grip and don’t cling on like a barnacle to the object you were given because you’ll never know when he’ll take it back. And when he does, nothing can be more frustrating and hurting than when you’ve already treated tha gift as a permanent treasure that’s your own.

time for a re-post!

Wut is a PETER PAN SYNDROME? PPS or Peter Pans, according to Dan Diley are men who have NEVER GROWN UP or REFUSE TO GROW UP. Dan said that those wit PPS are men who: -> are more keen on bein’ friendly to mere acquaintances than in showin’ love & concern fo’ tha family -> use “I don’t know” and “I don’t care” as their defense mechanisms. -> have social incapacity & emotional paralysis. -> sadness manifested as forc’d gaiety, childish pranks, or nervous laughter. -> impotent to deal wit an assertive female on equal footing & so dates women who are younger or whose actions suggest immaturity. -> say they love ya but can’t seem to remember how to express love. -> narcissism locks em inside themselves. -> get hostile when ya reflect on his defensiveness. -> successful in resistin’ help. -> rarely finish college in tha usual allotted time/believes they’re employ’d in tha wrong capacity but fails to do anything bout it but complain. -> often stingy ‘cept when it comes to their own indulgences. -> appear to have unexplain’d fears& lack self-confidence but refuse to talk bout it. -> accuses ya of getting too emotional while they appear to be above it all, sittin’ like a stone when you are angry. -> easily offended by jobs they see as beneath em. get into employment difficulty ‘coz of severe procrastination or become workaholics in an attempt to prove their worth. -> work hard to have fun @ parties & tend to push themselves beyond reasonable limits in participative sports. -> find it impossible to say they’re sorry & find it extremely difficult to express their feelings. -> operate wit prejudicial premises you’ll never understand thus you cannot successfully argue a point wit em. -> expresses concern ‘bout yer probs only after you’ve complain’d bout his indiff’rence. -> have lost touch wit their emotions & simply dunno wut they feel.

Sorry we did not reach our dreams

Twin boys Dylan & Ulrich. A baby girl called Mischka. A copper-themed wedding. The mac&cheese meals I'll cook for him. Tha hundreds of mango pana cotta desserts I could create for him. Eternity wit him. I'm sorry we could no longer make it possible. Bad circumstances got in tha way...

What will you do if you see your ex in public?

I'll hug him because he used to be a big, if not the biggest part of my life. He will always be someone important and shall my friends or family try to trash him or badmuth him, i'll simply say: "He's a man I used to love. In place of that love, I'd like to give him the respect that is due to him so please please respect him not for wut he is today or wut he has done to me but see him singularly for the man he used to be when he was at the peak of his love for me. Just tha way I hope he and his friends and family will treat me today.

For tha pangs of pain, for tha difficult transition from getting so used to being half a couple back to living everyday life alone, for getting drunk on sleeping, for walking slowly wit ma soul trailing behind, for helpless things and places that remind, for all these things and more… it is with difficulty that I obstruct myself from running into your arms. But I know there’s no relaxation of the rules nor special consideration. So I pray for that moment when I’ll be able to finally let go.

Symptoms of an Ex:

Congratulations! You are now officially an Ex! Expect these symptoms anytime soon:

1. Asking friends to search through their circle of friends and refer you to the single, "good" ones.
2. Regularly checking your ex's ym status, friendster shoutout, profile, etc. to see if there's something about you.
3. Getting urges to inform your Ex that you're sick hoping to draw out some sympathy/guilt/last traces of love from him/her.
4. Listening to sad mp3s.
5. Cleaning out. Putting away pictures and stuff your ex gave, deleting him/her from all address books you have… cellphone, e-mail, ym, friendster, etc.
6. Getting sudden attacks of crying.
7. Getting sudden attacks of catatonicness.
8. Mourning. Especially on weekend nights.
9. Waking up later than usual/Finding it hard to wake up early.
10. Slacking off/getting lazy to do simple things you had no trouble doing before.

Not fair

My gay Literature professor Ralph Galan once said that it is not fair to be a woman for we just get to choose our partners from the men who will choose us. Meanwhile, men can choose their partners from all the women in the world. Moving on from a break-up is similar. If you’re a guy and you can pick girls easily, then it will be just as easy to enter another relationship with a girl and move on with life, because for me –no matter how many people say that time is the greatest healer- Another Relationship is still the greatest healer. I know he will soon find his girl sooner than I find my boy. He might even get married earlier. I know this and I know… That being gurl sucks!

How can 1 year and 6 months not hurt?

As a child, whenever I scraped my knees, or everytime I have to take down yucky tasting cough syrup, or endure injections whenever sick, my parents would always egg me on and boost my faltering spirit by telling me “Tapang yan eh! Dali, mas matapang ka pa nga sa kuya mo eh! Antapang o! Pakita mo na na matapang ka!” Then glowing with pride for my supposed bravery and feeling that I have to live up to my image as their “braver child”, I would take deep breaths, hide any traces of fear I might still have from my parents, then take the damned medicine/endure the injection/swallow back tears that are about to come.
Now that I am all grown-up, I still try to put up my “braver child” façade. And because they’ve stopped telling me those encouraging words the time I stopped being “bulol”, this time I do the cheering for myself. Every time I am reminded of a happy memory of something that is no longer a part of me, and when moments come that I yearn for this old friend, I just stop to console myself and internally whisper “Sssshhh… Tama na. Tahan na. Tapang yan eh!”

Gentleman [not tha opening doors for you type]

A big turn-on for me, probably next to being sexily courageous and aggressive, is being a gentleman. And when I say gentleman, it’s not tha opening doors for you carrying things for you type although that constitutes extra points for me only if he’s also tha gentleman I’m talking about. Tha gentleman I’m talking about is tha one not ruled by wutz between his legs. Tis gentleman will not try to get into my pants tha first time he gets tha opportunity. Tis gentleman will not try to paw me, or bring any part of his body close to me, or in any way try to get close to me without ma permission. Tis gentleman won’t try to take advantage that we are close or we are friends nor try to take advantage becoz I don’t get mad easily and I trust him not to act libidinous towards me. Tis gentleman will take tha front seat next to tha driver and allow me my space at tha backseat and will know better than to physically try to be close to me unless I have stated clearly to him that I like him, too. Tis gentleman CAN KEEP HIS DISTANCE. And so if you’re a man, and you’re reading tis and you’re hoping that one day I might respect you or even like you. I have tis to say for you. BE A GENTLEMAN FIRST.

How to spot a cheater:

1. He/she has a weak character. Weak characters are usually quitters who –instead of trying to work things out fairly and logically- will instead immediately lash out and plot revenge when their ego has been wounded. They’ll usually resort to tactics like going out with someone else just to get even.
2. He/she finds it hard to swallow pride. As mentioned, these people just won’t admit defeat. So wearing their proud hats with egos high up in tha air, they try to do things that will hurt their partners so that they won’t feel “agrabyado” coz they have upped and” evened tha score”.
3. He/she is insecure. When you’re insecure, you often feel that your spouse will cheat on you or does not really love you so you continue going out with other people in tha hopes of filling up that irreplaceable insecurity you’re feeling that only you alone can solve.
4. He/she is devious and sly and has tried one or two of the following: altered their time card log-in when no one else is looking, did not return extra change, bought a P150 worth exchange gift for a P250 worth. When you have a sly mind, you’re also likely to use it to cheat on your partner same as you’ve been doing with everything else.
5. He/she changes mind quicky. If your spouse haven’t had a stable job that lasts long, is impulsive, easily gets tired with stuff, doesn’t have a cause he/she strongly believes in, and is quick to change mind and opinion, then it is more probable that he/she is also constantly deliberating between liking/loving two or more persons at tha same time. And it’s just so easy to go back and forth, back and forth…

Signs you’re getting fat

Used to be that all tha junkfood… tha potato chips, Mr. Chips, Tortillos, cake slices, chocolate and strawberry cookies I ram into ma mouth don’t turn into anything ‘cept be burn’d down for some unfathomable reason [coz Lord knows exercise I do not]. That my flat 24-inch waistline would not betray tha restless mouth I have that’s prone to bouts of midnight snackin’. That I’d even make fun of ma high school pals’ seriousness at dieting by defiantly eating 2-3 Mars chocolate almond bars during lunch and leave ‘em wondering why I don’t get fat and my skin doesn’t break out. I thought all was fine and I could continue like this till old age & not be fat. Then I reach’d 23.
Because of a not-so-adequate earnings, a workplace that’s waay faraway from home, and a job that entails late night events, I tried to save by not eating much outside tha home and then stuffin’ ma pretty face full once I step’d inside tha comforts of my home -which would usually be around 10pm becoz of tha heavy traffic and tha natural farness of tha workplace or even later when there’s an event- and then proceeding to lie down & sleep even before I have completely digested my last bite. After a year of this kinda lifestyle, workmates begin to notice tha weight I was putting on, every pair of loose jeans I own suddenly begin to fit snugly, and t’was a constant struggle to put on jeans that used to be easy to get into. Suddenly I’m fat. And here are tha telltale signs:

1. During a bath, you try to look down straight at yer crotch and find that your stomach is obstructing tha view.
2. When you slip on a pair of panties, all open sides –tha waistband, and both leg bands seem to be digging a bit into your flesh and tha waistband seem to get semi-lost UNDER tha bulge that is your tummy where it USED TO just lie FLAT on your tummy and tha skin abuv tha waistband is level with tha waistband as if both are just of one flat, even surface.[not anymore!]
3. You wear a tight fitting shirt and notice that tha part covering tha stomach has creases and folds.
4. You find lines [if not full on cellulites]on your tummy.
5. You pinch your puson and find that you have something [a whole lot of something] to pinch.
6. You put a ruler from your navel straight down and find that there’s a space between tha ruler and your skin just three inches below your navel.
7. When you wear old slacks, you find that your crotch has gotten quite bulky and tha outline of your crotch is visible, not to mention tha hot, crowded, closed-in feeling your crotch is having.
8. At tha end of tha day, you’ll have red marks around your waist and tummy from wearing jeans that has gotten super snug.
9. You frequently get gas, “kabag”, ulcer and an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that you get from insisting on wearing jeans that don’t really fit anymore.

Strange Fantasies, Engagement, Virginity, & Marriage
One of my strange fantasies has always been to be approached by a total stranger, be given flowers [doesn’t matter if it’s a single rose or a whole bouquet of flowers] without any prepared note, and then quick as he had arrived, the man will walk away from me without looking back. It shows three traits I want in a man: courage, impulsive extravagance, and the ability for doing a thoughtful gesture without expecting anything in return. The closest I’ve encountered is getting an anonymous note stuck in my Math book with my name and the words “Love your smile” penned in red in 1st yr. college.
***
Since everyone is gettin’ engaged nowadays, might as well share my own engagement fantasy. I have always dreamt of being engaged at an early puppy-love age. Ideally, I would have luv’d gettin’marriage proposals in kindergarten. Since that isn’t exactly feasible anymore, let’s move on to my idea of engagement and marriage. If I were to get engaged and be married, I wouldn’t want it any other way than to be in secret. Secret engagement and marriage as in no one knows it ‘cept for me & him. Other peepz alwez ruin relationships that should only involve 2 persons and so why put up & be bogg’d down by bothering to tell other people?
***
No man marries for virginity anymore. And honestly, wut virgin woman would want to get hitch’d to superficial thinking men who’ll only marry for intact hymen? This doesn’t mean that women should sleep around as they please. The following traits are traits I think that men should have to be able to qualify in sleeping wit decent women:

1. Should at least be paying for his own life presently [his rent, laundry, daily food, bills] if not owning a solo condo unit
2. Independent decision maker [one who doesn’t need to consult his parents or elderly anymore for mundane activities like driving cars or making decisions.
3. Should be able to book his own medical appointment etc. and buy his own personal toiletries/underwear.

Otherwise, boys, juz be content wit kissing us for tha moment. Or you could marry us first… Remember boys, kindergarten actions deserve just-as-juvenile intimate moments. Sex means you are getting ready to provide for a life being or two.

It started with doubts.

I knew he didn’t love me on our 1^st day together as a couple. [We became an item tha previous day but decided not to see each other juz for tha zaniness & tha heck of it] I say this because when we were on tha bus ride home, I tried out tha magic words to him, curiously waiting how he will react [yes this is my 1^st relationship]. He did so by staring blankly at a spot beneath my head and blinking a few times, seemingly lost in thought over something.

Few, if none relationships ever start with pure love. There are a hundred and one reasons for choosing to enter into a relationship with someone without ever having to love him or her. I totally believe that love only comes after such a period of time had passed that both individuals truly know each other, depending on tha frequency of tha couple’s time together. But in this day and age, no one in his right mind would go through old-fashioned courtship for a couple of years before entering a relationship. The average acquaintance, getting to know, and courtship period nowadays is 1 – 6 months, and that’s not even everyday communication but on an inconsistent weekly tryst.s Here are a few reasons people enter a relationship in such a short amount of time:

1. Physical appearance More specific: To score -->Most specific: Sex. Most people in this country just don’t do casual sex. So how to score on a yummy crush? Enter into a relationship with him/her and earn unlimited, not to mention exclusive nookie rights. To be equally exclusive to him/her is up to you based upon your greed & eagerness to catch herpes.
2. To get back on an ex for dumping him/her or leaving him/her for another, to try to ignite jealousy, and therefore inspire a Much Hoped For Reconciliation from tha Still Loved [but no1 has catch’d on u still love him/her, u swear!] Ex.
3. Tha inability to live without a boyfriend/girlfriend a.k.a. Dependence on Romantic Relationships. Surely beats boredom, it’s convenient & it’s companionship with benefits, you say. Wut more can you ask for?
4. Generosity or tha ability to share/spend huge amounts of one’s Money and other material belongings on Another. Which is juz an oozingly attractive trait in an individual.
5. Tha inability to reject another. Most people just can’t hurt another’s feelings and can’t say no no matter what.
6. A sexual act. [Kiss, hug, touching, sex, etc.] One of you might have seduced tha other to trick him/her into getting into a relationship or in tha case of tha seduction having been done just as a hormonal knee-jerk reaction by tha initiator, tha other might feel that they both owe it to thamselves to ‘legalize’ tha act and thus enter into a relationship so that tha other won’t feel ‘dehado’ by continually doing it without tha blessing of an exclusive commitment.
7. Insufferable Persistence. Know those e-mail alerts you get in tha mail asking you to join a certain community site which you get repetitively from everyone in your yahoo contacts? They juz keep pouring and pouring in and you’ve been doing fine ignoring them for tha first few months. But than tha 10001th invite came. So just to stop them from coming in, you just click and join already. Same thing goes for a beau that just won’t go away. Instead of draining your energies tryin' to keep him/her away, sometimes it's juz easier to give in & accept him/her in your life.
8. To try to forget a forbidden love e.g. a friend's bf/gf/ex, a friend's ex, someone's wife/husband, a cousin, someone's bf/gf. Some people don't have the courage to go for the ones they really love 'coz the situation ain't easy. Or sometimes, when there comes a much awaited opening like the Forbidden Desired One got dumped or breaks it off with his/her lover, it’s too late already because by then, the Carefully Crushing individual who's got it bad for Forbidden Desired One would have already been dating another to pass time. So wut happens is tha Forbidden Desired One & Carefully Crushing forever throws longing ‘wut-might-have-been' looks & share stolen moments at each other while heading for tha other direction & creating relationships wit their respective Uncomplicated & Unsuspecting Partners.

So wut you ask is my non-pure reason for entering into a relationship? It’s number 6 & 7. Admittedly, it was me who insisted on tha relationship. He might have just wanted for us to juz date around a while but my last non-relationship was horrific & I don’t wanna go through frustrations, anger, & feelings of inadequateness again. I entered a relationship b’coz we held hands & I don’t wanna be no holding hands without commitment coz I know it would lead to kissing. And kissing for me –without a boyfriend- is tha milder version of getting pregnant without a husband. And yea, he also won’t leave me alone. For him, considering am not really overwhelmingly rich & generous, I suspect its number 1. Also number 8. And love came only on tha 6^th month.

I hate interviews.

Interview Facilitator: Aside from writing, what else can you do?
Master: I can do basic Photoshop, basic HTML & S.E.O.
Interview Facilitator: What else?
Master: What do you mean what else? I’m a writer, I write. Programmers get paid just to program, why shouldn’t I be paid just to write? Anyway, forget it—if you insist, I can enumerate my other skills but each additional skill I mention will increase my salary expectation by Php 1,800 if you actually expect me to do it. Let’s see, I can curl my tongue into three loops [Php 1,800.00], I can bend my pinky finger without bending the rest [Php 1,800.00], I can rap [Php 1,800.00], I can perfectly sing ala Rhianna [Umbuh-ruhla-uhla-uhlaah-ei!] [Php 1,800.00], I can dance like a boy [Php 1,800.00], or a gurl [Php 1,800.00], I can piss others till they tear at their hair and they’ve used up all cuss words they can at me inside their heads [They won’t actually be cussin’ me at my face ‘coz it’s typical Filipino behavior to show dislike through backstabbing & parinigs & not through confrontations] [Php 1,800.00], I can find best grocery shop that has the cheapest price for any grocery product you want [Php 1,800.00 per product], I can convince security guards into letting me in without ID [Php 1,800.00], or convince them into letting me in just to exit their back entrance [Php 1,800.00], I can do a blow-by-blow report on what I do every day in your office [Php 1,800.00], I can work during lunch [Php 1,800.00 for every 5 minutes]…